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Original poster

How much notice is reasonable to be invited to a show?

90 replies

LaurenBacalls · 25/04/2025 22:21

I was really fortunate to receive x2 tickets for a ballet at Christmas. Have been through such a hard time and I’m looking forward. The show is a month today.

I asked my partner if he wanted to come. He is notoriously not a planner and did not give me a straight answer, ‘let’s talk about it soon.’ I also think he isn’t crazy about ballet but I go to concerts of his im not bothered about…

I am a planner and already feel itchy about not having arranged who I will go with and maybe dinner before etc.

What sort of advance notice is reasonable to give a friend if I ask someone else?

OP posts:
Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 27/04/2025 15:04

He finally said ‘I don’t want to watch a ballet’ which is all he should’ve said when I asked.

Im not in a good place just now following job loss and bereavement. I suppose I do think he should be making more of an effort, but I can’t make him.

hopefully my friend says yes and I have a great night.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 27/04/2025 14:59

LaurenBacalls · 27/04/2025 14:43

@Blondeshavemorefun I understand.

But also I go to several things that aren’t my cup of tea with him, like concerts where I’m not bothered about the music, or the pub with his mates when he wants me to.

He always usually comes with me to the theatre, it has became a shared hobby. He never declined before and I’m worried he’s suddenly not wanting to do things with me.

sure Your relationship is fine

but don’t do things that you don’t want to do /be happy

TheShadowOfTheWizard · 27/04/2025 14:52

LaurenBacalls · 27/04/2025 14:27

Isn’t declining with no reason a bit crap?

Show quote history

No... Going when he doesn't want to is crap. He should be allowed to say no, as should you. You're seeming more unreasonable the more the thread goes on (although I was with you at the start)

Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 27/04/2025 14:44

Like a PP says, going forward I’m happy to not bother so much with things he wants me to do. I also don’t want it to end up that we have no shared interests and each become selfish ‘well I don’t feel like it, so I won’t go with you’ people.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 27/04/2025 14:43

@Blondeshavemorefun I understand.

But also I go to several things that aren’t my cup of tea with him, like concerts where I’m not bothered about the music, or the pub with his mates when he wants me to.

He always usually comes with me to the theatre, it has became a shared hobby. He never declined before and I’m worried he’s suddenly not wanting to do things with me.

OP posts:
Backbag · 27/04/2025 14:41

If he had any intention of going he'd have said so. You need to make other arrangements.

Fwiw, I don't "need" loads of notice, if you called me on the day of the show and I was free, I'd go, but equally if someone asked a month (or 3) before the event, I'd still give them an answer and a commitment then. Anything else is basically saying you're waiting for a better offer or to think of an excuse.

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/04/2025 14:37

LaurenBacalls · 27/04/2025 14:05

Partner replied saying ‘I’m going to decline, so please ask someone else. It sounds like a really interesting and fun show though.’

im upset by his response. I wanted to go with him.

Ill ask a friend now and obviously.

It’s obviously not his cup of tea (of mine)

so go with a friend

Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 27/04/2025 14:35

Sidebeforeself · 27/04/2025 14:28

Seriously, dont be upset. You are overthinking it . He doesn’t want to go thats all.Doesnt mean he doesn’t love you.

I’m trying to think of it like that. It is hard not feel rejected, like he’s saying no to spending time together.

We don’t currently have any future plans set up to look forward to.

OP posts:
Sidebeforeself · 27/04/2025 14:28

Seriously, dont be upset. You are overthinking it . He doesn’t want to go thats all.Doesnt mean he doesn’t love you.

Sidebeforeself · 27/04/2025 14:27

No is a complete sentence as we say on here!

Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 27/04/2025 14:27

Sidebeforeself · 27/04/2025 14:18

Well, he cant win now , can he?!

Show quote history

Isn’t declining with no reason a bit crap?

OP posts:
Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 27/04/2025 14:25

@NestOfWipers I think it’s really about the fact we haven’t had a lot of quality time together recently, and when an opportunity for a date night comes up at a show in a special venue, he says no. I also explicitly said I’d like him to come, which I don’t do much.

but yes, obviously I’d rather go with someone who wants to be there. So I’ve messaged a friend who likes theatre - we’ll see what she says!

OP posts:
NestOfWipers · 27/04/2025 14:21

LaurenBacalls · 25/04/2025 23:02

@Gundogday sounds reasonable to me.

I don’t know why he’s dithering. If someone invited me to a ballet, let alone my partner, I’d be keen.

I would rather you took a friend that would enjoy it then feel compelled to accompany you to something. I'm not interested in, but maybe he's finding it difficult to tell you that because you have been to concerts you weren't interested in.

Frankly, I'd rather pull my own teeth out and sit through a ballet, ballet is beautiful, I used to do ballet, but after the first minute I'm just bored rigid so I rather you took a friend who will enjoy it.

Just talk to him so he feels able to say he'd rather not go if that's the case, explain if he doesn't want to go you will take a friend but you need to give them notice so you need to talk about it today.

EDITED: I see, I have cross post with you. Yes, it's a shame he doesn't want to go, but you're far better off going with a friend who will enjoy it!!

Have fun.

Sidebeforeself · 27/04/2025 14:18

LaurenBacalls · 27/04/2025 14:05

Partner replied saying ‘I’m going to decline, so please ask someone else. It sounds like a really interesting and fun show though.’

im upset by his response. I wanted to go with him.

Ill ask a friend now and obviously.

Well, he cant win now , can he?!

Sidebeforeself · 27/04/2025 14:16

LaurenBacalls · 26/04/2025 07:39

I think I’ll ask him to let me know this weekend.

To be perfectly honest, I’m upset that he didn’t jump at the chance for a great evening out with me. But I would rather someone who is keen came with me.

A great night in YOUR opinion but if he doesn’t fancy it thats okay isn’t it? His dithering would annoy me too but I wouldnt wait around for an answer - find someone else or go on your own.

Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 27/04/2025 14:09

taxi4ballet · 26/04/2025 16:49

I'll come. When and where?😂

In Scotland, in a few weeks, if you can make it!

OP posts:
Original poster
LaurenBacalls · 27/04/2025 14:05

Partner replied saying ‘I’m going to decline, so please ask someone else. It sounds like a really interesting and fun show though.’

im upset by his response. I wanted to go with him.

Ill ask a friend now and obviously.

OP posts:
taxi4ballet · 26/04/2025 16:49

I'll come. When and where?😂

AffIt · 26/04/2025 12:28

LaurenBacalls · 26/04/2025 07:39

I think I’ll ask him to let me know this weekend.

To be perfectly honest, I’m upset that he didn’t jump at the chance for a great evening out with me. But I would rather someone who is keen came with me.

I love the ballet and so does my OH, fortunately, but it's not for everybody, as with most things.

I also love opera, but my sister LOATHES it: I could give her six months' notice of an opening night at La Scala and she'd still turn me down!

It's not so much about the notice, I don't think, more about the fact your partner doesn't want to go and is rather clumsily trying not to be rude by not saying an outright 'no thank you'.

Give him a reminder, say you need to know by Saturday, he'll doubtless be grateful for the out, and then invite your friend, who presumably likes ballet. You'll have a much more enjoyable evening.

Oh, and you really don't need to do these things for other people if you don't want to, tbh: my OH likes music festivals whereas I would sooner chew off one of my own limbs than attend one, so he goes with friends. Everybody wins!

ThinWomansBrain · 26/04/2025 12:24

LaurenBacalls · 25/04/2025 23:01

@Newgirls my mother and as she handed them over she said but don’t take me, as I don’t like the ballet 😂

I have a close friend I can ask first but I don’t know if she’s free.

the problem is now I have invited him. Tbh I’m annoyed that he’s not keen. I went to another country just to see a band I couldn’t give a rats arse about with him a few months back.

You've invited him - assuming that was some time ago and he's not bothered to respond, just go ahead and invite someone else.

GabriellaMontez · 26/04/2025 12:19

LaurenBacalls · 26/04/2025 09:50

I’ve asked him to let me know by tomorrow. I know people said don’t bother, but I DID invite him, it feels rude to ask someone else without resolving that first.

For me, I think I’d need two weeks notice generally, so leaves time.

Rude?

Rude is him, not giving you a straight answer and instead, leaving you hanging and potentially unable to find anyone.

"Yes please" or "no thanks" are the words he should be using.

Ask him to let you know by Saturday as if it's a no, you'll need to give someone else notice.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 26/04/2025 12:16

LaurenBacalls · 26/04/2025 09:50

I’ve asked him to let me know by tomorrow. I know people said don’t bother, but I DID invite him, it feels rude to ask someone else without resolving that first.

For me, I think I’d need two weeks notice generally, so leaves time.

Maybe he doesn't like the composer.

Which ballet is it?

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 26/04/2025 12:12

LaurenBacalls · 26/04/2025 07:39

I think I’ll ask him to let me know this weekend.

To be perfectly honest, I’m upset that he didn’t jump at the chance for a great evening out with me. But I would rather someone who is keen came with me.

Why are you upset? I’d be bored rigid at the ballet, it wouldn’t be a great night out for me. It’d be nothing to do with the person I’m with it’d the ballet! Don’t take it personally. Just organise things you both like to do.

And stop going to stuff you don’t enjoy for him! Does he know you don’t like his choice in bands? If not, why not? Neither of you should go to things you don’t enjoy just to please the other person.

TwoLeggedGrooveMachine · 26/04/2025 10:18

Just tell him you’re going to ask a friend as you can see he isn’t keen. You don’t need to do everything with your boyfriend. Just stop going to bands you don’t like for him. I’ve been married forever but we don’t do everything together. We do things with our friends sometimes. When we do attend events together it’s because we both want to be there and are both really into whatever it is.

fiveIsNewOne · 26/04/2025 10:17

It sounds to me he isn't exactly enthusiastic yes, but isn't a no either.

Wouldn't it work better the other way round - agreeing with him, that you would check whether the friend would like to go, and if no, he would agree to go with you?

With my partner when I ask him whether he would like to go somewhere, he considers his preference. If I say I'd like him to go somewhere with me, he understands and goes with me. (And can enjoy it when he is there)