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Original poster

Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

386 replies

ScarlettRunner · 26/04/2025 14:01

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

OP posts:
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sandrafarringdon66 · 09/05/2025 06:54

rwalker · 30/04/2025 10:00

I’ve heard women make far worse comments about men’s shorts

whilst if she complained then obviously an issue but to ban him seems ott

everyone going down the sexual route
but if she was larger and self conscious that why she could be so offended

Do you go around your local gym making comments to the fat people telling them their clothes are "about to break"?

If that's the case you're a weirdo that needs to be banned.

Munkyfuzzable · 03/05/2025 18:59

StrawberryDream24 · 26/04/2025 18:42

I am satisfied from his explanations he meant no offence and it was clumsy at best

Yes, he is clumsy at coming onto other women.

Do you really think it's a coincidence that he was banned for making comments to the "amazing body" influencer, but apparently not anyone else.

Edited

Exactly! And he just so happened to find her Social Media account 🤔 where he proceeded to highlight her body as some sort of mitigation for his comment! Just because a woman has a fantastic figure, doesn’t mean they’re fair game.

Munkyfuzzable · 03/05/2025 18:48

bevm72yellow · 26/04/2025 17:44

A stupid comment to make. Her word against his word. He should email the gym and explain he wants to give a written apology for what was said. And explain no offence was intended. There is a difference between a one off inappropriate comment and harassment. He can politely challenge the gym for cancelling his membership as a reaction to his words. He is hiding the cancellation due to embarrassment. Moving to another gym is acceptable but he has to differentiate between serial harrasser and inappropriate words to defend himself.

Harassment doesn’t have to occur on multiple occasions to be harassment. His comment let her know he’s been watching her, by telling her that, he harassed her. He has no defence and he’s only remorseful because he’s facing the consequences of his own actions. If he were truly sorry, he wouldn’t be badmouthing the gym for reacting appropriately to keep members safe.

Munkyfuzzable · 03/05/2025 18:42

ScarlettRunner · 26/04/2025 17:44

Thanks all, my main issue is him not telling me. This is his first ‘proper’ relationship so I will talk to him about how it’s made me feel and that he should have been open with me.

The comment itself, I am satisfied from his explanations he meant no offence and it was clumsy at best. He certainly won’t be making that sort of remark again that’s for sure and he is genuinely remorseful.

I will obviously keep an eye on things moving forward but there has been no red flags to date and he’s been a total gentleman towards me in general, so fingers crossed things continue.

Is he genuinely remorseful or does he regret saying it because he has had to face the consequences and is feeling sorry for himself? I get the impression that he’s playing the victim, especially with his comments about the gym treating him badly and the ‘pain in arse’ staff comment. He is not the victim here. Ask him why he’s remorseful and if it’s not because he was highly inappropriate and shouldn’t be commenting on women’s bodies, he’s not sorry at all.

NoTouch · 30/04/2025 12:43

rwalker · 30/04/2025 10:00

I’ve heard women make far worse comments about men’s shorts

whilst if she complained then obviously an issue but to ban him seems ott

everyone going down the sexual route
but if she was larger and self conscious that why she could be so offended

I would expect the exact same to happen to a women if she approached a man to make a comment about his shorts.

Totally irrelevant what size she was and whether the comment was or was perceived to be body shaming/sexual harassment/allegedly "innocent" 🤔 observation of her arse.

He cannot expect to approach women he does not know in the gym and make unsolicited and unwanted comments about their arses. If he doesn't already know this as a functioning adult, removing him from the gym was the only option to protect others from his behaviour.

IsItSnowing · 30/04/2025 12:36

Private1980 · 28/04/2025 11:49

I'm going be really honest if I was in the gym and a bloke said this to me I would 100% laugh it of would definitely not be offered and would probably agree with him but I'm old school there's nothing wrong with an innocent joke or comment. You can all come at me but this world has gone so sensitive in 5 years time you won't be able sneeze without making a social media apology. Me personally if my hubby had said this and he'd got banned I'd be going in and speaking with both her and the gym 🙄

Show quote history

Why would you be speaking to her and the gym? Does your DH need you to go in and speak to people for him?

Piglet89 · 30/04/2025 11:56

rwalker · 30/04/2025 10:30

No idea what your on about

Show quote history

Your lack of idea about what I’m on about (and quite a lot else) is abundantly clear.

ambercabs · 30/04/2025 11:48

rwalker · 30/04/2025 10:00

I’ve heard women make far worse comments about men’s shorts

whilst if she complained then obviously an issue but to ban him seems ott

everyone going down the sexual route
but if she was larger and self conscious that why she could be so offended

There is so much wrong with this comment I don’t even know where to start. How embarrassing for you.

rwalker · 30/04/2025 10:30

Piglet89 · 30/04/2025 10:00

Logical fallacy alert.

Show quote history

No idea what your on about

Piglet89 · 30/04/2025 10:00

rwalker · 30/04/2025 10:00

I’ve heard women make far worse comments about men’s shorts

whilst if she complained then obviously an issue but to ban him seems ott

everyone going down the sexual route
but if she was larger and self conscious that why she could be so offended

Logical fallacy alert.

rwalker · 30/04/2025 10:00

I’ve heard women make far worse comments about men’s shorts

whilst if she complained then obviously an issue but to ban him seems ott

everyone going down the sexual route
but if she was larger and self conscious that why she could be so offended

Fmlgirl · 30/04/2025 09:53

This thread is unbelievable. Not only did he comment on her leggings but to say that they were going to split, he must have been watching her working out. How is that not gross?

PinkArt · 29/04/2025 18:12

welshmercury · 29/04/2025 13:56

How will men know if nobody tells them. They clearly think it is ok.

Show quote history

Did you need to be taught that staring at a strangers ass and making a comment about it isn't ok? The ones that do it - they know, they just don't care.

ambercabs · 29/04/2025 15:21

welshmercury · 29/04/2025 13:56

How will men know if nobody tells them. They clearly think it is ok.

Show quote history

How do we know?

How does the gym know?

StrawberryDream24 · 29/04/2025 14:05

welshmercury · 29/04/2025 13:56

How will men know if nobody tells them. They clearly think it is ok.

Show quote history

Most men don't behave like him FFS.

welshmercury · 29/04/2025 13:56

ambercabs · 28/04/2025 09:38

‘Women need to…’

’the gym needs to…’

Maybe it’s men that ‘need to’ change their behaviour?

Show quote history

How will men know if nobody tells them. They clearly think it is ok.

ambercabs · 28/04/2025 17:01

ilovesooty · 28/04/2025 12:18

They're not going to unless inappropriate behaviour by them is challenged and it has consequences. Apologists like @ScarlettRunner and several other posters on this thread simply perpetuate it and their attitude is despicable.

Show quote history

Yes I do know that, but the fact that poster merely focused on what women and the gym need to do, with no mention of what men need to do really irked me. It’s always up to the women, isn’t it?

AMurderofMurderingCrows · 28/04/2025 13:53

'I thought your leggings were gonna split'

That's creepy. I can imagine him saying it and licking his lips like old Steptoe 🤮

I have no problem with having a laugh in the gym but that's not on. Creepy little man.

BoredZelda · 28/04/2025 13:39

BankHolidayBonanza · 26/04/2025 15:02

Urgh puts me off joining a gym even more so now!

if I was put off using a gym, it's would be because of women to be honest. I've never been faced with any issue with men, maybe a one-off stupid interaction once or twice which are total non-issue. On the other hand, the nasty looks, whispering and blatantly nasty attitude of SOME weird women is horrendous.
I don't care, but I imagine if I was lacking confidence and self-conscious, it would put me right off.

I am not denying harassment exists, just that I have been lucky enough to avoid it. The stupid comment and bad joke here is not harassment.

I have never experienced that from women at the gym. Ever.

PinkArt · 28/04/2025 13:31

CuttedPearPie · 28/04/2025 13:07

It was a sleazy comment.

Having said that presumably the trend for leggings that look like they're being hoiked up your arse crack is because people want their arses to be noticed.

Jeez this thread! So 'she was asking for it, dressed like that'?

BoredZelda · 28/04/2025 13:31

Tricho · 26/04/2025 14:29

Gosh your tone is so unpleasant.

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WTAF?

Bellsize · 28/04/2025 13:19

NoTouch · 28/04/2025 12:57

I am (very) old school too. I was conditioned when younger to think random unsolicited comments on my body by strange men was just how things worked and almost acceptable. They absolutely are not.

I would probably laugh it off too (while thinking what a creep and wishing he would piss off and leave me be).

Thankfully the world has changed, and I like to think that is partly because of some of my generation not accepting behaviour that made them uncomfortable whether that was Page 3 models on workplace walls, mandatory skirt/heel wearing, better maternity leave etc. The momentum of positive change is continuing and also means women are less accepting of creepy behaviour. Men need to stop being creepy.

The younger generation could learn a lot from many old school thinking and values. Accepting creepy behaviour isn't one of them. You need to break free from your early years conditioning.

Show quote history

I agree in the past we were expected to tolerate and brush off wandering hands, groins pushed against us, peeping Toms and the masterbating local flasher.

What we now know is that these 'low level' sexual abuse and assualts can lead to much more serious sexual crimes including femicide.

We need zero tolerance of any level sexual harassment in order to shine a light on predators.

CuttedPearPie · 28/04/2025 13:07

It was a sleazy comment.

Having said that presumably the trend for leggings that look like they're being hoiked up your arse crack is because people want their arses to be noticed.

NoTouch · 28/04/2025 12:57

Private1980 · 28/04/2025 11:49

I'm going be really honest if I was in the gym and a bloke said this to me I would 100% laugh it of would definitely not be offered and would probably agree with him but I'm old school there's nothing wrong with an innocent joke or comment. You can all come at me but this world has gone so sensitive in 5 years time you won't be able sneeze without making a social media apology. Me personally if my hubby had said this and he'd got banned I'd be going in and speaking with both her and the gym 🙄

Show quote history

I am (very) old school too. I was conditioned when younger to think random unsolicited comments on my body by strange men was just how things worked and almost acceptable. They absolutely are not.

I would probably laugh it off too (while thinking what a creep and wishing he would piss off and leave me be).

Thankfully the world has changed, and I like to think that is partly because of some of my generation not accepting behaviour that made them uncomfortable whether that was Page 3 models on workplace walls, mandatory skirt/heel wearing, better maternity leave etc. The momentum of positive change is continuing and also means women are less accepting of creepy behaviour. Men need to stop being creepy.

The younger generation could learn a lot from many old school thinking and values. Accepting creepy behaviour isn't one of them. You need to break free from your early years conditioning.

Emmz1510 · 28/04/2025 12:52

His comment was really sleazy. Just because the woman is stunning, as you say, doesn’t mean she deserves men like your OH looking at her body and commenting on it in that way. She might have her insecurities like anyone else. It could have been interpreted as he was making a comment about her weight or the tightness of her clothing or even just the fact he was clearly looking at her backside!
This is how internalised mysogyny shows itself. Man makes inappropriate comment about woman’s body, woman calls him out, woman gets labelled a bit of a troublemaker and she isn’t to be taken seriously because she often stands up for herself 🙄 how dare she?
Now he is on his high horse about ‘how he was treated’.

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