To refer myself to social services

Funded Respite would certainly not be on the cards agreed. For high level disabled children it can happen if parents are highly proactive and dependent on area. For all children open to social care disabilities teams in the area I work in (East Anglia) options for respite (funded by the family -idea being using the DLA) can be signposted also.

I have a physical disability, no parents, no family nearby, exDH lives 20 minutes by car and no longer drives, ex in-laws aren’t in the same country. DC has asd and ocd. I’ve had contact with both early help and social services, there is very little support out there, if your children are fed, going to school, and your house is reasonable (believe me their threshold for inhabitable is shockingly low), then they don’t offer anything and have no concerns. I’m really sorry though as I know just how mentally exhausting it is, especially with little support from those that should be supporting you and your DC.

I know you’re struggling but with kindness children’s services role is to safeguard and support the most vulnerable children. It’s not there to offer respite because someone has a partner who won’t parent his own children or support his partner. This is therefore a relationship issue and you’re looking for answers in the wrong place in thinking children’s services can help.

You have a huge DH problem.
You wouldn’t feel this way if he was supportive.

I assume you don’t work which is why he feels like he doesn’t need to be a parent.

Firstly, remember this is only short term.
Once the toddler is in nursery/school things will get way easier.

I would suggest leaving DH but I assume he’s financially supporting you and as you can’t drive right now, it would be harder to leave.

What are your finances like?
Could you put the toddler in nursery, hire a babysitter or cleaner etc?

I would also start putting the kids to bed and taking a cup of tea and sitting in the car for 30mins with an audiobook.
Not only will it give you some time on your own but you need to start associating the car with your calm and happy place.

In a few weeks you could start turning on the engine for a couple of minutes and then eventually driving it forward and reversing it back into the same spot.
When you feel more comfortable then take it down the road and back.
If you go in the evenings with no kids then it will be quiet and less stressful.

My car is my escapism.
Just knowing that you have that bit of freedom does wonders for your anxiety.
You don’t need to rush it though because you have all the stress and anxiety from life too, so for now just use the car as somewhere to sit for peace.

Don’t do too much at once.
Create a timetable of cleaning - eg Mondays clean the kitchen. Tuesdays clean the front room. Wednesdays bedroom etc
Have tasks that you do every day like washing the dishes.
I find having it written down really helps me.

The food is fine for now but if you want to start eating better then one day a week, perhaps Sundays have a roast or something healthier.

Prioritise your sons birthday and sort that out today.
Then tomorrow is a new week sbd a fresh start so write out your weekly timetable and schedule in your 30min evening breaks.

@Neuroticmillenial I am sorry I do not have time to read all the replies but have you considered speaking with the mental health team instead of social services? If they feel YOU need social services support they have Meantal Health social workers who can work with you. But I was thinking really an Occupational Therapist in the Mental Health team could really help you, I have severe OCD, tried so much and an Occupational therapist saved me (along with other support), everyone I have met was also genuinely lovely. What any professional will say in your situation is what is your husband doing? He sounds useless, are you happy with him? Without the stress and resentment of him being around and not helping, making you feel worse you may find your life not necessarily magically easier but more peaceful.
Wish you the best of luck

I mentioned Occupational Therapist as you mentioned intrusive thoughts around driving, they could definitely help you with that, they helped me with similar things.

Is there any other respite you can organise?
A free playgroup where you can meet friends?
Can you ask DH to take kids out for a walk around a large lake every Saturday for the morning and lunch?
Would your mother come and batch cook with you one afternoon - for practical fun?
Can you set up the yard safely so kids can go there for 20 minutes by themselves?

Have a day off on weekends and a couple of evenings a week to do what you need while your husband sorts the kids and whatever else.
Write this as a weekly schedule, your husband does it, or you leave him.
And stick to it.
He also gets a day on the weekend and a couple of evenings to do what he likes. Fairest way.
SS are not there to give a mother a break because a father won't do anything for his family.

Im.luckier than most I do get respite including two overnights a month but my teen is severely disabled, and we have only been getting overnight for about a year ,this is a child in a special school for children with severe and profound learning disabilities
What respite is available is usually reserved for those with the highest needs

But that's not going to.happen ,they are extremely limited in what they can offer and they certainly won't be funding a cleaner
Having a severely disabled child myself it took me years to get a decent package of respite and this is only because he has extremely complex needs

Unfortunately, I think the reality does not meet your expectations - I realise you would like these services to be available but they just aren't. Social Work will not act in any situation unless someone high up in Social Work gives approval and it is a long long process to get there and there will strong pressure put on anyone left alive in the house to go on pretending to cope. Offering respite is now viewed as a last resort for families in extreme crisis and even then you will need to say a lot of prayers and hope the universe is in a good mood

I think you’re being very judgemental.
Having children with different needs as well as juggling ADHD is very hard.
Social services should be offering support . OP is entitled to a carers assessment to support her ie respite , employ cleaner etc If she’s ill and becomes unable to support what will happen to her family.
OP is there a carers resource near you that could advice you.
Are you a single parent OP ? Could your H help parent his children ?

Op I really feel for you. You could have parents and partner with you but sometimes it doesn't make a difference because they are completely useless. I would stick the toddler in nursery even if half a day or a day, get your husband to pay and unwind. Go for a coffee, go and sit in a park when it's sunny, do some window shopping. You will feel so much better over the weeks and will have energy for the kids and the housework. Look after yourself first and foremost. Eat well, drink water and take supplements if you need to and have a day to yourself at least a week.

The kind of respite for disabled children that used to exist has gradually been reduced and reduced over the years. When my severely disabled son was a child (20 years ago) we could still get small amounts of respite -though even then it a fight to get it and definitely not the norm. I still work with familes with severely disabled children and eve the small crumbs we had have mostly been swept away

This was my exact thinking. You're in a partnership but he isn't. You're left juggling everything when your team mate who is supposed to be pulling half the weight just decides to wash his hands of things he doesn't feel like doing. Often being in that type of relationship is more lonely and frustrating than actually being alone.

I think you need to sit down with him and lay it out that he has to start stepping up or he can decide what contact arrangements he wants.

If he was working with you then there's no reason why he couldn't go out for a morning and let you have some time to yourself. You say he disappears off to his man cave - how many hours does he spend doing things like that for himself in the week while you hold the fort and how many do you get while he holds Fort? No wonder why you're burnt out.

Get a grip OP, this is what being a parent is. Your Husband needs to step up and you need to realise this isn't a need for respite.

And put the dc in nursery or childminder

Family therapy with dh.
There are two adults here.
Dh needs to step up..

Social Work will not do anything , they struggle to offer any services to families that most people would assess as having a very high level of need. Even if you met their criteria, the most likely outcome would be a small budget to buy in services - however these services are very few and far between and very very over subscribed. Books and films really do oversell the idea that there is a wonderful featherpadded net waiting to catch us all

@NeuroticmillenialI do sympathise OP but your thinking that SS would give respite to a married mother who simply “needs a break” is breathtaking. Gently, there’s disabled lone parents like myself with children with ASD/Downs & other more severe SEN or disabilities etc who have spent years begging & begging for respite, even just one day a month and are still waiting and hoping. Just to put it into perspective for you. Unfortunately Tory cuts have skinned the funding for these services, down to the very bone; So much so that it often barely even exists at all in some areas. I know of an elderly couple in their 70s who have temporary care of their 2 great grandchildren with Downs and whom desperately need a break but even they can’t get funding for one day a month. They’ve resorted to hiring a nanny one weekend a month out of their own money.
Would hired help be an option? I obviously have no clue of your financial circumstances.

Believe it or not though, I do sympathise. Given my own situation, I know only too well what burn out feels like, regardless of who should or shouldn’t be helping!

This^
however unless things are more dire than you’ve mentioned it’s really hard to get respite. Our council now reserves this for significant physical disability or for children with SEND who are on the edge of care.

Your DH needs to step up. Why are you allowing him to slack off to his man cave?? Send the kids in there and let him care for them while you cook/plan/breathe!

Put the toddler in nursery one day a week?

Early Help may well be the place to start. Or school nursing. Ideally you would find a charity the supports families of autistic children because not all agencies understand the specific challenges.
(I hope your h gives himself a boot up the behind)

It doesn't work that way in most LA,s respite is very limited and usually offered only to those with the most complex needs
I know loads of families who have children with autism and it's only those whose children are severely impacted that are offered respite and even then it can take years.

So you need to learn your lesson. You can’t rely on him.

I suspect your mental health would improve if ye was gone. No good partner would behave this way.

And unless I am mistaken she would then have to declare that she’d had involvement from social services for the duration of her children’s life?