Page 2 | DD wants to exclude one girl from her bday party

Gf347 · 2025-04-27T07:14:21+00:00

DD (in high school) was very good friends with a girl last year but the friendship made her very unhappy. Has since managed tio distance herself from the girl and is feeling much happier. Fast forward and her bday party is coming up and she doesn’t want to invite this girl. She feels bad though as this girl doesn’t really have any friends and DD will also be inviting everyone else from her friendship group so it would be obvious she is excluded. WWYD?

RareMaker · 27/04/2025 17:11

It's ok, BUT girls are fickle at this age. There could be a throwback from this. How would DD feel if the roles were reversed.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 27/04/2025 17:11

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:58

You’ve got literally no idea what has happened. It could quite easily be a bunch of girls who decide to turn on someone and wait for everyone in their gang to follow suit. It is exactly what happens in teenage friendships and bullying.

The OPs DD doesn’t want to be friends with her but evidently someone does or she wouldn’t still be in that group.

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Exactly...that's exactly how bullying works in female friendship groups. Everything this girl does will become embarrassing/awkward/rude/crazy/weird and it's her own fault because she doesn't fit in and no one likes her. And when she gets upset with her friends acting different or excluding her or talking behind her back, her reaction will further fan the flames. Anyone familiar with this age group will have seen it plenty of times.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 27/04/2025 17:09

I would encourage my daughter to be kind

RollingCottageBlue · 27/04/2025 17:02

I agree with the not leaving out one in this case person and am glad op's dd has changed her mind.

Having such expert opinions on this thread, what about the following scenario (not trying to derail but it's an interesting conversation, and Op has come to a resolution for her dilemma).

In a hobby group of six, how reasonable is it to invite only five, specifically those who regularly respond to or engage with your invitations to socialise outside of the hobby? Especially if you've already included all six in previous parties and other activities, but the sixth person has never reciprocated or shown much interest but you get on well enough with them during the hobby? Do people feel it's ok not to extend an invite to hobby friend no.6 if they have never ever met up outside of the hobby and if you have invited them to your parties and get-togethers but never been invited back? Wondering.

kirinm · 27/04/2025 17:00

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 16:54

How is a child, who treats people in ways that alienate them, going to learn to change their behaviour if there are no social consequences from their actions? They continue to think it’s acceptable because well meaning parents keep insisting their children invite them regardless. With no consideration for how it makes the birthday child feel.
Being excluded by other teenagers is a powerful motivator for a teenage girl to reflect on their behaviour towards others and address the things that are driving others not to enjoy her company.

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You sound like the sort of parent that would overlook their precious child ostracise another child. And wouldn’t care how damaging that is. Unless it was happening to your kid.

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:58

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 16:54

How is a child, who treats people in ways that alienate them, going to learn to change their behaviour if there are no social consequences from their actions? They continue to think it’s acceptable because well meaning parents keep insisting their children invite them regardless. With no consideration for how it makes the birthday child feel.
Being excluded by other teenagers is a powerful motivator for a teenage girl to reflect on their behaviour towards others and address the things that are driving others not to enjoy her company.

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You’ve got literally no idea what has happened. It could quite easily be a bunch of girls who decide to turn on someone and wait for everyone in their gang to follow suit. It is exactly what happens in teenage friendships and bullying.

The OPs DD doesn’t want to be friends with her but evidently someone does or she wouldn’t still be in that group.

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 16:56

bluesriff · 27/04/2025 16:29

I'm a bit surprised by all the people saying invite her to be kind.

As an adult, would YOU want to get an invite somewhere even though the person didnt really want you there and only did it because they felt sorry for you?

I literally cant think of anything bloody worse than awkwardly being somewhere that noone wanted me at, whilst they were all chatting away and I was some kind of spare part, tacked on to the end of it due to sheer pity.

Literally noone would have a good time in a scenario like that- and I dont think for one moment anyone would willingly choose that over simply not going in the first place. Either invite someone because you like their company and enjoy spending time with them, or dont.

I would argue that trying to have it both ways is FAR crueller to the person than simply not inviting them in the first place.

How likely is that to be the case?
The girl is part of the social group, not some random hanger on that nobody really wants around.

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 16:54

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:52

What is ‘sacrificing’ her own happiness Op? If she’s so unhappy why doesn’t your DP find someone else to hang around with? Whatever is going on, this girl is still in the friendship group. Why doesn’t your DD leave?

Exactly.

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 16:54

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:47

When it’s your child that’s being excluded from people she thought were her friends I wonder how you’ll feel.

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How is a child, who treats people in ways that alienate them, going to learn to change their behaviour if there are no social consequences from their actions? They continue to think it’s acceptable because well meaning parents keep insisting their children invite them regardless. With no consideration for how it makes the birthday child feel.
Being excluded by other teenagers is a powerful motivator for a teenage girl to reflect on their behaviour towards others and address the things that are driving others not to enjoy her company.

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:53

faerietales · 27/04/2025 16:50

Except she is not really part of their social group anymore.

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Except she is because it wouldn’t be a question if she wasn’t.

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:52

What is ‘sacrificing’ her own happiness Op? If she’s so unhappy why doesn’t your DP find someone else to hang around with? Whatever is going on, this girl is still in the friendship group. Why doesn’t your DD leave?

faerietales · 27/04/2025 16:50

hazelnutvanillalatte · 27/04/2025 16:44

Not the person you replied to but I wouldn't invite all but one member of a social group, no. That's pretty basic etiquette.

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Except she is not really part of their social group anymore.

faerietales · 27/04/2025 16:49

Verydemure · 27/04/2025 16:35

So it’s ok to bully someone you don’t like? And exclude them from the wider group?

Given that this sounds like an established group, they’ve already been friends for a while. it’s not some random kid being forced on them.

I also can’t think of a group in my adult life that’s bigger than 2 people where there hasn’t been some dynamic where not everyone is equally close, or there’s been some friction with some people.

absolutely teach your DDs to define boundaries and not people please, but in the real world ( work, university, friends groups) there’s always going to be frictions, disagreements and changing group dynamics.

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It's not bullying not to want to invite someone you dislike to your birthday.

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 16:48

Gf347 · 27/04/2025 14:34

It’s not like that at all. Many of the girls have spoken to her about how they feel but she has not wanted to move away from the group as currently she has no other friends. Whilst this person is not toxic she has no insight into her behaviour despite the girls discussing this with her. DD does not want to be cruel but feels that she has spent over a year sacrificing her own happiness so that this girl would be happy within the friendship. She has finally been strong enough to prioritise herself.

This doesn’t sound remotely believable, to be perfectly honest.
Load of nonsense.
The girl is part of the friendship group, however “unhappy” that make your Dd.

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:47

BelfastBard · 27/04/2025 16:12

I no more expect a child/teenager to spend their special day with someone they don’t like than I’d expect an adult to.
It’s odd to me that this even comes up, the idea that any child or young person should compromise their own special event just to keep someone else happy.

When it’s your child that’s being excluded from people she thought were her friends I wonder how you’ll feel.

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:45

GRex · 27/04/2025 14:46

Clear as a blur in a smudge factory.

Why don't you actually say what it is that they don't like about this girl? Why her "behaviour" makes them "unhappy"? The more you keep wafting veils in front of the supposed problem, the more I think it's likely that your DD and friends are bullying this girl for their own entertainment. This is just phase X in the drama of "Poor us having to navigate dealing with that loser, sigh, we're so cool and brilliant, she isn't good enough for us." Is this really the type of human you wanted to raise?

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It’s this isn’t it. Very clearly. Nice kids.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 27/04/2025 16:44

faerietales · 27/04/2025 11:52

Do you invite people you don't like to celebrate your birthday? Or only invite a few people in case you offend someone you dislike?

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Not the person you replied to but I wouldn't invite all but one member of a social group, no. That's pretty basic etiquette.

Hastentoadd · 27/04/2025 16:43

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 27/04/2025 16:36

If OP’s DD was nasty and a bully she wouldn’t give this other girl a second thought, much less feel bad about it and discuss it with her mother and ask for advice/opinion. Or agree to invite her anyway at her mother’s insistence.

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It appears that she (daughter) did not want to invite her but didn’t really have a valid reason for doing so therefore her mother talked her round
The OP has been pretty scant on the actual details for the reason for dislike though

Coffeeishot · 27/04/2025 16:43

Op this friendship might fizzle out on its own, but I think pp are right if she isn't invited then it's going to be your Dd that is bad guy, and it is possible that it will blow up in your Dds face.

kirinm · 27/04/2025 16:42

teenage girls can make other teenage girls lives hellish. I don’t feel like the OP has been particularly clear. This girl wouldn’t even be in the picture if she doesn’t hang around with the group in some way.

Verydemure · 27/04/2025 16:41

bluesriff · 27/04/2025 16:29

I'm a bit surprised by all the people saying invite her to be kind.

As an adult, would YOU want to get an invite somewhere even though the person didnt really want you there and only did it because they felt sorry for you?

I literally cant think of anything bloody worse than awkwardly being somewhere that noone wanted me at, whilst they were all chatting away and I was some kind of spare part, tacked on to the end of it due to sheer pity.

Literally noone would have a good time in a scenario like that- and I dont think for one moment anyone would willingly choose that over simply not going in the first place. Either invite someone because you like their company and enjoy spending time with them, or dont.

I would argue that trying to have it both ways is FAR crueller to the person than simply not inviting them in the first place.

As an adult - yes you’re right.

but teenagers actually need some guidance on how to manage social situations. They often opt for the nuclear option. You don’t have to fall out with everyone you don’t agree with or are different from.

there’s a reason this kind of thing doesn’t happen as much among older people. It’s because we learn to be more accommodating of each other’s differences. Not because we’re all people pleasers!

if this was an adult posting about her friendship group, we’d all be telling the OP to grow up. That’s because cutting a friend out because she doesn’t fit your vibe is deeply immature

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 16:38

toomuchfaff · 27/04/2025 09:39

We don't know if the excluded girl is a massive bully who intimidated the DD and doesn't have empathy or show it?

Why does DD have to show empathy? Isn't that just people pleasing?

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I imagine op would have said if this were the case. No need to make up your own fairy tales.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 27/04/2025 16:36

Hastentoadd · 27/04/2025 16:02

If your daughter has agreed to this then it could possibly mean that the girl in question has not done anything to deserve the nastiness that is being shown to her by your daughter and her friends and that they are actually just being mean girl bullies

I presume your daughter had no valid reason for not wanting the girl there other than she doesn’t like her and neither does her friends therefore your daughter is concerned about her own popularity ( herd mentality)

If your daughter had a valid reason for disliking the girl then you would not be inviting her

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If OP’s DD was nasty and a bully she wouldn’t give this other girl a second thought, much less feel bad about it and discuss it with her mother and ask for advice/opinion. Or agree to invite her anyway at her mother’s insistence.

Verydemure · 27/04/2025 16:35

faerietales · 27/04/2025 16:21

but it really comes down to what this girl has done to be pushed out of the group. And that’s an unknown.

See, I'm just not all convinced it really matters that much. Nobody has to be friends with another person if they don't want to be - whether that's because they're a bully, controlling, unpleasant or just someone they don't gel with - it's irrelevant, really.

So it’s ok to bully someone you don’t like? And exclude them from the wider group?

Given that this sounds like an established group, they’ve already been friends for a while. it’s not some random kid being forced on them.

I also can’t think of a group in my adult life that’s bigger than 2 people where there hasn’t been some dynamic where not everyone is equally close, or there’s been some friction with some people.

absolutely teach your DDs to define boundaries and not people please, but in the real world ( work, university, friends groups) there’s always going to be frictions, disagreements and changing group dynamics.

Hastentoadd · 27/04/2025 16:33

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 27/04/2025 16:28

Not liking someone is more than valid to not invite that person, though. Why would anyone invite someone they dislike?

@Gf347 without knowing what’s causing all this it’s difficult to advise. I probably would just stay out of it as it’s a teenage issue.

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Not liking someone is more than valid to not invite that person, though

Agree, however the reason for the dislike was not made clear therefore could actually be founded on absolutely nothing and could possibly be just bullying and excluding

Thats what commenters were trying to get to the bottom of