DD wants to exclude one girl from her bday party

I understand that it's tough to feel empathy for people who bring negativity into your life. But, empathy is about understanding where they're coming from, even if that doesn’t mean excusing their actions. It doesn’t mean you have to tolerate their behaviour, just that you might see things from a different perspective and consider that in your decision. Op's dd does not have to invite the girl, it will feel gutting for her and there will be a fall out in the group, guaranteed as many girls love that kind of drama as young teens. It's up to the op's dd but actions have consequences. If she is happy to work through a potential fallout and make this girl upset that's fine. Her choice. Or they could try and be emotionally intelligent about it.

Your daughter must decide if she's up for taking a risk.
Neither decision she makes would be wrong though.

Hmmm so it sounds like she's now on the periphery of this friendship group? I suspect the dynamic isn't very nice here...

Empathy on the other hand is a the ability to understand and share the feelings of others.

You don't need to have empathy for people who make you unhappy.

Are you seriously saying that empathy = people pleasing? Empathy is beings socially sensitive and smart, people pleasing is if you compulsively behave in a manner to never offend anyone so that people keep liking you, it's an expression of very low self esteem. Empathy on the other hand is a the ability to understand and share the feelings of others.

Dynamics are often such that the person who is leaving someone out is seems as the bully. It depends on OP's dd if she is prepared to handle that. Sometimes you have to be diplomatic and smart.

She doesn’t invite her. She’s not friends with her and neither is the majority of her friendship group.

I would ask her how she would feel if she was the one left out

But it's not OP's DD's job to smooth things over for this girl.

We did this for dd1's 11 th birthday. She was adamant that this girl would bring nothing but drama, they had fallen out fairly publicly a few times - it seemed like a no brainer.

I am really 50/50 about whether we did the right thing. Ultimately they are old enough to need to realise that if you behave in a certain way then the invites are likely to dry up. Equally it's a bit of a line in the sand, certainly for dd1 it meant that relationship is never going to recover.

We're talking about excluding one dc who apparently doesn't have any friends.

Either the one being excluded is a serious bully i can't think of any other reason to just exclude 1 person, or the op's dc isn't a very nice person.

This is the best advice.

It's socially not very smart to exclude this girl. It's petty as if they are all in a friendship group the girl will feel gutted, why be so unkind?

It's also my experience when her friends she that she leaves out the other girl they may soon turn on her for being mean. Girl friendships that age can bear very complex and tricky.

Talk it through with your dd but explain that shawl goes round comes round.

Being kind =/= inviting people you dislike to your events, though.

You can be kind to people and not want to spend time with them.

Would you really tell your teenage child that they had to invite someone to their party if that child made them unhappy?

I've gone through the birthday party stage and no, you don't exclude one dc.

The op needs to expand on why the friend made her dd unhappy though.

If she's a horrible bully and they've addressed this with school etc etc fine, if the dd has just gone off her it is very unkind, we brought our kids up not to be unkind but each to their own.

Do you invite people you don't like to celebrate your birthday? Or only invite a few people in case you offend someone you dislike?

Ah ok- thanks for clarifying. Then, no your DD shouldn't feel bad about this at all. It's kind that she cares, but she isnt responsible for this girl's friendships, neither is she responsible for her behaviour.

Your daughter isnt obliged to invite someone to her party if her behaviour towards her has not been good.

Due to what behaviour? Is she a bully or is she childish, what?

No. You don't exclude 1 kid who doesn't have friends, she invites all or some.

Given it's secondary school, I would leave it up to the birthday girl, she's old enough to know who she wants to invite, and I wouldn't be getting involved

I don't think your DD has any reason to feel bad. If four out of five in the group are no longer friends with this girl, she maybe needs to have a think about her behaviour!

…as far as I can see, you get one of these outcomes:

DD doesn’t invite her, invites the rest of the group, nobody says anything, things carry on as they are now.

DD doesn’t invite her, the rest of the group feel sorry for the excluded girl, think your daughter has been mean, and their behaviour towards your daughter changes.

DD does invite her, and has someone she doesn’t really want at her party.

Depends on the stable the group is. If you have ever studied Drama Triangles, you DD is currently in the middle of one.

You said that if she excludes her, it's passive bullying.

So what do you think she should do? Invite her anyway even though she dislikes her and she makes her unhappy? Change her birthday to avoid offending someone she doesn't even like?

So much people-pleasing going on here.

If this girl is still in her friendship group, then I’m assuming they hang out regularly at school and at other social events. If your daughter feels bad about not inviting her cause she doesn’t have any other friends, then she may as well just invite her, seeing as she clearly hangs out with her a lot anyway? So not sure what difference a birthday party makes.

That isn't what I said is it ?

This. Your OP doesnt make any sense at all. If this girl is indeed part of the friendship group then she does indeed have friends and if she isnt and doesnt then why would your DD need to invite her in the first place? she's simply someone she knows and not a "friend".

If she IS in the friendship group and your daughter excludes her then thats her choice but be prepared for the potential consequences which your daughter may not like very much.

No, as ex friend is part of the group, I wouldn't exclude her, it is just getting one up really.
Obviously it is DD choice.