To ask DM to stop smoking in her own house

We had this situation in my family and addressed it politely but frankly. There's a lot of information online now about the danger of thirdhand smoke, which wasn't a concept when I was growing up.
The family member in question stopped smoking indoors and when children visited, changed after smoking.

This! I know two women my age who spelled it out to their DMs 30 years ago. Baby does not come to your home unless you quit now and get the house de-fumed. Both DMs quit because both valued time with baby more than cigs.

I wonder if a lot of posters have misunderstood my question, which was if I'd be unreasonable to ASK her to stop smoking - perhaps some have read it as can I TELL her to stop smoking at home?

I suspect it's not so much a misunderstanding as an appreciation that this is how your "volatile" DM will interpret it

Personally I'd neither ask nor tell her not to smoke in her own home but just explain that your DC won't be coming into it because of the stink, which is your choice that you're entitled to make
She can then decide what her priorities are, and though the public transport may take longer to get to you that's the price she'll be choosing to pay

Oh my goodness, that is some shocking typo!

Some posters on here seem a little confused about what second hand smoke is. Second hand smoke is the smoke you (as a non-smoker) inhale when a smoker is smoking in your presence. The smoke that lingers on items in a person's house/on clothing that you can smell is third-hand smoke. It is much less dangerous than second-hand smoke, especially when you are not living in the environment, but merely visiting occasionally.

@ReadTheBlurb the people who say YABU are saying YABU to ask her not to smoke in her own house. Of course you can’t dictate what someone does in their own house, and that’s why they are saying YABU. But no one is saying you have to just accept it. What people mean is that you can’t tell her what to do, but you can choose to keep your baby away from her and her house.

You basically need to say “all the current evidence shows that second and third hand smoke is bad for young children. I know I was OK as a child, but things are different now. For example, no one would drive kids without a seatbelt like they used to. Times change. I would love for you to have a close relationship with your grandchild, but I need to think about his/her health, and that means keeping him/her away from cigarette smoke. I won’t feel comfortable visiting you with things as they are. I’m telling you now so that you can think about the options, and how we can best keep my baby safe and healthy”. Then it’s over to her.

We had this with my FIL. To be honest, we only visit with the kids 2-3 times a year (usually for a few nights at a time), and we just suck it up. That amount of exposure to third-hand smoke will have absolutely no impact on your babies/children. Obviously, we wouldn't allow anyone to actually smoke around our kids. It's really not worth ruining a relationship over, it's just one of those annoying things in life.

(We wash ourselves and all of our clothes immediately after every visit, too. Hate the stink of smoke)

Surely it would have needed a deep clean though?

The smell would be embedded

I would probably sit her down for a frank conversation.

"Mum, we need to discuss something. You know how much I love you, which is why I'm talking to you about this now. I loved the relationship I had with my gran and I love the idea of you and my baby having a close relationship too. The problem is your smoking. I can't have it around my baby. There are known health risks around second hand smoke. I know you go outside when I visit but that doesn't prevent the effects of second hand smoke which will be much more impactful on tiny lungs. There is also this house. It smells of smoke. I can smell it on my clothes and on my skin when I leave. I can't have my baby stinking of smoke. I'm really sorry but it's not something I can allow. I'm really gutted about this but I need to protect my baby. I hope you understand."

Then it's up to her what she does. She can try and clean the house and make positive changes. She can visit you instead, or she can sulk and miss out.

I will say, we bought an ex smokers house and we had to work really hard to get rid of the smell. All the carpets and underlays came up, we steamed the wallpaper off the walls and the ceiling was leaking nicotine. We had every window and door open for a few weeks while we worked. It's a massive, massive job.

Could you write an old fashioned letter?!

No blame falls at your door op.

You’ve been tolerant and considerate and are now thinking of your baby.

Its not your fault she smokes. It’s not your fault it isn’t good for the baby.

I think you have to discuss it very honestly, very lovingly, very frankly.

Im usually the first to get fed up with new mums on here trying to dictate how their DM/MIL interacts with the baby and setting ground rules like “ what brands of clothing MY baby will wear and accept gifts of.”

But this is nothing like that. It’s a genuine concern and you are raising it not to dictate to her but because you want her in your baby’s life.

You’ll have to just spell it out.

Absolutely this. You have to be crystal clear with her op that even though she didn't for you as a child, you will prioritising your baby's health. If she is only in her 50's, she can't say it wasn't well known then. I get the embarrassment, my parents smoked too and l fucking hated it - still do.

This.

My mum smoked from the age of 21 - 69, including through her pregnancy with me and throughout my childhood. She eventually gave up when my own daughter was a baby.

I would definitely have a calm chat with her, and ask if there's anything you can do to support her if she chooses to give up.

Also be aware that physically and mentally she will be out of sorts for several weeks if she does manage it.

Honestly I dont know how you havent raised it with her before now.

Regardless of baby coming surely say to your mum that her and her house stinks? If you and your partner avoid it for this reason is it just easier not to say? Like I'm my mum literally stank to the point other people couldnt be near her or in her house I'd 100% have said.

Sometimes that's a truth that needs to be told, even if people get huffy or embarrassed so what it wont kill them.

Just tell her its not healthy for baby and she will need to come to you or meet elsewhere. Also tell her if she smoke she wont be allowed to hold baby without washing hands and changing clothes first. Her house will need completely gutted to get rid of the smell, nicotine seeps into the walls and furniture.

You don't need to ask/tell her to stop. You shouldn't.

You simply lay out the consequences. It's stuff you say you've said before. It's not new information. This time in the context of her granchild's health, and not seeing them as a result. A direct result of her actions.

@Ilovelurchers OP says her mum is a difficult person and they have a volatile relationship

Yes I think its reasonable for you to ask and raise the query

Her home is her home of course, but it would usually and ideally be almost a second home for her grandchild, why would it not usually be a place the child visits fequently and often

Therefore its reasonable to ask.

I mean, I think it is unreasonable to ask someone to change their behaviour in their own home, but that comes secondary to the fact that I think that it's pointless. After decades as a heavy smoker, smoking indoors, she's really going to to and stand out in the wind and cold for every cigarette? More likely she'll tell you she has, and then it'll be indoors just this once, and then it'll be too wet to go out and then she'll be back to normal. And even if she did not ever have a single other cigarette indoors, the secondhand smoke is imbued into literally everything. The wallpaper, the curtains, the carpets, the walls, the wood of the furniture, the floorboards.

Talk to her. You can’t necessarily tell her but you can talk to her. Tell her what you’ve said here but edited to not make her feel awful. She may recognise how it impacts you and has done all your life.

Presumably, as she does with you now, she will step outside to smoke when she has your DC with her. If she won’t agree to it then you need to discuss with your DH how it will impact her time with DC.

It seems you have a good relationship with your mother and you both want her to have a bond with your DC. Work together to make this work for you both.

Difficult when you’ve had to manage your mums emotions as you are anticipating the fallout as she’s not very emotionally mature. A normal and obvious conversation to some people becomes a big thing for us as we don’t get a normal adult response from the other person.

so people are reflecting that you can’t ask or tell anyone to not do a thing in their own home, it’s their own home and expect them to take any notice. You need to set a boundary as you can’t control her, I won’t be bringing the baby round if you carry on being a smoker. She chooses how to respond to that, her emotions are not yours to manage.

Hi OP, I think a lot of the advice on this thread is quite heartless. Your Mum is a good person who is looking forward to being an involved GP. I wouldn't be cutting her off with no explanation. All my Grandparents smoked. I remember watching the snooker on a black and white TV through a hazy of cigarette and pipe smoke. You couldn't see what was going on at all and I was bored out of my mind. That was 80s childcare for you. Hahaha. I think you need a sit down chat with your Mum and ask her to change her habitats to smoke outside. She might or she might not be able to change. Like pp have suggested meet outside, she could baby sit at yours while you go out. I'm sure you can find a nice way to navigate through this. Good Luck.

You described my parents and my feelings when I was having my first. I had a conversation with them before baby arrived. Explained the health risks, that nhs advice is to even change your clothes before holding baby,etc. They actually decided they wanted to cut back, so they chose to smoke outside etc. During the winter it picked up again and we had another chat about it. I just said I want the best for my baby, they understood. My dad has now passed, but my two kids and myself now live with my mum. She was still smoking outside when we first moved in but has now gone to raping outside and done so well.
I think having an honest conversation, especially as you seem to have a good relationship with you mum, is far more beneficial than potentially upsetting her by not speaking the truth and in effect distancing contact with no explanation.
My parents chose their grandkids over smoking, their words, not my intentions. It was the first time they had ever made a change with their smoking i think.