Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

I did it, the step kids are now in their 40s, do I get to have an opinion? Or is there another reason you’d like to discount it?

@BownnTown doesn’t matter how it looks as an adult, the SC will always feel excluded. Just my opinion of course; yours is equally valid but the point of this site is for OP to ask for opinions!

Can you extend your home downstairs and have a sofa bed for one of them and then the whole family can use the room when they are not there.
I wouldn't use all your savings because I know teenagers plans change etc.

I think you’re being very unreasonable, you’ve said no to everything your DH has suggested and everyone’s suggestions on here. I can see why DH wouldn’t want to split their rooms if it would leave one room without a window. Could you swap rooms with them and split your “master” room instead so they can have their own bedrooms (assuming your master has two windows)?

You have to compromise on this but you seem totally unwilling to compromise in a way that will affect yours or your children’s comfort (even very slightly), whilst not caring that their time staying at yours every week is spent in discomfort.

To me the easiest solution is to make the downstairs room a second bedroom (perhaps with a very comfortable sofa bed if you want to use it while they’re staying at mums). It’s their home too but you’re treating them like second class family.

One of your kids in the double (room for both to play)
one of step children in play room
new garden room which becomes new play room for all the kids (so put a ping pong table or darts so DSC feel equally welcome )

I read all your posts OP, and wondering why you posted, other than to get a load of posters supporting your position.

YABVU for this I do not want DD or DS having to share a room in their only home

As if the DSC have chosen to flit between homes like billionaire celebs.

I agree with a pp who said that you and your dh choosing to have a 4th child is what has created this.

I am not against same sex sibs sharing, but your attitude is off, as if somehow the dsc are less deserving of their own space because they only stay a few times a week. It sounds like there is plenty of space for you to make a meaningful adjustment for them.

@Notgoodatpoetrybutgreatatlit my DD ended up deciding against student accommodation because it was all grim and expensive for what the space offered.

I feel sad for the stepchildren. You have the same attitude that my dad’s wife did.

If both parents have the same attitude that they are only here 3/4 days a week, let’s not treat them equally, then they will never feel at home anywhere. That is so sad. Thankfully my mum and stepdad did it think that way!

I would look at the downstairs bedroom option, or the possibility of a garden room that you can say is the teen den when they are there and then doubles up as a study or office. They clearly want a space for themselves but a loft renovation is really expensive and can be major work. It could add quite a bit to the property value though, the 5 beds with lift exptensions near us are 200k more than the unextended ones.
But if you dont want tge expense then a garden room or the downstairs room could be good for them, a teen den area would give them a second space if they wanted to be apart but private, give them somewhere to hang out and watch tv etc as they are older.

This ⬆️. YABVU, you have different solutions using either the loft space or the cheaper option of using the downstairs space. I think that you need to compromise and think about what your DH and his children would like/need. If you use the downstairs space and the children come less, this could be converted back.

I'd be very nervous having no savings that were easy to access in this current economic climate and with the state of the nhs.

I appreciate many have no savings anyway, but op does.

Rather than a loft conversion if you were going to spend quite a lot of money on changing the house, could you add a downstairs extension that would increase your kitchen / playroom space whatever you chose and then freed up a downstairs room as a bedroom. This could be turned back in the future if it wasn't getting much use and also it would add value to the house by increasing the downstairs and make your life nicer as you would have a new downstairs space. Obviously I don't know how feasible a downstairs extension is, but I think it might be a more effective way of spending that money if you were going to do something.

@Georgey0 is there any chance you could draw out the floor plan of both up & downstairs. Actually seeing how your space is currently laid out might help some clever MNer come up with a doable option you’ve not thought of.

either way. Good luck to you. It’s always hard to balance everyone’s needs. And kids are not always the best at seeing a situation as the best over all for everyone when there can be so much sibling comparisons/ perfectly normal levels of jealousy.

I think changing one of the downstairs rooms to a bedroom is the best idea. If this was the other way round and it was your children you were trying to accommodate you would be annoyed with the husband for saying they should just continue to share and it's only for a few years.

It would surely be a lot cheaper to make the playroom into a private room and section it off and I imagine a quicker job that a full on loft conversion.

I already have doughnut, and they're my life! 🥰🤣

Not everyone is as shallow minded as you Miss, some of us are 'socially adept' enough to understand the difference between an 'adult and a child', & not let our hidden, 'bitter' feelings (if any!) cloud our judgement.

Sounds to me like some unlucky womans' kids have been around you and your contempt for them is evident smdh. Cry about it, I said what I said 🙂

This.

I can't understand why a solution that makes everyone else happy, and adds value onto your house is being ignored. Savings will rebuild again over time. In the end it could be worth more than she puts in. Just seems like OP doesn't want to use her money for something that directly benefits her husband's children and is ignoring that it will benefit her down the line as well.

Could you offer what you originally thought your share of the cost would be and him pay the difference?

Do you have room in the garden for an annexe/ garden room that they could sleep in? Less money, less mess.....

We looked into doing our loft and it was eye-wateringly expensive, we decided against for that reason.
It's obviously great that your husband wants his children to be comfortable but when they launch into the real world they need to be adaptable young men . For example I live near New Cross in London we have a Russell group university here, Goldsmiths, and their halls of residence are right on the main road and are are small and expensive. It must be a shock to some students.
I'm from Cambridge and I have family who work in the colleges and boy are their student rooms bleak! One of the colleges Emmauel is physically part of the bus station for example.
And the Royal Navy do some work in the school I am employed in currently and the sleeping arrangements for newly enlisted sailors are also not all that great. A windowless but still private room in a comfortable house is luxury in comparison. I think your husband may need to be realistic here.

How is that awful?! Only one has parental responsibility and financial responsibility ( they have separate finances as well!) and it’s not her.

I think you should properly investigate all the ways you might be able to give the DSC their own bedrooms and show your DH that you are taking this seriously. To you they are stepchildren, to him they are just his children. They will still be his children (and potentially want a home with him) in 5/10/20 years time.

You are focusing on bedrooms being unused sometimes, rather than on adding value to your home/making the teenagers not feel like visitors. Are your savings actually going to give a better return than investing in your property.

Get more quotes for the loft conversion. Do it without dormer windows. Look at reconfiguring your current bedrooms. Look at different ways to use the rooms downstairs. Would a daybed in the playroom be an option?

I couldn't get myself too upset about this and I wouldn't spend my savings or start messing about with room partitions and window changes. I'd give one dc the playroom, the other 3 could have a room upstairs. You probably want the younger ones on the same floor as you so one of the dsc would have to sleep downstairs. Draw lots to allocate the rooms fairly and maybe swap every year so they all get a turn in the double room. That seems kind of obvious to me.

If the idea of a downstairs bedroom is a complete anathema to you consider a wall mounted fold down bed so when they aren't there it looks like a cupboard. These are great. I lived in a studio for 3 years which had one of these. Folded down it took up pretty much the whole room. Folded up I had a sitting room. I loved it. They are proper beds, not uncomfortable like sofa beds.

In the interests of having a happy life don't let petty stuff like this destroy you. The dsc are nearly grown up, they'll be gone in a few years and your DH will miss them. Make them feel welcome and foster a good relationship with them. You only get one life. Is it really worth wrecking your marriage over a play room?

I’d really love to see the reaction if this was the reverse and it was a step father posting.

I think YABU but just because you don’t want the loft option or the downstairs option, so in reality you just don’t want any viable option. And then you mention “his kids”, which also makes it sounds like you don’t see them quite as part of your family.

Personally, I’d do the loft. One of them is 13 so you’re looking at potentially another 10 years coming over. And even if they don’t, then your kids will have an awesome room to hang out at or one of them might want to move into it.

I think the downstairs room idea would wear down quickly just because of the noise around it once the household wakes up and is using the spaces nearby.

Is everyone like, really rich on this thread? It’s as if some posters have never lived in a world where siblings share bedrooms? We don’t all have big, sprawling houses.

Anyway, I moved everything around in my house and sacrificed the DC’s comfort who actually lives here full time so that same sex DSC could have their own rooms. And then they decided not to really stay anyway due to constant ‘plans’ elsewhere.