DD wants to exclude one girl from her bday party

Do you often invite people you dislike or that have been horrible to you to your birthday parties/events?

We don't know how close the rest of the group are to this girl. It's an assumption that they all like her and are close to her.

Teenage girls often have lots of friends across different groups and should be able to understand that they don't get an invite to everything. Maybe this girl doesn't even want to be invited to the DD's birthday if they're no longer close?

You can guide but you can't force anything.

I also don't believe this is poor behaviour. I personally get a bit sick of people being told to "be kind" to people who are not nice to them. It's too "people pleasing" to me and often leads to people being walked over.

As an adult I wouldn't spend time with someone I disliked or who made me unhappy. I would expect a teenager to be able to make the same decision.

Selfish then? She obviously found the friend fine if she was good friends over a longer period of time. It’s fine she wanted to distance the relationship but leaving her out of a group event is unkind and cruel. Can’t you see that?

Do you not guide your secondary children then? What abstract age do you just stop morally guiding and supporting your children then?

Wanting your teenage daughter be unkind isn’t good parenting. Just because she’s a teenager doesn’t mean mum just sits by and watches poor behaviour because it’s “her decision”

Because I don't believe people have a duty to "be kind" to others when they make them unhappy.

It’s not about that though. It’s about not being blatantly unkind. And obviously it is unkind otherwise OP wouldn’t be questioning it.

Yep, and that's your decision to make, just like this is the DD's decision to make. She's in secondary now - it's up to her how she chooses to spend her birthday.

It’s not hanging out long term. It’s a one-off event where everyone else is invited. It’s about realising how being left out could impact this girl and having some grace and being kind. Treating others how you would like to be treated.

OP doesn’t say why her DD found the girl not good to be around. She may be lovely, just not her cup of tea and cumulatively to is made her unhappy.

Kindness is so important in society generally, why wouldn’t you teach your child to act with kindness?

No, I’d make different plans for my birthday than inviting everyone except one in my supposed “friendship group”. Like out with my two best friends or something.

This girl and the OP’s daughter are supposedly part of the same group of mates. She risks making the rest of her friends think badly of her if she invites all but one. That would have a much bigger impact than one girl at a party.

I thought it was going to be a Primary School party. At this age she can invite exactly who she wants. It’s nice that she feel sympathetic but it’s not her job to make the other girl happy, especially if she doesn’t even like her.

But then DD needs to be prepared for any consequences. Also needs to be prepared for it to happen to her at one point.

Shes still a child and still needs moral guidance and modelling. I’d be heavily encouraging her to be kind and invite her. It’s a life lesson (as long as other girl isn’t horrible to her).

It's not "being a mean girl" not to want to socialise with someone who makes you unhappy and who you have fallen out with.

If someone was making you unhappy, would you carry on hanging out with them anyway?

Not to be a mean girl.

High school friendship groups tend to be 5 to 8 kids. If the OP’s daughter invites 6 out of the 7, what message is she sending?

When this happened in DC’s group, two didn’t show up and went out with the excluded teen instead. They saw it as bullying.

If the other girl is part of the group, and the only one from the group not invited, it will reflect badly on your DD. It is mean girl stuff, and her friends will think badly of your DD.

So OP's DD has to invite someone she dislikes and who makes her unhappy to her birthday? What kind of lesson does that teach her?

This isn’t an invite to all the girls in the class except one as they are at secondary school so on the face of it not inviting her shouldn’t be an issue if they are not friends. Sounds like it’s an issue because they are actually in the same friendship group still? But then you say this girl has no friends…

It’s a bit confusing.

Teenage friendships are complex if this girl is in the group she classes herself as a friend If they start excluding her it is passive bullying. I am not saying this is what is actually happening but it might be.

I had this with my son, he wanted to invite his whole football team except for one boy.
There was a clash between them, nothing major but there would have been enough of them at the party for this boy to stay close to the other boys and everyone enjoy themselves.
I explained to my son why it wasn't nice to exclude just one person and said that if he was adamant to not invite this boy we would have to rethink the party.
In the end he didn't have the party we did something with his 3 closest friends, there was no way I was allowing one person to be excluded.

It's not bullying to exclude someone who makes you unhappy.

We don't know if the excluded girl is a massive bully who intimidated the DD and doesn't have empathy or show it?

Why does DD have to show empathy? Isn't that just people pleasing?

It would be very very unkind to exclude this girl. It’s passive bullying.

Either the girl doesn't have friends so she isn't in the group nor excluded, or the girl is in the friendship group so she absolutely has friends. Appreciate you're muddying the waters a bit to make your own DD sound good, but it affects the answer

Exactly this. How has she distanced herself if the girl is still part of the friendship group?

If she leaves out one member of a friendship group the rest will think she’s a bully. She will be seen as the divisive one and there may be pressure to take sides.

I’ve seen it play out in my three DCs’ various friendship groups in high school and it usually ends in disruption and bad feeling.

Either invite them all or invite just a couple.

She's in secondary - it's totally up to her who she invites.