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Original poster

Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

386 replies

ScarlettRunner · 26/04/2025 14:01

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

OP posts:
Pedallleur · 26/04/2025 15:11

Maybe there is/has been a laddish culture and the gym is making a definite stance on stopping it. Good for them if so

real13 · 26/04/2025 15:10

Sounds like the gym were really over the top with this.

Yes, you’d rather your partner didn’t make comments like this, but it could be worse.

I’d be embarrassed, but I’d let it go.

Phoebepeeby · 26/04/2025 15:08

Hopefully other men will learn from this. It’s not ok, not even once.

2024onwardsandup · 26/04/2025 15:08

BankHolidayBonanza · 26/04/2025 15:02

Urgh puts me off joining a gym even more so now!

if I was put off using a gym, it's would be because of women to be honest. I've never been faced with any issue with men, maybe a one-off stupid interaction once or twice which are total non-issue. On the other hand, the nasty looks, whispering and blatantly nasty attitude of SOME weird women is horrendous.
I don't care, but I imagine if I was lacking confidence and self-conscious, it would put me right off.

I am not denying harassment exists, just that I have been lucky enough to avoid it. The stupid comment and bad joke here is not harassment.

He was commenting on her body in a sexually suggestive and pervy way. What exactly would you consider harassment if this is not it?

Clearinguptheclutter · 26/04/2025 15:07

It was an inappropriate comment

assuming that there isn’t more to the story, the gym overreacted and should have given him a warning. Any chance he had previously had a warning and he blew his last chance?

if he was genuinely remorseful and recognized it wasn’t on what he said I’d let it slide but I’d be more worried about the fact that he lied

2024onwardsandup · 26/04/2025 15:06

olympicsrock · 26/04/2025 14:05

I think they overreacted… She was clearly offended though so he misjudged it.
If he is a decent guy and this was a one off - an apology and warning might have been better.

Totes - women shouod just accept that when they’re exercising they are just asking for men to comment on their bodies and make sexually suggestive pervy comments to them. Just a bit of banter am I right!

im sure that if a man had said the exact same
thing to the boyfriend he would have totally taken it in good humor

Addictforanex · 26/04/2025 15:05

Why did he lie then if he believes he was the hard done by one? Why not tell you that he made a misjudged “joke” to a woman at the gym who is known by the staff as a nightmare and they asked him to leave the gym even though they didn’t feel it was warranted, because she would have kicked up a stink otherwise?

Why? Maybe because he is minimizing what he did and victim blaming? Staff at the gym sound just as bad as him.

Hoppinggreen · 26/04/2025 15:05

ScarlettRunner · 26/04/2025 14:38

Yeah I did question him and when I got home he was able to show me the email the manager sent him which explained the reasoning and quoted what he said word for word.

He also showed me a message to
him from one of the staff who basically said the woman who complained is a known pain in the arse and she wouldn’t have let it go if he wasn’t banned. The message said the staff found the comment funny as it was clearly a joke…

Show quote history

So what do you think?
Do you think what he said wasn't a big deal and the woman concerned was a "known pain in the arse"?

ByPearlSnail · 26/04/2025 15:05

I bet the fact he got banned and not just a warning means it wasn’t the first time something like this has happened. Sorry OP he is gross.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/04/2025 15:04

sunshineandshowers40 · 26/04/2025 14:34

It was an inappropriate comment but I am surprised the gym cancelled his membership over this- do you think this was the first complaint?

This. One comment = an over-reaction (to me), I would have given a stern warning unless it happened again. I think he may be minimising what actually happened for one. And for two, he still lied to you - what else is he lying about? He sounds a misogynistic dick tbh, but you know him, does his explanation ring true? If I was him I’d be mortified though at what I said/did rather than annoyed at the gym - is he…?

BankHolidayBonanza · 26/04/2025 15:02

Urgh puts me off joining a gym even more so now!

if I was put off using a gym, it's would be because of women to be honest. I've never been faced with any issue with men, maybe a one-off stupid interaction once or twice which are total non-issue. On the other hand, the nasty looks, whispering and blatantly nasty attitude of SOME weird women is horrendous.
I don't care, but I imagine if I was lacking confidence and self-conscious, it would put me right off.

I am not denying harassment exists, just that I have been lucky enough to avoid it. The stupid comment and bad joke here is not harassment.

mummymeister · 26/04/2025 15:02

for me its not the comment, the getting banned from the gym or anything else. its the lying. you cant trust him to tell you the truth. what else has he lied about and what else WILL he lie about in the future.

i cant stand liars. they are untrustworthy.

Dozer · 26/04/2025 15:01

Staff member(s) badmouthing the woman who complained are part of the problem too.

surreygirl1987 · 26/04/2025 15:00

TheShadowOfTheWizard · 26/04/2025 14:58

You've said everything I feel in such a clear way. He was basically telling her he was looking at her arse. I don't think the gym overreacted. Having the reputation of being a lech or inappropriate would not go away and would likely be information that traveled from one lady to the next.

Show quote history

Exactly.

PluckyBamboo · 26/04/2025 14:59

You're DH has no business ogling someone's arse in the gym and making a comment is obviously an instant ban as he comes across as a sleaze. I'm actually surprised he hasn't been banned from all the gyms in the area as our local ones share that information when a potential sex pest is identified.

surreygirl1987 · 26/04/2025 14:59

MyUmberSeal · 26/04/2025 14:50

Total over reaction on the part of the gym.
Your BF has been an idiot, he shouldn’t have said it, but it’s not a tragedy.

Edited to add, it does look like leggings could give way when women squat. They are stretched to within an inch of their lives. Difference it, I’d think it, wouldn’t say it.

Edited

I disagree. I think it's brilliant the gym is taking this seriously. Would the man have said this to a large man...?

I'd not like it if a man (or anyone) said that to me. Especially not when I was at my heaviest, post-baby - it would have felt like a Jab at my weight, like he was calling me fat. Also, I don't really want some random man watching my backside while I exercise in the gym and them commenting on it to me, thank you very much. Anyone who doesn't realise that is part of the problem. The sooner men learn they can't speak to women like that, the better. Sounds like the gym behaved extremely appropriately and intends to retain its customers by taking steps to prevent men from hassling women 👏

TheShadowOfTheWizard · 26/04/2025 14:58

EasyTouch · 26/04/2025 14:20

Anybody clued up knows that any behaviour suggestive of leering is not on, especially when a woman is just going about her business.
Unfortunately, your boyfriend was on the lech spectrum, key words being "woman", "squats".
The missing key words are "watching her bum encased in lycra whilst she was doing squats an exercise commonly used to increase/tone the glutes.
He's an idiot, at best.
How did he think his comment to a stranger would be interpreted ?
And how was him being banned become an overreaction?
He was either sexually harrassing or negging a paying customer of the gym.
If he, your friend and yourself are to stupid to see that, open your own gym where unsolicited opinions and come ons can fly free.

You've said everything I feel in such a clear way. He was basically telling her he was looking at her arse. I don't think the gym overreacted. Having the reputation of being a lech or inappropriate would not go away and would likely be information that traveled from one lady to the next.

Hastentoadd · 26/04/2025 14:58

ScarlettRunner · 26/04/2025 14:01

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

It was a bit of a silly comment and he shouldn’t have said it but I think the gym overreacted ……unless of course the woman was very overweight and that the comment was a slight on her appearance

Still it was a misplaced comment and bad judgement on his part

HomeTheatreSystem · 26/04/2025 14:58

Would he have said the same to a bloke? No. There's your answer.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/04/2025 14:57

And if that message from the gym is genuine then that staff member deserves to be fired.

ArtTheClown · 26/04/2025 14:57

If he was banned, I'd suspect he's massively underplaying the actual events to you.

MissMoneyFairy · 26/04/2025 14:56

It wasn't funny, the staff saying she's a pita aren't funny and the gym manager not investigating it, allowing staff to humiliate clients, is pathetic, if I were her I would find another gym to go to. If the staff found it funny then that negative attitude filters down to the clients. He has just been made a scapegoat and an example of.

surreygirl1987 · 26/04/2025 14:54

BankHolidayBonanza · 26/04/2025 14:30

It's inappropriate but being kicked out of the gym sounds like a massive over-reaction!

Is that honestly all he did? That would be my main worry, that there's more to the story.

Yes. I'm surprised they banned him but impressed by the gym.

But now I'm wondering if if wasn't the first complaint they've had about him...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 26/04/2025 14:54

I think you know some of what was said, OP. Not all of it. He made a comment that caused offense - such offense that there was no apology that could make up for it.

Gyms don't routinely and lightly cancel memberships, they know that cancelled members go to other gyms, their competitors.

I think there was something else. The friend said it was 'harsh' because what could she say having blurted out something that you didn't know? That your boyfriend deserved it? Some people spout platitudes. Some boyfriends lie. I think yours is lying.

thatsalad · 26/04/2025 14:53

That's disgusting and he deserved to get banned. And honestly the staff is gross too for telling him they found it funny, because it's so hilarious to bother women who are trying to exist in peace and comment on their appearance. Ha. Ha. Twats.