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Original poster

Autism or a normal social faux pas

69 replies

ParentofPremie · 26/04/2025 07:48

My DS5 is undergoing assessment for ASD and one of the questions is "does he understand different rules in different situations".

The other day he tried to cut his friends hair. The teacher told him off. He genuinely didn't understand what he'd done wrong. When I spoke to him in a calm manner later, he explained that his dad cuts his hair and he cuts his dad's hair so he genuinely wasn't sure what the problem was. We had a chat around different rules in different circumstances. He wasn't able to explain this to the teacher, perhaps because he was confused at her anger.

Is this sort of thing normal confusion? I thought "you know what, he has a point". But is this the sort of thing a "NT" child would be able to pick up?

Other things he struggles with are sayings like at preschool parents used to greet their kids with a "I missed you so much I'm going to eat you up" and he'd burst into tears. Since then he's learned that people say odd things, so when someone said "my throat is burning" he asked "what do you mean?" Rather than getting upset.

In each of these instances, I can see what he means! Until his teacher brought it up I just thought it was a normal thing for small children as they were learning about the world. But do other children pick up on nuances of human interactions more easily?

OP posts:
latelydaydreams · 26/04/2025 08:44

I’ve had a look at your other thread.

It reminds me a lot of DS when he was younger. He is Autistic and was a prem baby.

I was constantly being told by the teacher that they wanted to have a word. It was particularly bad at the start of terms.

DS still finds some things difficult, and I really struggled with the idea of diagnosis, but in many ways it has made life much easier. It really helps when trying to understand how he thinks about things.

I totally agree @Wearealldoingourbest that the WAY that he manages things is totally different to the way that someone NT would.

he’s absolutely amazing, an all round good human and I wouldn’t change him ( or his world view) for anything.

Original poster
ParentofPremie · 26/04/2025 08:41

Wearealldoingourbest · 26/04/2025 08:28

IMO the "I'm going to eat you up" misunderstanding and the confusion about what he did wrong with hair cutting does lean towards ND.

There are a lot of ND people in my family but my DH and DS are both very NT and one of the differences that fascinate me is how quickly they both pick up on tone and emotion over actual words, and how quick they are to accept that social rules exist without needing to know WHY. It's a real social cohesion thing. For example my DS could have cut a friend's hair, that's not wildly unusual behaviour for a 5 year old, but he wouldn't necessarily have been confused at the the teacher being angry. He would probably just be sad about making a mistake and getting told off. He would probably accept that there was a rule he wasn't aware of (or that he'd ignored!) and that he'd broken that rule.
Whereas my ND relatives would have much more of a "why am I in trouble?" "you didn't tell me I couldn't do that?" "I don't understand why you're upset" "but that's not consistent with x, y, z?" kind of reaction (which they probably wouldn't voice, because they'd clam up in the face of obvious anger).
It isn't necessarily a bad thing, my ND relatives are less susceptible to peer pressure and more likely to challenge stupid rules. But it does require coaching on awareness of potential areas of conflict, which it sounds like you're already doing well.

Thank you, you worded this perfectly in a way I couldn't. It's like he manually has to understand and file each social rule, why it's there and what it's fair, whereas another child might go "oh okay" and move on

OP posts:
RunLikeTheWild · 26/04/2025 08:31

My dd has ASD and is very literal. When she was younger she took everything literally and even now as a young adult struggles with metaphors and sayings.

HelenWheels · 26/04/2025 08:30

sounds like he takes literally, going to eat you up.
be glad he is having an assessment op

Wearealldoingourbest · 26/04/2025 08:28

IMO the "I'm going to eat you up" misunderstanding and the confusion about what he did wrong with hair cutting does lean towards ND.

There are a lot of ND people in my family but my DH and DS are both very NT and one of the differences that fascinate me is how quickly they both pick up on tone and emotion over actual words, and how quick they are to accept that social rules exist without needing to know WHY. It's a real social cohesion thing. For example my DS could have cut a friend's hair, that's not wildly unusual behaviour for a 5 year old, but he wouldn't necessarily have been confused at the the teacher being angry. He would probably just be sad about making a mistake and getting told off. He would probably accept that there was a rule he wasn't aware of (or that he'd ignored!) and that he'd broken that rule.
Whereas my ND relatives would have much more of a "why am I in trouble?" "you didn't tell me I couldn't do that?" "I don't understand why you're upset" "but that's not consistent with x, y, z?" kind of reaction (which they probably wouldn't voice, because they'd clam up in the face of obvious anger).
It isn't necessarily a bad thing, my ND relatives are less susceptible to peer pressure and more likely to challenge stupid rules. But it does require coaching on awareness of potential areas of conflict, which it sounds like you're already doing well.

MereNoelle · 26/04/2025 08:27

On their own they’re not ‘markers’ for autism and could easily just be a child figuring things out. However there must have been other concerns to trigger the autism assessment process? Alongside other indicators, these things could be significant.

Sherararara · 26/04/2025 08:26

parietal · 26/04/2025 08:23

None of those are things I’d take as markers of autism.

what triggered the autism assessment process?

Agreed. Surely the key point is to monitor behaviour now you’ve spoken to him and see if has learnt and understands.

parietal · 26/04/2025 08:23

None of those are things I’d take as markers of autism.

what triggered the autism assessment process?

Original poster
ParentofPremie · 26/04/2025 08:08

RosesAndHellebores · 26/04/2025 08:05

Why is a five year old.cutting his father's hair?

@ParentofPremie If your child is being offered additional suppprt, the sooner the better for him.

Just a little bit - for fun / to encourage him that the noise of the machine isn't scary so that he lets his hair be cut (his dad shaves his head all over so not much can go wrong)

OP posts:
Campinthe50s · 26/04/2025 08:07

Autism is a complex diagnosis and with such a young child, you really need to let them make the decision.

RosesAndHellebores · 26/04/2025 08:05

Why is a five year old.cutting his father's hair?

@ParentofPremie If your child is being offered additional suppprt, the sooner the better for him.

Livinginavacuum · 26/04/2025 08:05

I'm an older person who has recently been given a diagnosis of autism.
I've struggled with social interaction all my life.

I recognise in myself a great rigidity: I have a set of rules in my head and I feel that's how I, and other people, should act in certain social situations. And the problem for me arises because I try to stick to those rules but of course other people dont: they act in totally individualistic ways according to their own perception of the social situation.

So I can very much relate to your DS but how non ND children pick up human interaction would be hard for me to understand.

The world for me, and always has been, a place where I've been totally out of kilter with the majority of people.

Original poster
ParentofPremie · 26/04/2025 08:05

FallingIsLearning · 26/04/2025 08:03

I think hair-cutting at a young age is relatively common. I know a lot of children who hacked into their own hair.

There was one episode when they were about 6 when I noticed that her friend came to football with an unusual haircut. Her mum said “Yes, it happened at school. They also decided to give each other ‘side fringes’ in class one afternoon”.

When I looked around, she was correct. The other little girls from that school also had matching hair.

Thank you. That's really helpful. I do wonder whether his teacher was disproportionate with her response then, saying you won't be able to come to school if you do this (see my other thread).

OP posts:
FallingIsLearning · 26/04/2025 08:03

I think hair-cutting at a young age is relatively common. I know a lot of children who hacked into their own hair.

There was one episode when they were about 6 when I noticed that her friend came to football with an unusual haircut. Her mum said “Yes, it happened at school. They also decided to give each other ‘side fringes’ in class one afternoon”.

When I looked around, she was correct. The other little girls from that school also had matching hair.

Original poster
ParentofPremie · 26/04/2025 08:01

Happytohelp2 · 26/04/2025 07:58

How old is he? 4 and it would be a NT misunderstanding. 14 and it wouldn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
ParentofPremie · 26/04/2025 08:01

latelydaydreams · 26/04/2025 07:56

Lots of children do hair cutting, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that. I think they more often cut their own though.

Autism can mean that you take things literally, so ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ would mean you’d look out to see the cats and dogs if you don’t know this is an idiom.

He does take things literally but he's learned we sometimes use smilies, metaphors, idioms, weird sayings. We had a good laugh about it where I brought up common sayings like the one you mentioned and we made fun of them.

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 26/04/2025 08:00

Happytohelp2 · 26/04/2025 07:58

How old is he? 4 and it would be a NT misunderstanding. 14 and it wouldn’t.

Second word of the OP

Happytohelp2 · 26/04/2025 07:58

How old is he? 4 and it would be a NT misunderstanding. 14 and it wouldn’t.

latelydaydreams · 26/04/2025 07:56

Lots of children do hair cutting, so I wouldn’t worry too much about that. I think they more often cut their own though.

Autism can mean that you take things literally, so ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ would mean you’d look out to see the cats and dogs if you don’t know this is an idiom.