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AIBU?

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Original poster

Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

610 replies

Georgey0 · 26/04/2025 08:32

Just wondering people's opinions on this.

We currently live in a 4 bedroom house. There is DH and I in the master, our DD 7 in 2nd room, our DS 4 in 3rd room and DSC 15 & 13 share the 4th bedroom (which is a double).

DSC stay with us 3 nights a week technically but as they have been getting older this is starting to get more flexible with some weeks it being less now.

They have been saying for a while that they wish they didn't have to share a bedroom, which I understand, but at the same time they don't stay all that often now and they do have the biggest of the rooms aside from the master which then sits empty for over half the week. I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home so that two bedrooms can then sit empty for the majority of the week which seems unfair and DH does agree.

DH and I have separate finances, we pay bills jointly and anything like family holidays together but the rest is separate, inc savings.

DH has been making noises for a while about wanting to convert our loft into a 5th bedroom so that everyone can have their own rooms, he feels as though this would encourage DSC to stay more too.

I was open to the idea but we recently had someone in to do a quote and it is a LOT of work and therefore a lot of money. We could technically afford it but it would eat practically the entirety of both of our savings.

DH is still keen to proceed, I do not want to. I am not against DSC having their own rooms and if it was do able and financially viable, I would. But I don't agree that it's worth practically everything we have in our savings accounts and to be honest, I do feel a bit resentful that I am expected to fork out everything I have too so that DSC can have another room. Imo I don't believe it will make any real difference to the amount of time spent here, I don't agree it's solely down to not wanting to share, they are getting older, especially the 15 (nearly 16yo) who spends nearly every evening and weekend with friends now.

I don't think it's worth my savings to have extensive work done to the house for an extra bedroom that in all reality is probably only going to be used semi regularly for a few more years.

There is other work we could use that money for, like a new kitchen / landscaping the garden and it isn't worth it imo.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable not to want to spend my savings on this, I think he's unreasonable expecting me to without question. He says it benefits me as well because the house will ultimately be worth more with a 5th bedroom, which I appreciate but we don't intend to move anyway any time soon.

OP posts:
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TheCurious0range · 26/04/2025 09:39

I think the summer house is a good idea, properly insulated, heat, light etc, not as a bedroom, but as a study space/hang out so they can have space away from each other if necessary, I'd imagine they'd also like to invite friends over to hang out in there, even better if you give them some input into how to decorate it etc

CanelliniBeans · 26/04/2025 09:38

It’s difficult and I can see both sides. But ultimately if your children were spending three nights a week in another house how would you feel about the bedroom issue? It’s true that as they get older they might visit less, but then they might visit more again and possibly with a partner in tow. I think there’s a danger they will be put off by the bedroom sharing situation and that will mean they see less of their dad which is not right.

justkeepswimingswiming · 26/04/2025 09:38

What a waste of money, it’s different if they decide to live with you or spend the majority of their time with you. But for 1-2 days a week? No.

Lookingtomakechanges · 26/04/2025 09:38

DevnDwellr · 26/04/2025 09:35

I knew someone who divided a large room in to two. The same scenario with no window being in one of the newly split rooms. They had an obscure window along a proportion of the top of the wall which gave natural light and had a fitted blind for the option of light and dark too. Worked really well. Good as well as the room was easy to convert back in to the lovely large room it was originally.

What about ventilation? Sounds stuffy in the room with no window especially in hot weather.

HelenWheels · 26/04/2025 09:37

sharing a room is common

Zanatdy · 26/04/2025 09:36

I think the downstairs room is the obvious solution. Yes you’ll have less space, but you married a man who had 2 DC already and had 2 more. I feel for your DH as he wants his home to feel more like a home for his DC and you’re refusing all suggestions. The downstairs room won’t cost much and it’s not forever. You need to compromise, not a flat out no to everything.

BreakingGood48 · 26/04/2025 09:35

How long have you been together? Seems like you missed the boat on this? Did they originally have their own rooms and then when your children come along they didn't? If so maybe you should have done the loft conversion for your children's bedrooms when they came along. Or are your children not DH's and you bought a house knowing only your children could have their own rooms?

SonK · 26/04/2025 09:35

I think you are being a little unreasonable as the step children should also have their own room each.

However, you shouldn't have to use your own savings. Your partner should sort that all out himself

DevnDwellr · 26/04/2025 09:35

I knew someone who divided a large room in to two. The same scenario with no window being in one of the newly split rooms. They had an obscure window along a proportion of the top of the wall which gave natural light and had a fitted blind for the option of light and dark too. Worked really well. Good as well as the room was easy to convert back in to the lovely large room it was originally.

TheGamblersGone · 26/04/2025 09:35

The majority of these blended families on Mumsnet are a disaster. I had no views on them prior to joining Mumsnet and now I think they’re completely unfair to the children

WimbyAce · 26/04/2025 09:35

If you don't want to do the loft conversion then I would try the downstairs idea, sounds like the best compromise.

beesandstrawberries · 26/04/2025 09:34

I shared a room with my sister from the age of 13 and I resented mt parents for it. I couldn’t have friends over, when I got a boyfriend - I couldn’t have him over too. I couldn’t have the freedom to grow up with independence. When I wanted to cry, I couldn’t do that in my bedroom. When I wanted to get changed I would have to go to the bathroom instead of doing it in the bedroom. I couldn’t have the freedom of studying for my GCSEs at home in my room and my grades suffered.

sharing a room is great for some, but if they’ve expressed freedom then it’s not working if for them. Don’t be surprised when the children choose to spend less time at dads house because they don’t have their personal freedom and when they resent dad (and you) for the other kids being treated better than they are

Vettrianofan · 26/04/2025 09:34

CanYouTurnItDown · 26/04/2025 09:30

I work with a young lad who describes this exact scenario as being kicked out to live in the garden when he was a teenager. Perhaps that sounds a bit over dramatic but that’s how he felt, while step siblings were in the house.

Show quote history

That's a crap suggestion! Sorry but it really is. Talk about isolating the poor kid.

TheCurious0range · 26/04/2025 09:33

When I was 15/16 I started going to my dad's less and less because I had social plans every weekend and a part time job, I felt horribly guilty even though he assured me it was fine and I should go out with my friends, if he'd just built an extension for me I would've felt terrible

ETA it was nothing to do with how welcome I felt, I was always welcome, my dad didn't even have a live in partner and I had space of my own. Teenagers just have other things going on at that age, I didn't see my mum extra I was just busy

Radra · 26/04/2025 09:33

If the DH funded the conversion, would he also get to own more of the house or would the OP still expect to own it 50:50? I don't think you can have that both ways

Vettrianofan · 26/04/2025 09:33

Leafy3 · 26/04/2025 09:25

Windows can be moved. Get quotes for dividing their existing room into two, with a window for each.

If you ensure the windows remain centrally positioned in the wall for each bedroom, then the symmetry will mean future owners can knock the bedrooms through to create one again without awkwardly placed windows.

Skylight windows are are a good alternative too.

It'll probably be cheaper than a loft conversion so you protect your savings and your step children and husband are happier.

Still more expensive than just using a reception room as a bedroom. Why spend money when you don't need to?

BlossomOfOrange · 26/04/2025 09:32

Georgey0 · 26/04/2025 08:43

I've suggested this loads of times, he doesn't like the idea because one would end up without a window on one side, which I understand too but it doesn't need to be a permanent structure, even just a sliding curtain or door could work.

The room absolutely is big enough to split but there is only one window in the centre so difficult to separate with an official wall.

I am not against DSC having their own room, but I don't want to spend all of my money on doing so, I was willing to do it but the cost is significantly more than we were expecting due to the work required unfortunately.

It can often be less than 3 nights a week now too, which I don't see changing much even if they did have their own rooms.

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Would adding a window be doable?

CanYouTurnItDown · 26/04/2025 09:30

Meowee · 26/04/2025 09:29

Get your garden landscaped and add a summer house that can be used as a self contained office/bedroom

I work with a young lad who describes this exact scenario as being kicked out to live in the garden when he was a teenager. Perhaps that sounds a bit over dramatic but that’s how he felt, while step siblings were in the house.

Ophy83 · 26/04/2025 09:30

Have you considered whether the one window could be taken out of the double bedroom and replaced with 2 windows and a dividing wall?

Calliopespa · 26/04/2025 09:30

JollyLilacBee · 26/04/2025 09:24

I’d split their current room with IKEA Kallax units, cheap and will give plenty of storage. They don’t need the partition to be floor to ceiling, surely

Nah…it’s fine if the walls don’t actually touch the ceiling. Why would they need a normal room? They’re only SC. 🙄

Fearfulsaints · 26/04/2025 09:30

Miaowzabella · 26/04/2025 09:22

I think the person who chose to have four children should pay for the extra room.

I assume op was aware she had 2 step children living with her 3 days a week when she went for the fourth child.

I am slightly curious if the step children were already sharing at that point and there was a spare room, or if they were asked to start sharing for the new baby.

ClarasSisters · 26/04/2025 09:29

Georgey0 · 26/04/2025 08:46

But this is exactly my point, this is clearly starting to change as they are getting older now. Some weeks it's much less than that and I don't think it's because of the bedrooms, they are just getting older (especially eldest who often cba to move between houses anymore).

Show quote history

Maybe also to do with how welcome you're making them feel Confused
It's their home too.

Meowee · 26/04/2025 09:29

Get your garden landscaped and add a summer house that can be used as a self contained office/bedroom

gamerchick · 26/04/2025 09:28

Could you maybe think of it as adding value to your house or something instead? Another room can be useful.

Cloudyvibes · 26/04/2025 09:28

I would be on the same page as you regarding not making the younger 2 of the children share when they live there full time regardless of whose children they are.

Do your step children have their own room at the mums?

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