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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

610 replies

Georgey0 · 26/04/2025 08:32

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

OP posts:
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6
CuttedPearPie · 26/04/2025 09:04

Your kids have a playroom? While your SC have to share? Come on.

Chonk · 26/04/2025 09:04

CopperWhite · 26/04/2025 08:46

I feel like he just thinks this house is his to change about however best suits his kids and I'm expected to pay for the privilege too.

You sound like you think the house is yours to have how you want and the three other peoples needs are irrelevant to you.

If you’re splitting costs equally, he is currently subsidising your children having their own room at the expense of his children.

Why should he pay for your children to have their own rooms when you can’t see that his children deserve the same?

He’s rightly scared that if he can’t provide a space for his children that they want to be in, then they won’t want to spend time with him anymore. You should be doing everything you can to support his relationship with his children seeing as he has agreed to live with yours.

He is the father of all of the children.

slippingdowntheabyss · 26/04/2025 09:03

Save your money these are not the times to spent money op

Eenameenadeeka · 26/04/2025 09:03

I don't have step children, but we do have 4 children and I would personally have younger children sharing rather than older children. I get that they're only there half the time, but it's meant to be their home and it must be hard for a child already that they have to go between homes. It really could be part of why they might not want to be there as often, if they have their own rooms they might want to have friends sleep over with them rather than them going to friends as well? If it's too expensive, then the garden/summer house idea might be a good one to give them some of their own space.

Radra · 26/04/2025 09:02

I think it would be a good idea if you plan to be in this house for the longer term - when the kids are older, they will be better able to visit with their partners and even future children etc

Sofiewoo · 26/04/2025 09:02

HelenWheels · 26/04/2025 08:57

but there is no denying that they will spend less time, particularly the 15 year old
how long will a conversion even take

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The average age young adults move out of their parents house is now 25y. It’s not a given they will spend less time there just because it’s their dad’s house and more likely it’s because they are less important.

Totallytoti · 26/04/2025 09:00

Best would be to section their current room op. I wouldn’t waste my savings on this.

CanYouTurnItDown · 26/04/2025 08:59

Eldermillennialmum · 26/04/2025 08:53

Would you feel differently about the alterations if it were your DC who were sharing? If it doesn't matter so much why not get your DC to share when the DSC come over so they can have their own rooms. I think what you're proposing isn't unreasonable and you don't have to do home improvements as people sometimes have to make do but most people are biased towards their own children and I think you're potentially doing this.

Of course she would, she’s already said that she won’t have their shared kids sharing a room.

It’s so disappointing to read mothers trying to justify this behaviour.

Don't do the splitting the room thing, unless there are two windows, it’s just awful and why you would do that without absolutely needing to is beyond me.

Pikablue · 26/04/2025 08:59

I'd look into inventive ways to split the room they're currently in as you say it's big. They presumably have a room at their mums too and so have their belongings spread across both houses unlike your joint children who have smaller rooms as their sole room. I can see why they don't want to share, but honestly I wouldn't be spending my savings either.

Imbusytodaysorry · 26/04/2025 08:59

@Georgey0 i have a step parent and I’ve done being a step parent very well.
I wouldn’t give up my savings .
If you shared everything then yes it’s a couple issue , but you don’t .
He can choose what to spend his money on but he can’t make you .
He can use his savings and take a loan and pay the loan back , if this is what he wants to spend his money on.
if the house is ever sold and it’s at a profit due to the loft space then he can have his share returned. I’d have it valued before and after the works.

Loopytiles · 26/04/2025 08:58

And YABVU for referring to your DCs’ ‘only home’ as if it’s somehow advantageous for your step DC to have two houses! It’s not.

Sofiewoo · 26/04/2025 08:58

NestOfWipers · 26/04/2025 08:55

It doesn't feel like they're home because they share a room??

Tell that to the millions of kids that share a room in their own home.

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Because it’s not about sharing the room, it’s about the different treatment between the children. It makes less sense for very young children to have their own room at the expense of teenagers.

Cosyblankets · 26/04/2025 08:58

NestOfWipers · 26/04/2025 08:55

It doesn't feel like they're home because they share a room??

Tell that to the millions of kids that share a room in their own home.

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How many families do you know where the younger kids get their own room and the older kids share? It's usually the other way round

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/04/2025 08:58

I agree that your joint dc who live there 24/7 shouldn’t have to share plus diff sex

do the older boys have own room each at mums house

Totallytoti · 26/04/2025 08:57

Stand firm, do not spend your savings on this waste of money loft. They will spend fewer nights in a few years and it would be a waste. Also do not make your kids shift around rooms or share in their only home. Let him pay for the whole thing if he wants it.

Loopytiles · 26/04/2025 08:57

Why don’t you think that the bedroom problem is a factor in at least one of the teen DC wanting to reduce their time at their father’s?

Most teens with a home with their own bedroom at one home wouldn’t enjoy sharing a room for 3/7ths of their time in another, on top of the ‘split time’, step parent(s), younger half siblings etc

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/04/2025 08:57

Split their room. Put a temp wall up down middle of room which is where windows is I assume

a diagram of room would be good

or take out the window and have 2 smaller windows fitted so each have own window

I get not wanting the loft and the cost done as in a few years they prob won’t stay much

did they move into your home

or did you jointly buy a place. If so. The. Silly to buy 4 bed not 5

Calmdownpeople · 26/04/2025 08:57

OP you had me until ‘I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home ’

It’s your step children’s home too. Your views are self centred and don’t consider the feelings of the step children at all - in fact the three suggestions your hubby has made you have said no and found a reason. You have made them second class citizens just because they aren’t there full time. They are older now and it getting harder to share.

Find a solution (or one of the three your husband has suggested) and be more accommodating instead of no to everything because it doesn’t suit you.

YABU

HelenWheels · 26/04/2025 08:57

Sofiewoo · 26/04/2025 08:53

It’s not like they’re at the dads a handful of days a month, it’s very close to 50/50. “Resident home” doesn’t really apply.

Show quote history

but there is no denying that they will spend less time, particularly the 15 year old
how long will a conversion even take

Els1e · 26/04/2025 08:56

Can you put another window in the current bedroom so that it can be split into 2. Or change the current window into 2 windows.

Calliopespa · 26/04/2025 08:56

CopperWhite · 26/04/2025 08:39

You can’t insist that your children have a room each and then put a block on that happening for his children.

Could you put the dsc in the master bedroom and partition it so they each get their own space, and you have the room they’re currently in?

If something is important for your children, it is equally important for his.

I’m afraid I think this too op.

Your Dp knows the situation/ house layout and clearly thinks this is important for his Dc, and wants to treat them all the same when in his house. That isn’t a monstrous desire.

I would be loath to stand between them in this circumstance. I get that you don’t want to spend the money but the time to think about control over all your financial decisions was when casting your lot in with a man who had children already.

He’s right it will value add. Look at the long term; you aren’t really losing anything in that sense. Parenthood comes with sacrifice and blended families are even more complicated.

SendBooksAndTea · 26/04/2025 08:56

Cosyblankets · 26/04/2025 08:53

Nailed!

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Yes, this is true, together you made these choices. I'd probably do the attic conversion, you will add value to your home anyway and it will give more space for when your own children get older.

CanYouTurnItDown · 26/04/2025 08:55

m00rfarm · 26/04/2025 08:52

The playroom was clearly stated as being open plan into the kitchen. The only room downstairs is the sitting room, which is used (according to the OP) as a sitting room. Why can't the family have a room that is not in the kitchen to use as a family?

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Because they have more kids than rooms, OP is prioritising her own kid’s need for space to keep their toys over her step kid’s need for privacy.

Use the playroom as a lounge and the lounge as a bedroom, that’s another option.

Sofiewoo · 26/04/2025 08:55

I just don’t get why so many women shack up with men who already have kids and seem to count down to them becoming mid teenagers under the assumption that they aren’t really his kids or responsibility anymore and then they can move on with their new life with his real kids free from the hassle of step children.

NestOfWipers · 26/04/2025 08:55

Redcarbluevan · 26/04/2025 08:44

It seems this isn’t their home- it’s your home and they are visiting. I would hate this because you could do something about it but have chosen not to.

It doesn't feel like they're home because they share a room??

Tell that to the millions of kids that share a room in their own home.