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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

610 replies

Georgey0 · 26/04/2025 08:32

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

OP posts:
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6
Trovindia · 26/04/2025 16:23

Inertia · 26/04/2025 16:19

YANBU to reject the the loft conversion if it would use up all of your combined savings. You might not get the full value back if you sell, especially if the downstairs is small in comparison ( what sounds like a combined kitchen/ diner with a walk-through area, and then a separate living room, is not commensurate with most five-bedroomed houses). And you obviously can't access the equity if you need money quickly.

YANBU to not want to lose the main sitting room that you use all the time.

YABU to think that your household doesn't need to find a solution.

It sounds to me like the least invasive option is to split the existing large double bedroom into two rooms. It should be easy to either put in another window, or change the design of the existing window to two smaller windows with a line of bricks to split them. New windows, a stud wall and an extra door would be far, far cheaper and less invasive than a loft conversion, even if you need to buy new furniture.

I agree. I would change the window situation so the room can be split into two separate rooms. I definitely wouldn't be using all my savings for a loft conversion, savings are important.

SpookyMcTaggart · 26/04/2025 16:22

Random suggestion - buy a motor home. Presumably this would be a lot less than a loft conversion. Park it in the drive and one or both DSC can sleep in it ( I would have loved this as a teen). You can also use it for holidays of course.

Inertia · 26/04/2025 16:19

YANBU to reject the the loft conversion if it would use up all of your combined savings. You might not get the full value back if you sell, especially if the downstairs is small in comparison ( what sounds like a combined kitchen/ diner with a walk-through area, and then a separate living room, is not commensurate with most five-bedroomed houses). And you obviously can't access the equity if you need money quickly.

YANBU to not want to lose the main sitting room that you use all the time.

YABU to think that your household doesn't need to find a solution.

It sounds to me like the least invasive option is to split the existing large double bedroom into two rooms. It should be easy to either put in another window, or change the design of the existing window to two smaller windows with a line of bricks to split them. New windows, a stud wall and an extra door would be far, far cheaper and less invasive than a loft conversion, even if you need to buy new furniture.

LovePeriodProperty · 26/04/2025 16:17

Calliopespa · 26/04/2025 16:12

Well I think we need to ask the Dursleys’ opinion on that …!

Edited
Show quote history

Wizards are different.
They can aparate out of any space so having a window for escape purposes is irrelevant

Its also worth noting that whilst young Wizards can’t use Magic outside of their school they can for emergencies

signed
Love BscMag, MPhilMag, Phd Harry 😁

Finallylostit · 26/04/2025 16:15

They live there 40% of the time - hardly barely used.
You resent them clearly, you will soon be back demanding that one of your DCS has the bigger room because they have more toys.

What goes on in your house is your problem not what they have at their mothers.

Don't worry in 2 years time one will be at uni/college and the problem for you will be which of your DC you put in the big room and which small room can you squeeze the DSC into.

You do not come across well tbh OP

Calliopespa · 26/04/2025 16:12

LovePeriodProperty · 26/04/2025 16:10

Thats still not legally a habitable room

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Well I think we need to ask the Dursleys’ opinion on that …!

LovePeriodProperty · 26/04/2025 16:10

Octocat · 26/04/2025 15:14

What about a stud wall with glass at the top to let light in?

Thats still not legally a habitable room

LovePeriodProperty · 26/04/2025 16:08

Fly1ngG1raffe · 26/04/2025 14:46

He’s rejected the idea of one child having a bedroom with no window. Do you think he’s wrong?

He has suggested they convert their second reception room into a bedroom and she’s rejected that. She’s rejected extending into the loft.

She’s made clear her priority is to ensure her children have a room each and a playroom, so three rooms between two kids leaving two teens to share one room.

I have nothing invested in this. I am neither a step-child nor a step-parent but I can’t see any evidence of her compromising or making helpful suggestions.

would you let your child live in a room with no window?

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Legally a room with no window is not a habitable room!

Anonymousemouses · 26/04/2025 16:03

I grew up with a slightly younger sister (18 months) and a younger brother.

We had a three bedroom house.

My sister and I always shared (and it wasn't a large room), and this was 7 days a week/365 days a year.

I cannot understand why they need separate rooms for just a few days a week.

usernamealreadytaken · 26/04/2025 15:58

Redcarbluevan · 26/04/2025 08:35

He need to treat his children equally and this isn’t equal.

You’re right; currently DSC have three bedrooms between the two of them, and DD and DS have two bedrooms between the two of them. Thoroughly unfair.

BankHolidayBonanza · 26/04/2025 15:52

Grazeboard · 26/04/2025 15:30

Mic fuking drop! 🎤👋🏼

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oh please. Not having any saving left is unwise at best, benefit no child and is not helping anyone.

The bitterness is strong on this thread.

Codlingmoths · 26/04/2025 15:40

I’d get a quote for a garden room, I bet the older one would love that.

CellophaneFlower · 26/04/2025 15:31

FiveBarGate · 26/04/2025 15:09

How far is it between your house and their mum's?

I don't understand the obsession with continuing the three nights once kids reach about 16 unless there's significant distance involved.

They stay up late and no longer need baby sitting. What difference does it make if dad drops them back home at 10.30pm.

Similarly teenagers don't get up til lunchtime and is it really adding to anything to have them annoyed at their younger siblings up at 6.30am.

If it's not far then just coming and going and having your meals together, doing arranged things together is still quality time. I'm not sure measuring it by where they sleep still applies.

That's what we did and I have a perfectly good relationship with my dad. I'd have hated being made to stay just for the sake of it. Different when we were little and childcare was involved but if I wanted to sleep in my proper bed he'd just take me, even if it was late.

This. On mumsnet though children all go off to uni never to be seen again, unless they're a stepchild and then they must have a room ready waiting until they're at least 40.

Grazeboard · 26/04/2025 15:30

ClareBlue · 26/04/2025 13:45

The fundamental issue is you don't want to spend your money to make it better and more welcoming for children that aren't yours. That's fine as is the rational around the money better spent on a kitchen, if that's want you want. But the message to your step children is very clear. A kitchen is more important to you than creating space to make them feel welcome and secure because in a few years they won't be your partner's responsibility anyway, and hopefully wont be visiting anymore. Then you can concentrate on your real family with a lovey kitchen and landscaped garden.
At least own it and stop trying to justify it.

Mic fuking drop! 🎤👋🏼

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 26/04/2025 15:29

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 26/04/2025 14:45

@Grazeboard I applaud your ability to do this if it is true. But I can't imagine loving anyone as much as I love my own children. I could imagine loving someone I chose to adopt. But then they would have been wanted by me in their own right. Meeting someone and suddenly automatically genuinely loving their children isn't something I can personally turn on and off like that. I could certainly love them. But if they were already grown by the time I met them, had their own mum, and I spent limited time with them, it just wouldn't be comparable.

It doesn’t matter if she loves them as much or not, but they still need to be treated as an equal part of the family.

Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 26/04/2025 15:25

judduelong · 26/04/2025 12:37

Celebrating stuff twice does not make up for the fact that they're from a broken home.

That's incredibly shallow thinking.

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Broken home is a massive leap, not every divorce needs to be a big drama.

TerrysCIockworkOrange · 26/04/2025 15:18

@Georgey0 could you remove the central window in their current room and replace it with two windows that would allow for the room to be split?

Octocat · 26/04/2025 15:14

What about a stud wall with glass at the top to let light in?

Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?
FiveBarGate · 26/04/2025 15:09

How far is it between your house and their mum's?

I don't understand the obsession with continuing the three nights once kids reach about 16 unless there's significant distance involved.

They stay up late and no longer need baby sitting. What difference does it make if dad drops them back home at 10.30pm.

Similarly teenagers don't get up til lunchtime and is it really adding to anything to have them annoyed at their younger siblings up at 6.30am.

If it's not far then just coming and going and having your meals together, doing arranged things together is still quality time. I'm not sure measuring it by where they sleep still applies.

That's what we did and I have a perfectly good relationship with my dad. I'd have hated being made to stay just for the sake of it. Different when we were little and childcare was involved but if I wanted to sleep in my proper bed he'd just take me, even if it was late.

Arseynal · 26/04/2025 14:57

My loft conversion, including a bathroom to full regs and new steels took 2 months

Quite. Mine took 12 weeks. It’s trussed so needed steel, has a dormer and 4 velux windows, full bathroom, 2 bedrooms and a sitting/study area open to the stairs. The first floor needed 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms re-jigging and we got a new boiler. The plumber fucked off halfway through which added a couple of weeks. Tbf is was shit - everything was filthy and we were living cramped together with stuff in boxes and we were without hot water and heating for far too long but people claiming a child in ks3 will be “off to uni” never to be seen again like Tracey Barlow going upstairs to play her tapes before this can be done are disingenuous. It could be done before the summer holidays and the big kids would have a lovely welcoming space in the house they spend 43% of their nights at. When Tracey does go “off to uni” and the OPs kids are 13yos going to parties and living their own lives, staying with friends etc like the current 13yo is apparently doing they will have no need for a bedroom in their parents house the money can be recouped by downsizing.

sunshineday850 · 26/04/2025 14:51

Absolutely crazy to flatten your savings on a loft conversion. Especially these days. Turning your actual lounge into a bedroom is also a bad idea as I imagine that's where you all spend most of your time. Stud wall in the big bedroom would be the best and most cost effective option in my opinion. Everyone has their own space then.

Bonkers to use all of your savings, don't do it. Yes one bedroom would have no window but surely that's better than leaving yourselves financially vulnerable.

CellophaneFlower · 26/04/2025 14:47

Vettrianofan · 26/04/2025 14:44

Compromise has to be reached somewhere along the line in this situation though. Using the reception room is the most reasonable option not affecting their savings.

We have a tiny reception room now but overall it sorted out all the problems with everyone having space they need now.

Show quote history

Splitting a room would be better if possible. I cannot imagining cramming a family into a tiny living area whilst the main one sits empty more than half of the week.

Fly1ngG1raffe · 26/04/2025 14:46

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 26/04/2025 14:37

Although I can understand the points you have made, I fundamentally disagree that all couples, families and blended families have to use the same template. I don't think everyone goes into a relationship with someone who already has children thinking " and every penny I"ll ever earn belongs to him and them". Split finances with a joint account and separate personal accounts are very common in many relationships where both are earning. All joint money should be used for the whole family (all four children). However, she shouldn't be manipulated into spending her savings on a loft conversion she doesn't want. Even if it would add to the value of the house. The split room idea (with potential creation of another window) is not a bad idea. He just won't entertain it. His choices are to borrow or live within his means.

Show quote history

He’s rejected the idea of one child having a bedroom with no window. Do you think he’s wrong?

He has suggested they convert their second reception room into a bedroom and she’s rejected that. She’s rejected extending into the loft.

She’s made clear her priority is to ensure her children have a room each and a playroom, so three rooms between two kids leaving two teens to share one room.

I have nothing invested in this. I am neither a step-child nor a step-parent but I can’t see any evidence of her compromising or making helpful suggestions.

would you let your child live in a room with no window?

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 26/04/2025 14:45

@Grazeboard I applaud your ability to do this if it is true. But I can't imagine loving anyone as much as I love my own children. I could imagine loving someone I chose to adopt. But then they would have been wanted by me in their own right. Meeting someone and suddenly automatically genuinely loving their children isn't something I can personally turn on and off like that. I could certainly love them. But if they were already grown by the time I met them, had their own mum, and I spent limited time with them, it just wouldn't be comparable.

CellophaneFlower · 26/04/2025 14:44

Nellodee · 26/04/2025 14:19

Your children have 1.5 rooms each and his have 0.5, despite being teenagers and needing their own space much more. I don’t think you realise quite how important having their own space is to girls that age and yes, it will definitely affect how much time they want to spend at your house.

They're all 'his' children. I'm not sure OP has clarified they're girls either?

OP's children don't have 1.5 rooms. She's already said it's a family area that houses gaming stuff that her stepchildren used to use.

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