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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

610 replies

Georgey0 · 26/04/2025 08:32

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

OP posts:
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6
judduelong · 26/04/2025 12:36

Georgey0 · 26/04/2025 12:31

There has been loads of replies so I am yet to read them all but just to answer a couple of things:

  • the playroom. I think I probably confused things when I said play room. It's just what we call it. It is not a separate room, it is literally just a small semi portioned off space between the hall way and the kitchen. It would not work as a bedroom because you cannot access the kitchen without walking through it and it is not big enough to function well as the main lounge. Right now it's just used as a bit of a play area inc for DSC who have a gaming set up there not that it's used much these days.
  • The room downstairs DH is talking about is our actual lounge. Which we use daily. If we made that into a bedroom it would feel like we had no real living room.
  • DSC have always shared with us. They were not moved to make way for a 4th child or anything like that. They used to be fine with sharing and have shared in every house we have had. Our first house only had 2 rooms so they shared the second and our DD shared with us for a while and then we moved here when I was already pregnant with DS and the rooms were set up as they are now.
  • I am not suggesting that DSC are "lucky" to have two houses, but no I don't see why they should get their own room in both ours and their mums house while our DC share a room in their one home. I am open to some ideas but not that one. Dh does actually agree on that too.
  • we have discussed a garden room before but I don't know how comfortable we feel at the idea of them outside alone. DSC15 seems keen on it though so perhaps we can revisit that instead.

They probably don't see why they should have to uproot themselves every 3/4 days. 🤷‍♀️

This will affect them coming to stay, which will affect their relationship with their dad. He will possibly blame you/this situation.

But, 'you don't see why...'

BankHolidayBonanza · 26/04/2025 12:35

notatinydancer · 26/04/2025 12:03

With kids from second family being treated better.

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only if a bitter parent is making them feel that way because they are jealous of the new family of their ex-partner.

Yes, things are DIFFERENT for those living full-time in a house.

Meanwhile, the children have 2 houses, celebrate everything twice - I don't know any family who don't celebrate birthdays, christmas, Easter with their kids so they get 1 celebration with each parent! They get 2 sets of holidays, one with each parent, and so on.

It's so disingenuous to pretend the younger ones are treated better.

Maybe the children would prefer for their parents to still be together, but a toxic environment of 2 adults who don't get on anymore is not ideal. Once the parents have split up, things are different.

It would be very unfair to penalise the younger ones.

judduelong · 26/04/2025 12:32

OlivePeer · 26/04/2025 12:29

I do wonder how many people who support the idea that both places have to/can feel like home are saying that because they wish they had had that as children, or that they are confident that they are providing it as parents, compared with people who have had that experience in reality. On these posts you see a lot of people saying that they didn't have that experience as a child and it was damaging, but very few who say that they did.

A lot of us are step children that felt we were treated unfairly. Blended families are almost never in the interests of the children. This thread proves that.

Original poster
Georgey0 · 26/04/2025 12:31

There has been loads of replies so I am yet to read them all but just to answer a couple of things:

  • the playroom. I think I probably confused things when I said play room. It's just what we call it. It is not a separate room, it is literally just a small semi portioned off space between the hall way and the kitchen. It would not work as a bedroom because you cannot access the kitchen without walking through it and it is not big enough to function well as the main lounge. Right now it's just used as a bit of a play area inc for DSC who have a gaming set up there not that it's used much these days.
  • The room downstairs DH is talking about is our actual lounge. Which we use daily. If we made that into a bedroom it would feel like we had no real living room.
  • DSC have always shared with us. They were not moved to make way for a 4th child or anything like that. They used to be fine with sharing and have shared in every house we have had. Our first house only had 2 rooms so they shared the second and our DD shared with us for a while and then we moved here when I was already pregnant with DS and the rooms were set up as they are now.
  • I am not suggesting that DSC are "lucky" to have two houses, but no I don't see why they should get their own room in both ours and their mums house while our DC share a room in their one home. I am open to some ideas but not that one. Dh does actually agree on that too.
  • we have discussed a garden room before but I don't know how comfortable we feel at the idea of them outside alone. DSC15 seems keen on it though so perhaps we can revisit that instead.
OP posts:
namechangeforthisfredonly · 26/04/2025 12:31

I’m with your DH. You married a man who already had children so you should be prepared for compromise as a result. Teenagers really value their own space. The work will add value to your home.

CellophaneFlower · 26/04/2025 12:30

Dragonsandcats · 26/04/2025 12:21

I think you should give up your second living room to be a bedroom. At this age they should have quiet places where they can study.

Sounds like it would be the main reception room they'd have to give up though and that seems ridiculous, especially since it wouldn't be used most of the time.

Poonu · 26/04/2025 12:30

Why did you marry a man with children if you weren't prepared to treat them the same as your shared children? I feel sorry for them and your DH

OlivePeer · 26/04/2025 12:29

I do wonder how many people who support the idea that both places have to/can feel like home are saying that because they wish they had had that as children, or that they are confident that they are providing it as parents, compared with people who have had that experience in reality. On these posts you see a lot of people saying that they didn't have that experience as a child and it was damaging, but very few who say that they did.

KateDelRick · 26/04/2025 12:28

Why should the DC share a room? The current arrangement is fine. The SC aren't there all the time.

ChuffKnows · 26/04/2025 12:26

Not read the whole thread so sorry if this has already been suggested but could you give the youngest 2 the largest room so plenty of space for toys and opportunity to play together, you have the double, older 2 have the 2 smaller rooms and then change around as necessary when the the older 2 move out?
This should work well timewise as the older one moving out will fit in with the second youngest needing their own space and it could be made a proviso of them getting their own rooms now.

MayaPinion · 26/04/2025 12:25

The easiest and cheapest solution is to convert the downstairs room into a bedroom for the 16 year old. If they’ll be off to uni at 18 you can convert it back into a living room with a sofa bed for when they visit.

Dragonsandcats · 26/04/2025 12:21

I think you should give up your second living room to be a bedroom. At this age they should have quiet places where they can study.

Loubelou71 · 26/04/2025 12:17

I don't think they'll stay much longer. As you said they spend time with friends at weekends more now so it's not that you're being unfair you're being realistic. They have their own rooms at their primary address and if your house has space they could have the luxury of that there. From 16 my niece stopped staying at her dad's and now just meets him for dinner. The ways they will connect will mature so I'd be reluctant to spend money to convert the loft at this stage.

Calliopespa · 26/04/2025 12:15

OlivePeer · 26/04/2025 12:05

I didn't feel second class at all - on the contrary, I got the strong sense that my dad was delighted to have me there and would have loved to have seen me more. His place still didn't feel like home, though. I just really don't understand why this unrealistic idea of feeling like two places are simultaneously home is important.

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Well I’ve had a lot of thanks for those comments so I think some people definitely felt differently. But I’m glad you felt fine about it.

judduelong · 26/04/2025 12:13

latetothefisting · 26/04/2025 11:53

how is it not a positive?
I'm sure if you asked them if they'd rather share a room at their mums as well they'd say no!
Surely having your own room 4 days a week is better than never having your own room?

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You've missed the point spectacularly

Withoutfearorfavour · 26/04/2025 12:13

Heronwatcher · 26/04/2025 12:12

It’s not unrealistic- it didn’t work for you but it’s worked for others so it’s surely the basic level that one should aim for?

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I wonder how many people it has actually worked for. This subject comes up a lot on Mum’s net.

Heronwatcher · 26/04/2025 12:12

OlivePeer · 26/04/2025 12:05

I didn't feel second class at all - on the contrary, I got the strong sense that my dad was delighted to have me there and would have loved to have seen me more. His place still didn't feel like home, though. I just really don't understand why this unrealistic idea of feeling like two places are simultaneously home is important.

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It’s not unrealistic- it didn’t work for you but it’s worked for others so it’s surely the basic level that one should aim for?

Sassybooklover · 26/04/2025 12:12

I can see both points of view here. The eldest step-daughter is nearly 16, that means 2-3 years time she'll be 18. By the time she reaches 16-17 how often will she be wanting to stay at Dad's? There's going to come a point, when she won't want to stay at all. That's not necessarily a reflection on her relationship with her Dad, but rather that she's too busy with her own friends, and she's older. At some point it may only be the younger step-daughter who is still staying over. I would be reluctant to spend a lot of money on a loft conversion that could in 2-3 years time, not being used from one month to the next and some. In all honesty, if the step-daughter's were going to be given their own rooms, it should have happened years ago, when they would get much more use out of them. Unfortunately, you can't treat all the children completely the same - 2 permanently live in the house, and 2 divide their time between 2 houses. Those fundamental facts won't be changing, unless suddenly both step-daughter's need to live permanently with their Dad, in which case of course the loft conversion will be needed.

Heronwatcher · 26/04/2025 12:11

I also think the idea that this will solve itself naturally is wrong, if one of the SC go to uni, chances are they won’t want to come to their dad’s at all in the holidays if the younger SC has taken over the room.
Which would be really sad for your partner.

Sounds like he’s doing all he can to make them feel like they have a proper home with him and you should at least be open to ONE of the many options he’s suggested. If he’s not happy you can’t leave things as they are, quite apart from anything else if his relationship with his SC deteriorates he’ll feel this has contributed to it.

Comtesse · 26/04/2025 12:11

A good loft conversion is pretty much always a good idea. Get some other quotes for the conversion?

OllyBJolly · 26/04/2025 12:10

Arancia · 26/04/2025 11:55

It's your husband's children, not yours. Therefore, he pays all on his own if he wants a loft conversion to accommodate his children.

Alternatively, divide one of the larger bedrooms into two smaller ones.

Assuming he paid for half the house so surely he gets a say in any improvements? His children shouldn't feel second best in their own father's home.

The OP says the children have been asking for this for a while so it's obviously an issue to them. The older children are at an age where this matters.

I hate all this "They'll be gone soon" replies. Children are forever, not just when it's convenient.

BigHeadBertha · 26/04/2025 12:07

Stepkids have it rough. Them getting their own bedrooms at both parents' homes is not them being spoiled or getting more than they deserve. It's them being displaced and having to live between two homes, their original home having been broken.

The second set of kids has the luxury of not knowing what that's like. Maybe that's reason enough to give the small benefit of separate bedrooms to the steps?

belgiumchocolates · 26/04/2025 12:07

Owww that looks good @FartNRoses , shows that there are some design solutions out there.
But kindly to OP I think she is not acknowledging that they are a family of 6, not 4 and 2 adds ons.

I'd been going all out for the 5th bedroom in the loft

OlivePeer · 26/04/2025 12:05

Calliopespa · 26/04/2025 12:03

It doesn’t sound as though the father wants them to feel that way.

I think it’s sad if as the result of a relationship breakdown children are made to feel a second class member of one of their parent’s homes. I’m glad it didn’t bother you, bug I don’t think that’s typical.

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I didn't feel second class at all - on the contrary, I got the strong sense that my dad was delighted to have me there and would have loved to have seen me more. His place still didn't feel like home, though. I just really don't understand why this unrealistic idea of feeling like two places are simultaneously home is important.

SheridansPortSalut · 26/04/2025 12:05

Let the teenagers have their own rooms. When the two younger ones are teenagers they'll have their own rooms too but they don't need them now.

It's coming across as though you want to create an environment where the older kids stay less.