Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

Compromise has to be reached somewhere along the line in this situation though. Using the reception room is the most reasonable option not affecting their savings.

We have a tiny reception room now but overall it sorted out all the problems with everyone having space they need now.

He's not dictating which is why it hasn't happened. This is about the step children feeling welcome at the house where their dad lives. It's not about the next two years before they go to uni or have less visits either, it's more than that, it's defining the future relationship in showing very clearly where they rest in the priorities of the blended family at a time they will be very sensitive to it. Those talking about adding value to a house, financial wrangling or power struggles, or if the children will visit regularly in 3 years are missing the point completely. My niece and nephew in exactly the same situation with their fathers new family had no rooms of their own. Stopped seeing him and 10 years on have seen him once as adults. Fundamentally OP doesn't want to spend her money on his children, he sees the very serious impacts this might have for future relationship with 2 of his children. That's a crunch situation for a blended family.
If she leaves him as you suggest then OP two shared children will face exactly the same issues at his new house. Which is likely to be smaller when assets are divided.

I'd say moving home is less radical than living without a proper lounge for numerous years.

Although I can understand the points you have made, I fundamentally disagree that all couples, families and blended families have to use the same template. I don't think everyone goes into a relationship with someone who already has children thinking " and every penny I"ll ever earn belongs to him and them". Split finances with a joint account and separate personal accounts are very common in many relationships where both are earning. All joint money should be used for the whole family (all four children). However, she shouldn't be manipulated into spending her savings on a loft conversion she doesn't want. Even if it would add to the value of the house. The split room idea (with potential creation of another window) is not a bad idea. He just won't entertain it. His choices are to borrow or live within his means.

As the loft conversion will cost more than you thought due to needing extra work, how long will it take?

If DSC1 is 15 about to turn 16, assume they are about to do GCSEs. We had a complex lost conversion and by the time planning was through, the builders were available and the work was completed, it was 6 months before we could use the room. On a similar time frame, you could have dsc1 half way though year 12 before it’s done. Assuming they go away to uni, about 18 months of use.

So it’s not just the cost but the timeframe that should be considered.

Is remortgaging to cover the other 50% of the costs an option? With dh paying the extra mortgage payments.

Op, I think you need to consider the family unit and prioritise all 4 children. It is now common for children to have their own rooms, especially older children, due to studying etc.

You mention savings, how much? Are you both equal earners? Would you be paying more relative to your income?

I think you are minimising your husband's emotions whilst also having strong feelings towards your children sense of "home". This could cause martial resentment and ultimately he is right to put his children first. Could he pay for all of it and then ringfence equity increase?

I think you need to compromise because it's important to him and his daughters. Listen to him and find a solution as that's part of being a team and family.

A garden room can get really cold unless very well insulated.

I think the point about studying for GCSEs is very valid, they get lots of homework and need to revise hard for GCSEs. So much easier with a quiet space.

I would convert the loft, it would make the house more valuable.

no, because if you read the OP's post, there isn't a 'playroom' there is a space that is a walkthrough from the hall to the kitchen/diner, that isn't big enough to function as anything in particular, so they have the toys and DSC's gaming set up there.

And then there is their living room.

The downstairs isn't an option under those circumstances.

Surely this is one of the most obvious less invasive options going 🤦‍♀️

NRTFT

Do they have a room each at their mums? If they have private space in one home and a decent sized room in their other home (particularly if it can be divided in some way to offer privacy) I think that is completely reasonable.

fair does not mean things have to be exactly the same.

if they have to share at both houses while their younger siblings have their own rooms then it feels less fair to me.

do they always visit together? Can they alternate so they have the room to themselves during their visits?

projecting much?

It's only clear to you, for some unknown reason, not for anyone else.

I’d go for a garden room OP, probably mush cheaper and as teenagers I think they’ll love it.

Your children have 1.5 rooms each and his have 0.5, despite being teenagers and needing their own space much more. I don’t think you realise quite how important having their own space is to girls that age and yes, it will definitely affect how much time they want to spend at your house.

Yep. It's not like they can just get a minimum wage job, pop on the free ads and pick out a £400 a month flat nowadays (like dh and I did 🤣).

Our 3 dc range between 7 and 17. We're planning for them all living here well into their 20's tbh. And quite possible having 5 adults living at home for a time.

i did it too, my DSD is in her 30s, never had a room of her own in our house because we just simply didn't have space, when she visited ExH slept downstairs, DD came in with me, and DSD had DD's room for the duration.

Now she's an adult, DSD doesn't actually talk to her dad (Exh) she went NC with him, but still speaks to me, still visits her half-sibs and we have a good relationship.

What's important is how you as a step parent treat the kid, not where they sleep or if they have their own rooms.

Have not rtft, when my dd’s shared I split the room with a huge kalax unit which had all their storage in

Who leaves home at 18 these days? Even if they're at university they have breaks all the time

I've not RTFT, but will DSC(15) be doing GCSE's next year (or possibly even this year)? Where do you propose that they study?

As others have mentioned, they could be off to university within the blink of an eye (or possibly not)?

If they are likely to be leaving home at 18, I would look to making the front room into more of a study bedroom. A wall-bed or smart daybed would be a lot cheaper than building a whole new floor.

OP has confirmed she absolutely would do this for her bio children as there is no way they would be sharing a room.

This would be my suggestion as well. Cheaper than loft conversion, the internal wall will be stud anyway, so should be easy to remove if/when you want a large double room again.
This is a sensible compromise.

💐

Even in families that are not blended, it is common for some children to share a bedroom based on gender and age. My best friend growing up got her own bedroom, as did her brother, but the two younger girls had to share. That was the reality of a four-bedroom house. And I think it's very common.

OP, you have a daughter and a son and it makes no sense for them to share given their genders and the fact that, as you stated, this is their full-time home.

I didn't read every comment, so I might have missed something, but I assume DSC have their own rooms at their mother's house?

If it was a quick fix, then of course they could have their own rooms at your house, but it is not. I would make this less about the amount of time they stay with you than to focus on how their ages and genders would have made sense for them to be the ones to share regardless.

I get the DH is trying to ease the custody arrangement with the ex by doing whatever he can to make his daughters want to spend more time with him, but I don't think this will be the answer her is looking for. I would not overhaul your entire home by granting the wishes of these girls who will quite possibly want to spend less time with you as they become teenagers and their friends take priority. You should also not have to use up all of your savings as that impacts the two children you share together also.

Even if these were your biological children, and gender and birth order remained the same, would you expect them to share, or would you dig into all of your savings to grant their wishes?

As you note that you don’t want to spend all of your money in providing a room for everyone the question is
would you do it if it was your kids ie step kids to your dh

I would but as a less expensive compromise I’d change one of the downstairs rooms to a bedroom.

As you say, it’s not it’s going to be for a very long time.

Or a slightly more radical solution would be finding a 5 bed that suits the family better. If the move is cheaper than the conversion and more acceptable in terms of downstairs space.

My loft conversion, including a bathroom to full regs and new steels took 2 months

To quote this and your earlier comment about people making a 'big deal' about both homes being 'home' to the stepchildren, let me tell you why shall I?

Because I love your dad, he is my heart, my soul, my everything and I'm taking all that he comes with. You being his child from another woman does NOT give me the right to treat you any lesser or to make you feel uncomfortable, unloved and unwanted in our home, this is your home also, he is your dad, I respect you as much as I respect him, and have a duty to protect and love you until the day I die, because that was the responsibility I accepted and took on when I fell love with him and wanted to be a part of all he is.

I have a duty as an adult and your fathers' new partner to make sure I love you no differently to how I love my own children, in fact if I had it my way I would have given birth to you, THAT is how much I love you.

There is just no excuse or room in this world for subjecting a child to abandonment, feeling invalidated, unloved, unwanted etc.

We will do things as a family, you are included in everything, you are my family and you're not about to grow up with mental health issues, needing therapy etc due to the adults not being able to knock their fking heads together and do what's right by you.

My children having blended siblings is an absolute blessing! It's a beautiful feeling that cannot be put into words and I can think of nothing greater than having a blended family, besides actually giving birth itself.

If dad has a suggestion about your needs that will benefit us all as a family, we will work together to ensure those needs are met. You see, what many people on this thread are missing is the love for that man should always extend to his children, family, even the mother of his children etc.

Yes, not all women/exes are this nice, sometimes the ex is the asshole, other times it's the new woman, but I will always give her peace of mind that her child is safe with me, fed, nurtured and has a home from home whereby they will always feel 'snug' and not be made to feel like an outcast.

So there's your answer, a home from home is completely necessary, take this from someone who was beaten on a daily basis by my mothers' husband, he absolutely detested us and did the opposite of everything I said above he wanted us OUT the picture and my mum to himself. No I don't carry any trauma from this, I have healed and live a very happy life, I'm just an adult with common sense to not ostracise a child.