DD wants to exclude one girl from her bday party

Tricky. Your daughter would be fine to invite just her close friends, but to leave out ONE seems a little mean.

If she is confused it possibly means that she should invite her... they are not over being friendly yet.

I'd rather not be invited than later find out I'd been lied to. The chance of someone NOT letting it slip at some point is close to zero.

But again, it doesn't actually say that this girl is part of their group. It says she was, but that only one of the original group is still friendly with her today.

Good answer. At that age I discussed these things with my DC to help them consider all possibilities. In the end though, I think you need to accept her decision.

You can invite whomever you wish to your birthday, but leaving one of a group of friends out is poor social form and is mean spirited. As said, it is those who winge why should I be forced to be kind that get the most upset when they or their kid isn't invited. So they don't afford others with the same choice to invite who they wish.

Was she nasty to your daughter….what is the reason for the dislike

Are you sure your DD and her friends aren’t just trying to bully her and you are just hearing one side of the story

This poor girl being "allowed" to stay in the friendship group and thinking they are all still friends while behind her back your DD and the rest have decided they don't like her is frankly far crueler than being knowingly excluded from a birthday party. It's really twisted, like they're allowing her to hang around still for the purpose of being able to mistreat her. You should be talking to your DD about that. The birthday party is really an aside at this point.

OP doesn't say this girl is in their friendship group.

She says she used to be, and now only one girl out of the original group of six is still friendly with her.

So be sneaky, you encourage teenagers to sneak about and wrap it up as "kindness".

At this age it's all part of growing up and ultimately it's your DD's decision. You need to have faith that you have brought her up with the correct emotional intelligence to deal with it.

Even if they were in your friendship group?

Yes, exactly.

I'm not suggesting they openly exclude her and brag about the party in front of her or anything. DD can just say she's not doing anything for her birthday and they can arrange something privately.

You can exclude one person and still do it kindly. You just have to make sure they never know they were excluded. So nothing on shared social media and no chatting about it in front of her at school.

I think it's okay to be selfish sometimes.

As an adult, I wouldn't invite someone to celebrate my birthday with me if I didn't like them - is that "ugly"?

My DD has a policy of inviting everyone in her friendship group as it is so much easier than dealing with the upset and she would feel guilty if she excluded anyone. Her friends seem to appreciate it as well because they don’t have to feel uncomfortable about someone being left out.

IME with 3 nearly grown up children and dozens and dozens of mums I have known over the years years, those who are happy to exclude one child from parties and special outings cry the loudest when they or their child are left out.

It's selfish behaviour and quite ugly.

It depends a bit on what 'making her unhappy' means. If the other girl has been actively bullying her, then I think it's fair to exclude her. If it's just that she's too needy, socially awkward or gloomy, then I think it would be unfair and somewhat cruel to exclude her in an obvious way (and may also set a precedent for how the others in the friendship group may treat your dd if there's ever a falling-out). I think that if it wasn't bullying, your dd should either invite the whole friendship group or just a couple of them.

This happened to DD (then 13) last year, only not over a party but a special outing. They had all been talking about going on a special outing, like a picnic, DD actually started this chat by saying how lovely it would be to go on this sort of trip, all agreed, excited planning took place. Then DD found out the group had all gone on the picnic and not invited her. They even shared photos on the group chat. She was heartbroken. Turned out one particular girl organized it and left DD out and the others didn't really realize or thought she just couldn't come or whatever, not sure. But anyway it resulted in DD splitting with that entire group of 5 or 6 girls.

DD's "crime" was that she was in the early stages of a Crohn's flare, not feeling great, and a bit quiet overall in consequence. I think the ringleader (who has form for excluding people) thought she was being snooty.

Teen girls can be really nasty. I would be a bit hesitant to not invite just one of a group, but I guess it's up to you. How much harm could she cause as part of a wider group?

She needs to have eyes wide open that there may be long term consequences (that may not occur to her now) to deal with for her and other girls. Sometimes when people are in a position of power, they forget that the people they excluded can impact them in other ways down the line. For example, will this girl feel bullied by this and then your daughter may need to deal with that label long term?

This sounds like standard classic mean girls teen politics to me, as the girl is still in the group and they all still hang out together, so yes it would very mean to leave her out.

What behaviour are you referring to? It would help if you elaborated, as it’s hard to make a judgement call based on such scant information.

I have always encouraged my dc to have autonomy and make difficult and unpopular decisions at time re friendships, but I could never support bullying by exclusion, which is what this is.

Op watch out your dd could be next, groups have a tendency to blow up at this age, I would be advising my dc not to get involved with the unkindness and politics. Try to remain on good/reasonable terms with everyone.

Why would you invite someone who you’re not friends with? This is where it all went wrong with ‘be kind’

Except it's not clear that they are a group.

OP says they were a group of six originally, but that now, only one other girl from the group is still friendly with the one the DD doesn't want to invite.

I still maintain that it shouldn't be down to OP's daughter to smooth things over with someone who doesn't make her happy. That's not being unkind - it's natural consequences.

And yes, I've been the one to be excluded before. Is it nice? No. But that's life, you can't protect people from hurt and upset constantly.

OP’s two posts (as I write) are very opaque.

If this girl has become a bully to OP’s DD then of course she need not be included. For all we know, however, she could just be depressed and have a tendency to negativity that, understandably, the other girls don’t like. In this case an invite might mean a great deal to her and exclusion might hurt very badly. Or perhaps ‘her behaviour’ that they don’t like is something that doesn’t even involve them. For example, the group could be judging her sexual behaviour, or rumours thereof.

If the girl hasn’t acted badly to OP’s DD and does hang out with the group then excluding her is a Mean Girl move. These do tend to rebound.

This

Amazed at how many responders are encouraging you to a) let her decide and b) encouraging your DD to leave her out.

Firstly, at high school, young people still need guidance to do the right thing, and this is an opportunity to show maturity, empathy and how not to be a bully/mean girl as others have said.

Secondly, you have no idea what this other girl is going through to behave the way she is. Being the one who's left out is hugely hurtful and can really affect people. It's simply a nasty thing to do and I don't think your daughter should be guided that this is ok. This is a great opportunity for her to learn how to tackle a situation like this. And if she does go ahead and exclude, then she'll have no leg to stand on if she is, one day, the one who is excluded.