DD wants to exclude one girl from her bday party

'Not liking someone is more than valid to not invite that person, though. Why would anyone invite someone they dislike?'

No one is suggesting invite any old Tom Dick or Harry and it doesn't matter if they don't like them.

The situation is she is, for now, part of the small friendship group. To exclude only one over vague 'doesn't make the op's dd happy' reason seems odd.

Anyway the op's had a rethink and they're inviting.

I'm a bit surprised by all the people saying invite her to be kind.

As an adult, would YOU want to get an invite somewhere even though the person didnt really want you there and only did it because they felt sorry for you?

I literally cant think of anything bloody worse than awkwardly being somewhere that noone wanted me at, whilst they were all chatting away and I was some kind of spare part, tacked on to the end of it due to sheer pity.

Literally noone would have a good time in a scenario like that- and I dont think for one moment anyone would willingly choose that over simply not going in the first place. Either invite someone because you like their company and enjoy spending time with them, or dont.

I would argue that trying to have it both ways is FAR crueller to the person than simply not inviting them in the first place.

Not liking someone is more than valid to not invite that person, though. Why would anyone invite someone they dislike?

@Gf347 without knowing what’s causing all this it’s difficult to advise. I probably would just stay out of it as it’s a teenage issue.

We don't know. Other than she doesn't make the dd happy we don't know why and yes to those asking, it does matter when it comes to being the only one excluded.

It's the right thing to do

but it really comes down to what this girl has done to be pushed out of the group. And that’s an unknown.

See, I'm just not all convinced it really matters that much. Nobody has to be friends with another person if they don't want to be - whether that's because they're a bully, controlling, unpleasant or just someone they don't gel with - it's irrelevant, really.

What is the "behaviour"?

Is she actively cruel and abusive? Does she tell lies, stir up gossip and manipulate people? Or is she just immature/ odd/ neurodivergent/ a bit confrontational?

I think its important at this age that a child can say this other child made me unhappy and I don't want to be around them - its learning to define boundaries and not be a people pleaser.

I think it sounds beastly. It's up to your daughter in a way, but I would take a very dim view of both of you for excluding one girl out of a whole group. A few girls did this to my daughter, and it affected both of us for years, you put on a brave face, best foot forward and all that but it is a form of bullying and social exclusion and it could encourage others to do the same.

I think everyone is invited or no one is invited is always a good simple policy, it makes you look magnanimous, generous and above all the nonsense .

I described DD's situation a few pages back. Tbh I think her card was marked earlier on, about a year before. One slightly peripheral group member (Anna) became friends with a girl and invited her to join their table at lunch. This new girl - let's call her Sophie - was "uncool" in some way. Having since met her it's immediately obvious that she is ND (I work with autistic kids). DD's friends appeared fearful of "uncool by association" and immediately began ostracizing Anna and Sophie, as in, getting up from the lunch table and moving away, running away when she tried to walk home with them etc. My DD was in bits about this as she said, Sophie didn't deserve it and had done nothing wrong. DD walked home with the group and managed to navigate the friendship for another year, sitting with Anna and Sophie at lunch (because she refused to switch tables when S and A had done nothing wrong) and walking to and from school with her "friends" group. However fast forward a year and she was poorly, quieter and walking slowly and the Queen Bee obviously decided to orchestrate another girl out - though to be fair they never ran off when DD came near like they did with Sophie, they just stopped inviting her to things.

Her refusal to join in with a gang mentality against a girl who may have been a bit awkward but who wasn't unkind or unpleasant is one of the things I am the most proud of her about.

Another year on and DD has a wonderful group of real friends. She took great comfort in me telling her something I read on here, actually - "friends are usually friends for a reason, for a season, or for a lifetime". Her previous group were friends for a season; and that's ok. Her current group feels like many of them will be friends for a lifetime.

Exactly. I'm beginning to think this too. No mention has been made of her bullying your daughter, simply that your daughter is "unhappy". Why?

If you cant be clear about what it is exactly this girl has done to your daughter then how can people give a proper response??

Why do I keep picturing Muriel’s Wedding, and the Island Holiday trip ….

I no more expect a child/teenager to spend their special day with someone they don’t like than I’d expect an adult to.
It’s odd to me that this even comes up, the idea that any child or young person should compromise their own special event just to keep someone else happy.

I would not. As you say, others in the group have had problems with this girl and the girl is already somewhat disengaged from the group. This is a step backwards, in the wrong direction after your daughter has already been through a lot with this girl and gone through the effort to get rid of her. Also, we learn social consequences by receiving them as is appropriate. And "groups" evolve and change rapidly anyway, especially with teenagers. It's not like you're talking about a group of sisters.

How will you feel if the girl then starts hounding your daughter to be closer again or acts up and ruins your daughter's party?

I think you are overthinking this. Just don't invite her and don't worry about it.

If your daughter has agreed to this then it could possibly mean that the girl in question has not done anything to deserve the nastiness that is being shown to her by your daughter and her friends and that they are actually just being mean girl bullies

I presume your daughter had no valid reason for not wanting the girl there other than she doesn’t like her and neither does her friends therefore your daughter is concerned about her own popularity ( herd mentality)

If your daughter had a valid reason for disliking the girl then you would not be inviting her

I would encourage my dd to not leave one person out.

How would your daughter feel if it was the other way around and the friendship group were invited to the friend’s party but not your DD? I would let that guide my decision.

Totally agree with this.

I get the impression that OP wants to justify her DD’s behaviour ( which she herself knows is off) by getting everyone on mumsnet to pile on in support with the line that this is somehow a feminist act because we’re teaching girls to be assertive and not people- please.

Everyone knows you don't invite an entire class except one child in front of their face. My sister's school banned party invites for this reason.

I get your point about not teaching girls to be people pleasers.

but it really comes down to what this girl has done to be pushed out of the group. And that’s an unknown.

If this girl has been toxic, mean, disrespectful then absolutely, she shouldn’t have to invite her.

but that doesn’t sound like the issue here. As I and other PPs have pointed out, OP is being vague and opaque about what exactly is happening here.

It actually is pointless us debating it really, as if the scenario is one that you are assuming, you’re right. And I’m the scenario I’m assuming is right, than I am!

It has to be something. Not making someone happy has a mean girls ganging up feel about it.

If the girl about to be excluded is difficult, controlling and unpleasant that is of course very relevant.

Why does it have to be something awful?

Why isn’t being needy, or difficult, or mild stirring, or controlling, or exposing others to mental health issues that they don’t know what to do with enough? Or simply incompatibility?

Do you often hang out socially with people you dislike , that don’t make you happy or that you don’t click with?

For teen girls being ostracised from the group and trying to find new friends is extremely challenging and difficult - and potentially unlikely. Girls are not always the same as boys, just rubbing along until they find their tribe.

Most girls can’t just shrug and not care, it just does not work like that! She will have no one to go to lunch with, she will become an easy target for bullies, she won’t have anywhere to go for break. Becoming the school leper is the biggest threat to teens girls. This is terrible advice for a teen girl - as she is likely to suffer terribly.

What would be the impact on your daughter and the friendship group if this girl attended the party ? Would it spoil or be no different? Then think about the impact on the girl who isn’t invited and weigh it all up. Ultimately at the end of the day it’s your daughters call isn’t it and all you can do is support her with the decision.