Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

Awful.

Sorry but why do they have to have a room for guests? Very offensive to the majority of families who can afford houses that barely meet their own sleep needs without the luxuries of extra space. Get real

Wake op and listen to you.
There is many red flags going on... Listen to your gut.

No, it’s her husband’s responsibility.

On MN that usually means the step children getting exactly what they want, which is hardly equal.

Grazeboard

If I meet someone with kids, they automatically become my kids once we cement our relationship, my home is THEIR home, everything I have I will SHARE with them, they are a part of me and I will do whatever it takes to make them HAPPY, comfortable and have a 'home from home' until they go home.

Of course, everyone is a perfect parent (or step-parent) until they have children 😂so well done you.

If nothing else, how bizarre to want to put your own children aside and not prioritise them. How ridiculous to pretend you would meet mteenagers and suddenly feel exactly the same for them as your own children.

On an anonymous forum, it's so easy. Maybe don't try it in real life, you are in for a massive shock if you are even genuine.

I personally would do the loft if you can afford it you are totally right it is expensive and an upheaval (we’ve recently done ours) but it has also added value to our house as well as allowing our children to have their own rooms even though 2 of them could have easily shared as same sex/small age gap.
i would put a master bedroom and a bathroom in the loft and have the children on the lower floor if they aren’t of an age that need you frequently in the night.
3 nights a week is not an insignificant amount of time and having a guest room is handy anyway if you have family to stay or use it as extra income.
You don’t want a bedroom downstairs, you don’t want to do the loft, you don’t sound like you are offering any flexibility and if I was your husband I would resent that a little.

a 4yo and 7yo can share for a couple of years. At that age, my children only used the bedrooms for sleeping and a bit of play after evening bath. Teenagers do need their own space and will use it.

do the younger ones have a playroom?

Well, the logical thing would be for people not to have second families, wouldn't it? That's not how life woks though, emotions do come into it.

I would have the second reception room as a bedroom for the oldest dsc but with a comfy but fold up bed so it can revert to a reception room when they are not around. That means no empty rooms. All renovation is much more expensive now and dsc might prefer their dad to help them more with a house deposit instead.

Oh I’ll tell that to the many young people I work with who continue to be affected by these dynamics into adulthood. Who struggle with feeling not good enough, like they weren’t valued or loved, like their parents prioritized the new kids needs over their own. The people whose relationships into adulthood are affected by feeling that they don’t deserve to be treated well.

I’ll just tell them ‘you’re too emotional about this stuff, it’s a logical / financial decision because your step mum wanted a new kitchen / landscape gardener’

People saying “oh it’ll add value to your property, why wouldn’t you have it converted”…
Well for starters you’ve clearly never lived in a house having a loft conversion done - it’s not a quick bit of boarding out and painting. Weeks/months of disruption and even with the best builders there is mess and dust that gets everywhere. There are almost always extra costs.
It doesn’t guarantee an increase in property value - taking a 2 bed to a 3 bed, it probably will. Taking a 4 bed to a 5 bed, maybe not - what’s the demand for 5 beds in the area etc?
Biggest of all: it will eat up all of both of their savings. This is critical - savings are a safety net, a buffer. There are regularly posts on here of people panicking when something goes wrong and they haven’t the means to fix it. Boiler packs up? Car bites the dust? Someone loses their job? If all of their savings are gone then they’re in one seriously precarious position.

I would however, talk to the SC (they’re old enough) and ask them what they would like before making any kind of decision on reconfiguring rooms. What do they actually need space wise, would one of them be happy in the downstairs room? (Lots of people don’t like downstairs bedrooms) How would they like their existing room divided up if possible. Bring them into the conversation instead of Dad assuming that a loft conversion etc is the answer.

They may not be permanent residents, but it should feel as much their house as their step siblings, and obviously it doesn't with this situation -they are being treated like guests.

It was your decision to get with a man who already had two children and bring another two children into the mix. Your step children are at tricky ages, I think you need to accommodate them. Realistically, it'll only be for three years or so.

You’ll be adding to the value of your home

you say their room can’t be split, but can the master bedroom be split and you move in to their room as you say it’s so big

do you DC have so many toys that they have their own rooms AND a play room?

I can see why the DSC are wanting to spend less time there as you sound like you don’t make them feel very at home/wanted there if you’re not willing to compromise in any way for them

Is so the loft conversion, if you can afford it, as it would add value to your house. Maybe with an agreement with your husband that he will contribute more to refilling your savings afterwards.

Surely rooms being “sat empty” matters less than children’s feelings.

This is utterly bonkers. She did not agree to sign over all her money to her husband to do with as he pleases when she got married. She is still an autonomous human in her own right. They have separate finances which is a completely legitimate way of structuring a marriage.

And he won’t go ahead with his wishes regardless- because he needs her money to do it.

No, it's a judgement based on experience.

but that is your feeling, clouding your judgement

I think perhaps there are much greater tragedies in terms of humanity going on in the world to concern yourself with at the moment but you do you.
I say this as someone who’s oldest daughter has a stepfather ( my husband) .. she sadly does not have parental responsibility and as much as I am sure she cares for her step children it is not legally her concern or something she has influence over. It is her husbands responsibility and their mothers that they are housed suitably. He knew when he had further children what he had to do.. it should have been sorted years ago but it is not the OPs job to use her personal and separate money to finance this. She does however have a responsibility to her children.

i think this thread has too much emotion posts, it is a logical situation as well as financial

Are either SC in years 10-13? If yes, then they need quiet private space to study until they finish school.

Why not? The ones that are there 100% don't have the inconvenience of having separated parents, their things spread over two homes, the upheaval of trying to live in two homes with all the disruption that brings.

Step children/step parent threads ALWAYS validate how shit I felt growing up as a stepchild.

Most people couldn't give a shit and boil everything down to rooms and holidays and amounts given at Christmas

You really don’t think sharing a room plays a part? If they have their own room at home?

ok…

You could find out how much value the extra bedroom would give your property if you were to sell with 5 beds rather than 4. It might be worth the effort for future investment. Two guests rooms or one office, and guest room.

If it is your forever home then all these children will eventually have families and partners of their own and you’ll be able to host them all at the same time.

I’ve got a different but similar issue in that my eldest two daughters are barely home but my youngest is in the box room and neither of the older ones is willing to swap. Part of the problem is it is so expensive for them to move out so they flit between their partners house and mine.