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AIBU?

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Original poster

Demanding parents abroad wanting to see grandchild ALL the time!!

87 replies

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:34

I really need some advice please. I'm going to try and keep this as short as possible. I moved to the UK about 12 years ago, during this time me and my husband tried numerous times to move back to my home country, mainly to be nearer my family. For various reasons, especially that we couldn't find suitable jobs, we stayed here. We now also have a DC and I really do try to go and see my parents as often as any possible, it's beautiful where they live and we get on very well. This year for example we went for Christmas, then in February half term, now for my mum's big birthday in May and then again the entire summer holidays (!). I personally think that's plenty. Anyways, on Friday my mum calls me and is being absolutely furious that "you didn't make it clear that there's a half term at the end of may, we could have celebrated the birthday then and we'd have been able to see the grandchild for two days longer". I really snapped at that point but gave in so now we're going at the end of May as well! I'm so annoyed though - I feel constantly guilty we live so far away from them but I go there literally every couple of months at the least, and we talk every morning before school. AIBU to put some boundaries in place from now on? I've thought it over so much that I really don't know anymore who's being unreasonable!!

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LimitedBrightSpots · 27/04/2025 14:41

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 14:21

All her life she's been saying she's just not got "the best nerves", this might be true but really she could get some help.
One time a few years ago , our flight was cancelled and we flew out a few days later. The drama! We were face -timing and she was like "we're doing so badly because you're not here, now we get to see little one for 3 days less"

I spent the time waiting for our flight highly anxious something could happen again. I realise as I write this that some things really have to change

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She needs to manage her emotions better, you are not responsible for them.

SallyWD · 27/04/2025 14:38

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 14:18

I've not explained this well, my job can be done from anywhere within Europe

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Yes but you don't need to tell your mum this!! Say the rules have changed and you need to go in the office more frequently now.
My in-laws live abroad and would love us to go for many weeks each time. In reality my boss would probably allow me to work from their house. However, I tell my in-laws I need to go in the office so can only come when I'm taking annual leave.
You don't need to he such an open book with your parents. There are so many good excuses you can use.

LlynTegid · 27/04/2025 14:21

You or your DH could use fairness to colleagues and their wishes for leave as a reason not to have a particular week, depending on how your job works.

Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 14:21

LimitedBrightSpots · 27/04/2025 13:53

You need to tell your mum to stop being such a wet lettuce. She's using it as a method of emotional control.

Every time she starts crying down the phone at you, say "Mum, I'm sorry you're not feeling up to having a sensible discussion. Let's speak later when you're feeling better." And put the phone down.

All her life she's been saying she's just not got "the best nerves", this might be true but really she could get some help.
One time a few years ago , our flight was cancelled and we flew out a few days later. The drama! We were face -timing and she was like "we're doing so badly because you're not here, now we get to see little one for 3 days less"

I spent the time waiting for our flight highly anxious something could happen again. I realise as I write this that some things really have to change

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Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 14:18

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/04/2025 09:09

You and your DH seem to get masses of holiday leave, OP - or do you teach?

I've not explained this well, my job can be done from anywhere within Europe

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LimitedBrightSpots · 27/04/2025 13:53

You need to tell your mum to stop being such a wet lettuce. She's using it as a method of emotional control.

Every time she starts crying down the phone at you, say "Mum, I'm sorry you're not feeling up to having a sensible discussion. Let's speak later when you're feeling better." And put the phone down.

Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 13:45

Thanks everyone you've been really helpful and made me see things very differently.
I think I realise now that I still feel deep guilt about moving away and this is something I really need to deal with.
Also I will cut down on the phone calls and I'll have a talk to clear the air with my parents when I see them as I think we probably should have had a talk about this long ago.
Thanks everyone!

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Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 13:42

Searchingforthelight · 27/04/2025 13:12

This is a crazy and unsustainable way to live. So unsettling for your child. Id not entertain it for a minute if I were your spouse.

You have made a life in the UK. That's where you live. Everyone needs to accept it.

Your mum could get some therapy regarding her fear of flying and come visit you

If I were your husband I'd be extremely unhappy that my child was kept abroad for so much of the time. I wouldn't accept it, frankly

I beg to differ, my little one has an amazing time when they are there, family time, exposure to a different culture (they happen to be fluent in my mother tongue because they go so often), amazing weather in the summer, and the longest they haven't seen their dad is two weeks (and that was only once). My husband is fully on board as well. So it's not a case of my kid being "kept abroad" without their dad for any length of time at all.

My question was about whether my parents behaviour is right

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Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 13:35

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 27/04/2025 09:39

@Reallyinneedofadvice just bite the bullet and tell her she will have to travel if she wants to see your child (does she not want to see you at all). she can suck it up.

Yes so about this, it's really a bit like since the grandchild is here, only little one matters but I supposed that was normal/ how grandparents feel??

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Searchingforthelight · 27/04/2025 13:12

This is a crazy and unsustainable way to live. So unsettling for your child. Id not entertain it for a minute if I were your spouse.

You have made a life in the UK. That's where you live. Everyone needs to accept it.

Your mum could get some therapy regarding her fear of flying and come visit you

If I were your husband I'd be extremely unhappy that my child was kept abroad for so much of the time. I wouldn't accept it, frankly

PinkyFlamingo · 27/04/2025 11:53

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 09:08

That's not possible as it's long been arranged and there's other people coming too. My point is that I have a right to spend my holidays as I see fit and don't have to spend every single half term there

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Ok well practice what you preach then

furryfrontbottom · 27/04/2025 11:48

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 10:28

Because they don't get to see their Grandchild as much as they want....

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Tough. I don't get to shag Ryan Gosling as often as I want, but I've learned to deal with it.

furryfrontbottom · 27/04/2025 11:46

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:47

But I feel bad that I live far away - I'm kind of thinking I owe them to go back and see them?

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You are an adult and can live wherever you choose, circumstances permitting. The same applies to seeing or not seeing your parents, or anyone else.

JackieDaytonaLuckyBrews · 27/04/2025 11:37

2JFDIYOLO · 27/04/2025 11:32

Too frightened to get on a plane so you have to do ALL the travelling ...

Angry you did something on a school holiday that wasn't all about her ...

Crying to get her own way ...

Your mum's an emotionally manipulative controller, OP. She's got you rushing about, spending how much on travelling, with no actual holiday time that's just about YOUR family. Me me me.

Stop being the obliging kid running yourself ragged trying to please. You're the mum, now. Time to be the adult.

Totally.
My gran was very similar. She used to emotionally manipulate my mum ALL the time. She would pretend to be a shaky little old lady when she was a rock hard, perfectly healthy person. We once caught her sitting in her armchair with her eyes shut whimpering and not talking to anyone- and quickly stopping and opening an eye to check people were looking. Loved her to bits, but she was very sly.

2JFDIYOLO · 27/04/2025 11:32

Too frightened to get on a plane so you have to do ALL the travelling ...

Angry you did something on a school holiday that wasn't all about her ...

Crying to get her own way ...

Your mum's an emotionally manipulative controller, OP. She's got you rushing about, spending how much on travelling, with no actual holiday time that's just about YOUR family. Me me me.

Stop being the obliging kid running yourself ragged trying to please. You're the mum, now. Time to be the adult.

TorroFerney · 27/04/2025 11:09

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 10:28

Because they don't get to see their Grandchild as much as they want....

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Why are they more important than you? What do you want?

TorroFerney · 27/04/2025 11:08

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:47

But I feel bad that I live far away - I'm kind of thinking I owe them to go back and see them?

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Feelings aren’t facts! They are playing on your guilt. Between guilt and resentment choose guilt every time.

you don’t owe them anything. That’s not how it works.

whistlesandbells · 27/04/2025 10:55

How is it affordable to keep traveling at almost every opportunity rather than be at home? I find even when traveling to relatives there are costs. It is not sustainable. Doesn’t your DH also resent it? It is every holiday spent either with your family or without you if he doesn’t come.

Do you have much time together just you, your husband and your child without other family (his and yours)?

Radra · 27/04/2025 10:46

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 10:15

Yes I have the feeling as well that it went don't sit down and have a chat, things are going to escalate very soon....the question is, how best to go about it!

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My parents can be a bit like yours and I found that it was easier and more effective not to have a big confrontation but more do it one thing at a time and to keep focus on when I would be seeing them, keeping it bright and breezy and not emotional.

So I would go with "sorry we can't come to you May half term but looking forward to the summer" rather than "mum, we cannot always come to you every holiday" and similarly "sorry can't speak tomorrow morning, speak at the weekend"

Hoppinggreen · 27/04/2025 10:34

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 10:28

Because they don't get to see their Grandchild as much as they want....

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No, I mean why do you feel so obligated to do whatever they want you to

ThinWomansBrain · 27/04/2025 10:34

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:48

In fairness, my child says "there's nothing better than being with grandma and grandpa" so he absolutely loves it....not to say this won't change in the future though!

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In fairness, most children probably like Disneyland, it doesn't mean they get to go several times a year.
You're an adult with your own family - be assertive with your parents and their histrionics

Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 10:28

Hoppinggreen · 27/04/2025 10:18

Why?

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Because they don't get to see their Grandchild as much as they want....

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Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 10:18

Thanks all- I've got to pop out for a while but will get back to everyone later!

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Hoppinggreen · 27/04/2025 10:18

Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 08:47

But I feel bad that I live far away - I'm kind of thinking I owe them to go back and see them?

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Why?

Original poster
Reallyinneedofadvice · 27/04/2025 10:18

saraclara · 27/04/2025 09:43

It's the before school daily phone call that would do my head in.

Your parents spend more time with their grandchildren than I (an involved GP with the DGCs 40 minutes away) do, when you add it all up!

And seriously, before school is a ridiculous time to have that call. If you call every day, what on earth do you find to talk about? And it's the busiest part of the day. Surely your kids get bored of having to perform on the phone when getting ready for school?

Yes- this needs nipping in the bud, and soon. That's what I find most annoying as well and it's pointless as there's nothing to talk about and my DC is often not in the mood.

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