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AIBU?

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Original poster

To give her this stuff for free

140 replies

Capnbagn · 26/04/2025 17:17

DH and I are in the middle of a debate about this. A young mum recently moved to our area, I won’t go into the details of her situation but she is widowed, been forced to move up here because of danger and has 4 children under 5. I met her through the church playgroup I take my grandchildren to, but I used to be a social worker so I feel a lot of empathy for her situation. She is from this area originally but has no family left here and she seems very stranded if I’m honest.

DH and I are down sizing, so a lot of furniture and stuff has to go. This woman has been in temporary accommodation and just offered a council house, she has nothing to even start furnishing it but obviously the homelessness team and her health visitor are directing her towards resources for things like white goods. Anyway the things I know for sure we don’t need in our new home are
-Dining Table & Chairs (good condition but nothing fancy just from ikea)
-2 Ikea extendable beds (bought for the grandchildren hardly used)
-2 Wardrobes, Chest of Drawers, 2 bedside tables and a dressing table from our room, they are only a little over a year old but the new house has built ins and I want something different anyway. They were just from Argos so again nothing fancy!
-Table and Chairs for the garden, it’s a sturdy metal set we bought a few years ago, needs repainted but otherwise in good condition
-Play Kitchen, our youngest grandchildren are now 4 and due to start school so won’t be around as much to use it, nowhere for it in the new house anyway.

I want to offer her this stuff for free, we don’t need the money, selling it on marketplace seems like a ballache and all she would need to do is pay for a van to pick it all up.

One of my friends has also offered 2 large chest of drawers and 2 further wardrobes, a sofa and an arm chair (basically brand new but they are white and she is too scared her grandkids will destroy them!) and a bunk bed. She said she’d want some money for all this but would be happy with £300 or so, which the woman has accepted and is over the moon with. I know she’s still stressed about getting the rest she needs though.

Obviously she doesn’t have to accept anything I offer her but I feel like it would be a nice thing to do.

DH thinks I’m crazy and if I want to offer I should ask for some money in return even if it’s just £150/200 as it’s a lot of stuff, all in amazing condition.

Im more inclined to think that the £200 would do very little for us in our situation but potentially a lot for this mum, therefore I don’t feel right asking for that.

AIBU wanting to give her all this for free? DH thinks it will create an expectation that we will give her money but I really don’t think it will and she is nothing but lovely, never asked for money or anything.

OP posts:
peachie82 · 26/04/2025 19:46

Dartmoorcheffy · 26/04/2025 17:35

That would be a lovely thing to do.

When I moved to Devon I was homeless, due to DV. Stayed in a Travelodge for a month and then was very lucky to get private rented accommodation with help from the council.

The house was completely unfurnished without any white goods.

Someone was offering a free washing machine on fb. I asked and he dad he would deliver.

When he came he saw that I literally had nothing. (Didn't even have more than one change of clothes as exh had destroyed them all after attacking me).

An hour later this lovely man came back with a little 3 pc suite, a fridge, a tv, a kettle, a box of plates, pans, cutlery etc., bedding and towels, a blow up mattress and 4 bags of food from lidl. Just basics like pasta, beans, soups etc.

I was so so grateful as I didn't have a penny and I will never forget that man's kindness. It restored my faith in people, and made the start of my new life in Devon so much less stressful

This nearly made me cry. What a lovely man. I hope things are better for you now.

Moominstar · 26/04/2025 19:22

Hi op after having a difficult time recently with a couple of friendships someone who lives far away sent me a beautiful large gift. It was such a moving moment and something i needed and this act has shifted things for me if that makes sense for the better. It was the thought and kindness behind it that has mattered so much rather than the value. When I next have the opportunity to make someone feel special and give to them I will take the opportunity. If you can give things you no longer need and this will help someone that is such a lovely thing to do x

Lookingtomakechanges · 26/04/2025 18:35

You don’t want this stuff and getting rid of it and would be a hassle. Tell her that and ask her to choose what she needs. It’s a good deed that helps you both.

TonTonMacoute · 26/04/2025 18:35

LucyMonth · 26/04/2025 18:27

We always give away furniture for free, regardless of the recipients circumstances.

They’re doing me a favour taking away stuff I don’t need/want. Hiring a van etc. I can’t be arsed with it.

Maybe suggest if your husband wants money for it he takes charge of listing it all on Facebook and dealing with all the messages and time wasters? Staying home to meet buyers who never turn up. Having people turn up after agreeing a price only to request a much lower price. All for a couple of hundred quid for some Ikea stuff.

This

Its hardly ever worth it

pilates · 26/04/2025 18:32

That is lovely of you op!

LucyMonth · 26/04/2025 18:27

We always give away furniture for free, regardless of the recipients circumstances.

They’re doing me a favour taking away stuff I don’t need/want. Hiring a van etc. I can’t be arsed with it.

Maybe suggest if your husband wants money for it he takes charge of listing it all on Facebook and dealing with all the messages and time wasters? Staying home to meet buyers who never turn up. Having people turn up after agreeing a price only to request a much lower price. All for a couple of hundred quid for some Ikea stuff.

PonyPatter44 · 26/04/2025 18:27

She's doing you a favour, really, because now you don't have to get rid of the stuff, plus someone is really benefiting from it.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 26/04/2025 18:22

I think it is such a lovely thing to do.

Wisterical · 26/04/2025 18:21

So you've got a few bits of cheapo furniture, some garden furniture which needs repainting and a toy you've no space for - she's doing you a favour taking it off your hands!

People give this stuff away for free all the time. Tell your husband that the time and effort he will put into trying to sell it will net way less than minimum wage per hour and the time-wasters will make him wish he'd hired a van and dropped it off, for free, to the woman.

BCBird · 26/04/2025 18:21

I agree with you OP. I would accept money if it was an ordinary sale, but 200 pound is not going yo make you feel great, the free furniture on the other hand will help this lady big time .

NormasArse · 26/04/2025 18:20

Can he explain the part about creating an expectation that you will give her money? It seems a big leap from accepting some unwanted furniture!

TonTonMacoute · 26/04/2025 18:17

It's so difficult to get rid of stuff these days I would give it to her, but you don't want her to feel obliged to take them either.

I would say to her 'Look, we are getting rid of all these bits of furniture,,are there any that you would like or would be useful.'

Then she can choose what she needs

Olaeverybody · 26/04/2025 18:17

Ha! I completely agree, if DH wants to sell it, he can have the bother of doing it! What a lovely thing to do, I’m sure she’ll be over the moon.

Changeissmall · 26/04/2025 18:14

When we separated we had to get rid of a load of stuff. I was happy to give away anything anyone needed. Ex was very keen to make sure he got money for anything. I did sell a few expensive items and it was hard work.

I have a new clutter free house with what I need. He is paying storage for stuff and has a garage full of furniture he doesn’t need. He will never get around to selling it.

Let it go. For free. Or he can sell it himself.

AdoraBell · 26/04/2025 18:13

I would offer to her for free, if your DH wants to sell it then he can do that and deal with selling it.

GreatTheCat · 26/04/2025 18:13

You will get next to nothing on FB market place. Be kind and give her the stuff.

springruns · 26/04/2025 18:13

I’d give her it, what a lovely thing to do. Perhaps you can say pass it forward when you’re in a better position x

BatchCookBabe · 26/04/2025 18:11

Sure why not. Offer it to her. Worst thing that can happen is she will say no.

Ilovelurchers · 26/04/2025 18:10

Most of my furniture is free or really cheap off Facebook Marketplace or gifted from family or friends who didn't need it any more, so it's not that unusual for people to give things like this away. But still a lovely thing to do, and I am sure she will really appreciate it.

I wouldn't worry about the "charity" thing, but if she wants to buy you a gift, or take you for lunch or something to say thank you, accept it graciously (I am sure you would, you sound like a lovely person). If she insists on wanting to pay and you really don't want the money, ask her to make a small donation to the church playgroup?

My current partner would be the same as your husband - so would my ex-husband. Some people just don't like giving things away for free. But unless he paid for the stuff from his own personal account, just tell him this is important to you and hopefully he will understand/accept it.

howsthehair · 26/04/2025 18:08

I think it’s kind too but also the alternative is that you have to get rid of it all yourself and that will either take hours of time or cash to pay someone to remove it

Goinggold · 26/04/2025 18:08

On my local pages people rally to help people like this. Either offer or don't, whatever suits you best. There's not really anything to debate, is there?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 26/04/2025 18:08

I think that would be a lovely thing to do , and your DH may not be aware of this but you'd be unlikely to get a couple of hundred quid for the furniture second-hand, anyway. Second hand furniture goes for nothing, because most of it is only designed to last 10 or 20 years.

Eldermillennialmum · 26/04/2025 18:06

I don't think there's a right and wrong just do what works for you both. If it was all bought with joint money then it's fair to make the decision together but then again if you didn't give it to her what would you do?

My DH has sometimes said similar about things I've given away but I'd bought them with my own money so it was my decision. I was also aware of the time it would incur to put these things up for sale and factor that which I know my DH wouldn't do.

FlippyKiYayFlippyFlipper · 26/04/2025 18:06

A widowed mum of 4 under 5 and your DH doesn’t want to help her out by giving her stuff you no longer need? What’s wrong with him?

Of course YANBU OP. He is.

TunipTheVegimal24 · 26/04/2025 18:06

FWIW too, I have a friend who is currently clearing out their parents house. Lots of nice stuff. Even giving it away has proven difficult, with people wanting them to also deliver for free... measure things up... People who don't turn up, or turn up late. Or just things where no-one is interested. I think your husband would be surprised with how little you'd make and what a lot of effort it would be.

I don't think you can sell to the woman, because you can't offer someone you know, to pay you for random stuff you want to get rid of - if she has money, she can chose what she wants, that's to her taste etc, from charity shops for example. The delivery would likely be easier then too for her.

If your husband insists on trying to get money for it, I'd make him put it all up on marketplace and deal with all the enquiries himself. He can also be the one to arrange to take it to the skip, once it's become clear he can't shift it.

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