Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

re. Mortgage by your DH? Why doesn't he pay for extra room with his own mortgage/remortgage/loan ? Then if you sell he gets that extra from the proceeds?

haven't rtft, so not sure if anyone has suggested this: but can you the give the 15yo one of the lounge rooms, then move the playroom and the 7yo into the double bedroom. the 13yo can then have the 7yo's smaller room. that way everyone has a room, you have one lounge, and you don't have to spend money on a loft conversion.

But that’s parenting, isn’t it? A massive proportion of my money goes on things I don’t want but we make sacrifices for our kids.

these children are not a shock, she knew they existed and needed providing for before she married their dad, and before she had child 3 and then child 4.

She’s unreasonable because she’s rejected all of husband’s suggestions and the only contribution she’s made is “they won’t want to stay here in a few years anyway”, well that’s a certainty given that they’re made to feels second rate to the brand new kids.

I wonder if she’d be happy for husband to remarry a woman who thinks of child 3&4 in the same way she’s thinking of 1&2.

The fundamental issue is you don't want to spend your money to make it better and more welcoming for children that aren't yours. That's fine as is the rational around the money better spent on a kitchen, if that's want you want. But the message to your step children is very clear. A kitchen is more important to you than creating space to make them feel welcome and secure because in a few years they won't be your partner's responsibility anyway, and hopefully wont be visiting anymore. Then you can concentrate on your real family with a lovey kitchen and landscaped garden.
At least own it and stop trying to justify it.

also sorry I don't agree with the separate finances thing - you are a family now, my husband and I support each other with our wishes and aims.

Your husband wants his children to feel welcome and you are denying him that.

I have friends in their 40s who still bear the emotional hurt of watching parents (both mums and dads btw not sexist here) - move on and set up a 'proper home' with their new children and partner - it's a lifetime pain.

Op - they will be older teens and even more likely to want privacy - maybe to bring their own friends over? boyfriends one day?

they are being treated like visiting aunts and uncles -

Embrace them - and think if your husband left how you would feel if it was your little children sharing for life even as young adults - while his new children spread out in their own rooms.

Such feelings are valid though, and she is allowed to have them. It's ok to love your children more than children who are not yours.

No. All 4 children are his. He can't dictate how she spends her money. Increased equity in the house is all well and good, but sometimes having the cash available for emergencies etc is more important

Can you remove the central window and put two in either side instead? Much cheaper than a loft conversion…

As opposed to her children sharing 7 x a week? Or should she be completely rinsing her savings to pay for things she doesn't want?

I don't think the OP has said the SC are girls, has she?

I wonder if those saying the girls don't need a room each are from divorced parents themselves

They ser their dad leave and now set up home and have new children who he lives with full time. So he is already in a much more committed family set up with his new children

Wouldn't it be very important here to make sure his other children feel as at home at dad's house as at their own.

Then as older teens and adults they will feel much more welcome ???

Just change the 2nd reception room into a bedroom for now and if it doesnt get used, change it back.

Adding a loft would add value to your homebut I would prefer to invest in a garden studio with shower room. It would be more versatile and more private for young adults.
The two older kids could sleep inside in the shared room but have the space down stairs for when one brings a guest or partner.

I’d do the loft conversation. Even when they are young adults, you’ll want your step kids to feel at home in your house.

Your joint kids can’t share long term as they are different sexes. So even if you made them share the large room now and gave the step kids a smaller room each, you’d only be putting off the problem for another day.

I'm slightly biased as I absolutely love our loft room, it's a peaceful sanctuary at the top of the house away from everything. It's easily the nicest room in the house. It will add value to your home so I think it's worth doing and then downsizing once the kids have grown and flown.

@Georgey0 Where is the house located? Yes works are expensive but if the house is located in an expensive part of the UK, the sale price per sq ft should be above the cost of the work per sq ft. This is one way to create value.
I’m with your DH here, he’s right in saying that his kids won’t be visiting if they have to share a room (my older teenagers/young adults would not share a room even if same sex).
is there any way you can remortgage? Given the house will increase in value you can borrow against that.

Which is what she wants, clearly.

To an extent I agree with this, and indeed I shared a room with my (much) older sister.
BUT, the important thing in this situation is that the step children are being treated differently. If those girls were the OPs bio kids then they’d have their own rooms and youngest two would share.

OP you are being unreasonable. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to pay out for loft conversion but you need to do something. You need to compromise here.

Absolutely not.
Keep your money separate.
He doesn't get to dictate.
Do not give up the lounge.
Perhaps rethink your marriage if he continues to behave so unreasonably.

You should extend the house so he is treating all his children equally

Clearly thr situation probably makes them less likely to visit and feel less at home

Well done on your financial set-up.

IMHO you should avoid a costly loft conversion. While it would add value, maybe not so much if there are already four bedrooms. Viewing from the eyes of future buyers, families tend to prefer to sleep on the same floor. And a loft room isn’t great for guests, especially older guests like grandparents due to extra stairs. A future buyer may possibly view it as an office.

IMHO a better way to add value is creating a bedroom downstairs, in addition to your current living space. A ground floor extension/converted garage onto the garden (with a french door), with an en-suite toilet (or shower room, if possible). It may not cost so much. This would work v well for a teen/young adult - incl perhaps your own DC eventually. But would also be more useable/adaptable in the long-term, or to future buyers, e.g. as an accessible bedroom (for grandparents, people with mobility problems or older owners - incl you, eventually), a work-from-home space (e.g. therapy room, office or meeting space), a formal dining room or semi-conservatory/winter garden room or library/reading room, cinema room/teen hangout, even a utility space.

I’d get quotes for that.

When the DSC aren’t staying, it could still give you extra useable space downstairs. You could provide shallow built-ins with sliding doors with locks. So the DSC could stow all their stuff out of the way/out of sight but access easily when there. And a sofa bed. Gives you an extra downstairs toilet/shower/utility if you add an en-suite. I had a room once where the end of the room had been divided off by about 2m into three similar size rooms with three doors: toilet, shower room, walk in closet. It meant all you had to have in the main room was a bed, bedside drawers and a desk/dressing table. So it wouldn’t have to be that big. And the room wouldn’t look ‘bedroomy’ compared to using free-standing wardrobes.

IMHO you should provide the DSC with their own rooms if you can.

Why should the children who are there full time have to share, when girls who are there only a few nights a week get their own bedroom?
I'm guessing the SC get the run of the house, so also have "the whole house".

It depends on the dimensions of the double room, but one option would be to undertake building works to remove the current window and install two separate windows, which would enable you to then partition the room to make two separate rooms. We did something similar.

LTB