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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU or is DH’s parenting choice here crap

257 replies

NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:05

NC but long time poster. My washing gets ‘darked on’ sometimes. AIBU or was this not great parenting by DH;

DS 13 had been gaming with DH all evening. I am ill so had gone to bed. 11pm I go to loo and DS still up. His bed linen is on the floor. DH in bed.

I ask how come he’s not in bed (should be lights out 10.30) and he says ‘dad won’t put my bed sheets on’.

I ask DH and he’s basically told DS to help put bed linen on (he’s never had to help with this chore before, DH had stripped the bed earlier then not put the fresh linen back on) and DS has said no, he’s too tired. He is is coming down with the same thing as me and it’s exhausting so I imagine he was a bit whiney. So DH had just left him and gone to bed.

So I know a 13 year old is capable of putting bed linen on but AIU to think that insisting on it for the first time at 11pm at night, when he is coming down with a cold, is tired and he’s never had to do it before is a bit daft? And then is it U that he went to bed? Had I not happened to go to the toilet DS might have stayed up all night or fallen asleep on the sofa.

Or was DH right to put the boundary in and leave him to it if he wouldn’t help.

Context is they are both stubborn and DH has a tendency to talk to DS in a pretty Sergeant Major tone which does tend to result in defiance.

In the end I did it with DS together.

AIBU to think that DH’s parenting was a bit off here and could have resulted in a very tired moody teen today? Setting him up to fail again?

OP posts:
mikado1 · 27/04/2025 07:51

Daysgo · 27/04/2025 07:48

Said yabu but actually you both are very unreasonable to have raised a child to 13 who a) does not know how to make his bed and b) has apparently not got the wherewithal to decide to do it himself, presumably because that's how he's been raised... He is 13?

And hasn't been asked to help even before.

JoyousEagle · 27/04/2025 07:51

NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:46

I’m listening. I’m on the fence. The votes are 50/50. So it’s not clear cut. If it was 80/20 I’d be more swayed. To be honest though I am probably seeing it through a particular lens as DH can be really horrible to DS. Really horrible but I wanted feedback on this without that context to see if generally it’s poor parenting.

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I think you’re wrong on this specific instance. But if your husband is regularly “really horrible” (and verbally abusive as per your next post) to your son, does it matter what people think about this isolated incident? It sounds like you have bigger problems.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 27/04/2025 07:50

NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:49

I guess my DH has form for being verbally aggressive and getting into disproportionate rages so my assumption is that he spoke to DS horribly but I might be wrong. You are right. I don’t know for sure.

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Just read this.
Do you understand that this is abuse?
Why are you with such an aggressive person

ForZanyAquaViewer · 27/04/2025 07:49

NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:46

I’m listening. I’m on the fence. The votes are 50/50. So it’s not clear cut. If it was 80/20 I’d be more swayed. To be honest though I am probably seeing it through a particular lens as DH can be really horrible to DS. Really horrible but I wanted feedback on this without that context to see if generally it’s poor parenting.

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The vote will change as more people wake up. It’s pretty clear how this is going to go.

Is he actually really horrible to your DS? Or is it stuff like this? As he hasn’t been at all horrible in this example.

If, on the other hand (and this would be a massive drip feed) he is ACTUALLY regularly really horrible to your child, then why are you still with him?

MrsMitford3 · 27/04/2025 07:49

Doncarlos · 27/04/2025 07:12

What does “darked on” mean?

It is a reference to a thread about leaving washing out on the line overnight and it gets darked on and spider willies get on it.
It is a way to show how long you have been on MN to reference an old thread.

Original poster
NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:49

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 27/04/2025 07:48

I'm baffled how anyone needs to be shown how to put bed linen on. TBH it sounds like you're babying him because the idea that a 13yo can't figure it out is a bit ridiculous.

He didn’t need to be shown.

OP posts:
TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 27/04/2025 07:49

NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:12

Thanks for replying. I think it was stubbornness rather than laziness tbh. He can be a bit reactive when DS doesn’t comply with his instructions.

Show quote history

Wow!
That's a telling sentence.
Why are you accepting this attitude towards your DS. Is he the same with you?

Original poster
NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:49

Sirzy · 27/04/2025 07:46

You admit you have no idea what happened but your language is very much “dad bad. Dad should do it all” and “son poor little lamb who is too tired from gaming to consider some self care” which says a lot about your attitude to both of them.

Edited

I guess my DH has form for being verbally aggressive and getting into disproportionate rages so my assumption is that he spoke to DS horribly but I might be wrong. You are right. I don’t know for sure.

OP posts:
mikado1 · 27/04/2025 07:48

Plenty will vote and run. Comments speak louder imo.

ScaredOfDinosaurs · 27/04/2025 07:48

I'm baffled how anyone needs to be shown how to put bed linen on. TBH it sounds like you're babying him because the idea that a 13yo can't figure it out is a bit ridiculous.

Daysgo · 27/04/2025 07:48

Said yabu but actually you both are very unreasonable to have raised a child to 13 who a) does not know how to make his bed and b) has apparently not got the wherewithal to decide to do it himself, presumably because that's how he's been raised... He is 13?

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 27/04/2025 07:48

Have you talked to your DH about it? What was his version of events?

Sugargliderwombat · 27/04/2025 07:47

Yeha you can't decide to suddenly insist on something and start a battle over bed linen that late at night. He obviously couldn't be arsed.

McSpoot · 27/04/2025 07:46

NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:33

Well that’s the other thing. Why did DH let him game that long? I think he had used all his energy up gaming and was exhausted and defiant because of their dynamic. DH tends to get angry quickly with him.

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Do you not expect your son to take any responsibility for himself? At 13, he’s at fault for gaming too long if he was too sick.

Original poster
NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:46

ScrewedByFunding · 27/04/2025 07:43

God the amounts of times I've gone to bed and realised I've forgotten to put the sheets back on! Shit happens.

Oh, and you didn't ask to find out if DH is unreasonable... you haven't changed your view, you still think he's wrong and you just wanted validation.

I’m listening. I’m on the fence. The votes are 50/50. So it’s not clear cut. If it was 80/20 I’d be more swayed. To be honest though I am probably seeing it through a particular lens as DH can be really horrible to DS. Really horrible but I wanted feedback on this without that context to see if generally it’s poor parenting.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 27/04/2025 07:46

You admit you have no idea what happened but your language is very much “dad bad. Dad should do it all” and “son poor little lamb who is too tired from gaming to consider some self care” which says a lot about your attitude to both of them.

Ddakji · 27/04/2025 07:45

I think this is absolutely not worth starting a thread on.

RedHelenB · 27/04/2025 07:45

Koolforkats · 27/04/2025 07:12

How hard is it for DH to say “come on let’s do it together, you hold that end…” etc.

The ds is 13 not 3.
And he did ask him to help with the bedding , ds wanted to be whingey teenager so his choice to not have a made bed.

mikado1 · 27/04/2025 07:45

NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:41

It’s not the boundary itself. It’s the timing and then going to bed I think is crap.

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And refusing to help is also crap tbh. If he cared he'd have helped. Maybe he didn't care. He wasn't prevented going to bed.

SendBooksAndTea · 27/04/2025 07:45

NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:44

I think that’s just how I’ve said it there. I had no idea any of this was going on. Then when I got up to go for a wee I saw DS was up so said let’s get you to bed - you do that bit while I do this bit… etc.

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You speak to him like he's much younger than he is.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 27/04/2025 07:44

It’s interesting that OP isn’t answering any questions about whether her DS does any chores or acknowledging that the majority of posts think she’s mollycoddling him and casting her DH in the role of ‘baddie’.

Lots of nonsense about ‘boundaries’ and things being ‘sprung’ upon this poor overtired, hyped up little lamb - using an unpleasant tone of voice. It’s making his own bed.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 27/04/2025 07:44

How much do YOU contribute to the dynamic between DS and DH? You know, by always rescuing him, finding excuses, “gently” cajoling him into things that should be habit and routine?

Original poster
NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:44

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 07:27

That's very emotive and martyrdom language @NoisyHeating
was sprung on him last thing when he’s coming down with a virus. I just think it’s setting him up to fail IYSWIM?
I mean come on! 'Sprung on him' 'setting him up to fail' 'WE didn't KNOW!!' Do you often create a you and DS vs DH situation?

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I think that’s just how I’ve said it there. I had no idea any of this was going on. Then when I got up to go for a wee I saw DS was up so said let’s get you to bed - you do that bit while I do this bit… etc.

OP posts:
ScrewedByFunding · 27/04/2025 07:43

God the amounts of times I've gone to bed and realised I've forgotten to put the sheets back on! Shit happens.

Oh, and you didn't ask to find out if DH is unreasonable... you haven't changed your view, you still think he's wrong and you just wanted validation.

tamade · 27/04/2025 07:43

NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:08

Oh and DS and I had just returned from a few days away so DH had plenty of time to get the bed linen done.

If your DH had decided it was time for your DS to learn how to make his own bed (and, whatever else happened, it sounds like this is exactly what is going on) then this isn't actually relevant.