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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a bit embarrassed about my glow up?

155 replies

Donttalkaboutit · 26/04/2025 16:21

I know this will sound very silly!
So over the past decade, my thirties, I've been having babies, breastfeeding, sleepless nights etc etc. I've been carrying excess weight and been dressing to hide my shape. My hair was dull and straggly and I just looked tired and (sorry to use the word!) 'Frumpy'.

Anyway, I'm now 40 and I have lost lots of weight, got my hair cut and highlighted and started wearing make up and stylish clothes. I look 100 x better.

Now when I meet people I haven't seen in a while they are shocked and tell me how much different I look, how young I look, how trendy I am and will comment all good things but inside it just makes me think I must have looked a state before!

I do actually think that I'm looking better than I ever did (!) and am just struggling with all of these compliments even though I know I should be really glad of them! I see.myself in the mirror and can't believe it's me and then get all self conscious when people say I look nice. I'm ve4y, very gracious of the compliments and always say thank you but inside I feel a bit silly or something??
Aibu to feel like this or is this normal?

OP posts:
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Undethetree · 09/07/2025 21:51

myplace · 06/07/2025 22:43

It is sad. Remember you can’t change her, you can’t get her to understand or accept how awful she’s been. She just is, like an incredibly irritating pothole in exactly the wrong place. You try and line yourself up to minimise it but occasionally you hit it full on.

Just avoid her. Minimum effort.

I just love this pothole analogy! Will be stealing it.
Yes, it's really sad and yes, she sounds jealous, no, it's not ok and you don't deserve this.
Well done on everything and I agree with the poster above that an honest pushback would not be out of place here.
You sound fab!

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 09/07/2025 17:56

Donttalkaboutit · 08/07/2025 17:27

I also showed her my smart watch and explained that it counts my steps and that I'm trying to get 10k steps each day. She said 'isn't that a bit obsessive? Always checking your watch to see how many steps you've got. Seems excessive'.

I'm sorry lovely but some people just aren't blessed with good loving parents.

I carried issues for decXes over what my mum said to me as a child. The difference between our mum's is that I know that my mum didn't mean it. It was jokingly said, I just didn't know it as a child.
She still thinks it's hilarious that she said if she's had me first she wouldn't have had a second. I'm the second and last child. I tell her now it's not an okay thing to say and she laughs. I don't really smart over it, she finds it amusing because I was a handful and now I've 2 handfuls of my own, but a bit extra 🫣 karma 😉🤷🏼‍♀️
Telling me that she thought I was pretty ugly when I asked her if she thought I was pretty.... That stuck for 40 years until this year.

I know your mum made comments when you wore the maxi dresses and she's doing the same thing now.
She's always going to do it.
You do you. Be comfortable with how you look and own it. If she makes comments in future I'd be inclined to say something along the lines of, "I feel as though I've never been good enough for you. You've always made comments and laughed at me and this is why I have decided that I am not going to be in contact very much with you going forward. You're toxic and I don't deserve any of it."
Something like that.

I wanna see you in your crop top outfit. I bet you look amazing 🤩

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 09/07/2025 17:45

Donttalkaboutit · 06/07/2025 16:29

So a while ago I posted this and today someone tried to bring me down.

The same relative who asked if I was trying to be an influencer saw an opportunity today and it really knocked me.

Since I last posted, I've continued to get fit, lose weight and replace my wardrobe that was full of maxi and midi dresses that basically covered all of my lumps and bumps. I've started following fashion and am wearing clothes I never even considered before. I'm a size 8 and was wearing (and rocking) an outfit that had a kind of crop top that just gives a glimpse of midriff.

My relative said 'oh look and you and your new image! What happened to always wearing your maxidresses like such a sophisticated lady?' (she acted this out as if she was prancing around with her nose in the air). She went on. 'And now you're just so cool aren't you?' Then she acted me out as if I was Sandy from Grease when she got her makeover. This relative thought this was so funny and I just looked at her and changed the subject. I wonder is this why I felt so awkward about my 'glow up' (sorry to those who are offended by the term). Because I was maybe seeing myself through this person's eyes.

Anyway it just happened and my eyes are stinging because it was just so mean and I wish I was invisible.

Jealousy.

cardibach · 08/07/2025 17:31

Mummadeze · 26/04/2025 17:32

Totally get it. I used to be slim and attractive. I put on a lot of weight quite quickly when I went on HRT. Most of the people at my current work only know the bigger me. I recently lost over 5 stone and am back in my old clothes. This feels like me as I was this size most of my adult life. But everyone is acting shocked and commenting all the time at work about my ‘new’ clothes (most of them are my old clothes I can fit into) and how well I look (I was always well, just fatter). I want to be pleased with the complements but they embarrass me and annoy me to be honest. I just keep thinking I am the same as I always was, the weight gain was a temporary thing. But either way I am still the same person.

They aren’t saying you aren’t though. Or that you’re a better person now. Just that you look slimmer. Which you do.

Original poster
Donttalkaboutit · 08/07/2025 17:27

I also showed her my smart watch and explained that it counts my steps and that I'm trying to get 10k steps each day. She said 'isn't that a bit obsessive? Always checking your watch to see how many steps you've got. Seems excessive'.

OP posts:
JMSA · 08/07/2025 15:08

Own it! Good for you 👑

Original poster
Donttalkaboutit · 08/07/2025 14:46

This has been happening to me for as long as I can remember but I thought it was normal and I was just 'touchy'. I think this entire AIBU started because deep down on some level I had internalised what my mother would say, even if I knew it unconsciously. That the transition was ridiculous, silly and that it had not gone unnoticed.

When people post to say it was unkind, a power play, weird; it's validating and baffling at the same time. Like, 'I know!!!' But also 'Really???'

Can someone help me understand exactly what is weird here because I can feel it but can't seem to access the fact that I deserve better. She wouldn't stand for someone mocking her which makes it unbearably frustrating.

OP posts:
JacquesHarlow · 08/07/2025 06:29

I LOVE this thread @Donttalkaboutit and massive congratulations to you.

As for your mother - I still can never understand why someone would want to undermine their offspring for trying to be the best version of themselves. The jealousy, the control games, the weirdness going on here, is just so wrong.

Bunnie007 · 08/07/2025 06:07

I’m so sorry your mum was so unkind. That is definitely not normal behaviour and I would go as low contact as you feel able to. If she starts up the mocking again and you feel like you can say something, just say ‘that’s not very kind’ then if she comes back with it’s just a joke etc you can repeat ‘it’s not kind’ Then if you can leave do so and repeat whenever she is unkind.

Original poster
Donttalkaboutit · 07/07/2025 12:00

Thank you. I still feel like I'm smarting from it. She just thought it was so hilarious and there was no way to react so I just stood there kind of looking at her because it was just so strange. She seemed to be really enjoying it.

OP posts:
ResultsMayVary · 07/07/2025 01:40

I'm not really into hugs but I wish I could give you one.

You could be an influencer - you've obviously got a great and manageable system going and are looking fabulous go you! - so many women would love tips to feel more put together.

Maybe say 'Thank you, what a great idea' interpret every criticism as a jealous compliment.

It sounds like she's never going to be happy but you can be.

Can you ask her genuinely why she wants to tear other people down? This is very much a her problem and not a you problem.

Original poster
Donttalkaboutit · 06/07/2025 22:55

myplace · 06/07/2025 22:43

It is sad. Remember you can’t change her, you can’t get her to understand or accept how awful she’s been. She just is, like an incredibly irritating pothole in exactly the wrong place. You try and line yourself up to minimise it but occasionally you hit it full on.

Just avoid her. Minimum effort.

Thank you.

OP posts:
myplace · 06/07/2025 22:43

It is sad. Remember you can’t change her, you can’t get her to understand or accept how awful she’s been. She just is, like an incredibly irritating pothole in exactly the wrong place. You try and line yourself up to minimise it but occasionally you hit it full on.

Just avoid her. Minimum effort.

Original poster
Donttalkaboutit · 06/07/2025 22:25

I read this a few years ago actually. Thanks for the reminder to look it up again. It's just sad to have a mother like this.

OP posts:
Automaticforthepeople · 06/07/2025 20:44

This sounds like ‘Darvo’ (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) a tactic used to deflect blame and avoid taking responsibility.

I found this book and YouTube channel so helpful in dealing with similar behaviours:

https://www.waterstones.com/book/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents/lindsay-c-gibson/9781626251700

https://m.youtube.com/@LookingBehindtheMirror/featured

Before you continue to YouTube

https://m.youtube.com/@LookingBehindtheMirror/featured

Original poster
Donttalkaboutit · 06/07/2025 20:21

Automaticforthepeople · 06/07/2025 20:15

Yes, really mean and totally unacceptable of her.

She drives me absolutely crazy because she acts like it's my problem if I ever confront her and the conversation goes round and round and I end up getting a tongue lashing then silent treatment. I would confront her if she accepted she was wrong but she thinks it's fine. She is also vehemently against mocking and can't stand other people being mocking but cannot understand how mocking she is. It makes me insane with rage!

OP posts:
Automaticforthepeople · 06/07/2025 20:15

Yes, really mean and totally unacceptable of her.

Original poster
Donttalkaboutit · 06/07/2025 20:10

It's really bad to say what she did isn't it? It's really mean isn't it? I'm not just imagining this?

OP posts:
Purplesy · 06/07/2025 20:07

You poor pet.
Leave it a lot lot lot longer next time.
Not worth it.

Automaticforthepeople · 06/07/2025 20:04

OP, so sorry to hear you experienced this. You did not deserve it. This made me so sad. I bet you look fabulous.

Those comments are a reflection of the person who said them, and not of you in any way. It sounds like jealousy and deep insecurity on her part.

This video really helped me deal with people who belittle others:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3QG5SjOxYXU

Low contact sounds like such a good idea.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3QG5SjOxYXU

Original poster
Donttalkaboutit · 06/07/2025 20:00

Wonderwall23 · 06/07/2025 19:53

OP I'm really sorry. This is definitely a 'her' thing and not a 'you' thing.

Am actually seeing this thread for the first time today and reading through was finding you really inspirational. Don't let this change what you're doing!

Thank you. That's really sweet.

OP posts:
Wonderwall23 · 06/07/2025 19:53

OP I'm really sorry. This is definitely a 'her' thing and not a 'you' thing.

Am actually seeing this thread for the first time today and reading through was finding you really inspirational. Don't let this change what you're doing!

Original poster
Donttalkaboutit · 06/07/2025 19:49

Purplesy · 06/07/2025 19:37

Not a normal motherly response.

A toxic, ugly and vicious one.

You cannot change someone who chooses to respond to you like that, but you can step away from them and protect yourself.

Why would you allow that to go unchallenged?

You deserve better.
Please protect yourself.

Being around that is so bad for you.
Anyone who cannot celebrate with you is best avoided.

We are pretty low contact and I only see her every few months, for this kind of reason. I let it go unchallenged because I thought it was normal for decades.

OP posts:
Original poster
Donttalkaboutit · 06/07/2025 19:48

SleepyLlamaFace · 06/07/2025 19:23

Oh OP. This brings tears to my eyes. This is not a usual or normal response to a daughter's changing appearance. Your mum is horrible. Please don't let it bring you down, enjoy the self care and enjoyment you have carved out for yourself, you sound fabulous ❤️

Show quote history

Thank you. It stung my eyes too. On and on it went. Normally I kind of laugh along but this time I just looked at her. I felt my eyes stinging for some time afterwards. I just didn't see the point other than to make me feel stupid.

OP posts:
Purplesy · 06/07/2025 19:37

Not a normal motherly response.

A toxic, ugly and vicious one.

You cannot change someone who chooses to respond to you like that, but you can step away from them and protect yourself.

Why would you allow that to go unchallenged?

You deserve better.
Please protect yourself.

Being around that is so bad for you.
Anyone who cannot celebrate with you is best avoided.