Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

Off topic, but 6 months? The neighbours behind have begun a loft conversion this week. It’s not directly behind but I’m hoping it won’t take 6 months! I’m sure it won’t, they work til almost 9pm, never seen anything like it!

I can see both sides but given the cost and disruption of a loft conversion would be keen to avoid this unless the likely increase in house value justified the work.

Really good Murphy bed in the downstairs room seems like the quickest and simplest solution. With the agreement that everyone else will only use the more open living/family area when it is needed as a bedroom.

Would it be feasible to alter the double bedroom by changing one window into two to ensure each part could have a window when it was divided. That would also be quicker and cheaper than the loft conversion.

A fifth bedroom in the loft doesn’t automatically mean the house has greater value. You will lose space on the main floor for stairs and storage space in the loft. If you don’t have proportional car parking (unless you are in a city or have good public transport) then that will also count against it.

could you not look at a garden room / snug that ‘could be used as a bedroom for one of them if they wanted to but mainly as a place to hang put to encourage them over - may not be as disruptive as a loft conversion, will benefit your children long term or you, and not nearly as costly. If done well it could add value. But that depends on the size of your garden.

to be honest, was it not your husband’s responsibility to ensure he had a property big enough to house his children from previous relationship before having more children with yourself? It’s not your problem tbh. I agree that your children live there 100 percent of the time and I would prioritise them too.

I'd reconsider if there was a way to use the second reception room as a bedroom, TBH it's probably not going to be forever, possibly a few years at most and it won't take any structural work so therefore your DSC can still have some space of their own and it can easily be reverted back to a lounge in the future.

I think the loft conversion could be a waste of money, as you say the DSC are getting older, not stopping over so much so you may well find the loft room won't be used much once built anyway.
No point in having another room sat empty.

Staying three nights a week is not exactly hardly ever being there. Maybe one day they might want to stay more nights or live there all the time - it is their father's home after all. I think it's admirable (and a totally normal reaction of a loving parent) that their father wants to improve things for them - you need to find a solution, loft extension or not. The fact other families have children sharing rooms is totally irrelevant - your own two don't, so the situation is not fair.

(You aren't selling hotel rooms, you don't make a loss from the unoccupied nights.)

We don't have a massive flat, but as the children have got older, ours is the place that other children come to stay over at. I love this.

When you imagine what it will be like when your kids are teens, would you like to be the one hosting ? In which case, I'd do the conversion. It will encourage DSC to stay more, even have their friends over, and it will continue when your children are their ages- but you will also have more space.

I think the issue here is that you shared, presumably as there was no alternative and you knew no different.

In this situation, the children also have another home with thier own rooms.

If you, as a teen, had a choice if a home where you had your own room, you may well have started to prefer that home stopped visiting the other home as much (alongside the spending time with friends)

The dad is feeling sad about that. He is wanting a space they want to visit. he's probably half hoping if they do go to uni, they chose to stay with him for a big chunk of thier holidays not just drop by for lunch.

I'm not saying spending all the savings on a loft conversion is right, I think thier are cheaper solutions buy its an emotion from the dad based on missing his children. He wants to make them want to be there when they have alternatives.

It's fine for them to share. Presumably they don't/won't always stay over on the same nights either. One is almost an adult. I agree with you.

BUT I think a separate playroom is unnecessary for children who have their own bedrooms in the context of this setup.

what about installing a sun tunnel to bring natural light into the dark room

It’s really sad. Two reception rooms, but oh no, one cannot be used.

They are at their parent’s house over 40% of the time and you think they don’t deserve a room each?

This is why my niece stopped visiting one of her parents. “She isn’t here much” became a self fulfilling prophecy.

I would give the dsc the 2 smaller bedrooms, and partition the larger bedroom as OP has suggested with a curtain for the 2 younger children - surely this is the cheapest and easiest solution

And it’s the thick-skinned ability of adults to rationalise why it’s reasonable that appalls me.

And it all boils down to adults wanting their own way and children being expected to “put up, shut up,” Apparently children are “resilient” but I’ve seen very few situations where that isn’t simply code for “powerless to do anything about it.”

If all 4 kids were having to share rooms, that would be a different story. As it stands, 50% of them have a private room and access to a playroom for their needs. The other 50% are sharing a room. Oh and a step parent who thinks a landscape gardener is a better use of her money than creating equal spaces

Thats the issue. Preferential treatment

This. Sorry YABU.

Personally I’d have my children share the biggest bedroom or I’d divide the big bedroom in a clever way.

I think you’re being massively unreasonable, they are equal to your children in importance. I’d wager you’d be wanting the 5th bedroom if it was YOUR children who spent 50% of their time there. You’re focusing on the financial aspect of it too much, not the wider family implications.

This happens all the time for lots of people though step children or not !

you have how many bedrooms you have and that’s it for a lot of people!

my husband shared with his brother until he moved out - and his sister and other brother always had own rooms.

Or...just use one of the downstairs rooms as a bedroom where no money needs to be wasted/invested.

It’s a bit silly because by the time a loft conversion is approved, contractors lined up and the work is done and finished, oldest stepson will probably be 18 and maybe off to uni. If not then an adult who is less likely to constantly switch between staying with mum/dad.

You shouldn’t have to pay towards it, I can see why your h thinks it’s a good idea and just wants to see his sons more but this shouldn’t be at your expense, especially as it may not even solve the issue of them coming less - that’s probably natural as they progress towards adulthood.

You seriously are suggesting that the OP’s SC have it lucky because they are living their lives between 2 houses, whereas the OP’s BC have it hard with their private rooms and separate playroom?

You need to be careful with those mental gymnastics or you’ll do yourself a mischief

You say your SC stay 3 nights a week, that's a LOT!
If you have the play room/area downstairs why not make that into a bedroom? Let your kids play in their bedrooms**
Kids don't need playrooms**
This is the best solution.

It's honestly so depressing. So many threads from adults who chose a situation, resentful towards children who didn't. Feeling like they aren't wanted and don't have a home anywhere, what a crap childhood.

It will.add value and if there's even the slightest chance it makes it feel more like home to dsc then I'd do it in a heartbeat if you love your dh, his happiness in having all his children around him is surely something that you'd want?