To refer myself to social services

I'm one of those mothers who has a disabled child who has been approved for 8hrs term time and 15hrs for school holidays,we've been looking for a year with no luck and you have all my sympathy, people need to be a bit kinder in their posts imo.
ADHD burnout is not something many will understand unfortunately, you do have people around you but they are all a bit shit and not helpful at all which makes this harder for you.
I don't have an answer unfortunately but I don't think referring yourself to SS is wrong or useless at all, worth a punt.
Also see if your child's school has a family liaison officer who may be able to sign post you to other agencies that may help.

This is confusing. You mention both your mum and MIL living close by. However, if they’re really not able or willing to help, it’s down to you and your dh.
However you really ought to start driving again- it sounds like you have access to a car. It’s not very reasonable to live very rurally but then refuse to drive and it’ll put pressure on those around you to ferry you about. Also your options to get work are far more limited if you won’t drive.

it sounds tough, those toddler years are and with additional needs on top. But really, it’s down to you and your dh to manage home/ children/ earning and you’ll just end up getting resentful and depressed if you’re expecting support from wider family when they’re not able or willing to provide it

i don’t think SS is appropriate at all, they are extremely stretched and although this sounds tough I doubt it would meet any threshold for them taking the kids off your hands

Can’t imagine how desperate you must feel to want to have Social Services in your life willingly. Your husband needs to step up and take some of the load before you blow 🤯 maybe a divvying up of chores / cooking / you each take the kids either Saturday or Sunday to give the other one a break? Are the kids in any active clubs to burn off some energy? Are they supported in their childcare settings? What are yours and your husband’s working situations?

I’d really recommend a Pass Plus course to build your confidence or invest in a car you can drive. Having to rely on other people to get you places just add to the anxiety.

Re meal planning - make a list of 10 meals you like, do 2-3 a week with leftovers days, remind yourself that freezer food is absolutely fine if you need to do it. Would a Hello Fresh type subscription help to take away some of the stress of planning?

Can you talk to your mum calmly about how her behaviour made you feel and how it wasn’t appropriate - or will she likely react badly?

Sending you solidarity because it can be the worst when you feel like nobody is on your team xx

I'm sorry things are so difficult, OP.

I work in a safeguarding role. Social services are not going to fund respite care because your DH is selfish and doesn't give you a break. I'm sorry but it's just not going to happen. However, if you contact them they might offer to signpost you to support for your own emotional wellbeing and groups where you can meet other parents of SEND children. Every local authority is different in terms of their Early Help offer, but ours includes intervention from Family Support Workers who would potentially meet with you and DH to talk about what needs to change and encourage him to step up. They also have volunteer Parent Mentors who would call you weekly so you could offload and get advice, they tend to be parents whose children are adults now so they've been through it and come out the other side. None of this is about giving you a "break" as such, that's really not what Children's Services are for in this scenario. But it might mean you wouldn't feel like you were doing it all alone.

I'd be looking at nursery/ childminder/ babysitter, something to give you this time off for yourself. It of course depends if you can afford it.

SS won't help here. People are begging for respite and they seem to never be able to provide it.

Can you leave the kids with husband sometimes? He sounds an incredibly unhelpful guy.

Go to your GP, get a therapy referral, talk through how you are feeling and see what support there is.
You have a husband problem. Often in an unhappy relationship it can really affect your confidence, anxiety, stress, depression levels. You'd be surprised how much more clear your mind is when you aren't spending so much energy on a man who isn't a good partner for you.
You love your kids, be kind to yourself. I thi j I understand youngest doesn't go to nursery, could this be arranged and would give you the respite you need. Some of the women I know who I think are amazing mothers have recently told me how much they doubt themselves. They don't think they are doing enough, food is good enough, house isn't clean enough, not doing the school work, etc. I have been floored as they seem to have it together, I've admired them. I say this with care, we all think we could do better. But you can tell you love and care for you children. That means a lot. Be kind to yourself.

Is nursery an option? Childminder? They can do pick ups and drop offs. Do you have access to funds?

You need to speak to your DH and layout that you need his help and support and mean it. You can’t refer to SS asking for respite because your DH is crap, parents with profundity disabled children have to fight for that kind of help, it isn’t an alternative childcare provider because your DH is useless fgs.

I’m so sorry OP. Sounds like your village (DH, MIL and mum) aren’t helping you when you need it.

First and foremost, your DH needs to step up. Why are you taking this all on your shoulders?

Speak to your mum and get your DH to speak to MIL to see if they can/are willing to offer some support also.

Don’t beat yourself up - you sound a caring mum. This is not all on you.

You won’t get respite if you have a partner I’m afraid, they ll just tell you he needs to be a father and help!

I’m really sorry but it’s unlikely you’ll meet threshold. There’s no respite anyway. Tell your DH that you’ll walk if you can’t pay for a days child care a week.

You have effectively become entirely reliant on your husband who you despise and say doesn’t offer you any support.,, for all finances and transport

If the youngest is school nursery age send them to nursery!

So youngest doesn’t already attend nursery?

I’m sorry you are struggling at the moment. Your H needs to step up. I’m sure if you told how much you were struggling (to the point of wanting to refer yourself to SS, he would step up.)

Unfortunately you really have to fight tooth & nail for respite from SS, it is so difficult because the resource simply isn’t there and it is typically only available (at least where we are) currently for those with really high needs and who have absolutely no other way of getting a break, it’s a high bar.

You have a husband, he needs to be doing his share. None of this “ah he just fucked off to the man cave”, nope, take the kids to “the man cave”, go out. Walk round the block and sit on the floor for an hour if that’s what you need, but you leave those kids with their dad and leave the house.

Ps my nephew is fine. He’s a grown man now.

You have a DH problem. He’s fucking useless.

Please don’r beat yourself up about the stairs fall. You child is fine and you will learn from it. My SIL and I let my nephew fall when he was a baby. We’re both great parents to our kids, honest. I mean, it wasn’t our best moment in obviously but we didn’t beat ourselves up over it - and neither should you.

You have a DH
you have a mum who is close enough to come to A&E when asked
your MiL lives 5 mins away.

to say you have no village seems disingenuous.

take some refresher driving lessons / buy a car you are prepared to drive.
pay for childcare once a week.

what, realistically, do you want social services to do? You just need a bit of time,

Are you eligible for the free hours for childcare?

Not only would my jaw hit the floor if SS actually became involved on you referring yourself on the grounds you have a useless dh and you need a break, I’d be very disturbed

So much to unpick here here

do you work?

Respite is very hard to come by for kids with very high level needs. No wonder you’re overwhelmed though with so little support. What does your DH contribute to the picture?

1. Get some driving lessons to help you with your confidence to start driving again.
2. Pick one thing at a time to deal with.
3. Social services is a complete red herring. Nothing good can come from contacting them. More scrutiny will lead to increased stress. Respite is not likely.