DD wants to exclude one girl from her bday party

It is absolutely unkind to exclude just one person out of a group. That kind of behaviour can cause significant pain/ hurt to the individual excluded (there is an evolutionary basis to this- we are biologically programmed to find exclusion/ rejection from the social group painful). Knowingly causing significant hurt to another person just because you want to is unkind behaviour.

⬆️⬆️ this with bells on

Kindness hapoens at other places. When you struggle with a friendship and you try to understand what’s going on, make amend, have hard conversation, accommodate (within your own limits), don’t judge etc….

But someone you dint like? Someone that makes you unhappy? You dint have to ‘be kind’ and include them sorry.
Just like you dint have to carry on with ANY relationship that makes you unhappy because the other person ‘is struggling/would be really upset etc…’

Ultimately it’s her choice, but actions have consequences. She may be later kicked out of the friendship group for whatever reason, or only be clinging on to it by one friend. If the shoe was on the other foot how would she feel? The other girl may not care and may not even go anyway, sounds like she’s aware of the situation and only sits with them at school or whatever for survival purposes. Would the other girls turn on her if she was invited? Did she bully your DD or be a mean girl towards her in the past? If this friend is around her at school and of no real consequence other than they’ve drifted apart or not each others cup of tea, then i don’t see how it’s such a big deal to have her there. However it depends what the activity is - sleep over at your house, maybe not. Day out somewhere fun, probably not as big a deal.

I don't think that's what the OP said though, she's not managing the friendship whilst still being in a group.

There is still not enough context here! OP's posts are all very vague about the "behaviour" exhibited by this girl.

Eg. If by behaviour, you mean this girl has bullied or been vile or mean to your daughter then NO, absolutely no way would I be inviting her. I was bullied at school, and hell would have frozen over before I invited any of the girls who made my school life a living hell to my party

If, on the other hand you mean, this girl is merely shy, quiet, or a bit socially awkward but has generally been nice/kind to your daughter, then thats very different and not a very kind thing for your daughter to do.

Lots of details are missing here which is why people are all giving opposing views.

This would be my position too. I’d never facilitate my child causing hurt to another child like that. I just don’t get the selfish attitude of people.

Deleting accidental double-post.

It is still unclear what this girl has done to make DD unhappy and how this friendship group works with the girl only being friends with 1 of a "group"of 5. It is very tricky OP, your DD risks creating quite a bit of drama here and losing her own friends.

Can you explain how they work as a group?
If the girl spends time with that 1 away from the others, fine To exclude. If she's just perched next to that girl while they sit as a 6, not fine to exclude.
If there has been an actual behaviour discussion and the girl refused to change then doesn't speak with OP DD, then fine To exclude. If she's (more likely) spoken to as normal without some secrets but is being kept in the dark about the issue, then not fine to exclude.

For me, kindness doesn't mean you have invite people you dislike to your birthday party.

It's also not selfish to say you don't want to spend time with someone who makes you unhappy.

Who said force? Of course you can’t force. We’re talking about how a parent encourages their child to navigate a social situation which could be very hurtful to a teenage girl.

Being kind has nothing to do with a “be kind” movement. Kindness is a normal emotion humans intrinsically hold but sometimes need support to nurture. It’s easier to be selfish but nothing good comes from being selfish. Kindness is my number one lesson for my kids, it’s a quality that will serve them well in life.

@Verydemure it could come back to haunt her, but so could faking a friendship with someone she doesn't like.

Ultimately I just don't think we should be telling our daughters that it's their job to smooth things over and to stop other people from getting their feelings hurt - especially when those people have made us unhappy.

From the other perspective:

“Dd was part of a friendship group. One of the girls decided that she didn’t like her anymore and stopped including her. A few others followed suit, although one girl is still friendly with her. She has no other friendship group to join, has lost her confidence and is sad and lonely. Meanwhile, the other girls are organising fun outings & generally excluding her. “

Did anything happen to cause a fall out? If not, then it most certainly is passive bullying. Teen Girls often follow the group leader and can be very mean without realising the consequences. Your post was vague about how she made your dd unhappy.

If the other girl was being unkind to your dd, then fair enough, don’t include her.

The OP’s latest update- which is still rather vague.

but the key point is they all still hang out together.

OP’s DD has said the following:

the girl is only friends ( ie - liked) with one of the group.

the OP and three others claim not to like her.

The girl hasn’t ’moved on’ from the group, which suggests they are all being a bit 2 faced about it and this girl isn’t aware she is so disliked.

I’d guess from this, that the other 3 don’t have the stomach to kick her out the group and so have left it to OP’s DD to wield the knife.

she can if she wants, but she’ll piss off the friend who likes the ‘unwanted’ friend. And the other 3 could all turn on her later.

as a former teenage girl, I’m just saying that being the one to blatantly exclude this girl could come back to haunt her. OP’s DD may find herself having to grovel to this girl if she gets kicked out of the group.

yes - she can invite who she wants, she can spend time with who she wants. But she’s effectively being the one to ostracise this girl ( the others haven’t - even if they claim to not be friends)

Where does it say that?

What about going to school?
Being polite and respectful to other people?
Saving money / spending sensibly?
Meet you for a lift home as agreed, rather than accept one from the gorgeous 30 year old man that she really wants to get to know better?

Bit of a silly stance to take. There are plenty of times when a teenage girl should do things she doesn’t want to.

No - you don’t. But empathy isn’t something you ‘give’ to the other person.

it’s actually just useful for understanding why that person makes you unhappy.

having empathy can completely turn around a situation.

This girl might be awful. Equally, she may be lovely but has fallen foul of teen politics.

OP’s update doesn’t really make it clearer. Were told only one girl is friends with the unwanted one, but the others have distanced themselves. But this girl hasn’t got the message yet. It sounds like she is being pushed out of her friendship group.

I’d say OP is getting half the story, and MN is getting a part of that.

yes - she can invite who she wants, she can spend time with who she wants. But she’s effectively being the one to ostracise this girl ( the others haven’t - even if they claim to not be friends)

OP- your DD should be aware that she ends up being painted as the bad one who chucked this girl out of the group.

it would be wise to invite her if the group is still
officially including all of them.

If my DD was being left out, I would be encouraging her to find new friends. I certainly wouldn't want someone sending her a pity-invite when they clearly didn't want her there.

When DD was about 9 I had this problem.
The girl just turned up 😄
I just let the girl join and get on with it. She had a cousin at the party and everything was fine.
I’d try and encourage your DD to let her come tbh and chat to her about what’s going on.

I wouldn’t do it.
Friendships can be fickle and tribal at that age.
Before she knows it your DD could be cast as the Mean Girl and find herself the one excluded.

My suggestion: a self-funded group activity to enjoy the occasion of the birthday including all 6 of the girls in the group (including the girl she doesn’t like) where she can maintain the current dynamic and people who don't get on can keep their distance e.g. cinema / shopping and lunch out / day at a local attraction. Everyone pays for themselves, just a chance to say happy birthday.

If she wants a ‘party’, invite 2-3 friends for a sleepover seperately.

No teen girl should ever be made to feel that she has to do something she doesn't want to.

How would you feel if it was your daughter being left out? Can you explain to us what the behaviour problems are though?

But if you read the updates, it sounds like the fallout has already happened and the lack of an invite is the result of that.

I am with the DD. If the one non-invited has been unreasonable or nasty in her behaviour, then learning that such things have consequences is no bad thing.

I wouldn't feel happy about excluding her but your daughters decision at the end of the day.

I had someone who did this to me. We were friends, we did a lot of after school activities together, I thought we were part of a group. I just apparently wasn't in her top ten. She didn't tell me about it and I just found out because other people talked about it. So I pulled right back. I still remember it 30 years plus later. It was a cold water dose of reality that those people didn't want me in that group at that time. So I moved on. Yes, I was hurt. It doesn't mean she did anything wrong though. Your daughter can decide if she wants to take responsibility for the feelings of others or not. I'd say not would be healthier, but accepting there will be hurt caused is an important part of boundaries.