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AIBU?

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Original poster

To give her this stuff for free

140 replies

Capnbagn · 26/04/2025 17:17

DH and I are in the middle of a debate about this. A young mum recently moved to our area, I won’t go into the details of her situation but she is widowed, been forced to move up here because of danger and has 4 children under 5. I met her through the church playgroup I take my grandchildren to, but I used to be a social worker so I feel a lot of empathy for her situation. She is from this area originally but has no family left here and she seems very stranded if I’m honest.

DH and I are down sizing, so a lot of furniture and stuff has to go. This woman has been in temporary accommodation and just offered a council house, she has nothing to even start furnishing it but obviously the homelessness team and her health visitor are directing her towards resources for things like white goods. Anyway the things I know for sure we don’t need in our new home are
-Dining Table & Chairs (good condition but nothing fancy just from ikea)
-2 Ikea extendable beds (bought for the grandchildren hardly used)
-2 Wardrobes, Chest of Drawers, 2 bedside tables and a dressing table from our room, they are only a little over a year old but the new house has built ins and I want something different anyway. They were just from Argos so again nothing fancy!
-Table and Chairs for the garden, it’s a sturdy metal set we bought a few years ago, needs repainted but otherwise in good condition
-Play Kitchen, our youngest grandchildren are now 4 and due to start school so won’t be around as much to use it, nowhere for it in the new house anyway.

I want to offer her this stuff for free, we don’t need the money, selling it on marketplace seems like a ballache and all she would need to do is pay for a van to pick it all up.

One of my friends has also offered 2 large chest of drawers and 2 further wardrobes, a sofa and an arm chair (basically brand new but they are white and she is too scared her grandkids will destroy them!) and a bunk bed. She said she’d want some money for all this but would be happy with £300 or so, which the woman has accepted and is over the moon with. I know she’s still stressed about getting the rest she needs though.

Obviously she doesn’t have to accept anything I offer her but I feel like it would be a nice thing to do.

DH thinks I’m crazy and if I want to offer I should ask for some money in return even if it’s just £150/200 as it’s a lot of stuff, all in amazing condition.

Im more inclined to think that the £200 would do very little for us in our situation but potentially a lot for this mum, therefore I don’t feel right asking for that.

AIBU wanting to give her all this for free? DH thinks it will create an expectation that we will give her money but I really don’t think it will and she is nothing but lovely, never asked for money or anything.

OP posts:
Fuzziduck · 27/04/2025 20:56

It’s nice to be nice.

anon666 · 27/04/2025 20:55

Yes, do it.

I gave away a perfectly functioning sewing machine to a lady in a women's refuge centre who was trying to start herself up.

I could have sold it, but the money would just have sunk into my bank account.

Whereas this way it got to do something genuinely good woth the money. A no brainer.

Tryonemoretime · 27/04/2025 20:55

When my father moved into his nursing home, he gave away the entire contents of his flat to some people at our church who were struggling. He didn't need the money and was happy to spread a bit of joy around. Someone once said that it's better to give than to receive - and it's true. He was so happy to have helped those less fortunate than himself and we were all very proud of him.

Mymothersfavouritegirl · 27/04/2025 20:46

Being altruistic is such a wonderful quality to have. Go for it, it sets an example that hopefully the recipient will pay forward if someone else is in need as well as showing her children that someone cared enough to gift to them.
Well done.

AlertCat · 27/04/2025 20:12

YourSnugHazelTraybake · 26/04/2025 17:22

I'm sort of with your dh. Not that i think it'll give her expectations, but it might feel less like charity and paying a 'small' ( in relation to what she'd be getting) amount might be good for her self esteem.

I find that saying “if you want to offer something make a donation to a [maybe specific] charity” fills this role. I’ve done it myself when I’ve been the recipient of other people’s kindness. It leaves it open to the person knowing what they can afford, and not having to feel obligated. And it feeds into the paying-it-forward mindset, which I think is a lovely way to foster community.

slamdunk66 · 27/04/2025 20:08

I would do it. We basically gave all our great quality baby stuff away (only used for 1 child) including cot, car seats, 2 prams, toys etc to a women’s shelter.
we also gave loads of furniture away for free to other local families. We were relocating and I didn’t want the hassle of selling.

Powderblue1 · 27/04/2025 20:01

I think that’s a lovely thing to do for her

meganorks · 27/04/2025 19:56

Whooowhooohoo · 27/04/2025 19:42

I’ve given stuff in similar situation and she sold it, I felt miffed about that. She didn’t like used things & wanted new, she s actually had the cash!!

While I get what you are saying, I honestly wouldn't have been bothered myself. I rarely seem to be able to sell anything for a decent amount and definitely can't be arsed with the faff.

I once spent sooo may hours washing, ironing, labeling and pricing loads of stuff for a NCT sale. I did at least 2 car journeys with it all. And then I had to return to collect most of it unsold. I priced it fairly I thought (less than their guidelines). But basically I made £40 for at least 2 days work. I think I was most pissed off about ironing stuff - I never iron anything! I thought this would be less faff than selling on Ebay but was just as useless. Since then my thinking has been, if I can give it away, happy days!

Whooowhooohoo · 27/04/2025 19:42

I’ve given stuff in similar situation and she sold it, I felt miffed about that. She didn’t like used things & wanted new, she s actually had the cash!!

JustMeAndTheFish · 27/04/2025 19:41

Capnbagn · 26/04/2025 17:17

DH and I are in the middle of a debate about this. A young mum recently moved to our area, I won’t go into the details of her situation but she is widowed, been forced to move up here because of danger and has 4 children under 5. I met her through the church playgroup I take my grandchildren to, but I used to be a social worker so I feel a lot of empathy for her situation. She is from this area originally but has no family left here and she seems very stranded if I’m honest.

DH and I are down sizing, so a lot of furniture and stuff has to go. This woman has been in temporary accommodation and just offered a council house, she has nothing to even start furnishing it but obviously the homelessness team and her health visitor are directing her towards resources for things like white goods. Anyway the things I know for sure we don’t need in our new home are
-Dining Table & Chairs (good condition but nothing fancy just from ikea)
-2 Ikea extendable beds (bought for the grandchildren hardly used)
-2 Wardrobes, Chest of Drawers, 2 bedside tables and a dressing table from our room, they are only a little over a year old but the new house has built ins and I want something different anyway. They were just from Argos so again nothing fancy!
-Table and Chairs for the garden, it’s a sturdy metal set we bought a few years ago, needs repainted but otherwise in good condition
-Play Kitchen, our youngest grandchildren are now 4 and due to start school so won’t be around as much to use it, nowhere for it in the new house anyway.

I want to offer her this stuff for free, we don’t need the money, selling it on marketplace seems like a ballache and all she would need to do is pay for a van to pick it all up.

One of my friends has also offered 2 large chest of drawers and 2 further wardrobes, a sofa and an arm chair (basically brand new but they are white and she is too scared her grandkids will destroy them!) and a bunk bed. She said she’d want some money for all this but would be happy with £300 or so, which the woman has accepted and is over the moon with. I know she’s still stressed about getting the rest she needs though.

Obviously she doesn’t have to accept anything I offer her but I feel like it would be a nice thing to do.

DH thinks I’m crazy and if I want to offer I should ask for some money in return even if it’s just £150/200 as it’s a lot of stuff, all in amazing condition.

Im more inclined to think that the £200 would do very little for us in our situation but potentially a lot for this mum, therefore I don’t feel right asking for that.

AIBU wanting to give her all this for free? DH thinks it will create an expectation that we will give her money but I really don’t think it will and she is nothing but lovely, never asked for money or anything.

I think that would be very generous, OP, and it sounds like the recipient will be very grateful.
There’s quite often posts on our local district fb page asking for donations for people starting out again and people are so terribly kind.

Anjcat7 · 27/04/2025 19:34

When my parents died we gave all the furniture, TVs and white goods away for free. We had no use for it and my parents would have liked to the idea that they were helping people out who couldn’t afford it.
We also gave lots of our baby stuff, cot, big pram, bedding, clothes to a young woman who had nothing and no support. I think if you can afford it then it’s nice to pass stuff on to those who need it.

meganorks · 27/04/2025 19:31

YANBU. I would do the same. Selling them would be a massive ballache, like you say. I've given lots of stuff away to friends and never had anyone ask for money! If she is paying for a van then she is already having to spend and you won't be out of pocket. I'd leave it at that. Especially as you don't need the money. I agree with your reasoning too. If a couple of hundred quid won't make any difference to you but will be a struggle for her, why do it?

NewsdeskJC · 27/04/2025 19:29

I'm with you.
We are further along in life now and it's great to give a helping hand/hand up to others.
I recently put a toddler Bed on freecycle and took it round to a young single mum who was over the moon as her DD was sharing her bed.
I returned with bedsheets/duvet/covers and some toys that our grandma daughter had grown out of.
The knowledge that you have helped and made then feel welcome in the community is worth more than the few quid you could rustle up by flogging them

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 27/04/2025 19:27

free.

FortyFacedFuckers · 27/04/2025 19:25

I would 100% give her it, like you said a couple of hundred would make very little difference to your like but would have a huge impact on her life

I have done similar in the past and would be really shocked and disappointed in my DP if he suggested I sell it

Bourbonbonbon · 27/04/2025 19:23

I'd do it and I wouldn't be with a man who wouldn't.

SussexLass87 · 27/04/2025 19:23

It sounds like such a wonderful gesture - good for you OP!

croydon15 · 27/04/2025 19:21

Dartmoorcheffy · 26/04/2025 17:35

That would be a lovely thing to do.

When I moved to Devon I was homeless, due to DV. Stayed in a Travelodge for a month and then was very lucky to get private rented accommodation with help from the council.

The house was completely unfurnished without any white goods.

Someone was offering a free washing machine on fb. I asked and he dad he would deliver.

When he came he saw that I literally had nothing. (Didn't even have more than one change of clothes as exh had destroyed them all after attacking me).

An hour later this lovely man came back with a little 3 pc suite, a fridge, a tv, a kettle, a box of plates, pans, cutlery etc., bedding and towels, a blow up mattress and 4 bags of food from lidl. Just basics like pasta, beans, soups etc.

I was so so grateful as I didn't have a penny and I will never forget that man's kindness. It restored my faith in people, and made the start of my new life in Devon so much less stressful

What a lovely story. OP if you can afford it give her the goods, l am sure that she will be extremely grateful, perhaps she can pay for transport now or later.

mumhas1syllable · 27/04/2025 19:21

You are one of earths angels!!!
I was once in your position and donated more or less all of my furniture to a single mum when I was relocating. She was leaving temporary accommodation without anything, no relatives and no help.
a few years later I found myself in the same position as that poor woman and people did the same for me. Furnished my home almost entirely with nothing in return and just love and kindness in their intention. It has completely overwhelmed me and made me believe in the kindness of humans once again. Also - being kind is never wasted and you never know how it will be repaid back to you but I now know, karma is a queen and your kind heart is what we need more of in this world.

JMSA · 27/04/2025 19:20

You’re lovely. Giving it to her for free is the right thing to do if you don’t need the money.
Your husband could learn a thing or two from you!

Horses7 · 27/04/2025 19:16

You hardly get anything for second hand furniture - I’d gift it to her.

JT12 · 27/04/2025 19:03

no - I think it is the right thing to do of you can afford it. Plus it's much easier than advertising, having people round to look at your things, potentially be stuck with items no-one wants and having days waiting in for people who dont turn up. Unless it was a really expensive item I would always give things away for free. I do it all the time and feel good about it. I truly believe you get what you give in life and just knowing that you are helping someone start over will give you more than a small sum of cash you dont need. Give it to her and enjoy her pleasure in receiving and feeling cared for,. possibly for the first time in a long time

MissHollysDolly · 27/04/2025 19:02

It’ll cost her to get the van. What a kind thing to do. X

MeganM3 · 27/04/2025 19:02

Very difficult to sell furniture. You probably wouldn’t get much for it anyway, I think your DH is being unrealistic with the £200.
Really nice of you to offer her the furniture and you can feel good for doing a lovely thing.

Khayker · 27/04/2025 18:57

Capnbagn · 26/04/2025 17:17

DH and I are in the middle of a debate about this. A young mum recently moved to our area, I won’t go into the details of her situation but she is widowed, been forced to move up here because of danger and has 4 children under 5. I met her through the church playgroup I take my grandchildren to, but I used to be a social worker so I feel a lot of empathy for her situation. She is from this area originally but has no family left here and she seems very stranded if I’m honest.

DH and I are down sizing, so a lot of furniture and stuff has to go. This woman has been in temporary accommodation and just offered a council house, she has nothing to even start furnishing it but obviously the homelessness team and her health visitor are directing her towards resources for things like white goods. Anyway the things I know for sure we don’t need in our new home are
-Dining Table & Chairs (good condition but nothing fancy just from ikea)
-2 Ikea extendable beds (bought for the grandchildren hardly used)
-2 Wardrobes, Chest of Drawers, 2 bedside tables and a dressing table from our room, they are only a little over a year old but the new house has built ins and I want something different anyway. They were just from Argos so again nothing fancy!
-Table and Chairs for the garden, it’s a sturdy metal set we bought a few years ago, needs repainted but otherwise in good condition
-Play Kitchen, our youngest grandchildren are now 4 and due to start school so won’t be around as much to use it, nowhere for it in the new house anyway.

I want to offer her this stuff for free, we don’t need the money, selling it on marketplace seems like a ballache and all she would need to do is pay for a van to pick it all up.

One of my friends has also offered 2 large chest of drawers and 2 further wardrobes, a sofa and an arm chair (basically brand new but they are white and she is too scared her grandkids will destroy them!) and a bunk bed. She said she’d want some money for all this but would be happy with £300 or so, which the woman has accepted and is over the moon with. I know she’s still stressed about getting the rest she needs though.

Obviously she doesn’t have to accept anything I offer her but I feel like it would be a nice thing to do.

DH thinks I’m crazy and if I want to offer I should ask for some money in return even if it’s just £150/200 as it’s a lot of stuff, all in amazing condition.

Im more inclined to think that the £200 would do very little for us in our situation but potentially a lot for this mum, therefore I don’t feel right asking for that.

AIBU wanting to give her all this for free? DH thinks it will create an expectation that we will give her money but I really don’t think it will and she is nothing but lovely, never asked for money or anything.

That's a nice thing to do. I always give stuff to people who really need it. Makes me feel good knowing that I can help people. I remember giving a play set to a relative. Didn't say it was a loan or anything, didn't even think about it. Turns out she sold it on without mentioning it fairly quickly for a £100. They keep the money and only had the item a few months before it was sold. That annoyed me as I felt I had been played and other people or charities could have benefited more (They have a pretty good lifestyle, so have money). Now I only give to people I know need it and will use it.

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