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Original poster

Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

386 replies

ScarlettRunner · 26/04/2025 14:01

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 28/04/2025 12:21

Private1980 · 28/04/2025 11:49

I'm going be really honest if I was in the gym and a bloke said this to me I would 100% laugh it of would definitely not be offered and would probably agree with him but I'm old school there's nothing wrong with an innocent joke or comment. You can all come at me but this world has gone so sensitive in 5 years time you won't be able sneeze without making a social media apology. Me personally if my hubby had said this and he'd got banned I'd be going in and speaking with both her and the gym 🙄

Show quote history

People like you are apologists. I would hope the gym and the woman would treat you with the contempt you would deserve if you pulled a stunt like that.

ilovesooty · 28/04/2025 12:18

ambercabs · 28/04/2025 09:38

‘Women need to…’

’the gym needs to…’

Maybe it’s men that ‘need to’ change their behaviour?

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They're not going to unless inappropriate behaviour by them is challenged and it has consequences. Apologists like @ScarlettRunner and several other posters on this thread simply perpetuate it and their attitude is despicable.

Bellsize · 28/04/2025 12:12

Private1980 · 28/04/2025 11:49

I'm going be really honest if I was in the gym and a bloke said this to me I would 100% laugh it of would definitely not be offered and would probably agree with him but I'm old school there's nothing wrong with an innocent joke or comment. You can all come at me but this world has gone so sensitive in 5 years time you won't be able sneeze without making a social media apology. Me personally if my hubby had said this and he'd got banned I'd be going in and speaking with both her and the gym 🙄

Show quote history

Me personally if my hubby had said this and he'd got banned I'd be going in and speaking with both her and the gym

Grim.

Bellsize · 28/04/2025 12:11

We dont know she laughed it off - we only have the words of a proven liar.

Her reaction whatever it was is irrelevent - his actions as the perpetrator (leering and commenting) are relevant and illegal and he could be charged with sexual harrasment under the Equalities Act 2010.

Different people react in different ways to threat - fight, flight, freeze, fawn or flop - in order to keep themselves safe. Her mind and body was triggered to fawn in this instance.

Private1980 · 28/04/2025 11:56

Also he might have been worried that you would take it wrong that's why he didn't saying anything. I'm far from nieve but I'd have my hubby back until proven diffrent

Private1980 · 28/04/2025 11:49

ScarlettRunner · 26/04/2025 14:01

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

I'm going be really honest if I was in the gym and a bloke said this to me I would 100% laugh it of would definitely not be offered and would probably agree with him but I'm old school there's nothing wrong with an innocent joke or comment. You can all come at me but this world has gone so sensitive in 5 years time you won't be able sneeze without making a social media apology. Me personally if my hubby had said this and he'd got banned I'd be going in and speaking with both her and the gym 🙄

TiredMummma · 28/04/2025 10:28

The flag is the lying? Which suggests in future he also won’t communicate things he thinks you won’t like. He sounds immature and a lot of effort, the comment isn’t funny and I’d be worried he engaged in this sort of ‘banter’ with his mates and doesn’t think about the sexist stereotypes. The fact the woman is stunning is even worse

ambercabs · 28/04/2025 09:38

Welshmonster · 27/04/2025 15:18

Women need to challenge the behaviour and not laugh it off as it makes men think it’s ok.

The gym needs to stop her filming in the gym as its other peoples personal space.

the fact that she would harass the gym unless he was banned means they need to also look at her membership.

‘Women need to…’

’the gym needs to…’

Maybe it’s men that ‘need to’ change their behaviour?

Tbrh · 28/04/2025 09:32

The fact he didn't say anything to OP says it all really. The comment is even more creepy given it was a subtle one, he obviously thought he'd get away with it

Fmlgirl · 28/04/2025 09:10

Nah, I’ve been a gym goer for 20 years and inappropriate men are one of the biggest issues there that make women uncomfortable. They did the right thing by kicking him out.

Tbrh · 28/04/2025 07:38

BankHolidayBonanza · 26/04/2025 14:30

It's inappropriate but being kicked out of the gym sounds like a massive over-reaction!

Is that honestly all he did? That would be my main worry, that there's more to the story.

I guess he's implying he's watching her arse, which is quite creepy. I commend the gym for kicking him out as they do have strict rules. What's point if people can be creepy and then continue to be there? Who says he wasn't warned before. Can't help but think a guy like this, it won't be the first time he's made an "innocent comment"

Plumnora · 28/04/2025 07:34

olympicsrock · 26/04/2025 14:05

I think they overreacted… She was clearly offended though so he misjudged it.
If he is a decent guy and this was a one off - an apology and warning might have been better.

Really?! He made an inappropriate, unsolicited comment to someone - I'm assuming someone he doesn't know well- and they rightly complained. He's a creep. We need to move on from this narrative that women are "overreacting " when men overstep boundaries.

PinkArt · 27/04/2025 19:35

welshmercury · 27/04/2025 19:20

So the cycle continues where women laugh it off. When does it stop? This is what fuels the incel culture as men think they are laughing either at them or with them. She could probably kick his ass if he tried to touch her.

They were in the gym, not a dark alley.

nobody talks to each other anymore

Show quote history

When (some, not all, but enough) men stop being entitled cunts and people stop blaming women for their poor behavior. That's when.
You could help improve things by not blaming women for men being incels.

welshmercury · 27/04/2025 19:20

PinkArt · 27/04/2025 15:36

Women need to keep doing what keeps them safe from men who are a potential threat. If that is laughing in the moment and reporting the behavior after then they is exactly the right thing to do.

The OP hasn't mentioned the woman filming in the gym at all, just that she films her workouts, location unknown. If she is though and if the gym isn't happy with that then that is a completely separate issue for the gym to deal with than the sexual harassment.

We have no idea, again, that the victim would 'harass' the gym. We just know, from the questionable gym employee that she wouldn't let it go. Which she is right to do, having made a complaint. She is the victim in this situation and if the gym isn't seen to be acting to keep women safe there then they are failing their clients.

What made you take such a victim blaming response though? Poor little chap couldn't help making offensive comments because the nasty lady was flaunting herself on camera and laughed at his rank comment.

Show quote history

So the cycle continues where women laugh it off. When does it stop? This is what fuels the incel culture as men think they are laughing either at them or with them. She could probably kick his ass if he tried to touch her.

They were in the gym, not a dark alley.

nobody talks to each other anymore

Bellsize · 27/04/2025 18:58

FarmGirl78 · 27/04/2025 12:21

So ultimately he's embarrassed he's been caught out by you and had to confess to being a dick, but doesn't actually think what he did was actually dickish? He doesn't see it was an issue? He's sorry he got caught, not sorry for what he did.

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This is concerning. No humility or wanting to apologise or learn - just poor ickle me with my jokes.

outerspacepotato · 27/04/2025 18:26

Filming her workout could mean she had solid evidence that the bf was sexually harassing her. So maybe it was a good thing that she was filming.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 27/04/2025 18:19

CarpetKnees · 27/04/2025 17:30

Absolutely this.

Has that occurred to you @ScarlettRunner ?

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I suspect ScarlettRunner has done a scarlett runner from the thread.

CarpetKnees · 27/04/2025 17:30

ilovesooty · 27/04/2025 12:12

If the OP doesn't report that message she's colluding with the behaviour he's been banned for and I'll judge the fuck out of that.

Show quote history

Absolutely this.

Has that occurred to you @ScarlettRunner ?

QueefQueen80s · 27/04/2025 16:54

Why was he staring in the first place, nevermind commenting. I don’t look at anyone in the gym beyond a glance

PinkArt · 27/04/2025 15:36

Welshmonster · 27/04/2025 15:18

Women need to challenge the behaviour and not laugh it off as it makes men think it’s ok.

The gym needs to stop her filming in the gym as its other peoples personal space.

the fact that she would harass the gym unless he was banned means they need to also look at her membership.

Women need to keep doing what keeps them safe from men who are a potential threat. If that is laughing in the moment and reporting the behavior after then they is exactly the right thing to do.

The OP hasn't mentioned the woman filming in the gym at all, just that she films her workouts, location unknown. If she is though and if the gym isn't happy with that then that is a completely separate issue for the gym to deal with than the sexual harassment.

We have no idea, again, that the victim would 'harass' the gym. We just know, from the questionable gym employee that she wouldn't let it go. Which she is right to do, having made a complaint. She is the victim in this situation and if the gym isn't seen to be acting to keep women safe there then they are failing their clients.

What made you take such a victim blaming response though? Poor little chap couldn't help making offensive comments because the nasty lady was flaunting herself on camera and laughed at his rank comment.

Welshmonster · 27/04/2025 15:18

Women need to challenge the behaviour and not laugh it off as it makes men think it’s ok.

The gym needs to stop her filming in the gym as its other peoples personal space.

the fact that she would harass the gym unless he was banned means they need to also look at her membership.

NoTouch · 27/04/2025 15:17

ScarlettRunner · 26/04/2025 17:48

He says he wouldn’t want to go back given how he was treated, so it’s best for all involved he has moved on.

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He was treated appropriately. It is not the gyms job to teach adult men not to approach and be "laddish" around women who are working out and did not ask for their bodies to be commented on by a stranger. If he does not agree, he is not genuinely remorseful as he still does not understand the impact creepy behaviour like that has on women.

A less confident women who couldn't stand up for herself might have been put off going back to the gym.

Time he grew up and took responsibility for his behaviour. Has he considered, accepting the ban is entirely his fault, he has been treated fairly and attempting to genuinely apologise to her, perhaps through a letter via the gym? Not to get back into the gym, but to show her he now understands how she might have felt, why she complained and why he was banned.

Pherian · 27/04/2025 14:58

ilovesooty · 27/04/2025 12:15

I can't believe I just read that.

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It’s because my phone autocorrected and what I meant to say is keep himself to himself. It comes out with some weird stuff.

Please however feel free to be offended :)

PinkArt · 27/04/2025 13:50

Cornoffthecob · 27/04/2025 11:28

Yeh it does happen but works both ways. Heard really vile and disturbing comments coming from women as well so not just men that do it. There are people on here calling this woman a victim. It’s human nature to look at others and as someone said earlier the rule in the gym is you don't look or talk to anyone is just ridiculous. There will be plenty relationships come about in the gym. It’s something both parties have in common. OP’s boyfriend made a stupid comment and obviously offended her by insinuating she had a big arse and if he didn't know before will realise now that it was wrong and inappropriate and wont be tolerated and has been banned for his behaviour. It doesnt make him a predator or sex pest.

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People are calling her a victim because she is a victim, of sexual harassment. Your embarrassing whataboutery doesn't change that. If a man was the victim of sexually inappropriate comments by a woman while he was trying to work out, he would be a victim too.
No-one is saying not to look at other people, or speak to them. What people are saying is don't look at the bum of a strange woman and make a comment about her leggings splitting. Men seem to manage not to make creepy and inappropriate comments to other men so I'm sure if they try really hard then they can manage to treat women like humans too.

sandrafarringdon66 · 27/04/2025 13:50

If making unwanted misoginistic comments to other women and lying to you are not red flags I don't know what constitutes red flags for you. If someone in the gym made that sort of comment I too would complaint.

signed: another "difficult" woman.