Another bedroom one. Disagree with DH, AIBU?

just thought i'd add my 10p into the debate on when kids stop wanting to go to dads...

my 16yo has told me this morning she is done with spending EOW at her Dads, she doesn't mind if he wants to have her over for dinner once in a while, but she wants to stay here at home and stop doing overnights at her Dads for now.. she may think about it again in a few months.
My 18yo is also making similar noises, but he is not quite there yet.

Yes they do have their own rooms there.

Yes my DCs were the first family treated badly in the new family by their SM and she was totally enabled by their DF - who did not want to rock the boat.

It got worse! When DF and SM had a child together, they decided to ask DCs if they wanted to move rooms into the playroom. They not surprisingly said yes. Two visits later - she decided she wanted the playroom/their room, for the new DC and the laundry room was converted into the playroom for her DCs, My DCS kicked out of their room and back into the new laundry/playroom! My DCS got to fold up their duvets put them in a black plastic bag and shove them under the stairs as they left.
The bribery to get them to go down there after that was unbelievable.

My point on this post is - teenagers can and will express their opinions and most realise if discussed with them, that everything they would like, they may not get. I just do not like OPs attitude - which is No to everything. Hers and their DFs house they need to come up with an answer and it may be No but explain it, understand what they are asking for is understandable and not speak about them like entitled brats.

It's more a teens thing than a SC thing.

It’s making me lol on this thread how people think SC will feel more valued and part of the family if they have their own room IN THE GARDEN as opposed to sharing in the house🤣

I suggest building a garden room but not to necessarily use as a bedroom, just as a social space - either for both or for just the oldest, and the younger one gets more space in the shared bedroom. They can then decorate it how they want and use it as a hangout space with friends. Most teens I know would like this more than two separate small bedrooms. Great for resale as well as so many people use them for home offices.
If you can include a loo as well even better.

I think you’re being quite short-sighted about this OP.

Many DC are now living with their parents throughout their 20s, due to the cost of housing, so you potentially have a decade more of this living situation.

You have the opportunity now to adapt your home and make it suitable for the four DC that you have now AND it will future proof it (to an extent).

When your eldest SC comes home from uni with a bf in tow, would you expect them to share with their sibling then? When they want sleepovers with their mates, need peace and quiet to study for their GCSEs/A-Levels/Coursework etc, wouldn’t it make sense for them to have their own area to do that?

These DC live in THEIR home with you, and you have the opportunity to make it more homely for them; I’m not sure why you would be unwillingly to do this.

If the finances are a factor, you could “loan” your DH the money for the home improvement and have your DH “pay you back” over a period of time. Seems a weird way for a committed couple to work, but 🤷‍♀️

I think you need to do 1 of the things that DH suggests @Georgey0

Either sacrifice some downstairs space or the financial investment in a loft conversion. Can the master be split into 2 rooms and you and dh move into the 2nd room?

I'm with you OP I'd not do it either. If they was younger then yes I'd do it but by the time it's done the oldest will probably not be coming round as much as will want to stay out with mates, might prefer to stay with mum full time, in a few years maybe renting a place of their own. Then the younger SC won't be too far behind. I'd not but all my savings into a space that won't be used for more than a few years.

I don't think giving SC their own bedroom will definately encourage them to come more often, we moved to a bigger house so my SC who came every other weekend had their own bedroom rather than sharing with their sister (our shared child) but soon after we moved they decided not to come over anymore. They don't have their own bedroom at mum's, they share with mum. So them having their own room isn't a magical tool that will make them want to come more often so I'd not put all my money into it.

Yes it was just a word, but very telling..,

I'm interested in whether the people saying that the DH should pay for it all also think the increase in the value of the house should also be his to keep (i.e. that they should then own the house in unequal shares)

And I also find a bit ridiculous the suggestion that children don't "need" their own rooms so they shouldn't get them. Don't we all get our children many many things they don't "need"? The OP's children don't need their own rooms right now either but they have them. If it comes to that, the OP doesn't "need" a separate lounge.

The OP and her DH can afford to have a house that gives all the children space and privacy so they should find a way to do that.

I think a loft conversion is a good idea for the long term because 4 children is a lot and thinking ahead to the future when they have partners and children, I think they will enjoy the space. But if they would rather not spend the money at this stage, a proper bit of remodeling to get two rooms out of the large room would be sensible or the garden room

Or get a stud wall put in to separate the playroom from the kitchen and use it as a bedroom. This would be a fraction of the cost of a loft conversion.

Also, wonder if there is a garage? We converted the garage into and extra bedroom for one of ours and it was a very inexpensive way of creating the space.

'Visiting'? Interesting view.

I think I’m agreeing with you … it’s the children who don’t belong to the current wife who tend to be mistreated in these situations. That was my point. Mostly because most dads are more interested in appeasing whomsoever they are currently sleeping with than in protecting the children of the woman they once slept with.

Op’s DH sounds a refreshing exception.

3 nights a week is a lot. It's not a night every other weekend.

Its fine to disregard the loft extension if too expensive, but I think you need to consider other options such as the downstairs room.

We have done similar for the step children. In my opinion you have to go over and above in blended families to make sure everyone feels equally treated.

That’s disgusting but hang on a minute: if this was with their stepmum then your Dc are presumably the first family?

It's not a wild idea. Just not a necessary expense in some people's view. If that's what he wants, he should go for it. He's the one who had 4 children.

I think that’s why her DH suggested a loft.

I think he’s trying to create a family home that caters for everyone, and I’m not sure I see it as the wild idea that some do.

Garden room sounds like the obvious choice if the older DSC is happy to sleep there. Plus it’s always a useful space to have that could be used as home office or spare guest room in the future. I don’t think they cost a fortune to put up either.

@Finallylostit dear lord. That's absolutely awful! What was the excuse for not giving them a bedroom to share? Did their father go along with this?

IRL I cannot think of a single example of second family children who get “shoved in a cupboard.”

Please feel free to ask my 2 DCS who in a 5 bedroom house, with their SM having 2 children, hers got a room each and a play room, my 2 slept in the laundry room.
It was completely fair that they had to share a small double bed with their own new duvet covers on the bed and it was perfectly reasonable that SM would put the washing machine on when they were in bed. It was perfectly reasonable for them to turn up at their fathers to find the laundry all over their bed and be expected to pile it up so they could go to sleep.

Things like this never happen in real life!

So, very soon, the DC will have to sleep separately. What happens then?
Plus, they're sharing a room when there are 2 free bedrooms? I can't see that as fair.

Equally I don’t think little pre-pubescent children sharing a room is such an issue - even if the same sex.

I DO think having some children sharing while others “will NOT be giving up their rooms” is indicative of a problematic dynamic.

Its less about the fact of sharing and more about the imbalance in treatment.

The SDCs have said they wished they did not have to share - not thrown a strop, got miffed but expressed an opinion on their living arrangements at their fathers. The extrapolations on their behaviour and entitlement on this thread are unbelievable.
i shared with my sister, it had to happen but did not mean I liked it. My brother got his own room and it felt like I was the only one who did not have a bit of the house that was just mine. She got to walk through my space to access the built in wardrobe and to get to her side. Woe betide me if I crossed into her side of the room!

I think we can all relate to wanting to be able to go into a room and shut the door and know that is our little haven 3 days of the week. The eldest is coming over less because she has nowhere to sit with her friends and gossip - sadly their DF is going to have to accept that for financial reasons and his DP does not want to spend monies on improving/ adding value to the house.

A lot of people always misunderstand on these threads why so many many (and that in itself should be a clue) stick up for the first children.

Because - this thread is written BY the step mum asking for advice and specifically on their opening posts present a scenario whereby their own kids are front and centred.

so many people stick up for the step kids - the first kids come first brigade - in these specific situations BECAUSE the op doesn’t seem to be thinking about their best interests at all. And certainly not treating them as they would their own. Which your argument is they’re not.

so, we are advocating for the step kids, because the adult in the home they live in - and it is through no fault of their own that they have two - who has made choices, more kids, which suit herself but obviously not them - doesn’t.

The SC aren't being abused and sleeping on cinders. They have a bedroom. I've no idea why it's a problem, but then I don't think children of the same sex sharing a bedroom is an issue, but obviously people disagree.