Blended families - not all they are made out to be?

It’s not an ideal family setup. Abusers and truly evil stepmothers aside most people get into blended family situations with the best intentions and soon find out that the dynamics mostly work against the children and the step parents equally. The best way to blend families is with honesty and an acknowledgment that it is not perfect scenario and everyone is doing the best they can. I always say that the best blended families are those whose original parents are ‘happily’ divorced…. Any resentment or hurt that is held onto by unwilling parties to a divorce whether it be because of affairs or other contentious reasons are more likely to result in unhappy blended families. It is not a situation to be entered into as lightly as some people seem to do.

I totally agree, in the beginning when she 2 I felt lonely and thought I’d like to be with someone but after years of dating when she wasn’t with me I realised I’d hate to move someone in. Now she is mostly with me I really enjoy it. We eat out, listen to music she likes her own space too i don’t want to disrupt that.

I was sort of lucky, I grew up in a blended home. Lived with 'D'F and a step mother who was absolutely bloody horrid so I ended up excluded by them and neglected, their children are their world but family days out, holidays, meal out etc I was left out of and sent to grandmothers or baby sitter ( my own Mum lived thousands of miles away), I was only 8.
My family is a blended one, we each have a child HOWEVER I am both the kids Mum, they are siblings and grew up together, in the same house, with the same rules.
D(S)S is as loved as if I had given birth but he has lived with me since he was 5... now 25 and still here at home.
DH has worked out of the country for 6 months every years for 15 years.
It hasn't always been easy and at times it's been fucking awful, hard work and I have wanted to walk away, but I understood that it isn't the children's fault and when it was awful it was a DH problem ... he got sorted 😂
I couldn't hurt a child the way I was hurt.

i can speak from experience... its awful! if i could go back in time, i would go back to a day in June 2013 and not meet my now DH! the only thing we ever argue about are the children. I have 2 he has 4! thank god we never had a child between us because it would be an even bigger living nightmare.

i do wonder if i had met him sooner, when his kids were younger, i may have had some input into their lives and behaviours, but alas, hindsight is a wonderful thing.

hats off to those families who manage it! you derserve some kind of award!

I read the threads on here about blended families and think, "Why the hell does anyone choose this?"

You could equally say that about having a husband, a wife, in laws, parents, siblings or friends going by threads on here...

This is why I love being single, I don’t want to subject my children to that crap. This is their safe space, their home, their sanctuary, I’m not taking that away from them by moving in someone that someone else has put out.

Social media is just full of the shiny sides of life .

If social media was around when I was a child my father would have been there posing away like Dad of the year with his 4 perfect children - he always made sure the bruises he inflicted were hidden from friends, family and teachers so they wouldn't have been visible there either.

Many families are not what they are what they seem to be because they are hard work - blended or not blended

I definitely would not want one. It’s just my daughter and I and I wouldn’t change it. Her dad got married had another child 3 years younger. When it first happened I thought she would always want to be there but at almost 12 it’s the opposite shes find chaotic and loves the peace of her own home.

Exactly this, I’m sure no one had this in their life plan, just people trying to make the best of things. Yes given experience I think the ideal would of been to have all your children together with one partner but think my family and my children who have experienced blended family found it a positive experience compared to a parent staying single and appreciated the extra half siblings they ended up having. Although I have seen it work very differently when new kids have been favoured etc

One person putting a positive gloss on their family life on Insta doesn't mean that the world at large is a fan of blended families. In my experience far more people knock them than praise them. And not without justification: blended families are undoubtedly hard.

People will always spin their lives positively on social media. I'm not sure why this is still a surprise to people: there are posts here multiple times a day saying "I know her husband is cheating so why does she say how much she loves him?" Well of course. No one with any self-respect would post #he'scheatingon me #soblessed #making memories.

Most of what I see online about blended families is highly negative so I'm not sure what you think they are being "made out to be".

Yes… ‘children are resilient’ repeat after me

I have a blended family and no I wouldn't of chosen this , it's what I have and I make the best of it .

my husband and I have a previous child each and one together.

I grew up in a conventional family and still had a crap childhood . 3 full siblings , two of of which I have no contact with

This is Social media.. you've just commented on.🤦‍♀️

Just take a look on threads on here and on r/stepparents . It’s not a life i would ever choose - although if you’re the child, there is usually no choice.

I don't know what people are posting on social media, but I think most people know that blended families aren't always happy. Traditional families aren't, either, but I think they typically have a better chance of being happy.

It comes down to the people involved. Some will always make the most of their circumstances, while others seem doomed to trouble (often of their own creation), whether they're blending families or not.

I have a step-nephew who is loved and accepted as much as he possibly could be. The only issue for him is that his biological dad is rubbish, which might still hurt him even if another man and his family has stepped in.

I work with teenagers and (anecdotally) the saddest are the ones in blended families. Many confess they hate having to travel between parents houses.

I had a conversation with DH the other week about how if we were to split up, I would want us to buy/rent a small two bed house using family money. The children then stay in the current house and as parents we would move out every other week to give the children stability of at least only one home.

His reply was (imo) typically male asking "but how would we move on with life?" But, whilst it might sound a bit wanky, I truly believe in situations like this, it's a bit selfish to put your own love life ahead of your children's need for stability.

However I do appreciate we are not planning on splitting and not all families could manage this if communication broke down beyond repair. But it does surprise me that so few think of it especially in amicable splits.

I wonder if children were given the choice would they choose to be with their parent and siblings or parent, step parent, siblings and step siblings?

I dont know why there is a need for everyone to be under the same roof - apart from money? Whats wrong with having a live out GF/BF and seeing them when DCs are with other parent.

DC who's original family has broken down will have endurd emotional compromises - IMHO they need extra focus from their parents to rebuild their sense of security, self, connection, emotional safety and stability etc - so this should not be diluted and dissipated by the focus of their parent being on other children.

YANBU, I read the threads on here about blended families and think, "Why the hell does anyone choose this?"

I feel so sad for all the kids whose lives are changed for the worst because their parents can't bear to be to single.

They are usually a shit show and I think people should think carefully before creating them or expecting their child to live in one.

Who says 'blended families' are perfect? I don't think I have ever seen anyone say that. And they're definitely not! Indeed no family is!

I remember Andrea McLean saying on Loose Women once that she hates the term 'blended families' and she says she calls her 'blended family' a 'unique family.' LOL, hardly unique Andrea. A family with children with different fathers/stepsisters and brothers etc, is not 'unique!' A family with a couple who are married, were married when they had their children, and whose children all have the same father, (who is still married to their mother,) now THAT is 'unique!'

It’s BS, they are a nightmare, no enjoyment can be gained from having SC, life is inherently worse with them. I’d rather be alone forever than entertain that hell again

My kids genuinely love their stepdad, they get on well with their stepbrother. I get on with my stepson. Stepson comes to stay every six weeks or so (he's almost an adult so has his own life and lives 150 miles away) and my children get so excited when he comes.

It can, and does work.

I suppose I am in a blended family . I had dd1 and dp had no children when we got together. We have had two more . It generally works well , my ex hasn’t seen dd1 for 21 years, so there isn’t another family involved . But I think we have been very lucky .

They are a nightmare tbh, not because of the children. But the adults.

Both birth and step parents can be equally thoughtless.

I didnt even have a bed in one parent’s house from the age of 9. Makes me laugh when sharing a room is considered child abuse on here.