Page 2 | AIBU or is DH’s parenting choice here crap

NoisyHeating · 2025-04-27T06:05:34+00:00

NC but long time poster. My washing gets ‘darked on’ sometimes. AIBU or was this not great parenting by DH; DS 13 had been gaming with DH all evening. I am ill so had gone to bed. 11pm I go to loo and DS still up. His bed linen is on the floor. DH in bed. I ask how come he’s not in bed (should be lights out 10.30) and he says ‘dad won’t put my bed sheets on’. I ask DH and he’s basically told DS to help put bed linen on (he’s never had to help with this chore before, DH had stripped the bed earlier then not put the fresh linen back on) and DS has said no, he’s too tired. He is is coming down with the same thing as me and it’s exhausting so I imagine he was a bit whiney. So DH had just left him and gone to bed. So I know a 13 year old is capable of putting bed linen on but AIU to think that insisting on it for the first time at 11pm at night, when he is coming down with a cold, is tired and he’s never had to do it before is a bit daft? And then is it U that he went to bed? Had I not happened to go to the toilet DS might have stayed up all night or fallen asleep on the sofa. Or was DH right to put the boundary in and leave him to it if he wouldn’t help. Context is they are both stubborn and DH has a tendency to talk to DS in a pretty Sergeant Major tone which does tend to result in defiance. In the end I did it with DS together. AIBU to think that DH’s parenting was a bit off here and could have resulted in a very tired moody teen today? Setting him up to fail again?

LucyMonth · 27/04/2025 10:26

DelphineFox · 27/04/2025 10:21

Other people have labelled it abusive too. I'm not sure what the point of you posting is if someone posts about their dh being aggressive and abusive and your reply is "I don't believe you unless you prove it." Do you ask people to prove everything they write on mumsnet?

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I understand what @DeathStare is saying here.

OP has picked this specific incident to ask AIBU and then eventually goes on the claim verbal/emotional abuse…so is this incident an example of what the OP deems emotional abuse?

If it is then there is no emotional abuse here. If there are other examples of DH’s parenting which ARE more inline with verbal/emotional abuse why is OP not asking about those incidents? Why pick this completely innocuous one?

It is very common on MN when an AIBU vote isn’t going the OPs way for a sudden drip feed of much more serious issues to appear. Sometimes that’s genuine and I’m sure sometimes it isn’t. Thinking everyone is lying all the time is not a good way to live your life but trusting anonymous strangers every word is also not ideal. So examples can be useful.

Rewis · 27/04/2025 10:26

ScrewedByFunding · 27/04/2025 08:59

Ha! I do that all the time to DH! Strip the bed, wash and dry and fold it all and then when he gets home, Surprise! We have to make the bed back up. Am I supposed to call him and check it's OK?

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If your husband is cool with it, then go for it. If I was away for a few days and got home and my partner announced that I needed to go make the bed, I would not be happy. Doesn't mean I'd sulk or refuse. Just would not be impressed. If I single handedly decide that today is the day I want to change the sheets and my partner is not home, then I would expect to make the bed myself. I expect the same from my partner. If we've spoken "sheets need to be changed, I'll strip it during the day," then doing it together is a fair expectation 🤷🏼‍♀️

vivainsomnia · 27/04/2025 10:25

No no reason except he was really tired
But not too tired to help you later...

Stop babying your teenager, you are doing him no favour. Mums like you are the same mum who insist they baby boy can't possibly take on a few hours work a week after sixteen, can't walk to school because it's more than 10 mins, can't cook themselves a simple meal at 18 etc...

His dad asked him to help and he said no, so your husband did the right thing and left him to it. Your 13 years old would have survived the night with no sheet on the bed. It was a good lesson and you totally undermined it by intervening and ironically proving your husband point that your son was indeed well enough to help his parent with putting it on.

BusyMum47 · 27/04/2025 10:24

Too tired & ill to sort his own bed out but not too tired & ill to be gaming until 11pm? And not be able to at least have a go at doing the sheets etc once he'd been left to his own devices? That's lame for a 13yr old.

I completely get why your husband was annoyed at his refusal but then he was also a bit childish to have stropped off to bed. He should have had the sheets battle much earlier in the evening.

DelphineFox · 27/04/2025 10:21

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 27/04/2025 10:12

OP refused to give any concrete examples though.

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Other people have labelled it abusive too. I'm not sure what the point of you posting is if someone posts about their dh being aggressive and abusive and your reply is "I don't believe you unless you prove it." Do you ask people to prove everything they write on mumsnet?

DeathStare · 27/04/2025 10:18

DelphineFox · 27/04/2025 10:04

His abuse has been mentioned multiple times over many of op's posts.

I guess my DH has form for being verbally aggressive and getting into disproportionate rages

parent has form for being regularly aggressive.

I’m living with a DH who can be very explosive and aggressive

I’ve had to take a strong stand against what DH himself has admitted is verbal and emotional abuse

in the context of his aggressive outbursts.

I’m trying to make sure our DC don’t feel on their own with it all (the verbal abuse and aggression) and know it’s not ok.

He’s admitted it’s abusive in the past and promised to work on it.

His behaviour has been witnessed by someone else who called it abusive if that helps?

The aggressive/abusive outbursts are red flags a

He is abusive. His behaviour has been witnessed and labelled abusive. He’s admitted it himself in the past (gone back on that now I’m divorcing him). The people in my life that I’ve spoken to openly have named it abusive.

. The abuse brings out defiance and aggression. He mirrors his dad’s behaviours at these times.

. Through talking more with friends, counsellor and seeing the same pattern happen with DC I realise my DH is verbally and emotionally abusive. Whilst I’m living with him (with his increase in verbal abuse

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None of these are examples. They are opinions.

Someone could repeatedly say that someone is always rude, but without an example there is no way of knowing whether they are actually rude or whether the other person is overly sensitive.

Same applies here. The OP hasn't provided any examples. If she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to. But if she's been around mumsnet a while she must know that repeatedly providing an opinion of someone else's behaviour and expecting others to side with you without providing examples isn't going to go well.

One person's 'aggression' can be another person's 'putting boundaries in place'

Lavenderflower · 27/04/2025 10:17

This discussion presents a complex situation that may be challenging for the original poster to navigate. The issues raised include a child’s reluctance to make their bed, compliance challenges with the child, and ongoing marital disputes that indicate unhealthy relationship dynamics. Upon analysing the situation, it appears that the marital discord may be impacting the child’s upbringing.

The original poster appears to be in an abusive relationship and has expressed concern regarding certain behaviours. However, it is reasonable to expect a thirteen-year-old to take responsibility for tasks such as changing their bed sheets.

While it is acknowledged that the father could have approached the situation with greater organization, the son did decline his father's assistance. Furthermore, the original poster has indicated a need to adopt a gentler approach due to the father's harshness. While I understand the dynamics of being the "good cop" versus the "bad cop" in parenting, it is important to recognize that parenting driven by guilt may not yield positive outcomes for the child in the long term.

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 10:15

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 27/04/2025 10:12

OP refused to give any concrete examples though.

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Exactly. At present it's been aggressive to sk him to help make his own bed rather than 'gently saying 'come on let's get you to bed. And gently let's do this together'...

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 27/04/2025 10:12

DelphineFox · 27/04/2025 10:04

His abuse has been mentioned multiple times over many of op's posts.

I guess my DH has form for being verbally aggressive and getting into disproportionate rages

parent has form for being regularly aggressive.

I’m living with a DH who can be very explosive and aggressive

I’ve had to take a strong stand against what DH himself has admitted is verbal and emotional abuse

in the context of his aggressive outbursts.

I’m trying to make sure our DC don’t feel on their own with it all (the verbal abuse and aggression) and know it’s not ok.

He’s admitted it’s abusive in the past and promised to work on it.

His behaviour has been witnessed by someone else who called it abusive if that helps?

The aggressive/abusive outbursts are red flags a

He is abusive. His behaviour has been witnessed and labelled abusive. He’s admitted it himself in the past (gone back on that now I’m divorcing him). The people in my life that I’ve spoken to openly have named it abusive.

. The abuse brings out defiance and aggression. He mirrors his dad’s behaviours at these times.

. Through talking more with friends, counsellor and seeing the same pattern happen with DC I realise my DH is verbally and emotionally abusive. Whilst I’m living with him (with his increase in verbal abuse

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OP refused to give any concrete examples though.

KilkennyCats · 27/04/2025 10:08

He can’t have been that ill, if he spent the entire evening gaming?

DelphineFox · 27/04/2025 10:04

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 09:54

@DelphineFox can you link to the post where the OP has given the example of the abuse? Must have missed it!

His abuse has been mentioned multiple times over many of op's posts.

I guess my DH has form for being verbally aggressive and getting into disproportionate rages

parent has form for being regularly aggressive.

I’m living with a DH who can be very explosive and aggressive

I’ve had to take a strong stand against what DH himself has admitted is verbal and emotional abuse

in the context of his aggressive outbursts.

I’m trying to make sure our DC don’t feel on their own with it all (the verbal abuse and aggression) and know it’s not ok.

He’s admitted it’s abusive in the past and promised to work on it.

His behaviour has been witnessed by someone else who called it abusive if that helps?

The aggressive/abusive outbursts are red flags a

He is abusive. His behaviour has been witnessed and labelled abusive. He’s admitted it himself in the past (gone back on that now I’m divorcing him). The people in my life that I’ve spoken to openly have named it abusive.

. The abuse brings out defiance and aggression. He mirrors his dad’s behaviours at these times.

. Through talking more with friends, counsellor and seeing the same pattern happen with DC I realise my DH is verbally and emotionally abusive. Whilst I’m living with him (with his increase in verbal abuse

Enko · 27/04/2025 10:03

I think you should consider what is relevant chores for your 13 year old to be able to do.

Can he use a washing machine?
does he know basic laundry labels?
Cook some basic meals?
Make a sandwich?
Make a cup of tea?
Does.henknow how to vacuum?
Does he support with tidying up?
Does he know table manners?

At 13 he should be starting to support the running of the household. Not saying do it all but certainly able to support and do some. For me making a bed and knowing his bedtime are both something they know before 10.

Lolapusht · 27/04/2025 10:01

NoisyHeating · 27/04/2025 07:12

Thanks for replying. I think it was stubbornness rather than laziness tbh. He can be a bit reactive when DS doesn’t comply with his instructions.

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I’ve got one of these. Barks orders then shouts when they’re not followed. Usually ends up with him walking off muttering/sighing with the thing he was trying to get them to do not done. Rubbish parenting. Seagull parenting in fact…swoops in, makes a lot of noise, upsets everyone then swoops out!

Think it’s pretty easy to see he went to bed because he couldn’t be bothered doing it rather than because it was a teaching moment and 13 is too young to just leave up all night.

LucyMonth · 27/04/2025 10:01

Is it top notch parenting? No.

Is it “I need to take this to Mumsnet” bad…also no. No way.

If you want advice on parenting with a partner who has a very different parenting style to yours whilst you are trying to separate, then ask that question instead of nitpicking over this specific (non) issue. This incident is of absolutely no consequence whatsoever.

runningonberocca · 27/04/2025 09:56

Bloody hell! He’s 13 - he can make his own bed. And if he’s too tired to then he’ll have to sleep in the unmade bed - it won’t kill him.
Not great for him to learn that all he has to do is whine and refuse and his unwell mother will get out of bed to do it for him!

Sirzy · 27/04/2025 09:56

How you treat your kids is how they end up treating you and other people

which is why teaching a Boy that’s it’s ok to not do a reasonable job when asked because a woman will come along and sort it for him isn’t wise!

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 09:54

@DelphineFox can you link to the post where the OP has given the example of the abuse? Must have missed it!

DelphineFox · 27/04/2025 09:49

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 09:28

Oh come on, . I said ‘come on let’s get you to bed’ gently and then gently said ‘you do that bit while I do this bit’ then chatted with him
"Gently saying 'come on let's get you to bed' to a 13 yo?! That's mollycoddling in the extreme!

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Oh yes. Talking nicely to your kids is a terrible idea. Especially one with an aggressive, abusive dad whose parents are divorcing. The dad's method worked so well and will result in a great relationship with his son. 🙄
Funny how my adult dc are lovely people despite me being nice to them and not commanding them aggressively as kids.
How you treat your kids is how they end up treating you and other people

WeAreOnTheRoadToNowhere · 27/04/2025 09:49

YABU for using 'Darked on'
How old are you 🙄

DeathStare · 27/04/2025 09:37

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 27/04/2025 09:33

Not everyone disagreed with her original post. I haven’t read the drip feed and still think the DH was wrong. Asking a teenager at 10pm at night to put on their bed sheets when they never had to do it before and have been allowed to game for 2 or 3 hours is never going to go well.

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At no point did I say everyone disagreed with her. The point I made was about dismissal of opinions that did disagree with her.

Anyone who has been on mumsnet long enough to know about sheets being darked on must also know that if you ask if you've been unreasonable you need to at least consider the opinions of people who say yes you have as well as those that say no you've not

DeathStare · 27/04/2025 09:33

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 27/04/2025 09:21

Also, they “gamed together” all evening is a big no from me. Sounds like a big man baby.

Why izls this even an issue? Dad and son sent Saturday evening doing a hobby they both enjoy and having fun. What's the problem?

If it had been playing football would that have been OK? Chess? Board games? Watching a film?

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 27/04/2025 09:33

DeathStare · 27/04/2025 09:29

@NoisyHeating ... I'm saying this with kindness and I hope it comes across that way.

If you've been a mumsnet poster for a while you must surely know that it doesn't go well when an OP asks if they've been unreasonable and then when the comments seem to go along the lines "yes probably unreasonable " they do a big drip feed of "here's why I'm not unreasonable. Here's why the other person is worse".

You will also know it doesn't go well when the OP refuses to answer key questions that give context to their story (what chores does your DS do? In what ways is your DH abusive?)

So to be honest you set up a situation here that eas never going to end well and then became passive aggressive and rude when people responded exactly in ways that you must know they'd respond if you've been here long enough to know about washing being darked on.

You've also not at any point acknowledged posters who have nicely told you you might be being unreasonable, and you've not acknowledged that your DS behaved badly or that really you should have supported your DH.

So - and again I say this in the kindest possible way - on this thread alone we've seen: mollycoddling of your son, refusal to take on board other people's opinions, becoming passive aggressive and rude when you get entirely predictable responses, lack of acknowledgement that you or your son might be in the wrong, deflection from this situation when people suggest you're in the wrong and then leaving when it doesn't go your way..

Of course your DH is in the wrong for incidents that are emotionally abusive. But in this instance his patenting certainly wasn't terrible -possibly not perfect (but then whose is?) but definitely not bad.

Despite the divorce, you and he are still going to need to pull together if you don't want your DS to turn out to be an entitled brat (which to be honest seems like a real risk) and that is going to mean you changing your behaviour and approach as well as your DH. He isn't always the one in the wrong.

Not everyone disagreed with her original post. I haven’t read the drip feed and still think the DH was wrong. Asking a teenager at 10pm at night to put on their bed sheets when they never had to do it before and have been allowed to game for 2 or 3 hours is never going to go well.

Cherrysoup · 27/04/2025 09:32

Crap of your Dh, I always put new linen on asap because I know leaving it means going upstairs and expecting to be able to get into bed. However, a 13 year old should be able to do it himself, but Dh leaving it-surely ds had seen it needed doing-is very poor of him.

godmum56 · 27/04/2025 09:31

conversation with both of then once DS is feeling better about how alike and annoying they are and are both old enough not to behave like children

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 27/04/2025 09:30

ThankULord · 27/04/2025 08:11

TBH, OP, leaving aside how you feel your husband is aggressive to DS etc.
Just reading your posts alone, I feel you are doing your son a disservice.

From your posts, you are mollycoddling your son, you are undermining your husband and re-enforcing whatever defiance your son has towards your DH. You are helping to set up a very poor dynamic that may very well come back to bite you in the bum.

Coming to your how you feel your DH is towards your son, kindly, OP, You sound very soft..TOO soft, so it has hard to know how 'aggressive' your DH is.

What is clear though, is you both have very different parenting styles and that need working out very soon because DS is already starting teenage years and those years are tough. DH and yourself are going to need esch other.

It will be even tougher if DH has checked out of parenting by then because of this 'DH is baddie' dynamic and leaves it all to you.

I hope you get some insight into how you are contributing to these scenarios.

Your DS is 13. This shouldn't warrant this amount of drama. I can't believe he stayed up because his bed was not made! Please, think on this.

I agree the 13 year old should be helping to make the beds.

But 10.30pm at night is not the time to do it for the first time!!

Also the DH had clearly prioritised putting his own bed sheets on so why not do the son’s at the same time?

DH clearly was happy to sit on his arse “gaming” for 3 hours with the DS and then all of a sudden he’s demanding “you have to put your bed sheets on” at 10pm when the son is tired and never done it before. It’s never going to work is it.

I can’t believe your take on this is to blame the asleep, ill woman (who incidentally succeeded in getting her son to do the sheets, with a different approach!)

The dad sounds a bit of a dick to be honest.