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Original poster

Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

386 replies

ScarlettRunner · 26/04/2025 14:01

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

OP posts:
AllYouGottaDoIsJustMeetMeAtTheApt · 26/04/2025 16:36

BankHolidayBonanza · 26/04/2025 16:31

go to the gym, and compare the workout of people just getting on with it

and people "working out" to post it on social media. It's pretty obvious which is which.

I wasn't there, but the fact that she's posting her "workouts" on social media trying to get followers is quite telling.

Show quote history

That sounds very much like victim blaming.

Bellsize · 26/04/2025 16:35

BankHolidayBonanza · 26/04/2025 16:31

go to the gym, and compare the workout of people just getting on with it

and people "working out" to post it on social media. It's pretty obvious which is which.

I wasn't there, but the fact that she's posting her "workouts" on social media trying to get followers is quite telling.

Show quote history

Telling of what exactly?

Hoppinggreen · 26/04/2025 16:35

Its not a big deal, women have no sense of humour these days, it wasn't that bad, I've had worse, women need to learn to stand up for themselves, should have just told him to get lost
The same sort of shite that MIL came out with to defend her partner when he sexually assaulted a member of the family

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 26/04/2025 16:35

‘woman concerned was a "known pain in the arse"?

Singularly inappropriate given the context!

AllYouGottaDoIsJustMeetMeAtTheApt · 26/04/2025 16:34

ScarlettRunner · 26/04/2025 15:50

Just to address a couple of the replies (including the charming request to STFU-such anger!) - I am not defending him at all. I have stated he should not have said it. I was just interested on some other views as the non MN ones I’ve heard all think the gym over-reacted.

You are defending him by saying he said it to the ‘wrong person’.

Arctician · 26/04/2025 16:34

Picture a burly guy, sports attire straining as he squats in preparation for a heavy lift .. do you think he would have had the balls to say .. “whoa I thought you had shit yourself there mate” ? Thought not. At best he’s a ‘look at me’ joker who doesn’t know when to stop. At worst, he’s a twat. How would you feel if someone made a disparaging personal comment to you? Your move.

StrawberryDream24 · 26/04/2025 16:32

she has got a stunning figure

I'd imagine she gets plenty of come-ons and is probably a bit sick of it.

And her interpretation of your bf's comment as a come-on is not remotely unreasonable.... because it was a completely unnecessary personal comment specifically about her arse and the material covering it.

I'd guess he didn't tell you about the incident and lied about why he changed gym because he thought you'd think he'd been coming into her/chancing his arm with her. Which tbh may have been.

He's been forced to tell you and spin it as best he can by outside intervention as such.

Thisisittheapocalypse · 26/04/2025 16:32

Annettecurtaintwitcher · 26/04/2025 14:27

Oh men and their little jokes. Why would anyone minding their own business at a gym be bothered by an unsolicited comment like this. Twat. Hopefully he will learn to keep his stupid comments to himself but probably not.

Agree

Typical 'nice' guy, eh? Not so nice about women, really....

He also showed me a message to him from one of the staff who basically said the woman who complained is a known pain in the arse and she wouldn’t have let it go if he wasn’t banned. The message said the staff found the comment funny as it was clearly a joke…

That doesn't make it any better, in fact, imo it makes it worse. A pretty crappy culture in there thinking that's okay to say to women, especially women you don't know and/or like.

BankHolidayBonanza · 26/04/2025 16:31

PerfectlyNormalOwlFreeMorning · 26/04/2025 16:28

What the fuck have I just read?

Show quote history

go to the gym, and compare the workout of people just getting on with it

and people "working out" to post it on social media. It's pretty obvious which is which.

I wasn't there, but the fact that she's posting her "workouts" on social media trying to get followers is quite telling.

Blinky21 · 26/04/2025 16:31

I don't think it's neccassirily an offensive comment, it sounds misjudged, if this is a one off I wouldn't worry about it

OpenCrackle · 26/04/2025 16:29

And please don’t take your friends in real life saying the ban was too harsh, as reflective of their own true feelings. I would bet a good number of them deep down feel like he has been sleazy as well.

PerfectlyNormalOwlFreeMorning · 26/04/2025 16:28

UnemployedNotRetired · 26/04/2025 16:23

For those complaining about people (men) staring at her bum, what do you think she's posting on social media for people to watch? Look up scrunch bum leggings if you're not familiar with current gym wear.

Still, that kind of comment is going to get you banned at gyms and there may be nothing more that's happened.

What the fuck have I just read?

OpenCrackle · 26/04/2025 16:27

UnemployedNotRetired · 26/04/2025 16:23

For those complaining about people (men) staring at her bum, what do you think she's posting on social media for people to watch? Look up scrunch bum leggings if you're not familiar with current gym wear.

Still, that kind of comment is going to get you banned at gyms and there may be nothing more that's happened.

Whatever she does on social media, it does not justify a man in real life coming up to her and making a sleazy comment. Stop with the victim-blaming.

these kinds of comments can be extremely unsettling for women. That includes cat-calling and wolf-whistling too. The sooner men realise this the better. It is just another attempt at power-play and it’s gross.

Noodlehen · 26/04/2025 16:26

So your fella goes to the gym to harass good looking women?

that is so embarrassing for you.

also really seems like you’re not bothered by his behaviour, calling him laddish and jokey. It’s not a joke and let’s not pretend like being laddish causes you to disrespect women like that.

OpenCrackle · 26/04/2025 16:25

ScarlettRunner · 26/04/2025 15:29

He can be laddy/jokey so I can imagine he’s just said something to the wrong person. I don’t think he should have said it at all though.

It wasn’t said to a larger lady, he’s shown me the persons instagram page and she is usually filming her workouts etc, and she has got a stunning figure.

Show quote history

He can be laddy/jokey so I can imagine he’s just said something to the wrong person

‘Laddy’ behaviour is such a turn off. I bet he ‘jokes’ with his friends to the extent he is highly offensive, but hides it under the excuse of ‘banter’ too. I can see him being a sleaze at clubs to women.

This kind of man is exceptionally unattractive to me and I would be running a mile. OP, you can still get out.

AngeloMysterioso · 26/04/2025 16:24

No the gym did not overreact. Men like him are the reason women don’t go/stop going to the gym. Even purely from a a business standpoint, it makes more sense to ban one gross bloke than lose the custom of every woman he makes a sleazy “joke” comment to.

UnemployedNotRetired · 26/04/2025 16:23

For those complaining about people (men) staring at her bum, what do you think she's posting on social media for people to watch? Look up scrunch bum leggings if you're not familiar with current gym wear.

Still, that kind of comment is going to get you banned at gyms and there may be nothing more that's happened.

Bellsize · 26/04/2025 16:23

Cornoffthecob · 26/04/2025 16:05

I was also a teenager in the 70’s and I know times have changed regarding whats acceptable and whats not. My point is too many women have jumped on the bandwagon and take everything as an insult or sexually motivated comment. I didn't say I agreed with what OP’s boyfriend said, he should have kept that to himself but as I read it he passed by this gym goer and made a stupid comment. If he had been hanging over the top of her harrassing her or even if this had been one in a long line of comments he made to her then she had every right to complain about him. Lots of posters on here making this a lot more seedy and sexually motivated than more than likely intended.

Show quote history

His intention isnt relevant here.

Its the impact on the recipent that is relevant and fortunately carries legal protection. And his words and actions are deemed as sexual harassment. Whats your number of comments that cross the line for this to qualify as sexual harassment then - if it isnt one? Do you apply this to other crimes?

Would it be 'jumping on a bandwagon" and acceptable to you to refer to someone as a pki or a ngger - if their intention was 'as a joke'? Would you have any consideration for the upset and distress caused to the recipient?

OpenCrackle · 26/04/2025 16:21

It’s a hugely personal comment, indicating that he was staring at her bum. He sounds gross. Most decent men know not to say this stuff for goodness’ sake.

lifeonmars100 · 26/04/2025 16:19

Doubt he would have said that to a man and therein lies your answer.

PerfectlyNormalOwlFreeMorning · 26/04/2025 16:18

Would he watch a man squat and comment on his arse? Why not?

This is it really.

PerfectlyNormalOwlFreeMorning · 26/04/2025 16:17

Wildegeese · 26/04/2025 16:15

This is a real 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them' moment.
Your boyfriend

A) is clearly hitting on other women when the opportunity arises- I can gaurauntee he's doing it regularly and this just happens to be the first time he hasn't gotten away with it

B) lied to you about it to cover his own arse. For those dismissing the nature of his comment- do you think he would dare say that in fron of the woman's boyfriend, or in front of the OP if she was there to see it? Not bloody likely.

C) is clearly only regretful about what happened because you found out and being banned from the gym is an inconvenience. No remorse whatsoever about the poor woman he made uncomfortable.

You deserve better. How mortifying for you to have a boyfriend who pervs on women to the extent he's been banned from a public space.

I would get rid and in time you'll look back and realize you've dodged a bullet.

Edited

Agree with all of this.

The lying, the lack of remorse. Ughh

Totallytoti · 26/04/2025 16:17

on what planet is it ok for a man to go over and make a comment like that. Clearly a man who has been watching her but and thinking of her pants splitting. Also the type of creep you would avoid everywhere and not just the gym.

StrawberryDream24 · 26/04/2025 16:16

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 26/04/2025 16:11

If he’d been willing to repeat the comment to you, I’d have had faith that it was innocent / misconstrued. The fact that he made up a lie about changing gyms as it was busy, rather than telling you about the ridiculous injustice of being kicked out, suggests that he knows the comment he made wasn’t appropriate. I think the issue isn’t if it was a membership-cancelling kind of comment: it’s more about if it was a comment appropriate for a man (and one a in relationship) to be making to a stranger who is quietly getting on with her gym session. He knows it was a bit letchy. That’s why he lied.

Yup.