AIBU or is DH’s parenting choice here crap

@NoisyHeating ... I'm saying this with kindness and I hope it comes across that way.

If you've been a mumsnet poster for a while you must surely know that it doesn't go well when an OP asks if they've been unreasonable and then when the comments seem to go along the lines "yes probably unreasonable " they do a big drip feed of "here's why I'm not unreasonable. Here's why the other person is worse".

You will also know it doesn't go well when the OP refuses to answer key questions that give context to their story (what chores does your DS do? In what ways is your DH abusive?)

So to be honest you set up a situation here that eas never going to end well and then became passive aggressive and rude when people responded exactly in ways that you must know they'd respond if you've been here long enough to know about washing being darked on.

You've also not at any point acknowledged posters who have nicely told you you might be being unreasonable, and you've not acknowledged that your DS behaved badly or that really you should have supported your DH.

So - and again I say this in the kindest possible way - on this thread alone we've seen: mollycoddling of your son, refusal to take on board other people's opinions, becoming passive aggressive and rude when you get entirely predictable responses, lack of acknowledgement that you or your son might be in the wrong, deflection from this situation when people suggest you're in the wrong and then leaving when it doesn't go your way..

Of course your DH is in the wrong for incidents that are emotionally abusive. But in this instance his patenting certainly wasn't terrible -possibly not perfect (but then whose is?) but definitely not bad.

Despite the divorce, you and he are still going to need to pull together if you don't want your DS to turn out to be an entitled brat (which to be honest seems like a real risk) and that is going to mean you changing your behaviour and approach as well as your DH. He isn't always the one in the wrong.

Oh come on, . I said ‘come on let’s get you to bed’ gently and then gently said ‘you do that bit while I do this bit’ then chatted with him
"Gently saying 'come on let's get you to bed' to a 13 yo?! That's mollycoddling in the extreme!

For me, putting bed sheets on is an entirely reasonable expectation for a 13 year old. However, this was not the time to instigate that. Very lazy for DH not to have bed ready knowing you guys would be back late and even more so knowing he was coming down with something.

Your way is much better. Sergeant major parenting just ends up with having a crap relationship with them

Also, they “gamed together” all evening is a big no from me. Sounds like a big man baby.

This!!

If the bed had been stripped during the day, then it should have been remade (regardless by whom!) before bedtime. If your husband knew he hadn't remade the bed, then he should have ensured it was done before he and your son started gaming. Perhaps asking your son to help at a more acceptable time of the day, would have got your husband a better response!! Of course your son is capable of helping make his own bed, but if he was 'ordered' rather than spoken to, then he probably didn't feel inclined to help! You obviously spoke to him in a better tone, and he obliged. If someone spoke to me in a crappy way, I wouldn't want to help either! Yes, a 13 year old needs to do as they're asked, but there are ways and means of asking in a nicer way.

OP, sorry you are leaving.

I hope you got some insight/help/clarity on the where the lines lie between DH behaviour and your different parenting styles. If you did, i know it can be difficult to accept. Hopefully, that comes with time and space away from your situation.

But i would make what changes you can now to your own part in this.
Because, with divorce DC behaviour often go through a change. Whether get get quieter, more defiant, more lazy, more challenging, less challenging, - none are good.

Difference in parenting styles are exercebated in abusive situations. So, i hear you, OP.
All the best.

You asked a parenting question, not an abuse support question.

You requested honest views on your parenting choice in a very specific situation. Abuse is serious, of course — but you didn’t mention any of that in your initial posts. People responded to what you actually shared, not what you revealed much later when the responses weren’t going your way.

If the real question was “how do I parent well while living with an abusive partner,” that’s a completely different thread. But that isn’t what you asked — you asked if your DH’s choice in this particular moment was unreasonable.

Trauma doesn’t automatically make someone right in every parenting decision. And it doesn’t mean others are being ‘unkind’ for disagreeing. You asked for views. You got them. Trying to reframe honest disagreement as ‘meanness’ is a way of shutting down the conversation when it isn’t going how you hoped.

I think at 13, he is old enough to help put his bed linen on, and 'I'm too tired' is a bit of a shit excuse not to do it. It would have taken him two minutes if he'd taken up the offer to work together. And if he was really that tired he would surely have just gone to sleep on an unmade bed for once, not just stayed up until he was rescued.

I think major parenting decisions (what school they go to, when are they allowed to drink alcohol etc) need to be agreed by both parents. But for minor stuff, it's fine to have different approaches. Helping with bed sheets is completely minor. You're talking as if he left him outside without a tent or something. He is 13, that's plenty old enough to put some sheets on a bed, irrespective of time of day.

It sounds like you don't like the way he speaks to your son in general, and that's a different issue

I'm talking about the way that you are describing everything. About how gentle you were and how exhausted your son must be, and how he was set up to fail.
That's a lot of drama over Dad not helping (when he did offer) to do something that really isn't hard. You sound like you are talking about a 4 year old child, my 12 year old would laugh at me if treated him like that.

It's a very passive aggressive response from op, firmly putting herself in the victim place in the 'triangle' I see people mention here, (can't remember what it's called!) but seems op firmly has herself as victim, rescuer, DS victim and DH whatever he does (still no examples!) as the aggressor.

I think the relationship between your son and his Dad can’t be that bad if they were enjoying gaming together, you sound over sensitive to your husbands tone of voice.
In this instance you should have backed your husband.

Yeah.. you’re going to struggle when he’s 18 op.

I expect your DH is very reactive to the way you treat him too. You believe he's abusive because of the way he speaks to DS, except you weren't there and DH didn't scream and shout. He went to bed and your DS just stayed up like a lemon instead of even trying to make his bed.

You treat him like a lesser parent and give permission to your son to do the same. I'd probably be quite shouty if everyone in my home treated me like that too.

Because context matters and this incident didn’t happen in a vacuum.

I’m delightful. Also honest. You came here asking if you were being unreasonable. I’m saying ‘yes, very’ and telling you why.

A 13 year old should be capable of putting their own bedding on, mine started doing it themselves from around 10. At 13 i wouldn't expect him to need teaching how to do it, unless he has SEN needs, so yabu imo on this occasion, undermining DH and coddling DS. It sounds like DH asked him to help and only left him to it when he was complaining.

How has he got to 13 though and not ever made his own bed? Ours had to fo their own on residential trips, hence getting them started at 10.

In which case Dad did exactly the right thing walking away and basically you “you made (or not!) your own bed so lie in it”

if he had stayed it would have ended aggressively from both from what you have said. How would that be a better outcome?

Because at present, you have ignored any query as to what you mean by 'abuse' other than he doesn't speak to ds in your softly softly toddler therapy speak.

Both your DH and DS are in the wrong here. If he was 8 I would have just blamed your DH but your son is 13 he is more than capable of putting some bedding on and if he isn’t that shows that you do far too much for him.

I would suggest taking this situation as a learning point and making your son and DH take on more responsibility around the house.

At that age your DS should be making his own breakfast and lunches, tidying his own room, contributing to shared household chores like taking out the bin and hoovering etc.

So you know your DS has a tendency to be defiant towards his dad, and yet you're still not backing up dad when dad reacted calmly and took a "natural consequences" approach, and your DS was unreasonable and defiant with his dad and then manipulative with you?

Nobody (I hope) is excusing episodes of aggression from dad. But this was not one of those episodes.

The only thing that dad (possibly) did wrong here is leaving it until 11pm to sort the bedding. But really that's a minor issue all things considered. (And if they were having fun gaming and he knew your son might be defiant maybe he was wary of stopping the gaming and ending up having a row with your DS rather than having fun)

Moving forwards, if dad is parenting reasonably and non-abusively - even if you don't think he got every detail 100% right - you need to start backing him rather than being so soft on your DS. Your DS is already exploiting this to his own advantage and his dad's disadvantage

I suspect this type of "parenting issue" started way, way back when your son was first born. I suspect you and your husband have different ideas of what parenting actually looks like and as time has gone on, you have railed against each other. You going softer and your husband harder because you cannot come to an agreement.

I think this is evident in the fact that a 13 year old won't stop gaming and go to bed, even though he feels poorly and then uses the excuse that his dad won't make his bed for him. How long had he been in the same room as the unmade bed? Had he not been in his room since his dad stripped the bed and noticed it needed doing? He's a mollycoddled baby who knows how to play his mum and dad to his own advantage. What other chores has he actually been taught and how many does he find an excuse for to not have to do? Clearly he can't hate his dad and his ways that much otherwise he would have used coming down with a virus to go to bed and avoid playing games with him.