"can I have a word" from teacher

Ask for his file.

it’s quite possible the Senco has done observations of him if so these should be written down. There will also be records of him hitting other children when he has done that.

the fact they are asking you to do routines with him suggests that he isn’t following them in the classroom.

eyfs is generally document as you go along so they’ll be keeping his record up to date with what he’s achieved in various areas.
what was his transfer from pre school like? He should have had a report which said stuff like “personal and social development: can do this can do this is working on that.”

the teacher and any other adults in the classroom should have fairly clear idea from their documentation of where he is on the framework.

it sounds from what you have said that he is significantly behind in a number of areas and this would help document this.

You need a meeting with the senco. He needs a Sen plan in place and to apply for ehcp. Senco needs to support teacher wig interventions to help him. If they apply for funding he could have some 1:1 hours, so in the afternoon he could have some sensory breaks. You could request ed psych and occupational therapist come in to advise

Hi OP it definitely sounds as though you need to start formalising actions and outcomes. Log all reports from teacher, try to find patterns and triggers ( hard when child is young) at school and home. Make sure the school has an ecp and then you should also apply for the echp as parent; you can clearly demonstrate his needs cannot be met (DC is not able to attend school ft and would be able to if appropriate support was in place). You don’t need a diagnosis but would also make sure you press hard for assessment as they take a looooong time (try RTC, is quicker but hard to find approved providers for younger children).
I trusted the healthcare system and the school and as a result, have a very sad teen who is not achieving their potential and a very difficult family/home life. Shortly going for private diagnosis and applying for ECHP because the NHS waiting list is so loooooong. However we now realise this was needed years (and years ago) and actually, DC has never had appropriate support. The impact on mental health for a child who is daily made to feel that they are naughty, unkind, not good enough, a nuisance all while they cannot fix it themselves without professional support is destructive. Now DC is coming off of the rails and it is petrifying and heartbreaking in equal measures. Don’t hold back..do what you feel you need to do(including moving schools if current one is not the right setting/ teachers not working with you and your DC).

I got quite a lot of negative feedback about one of my children and in exasperation went to see the teacher and asked them what they were doing to build up my child's self esteem and help them like school more. I suppose, in retrospect I was quite stroppy but I was a teacher and I felt I knew what I was talking about. The teacher was quite taken aback but did think about what I had said and made a real effort to give praise rather than focusing on negatives. It did work and everything settled down. I'm not suggesting you do this but I do think you need to persist in talking to the teacher about your child who you know best. It's obvious from your posts that you know exactly what works and as pp has said teachers do need to celebrate achievements however small to boost a child sense of self.

I’m a reception teacher

ive used a communication book where both home and school write a quick summary in each day

Im very aware of the quiet children who often get overlooked in favour of those children with additional needs so I try and balance out talking to the same parents by talking to other parents as well

I get the feeling from reading your posts that there’s a lot of talking to him, considering his behaviour (all great) but at school she’ll be expecting him
to get on, take responsibility for himself and his actions - would this be too hard for him?

how do you expect he’ll adjust going from flexi schooling to full time?

That's a shame the teacher isn't able to share any positive feedback with you. I was a teacher for over 20 years- YR for lots of those.

I had children with lots of different needs and challenging behaviour as well as those who settled in easily. I wasn't any kind of amazing super teacher but I did make a point of giving lots of genuine positive comments at the end of the day. Obviously not every child, every day, but I'm pretty sure I would have covered a class of 30 in a week or so. It is really important to build positive relationships with the child and their family in reception, parents need to know that you want their child to do well and see the best in them. It made the 'Can I have a word?' chats a lot easier as well.

To be honest it doesn't sound like you have a very experienced teacher or SENCO. Hopefully next year will be more positive for you. Glad you're planning to apply for an EHCP. It might be useful to ask the school to keep a home school book where they can write a little bit about how the day has gone, it will save having too many chats and also might help spot patterns and provide a record for your EHCP application. Good luck with it all @ParentofPremie

I'd be gobsmacked if any teachers in 2025 haven't heard of 'behaviour is communication'. Schools have a long way to go in terms of SEND provision but the reality is most teachers will have up to about 7 children in their class every year for whom the standard expectations and procedures will need adapting. I really don't understand the rhetoric at all that most teachers haven't got a clue about SEND when they spend every day working with children with ASC, ADHD, PDA etc.

Teachers have very little training on how to talk to parents.

she’s having a word with you because your child is showing behaviour that is considered a problem in a school environment.

she’s doing it pretty much every time because otherwise parents complain they have no idea what is going on when the inevitable referral for special needs is done.

teachers in general are not trained in the “behaviour is communication” approach. If a child is not adapting to school when the teacher is using standard behaviour management techniques then the child is considered a problem and they will get in a behaviour specialist to see the child.

this is usually the person who has experience and training in looking for triggers and working with eg the ABC method of analysing behaviour.

schools are mass institutions. The teacher has been trained how to use standard techniques which are not working for your child. She’s probably requested specialist input (Senco etc) and can get further specialist input from ASD specialists if necessary.

unfortunately if a child is not capable of fitting into the school then what usually happens is not that the teacher bends the system to fit them, but rather that they end up on part time timetables, in difficulty, and eventually when there is enough paperwork to show they can’t cope in mainstream they move to some kind of special school hopefully fairly quickly.

your child id clearly a fair way through this process as they are only capable of accessing school part time and are having trouble with being in school. At the moment you have no documentation showing he needs any extra support. Get documents out of the school - they’ll be documenting each time he hits another child for start - and apply for an EHCP.

I find a simple - thank you for telling me. Works well - Iv sen kids and teachers needs to comminute behavioural patterns.

Just to clarify, is that 8 in his entire class or 8 in his year group within a mixed years class? If 8 in his class, then yes you should be getting more of a handover! Honestly though, perhaps just say to yhe teacher you're finding all the negativity difficult and would appreciate hearing about some good things too. I always sing the praises of children who struggle so their parents know they have brilliant times too, but I'm embarrassed to admit I probably did it less early on in my career and didn't truly understand why it was so important until I had children myself.

But when it comes to behaviour issues it just feels like we have completely different beliefs around children's behaviour.

In that case, I’d consider whether this is the right school for you and your child. His education can’t be successful if his parents and teachers aren’t on the same page, and a teacher isn’t going to adapt her entire style of teaching to appease one parent.

A parent teacher relationship isn’t like one with colleagues. Obviously a child’s achievements should be celebrated in school but the teacher isn’t there to give you positive feedback. This isn’t feedback, it’s information about your child. I would take the SENCO’s advice before seeking a diagnosis that will lead you to the same advice.

I don't think it's true that teachers don't have time to share the positives - I've always made a point of sharing positives with parents when I can. Granted I don't do it every day for every child but definitely whenever I can and particularly for the children who I have given negative feedback about at some point. It's so important for relationships that the children know I notice the good things they do as much as, if not more than, the bad.

Has the senco observed in class?

id be inclined to request a meeting, explain what it is your wanting to find out.
ask about the SEN register, he would then get a plan and targets, regular meetings which will give you updates on progress and what is needed.

Don't worry about diagnosis. Your child has SEN. They may need provision above that which is ordinarily available in school. That is the two-part test that is needed for an EHC needs assessment. An EHCP will be what gets him support in school, not a diagnosis.

Do you ever talk to him about incidents? Is he able to say how he was feeling when something happened? Eg. I hit Tom. I was mad. He took my toy.

The teacher probably doesn't want you to do anything when they tell you about incidents, and even if they do, you don't need to do anything. But it is probably good to try to talk about his day in general, and maybe sometimes about specific incidents (not always, as he might start to feel like school is all negative). Though from your posts, I suspect you're doing all of that anyway.

Don't worry. He will get through this and he is blessed to have a parent doing so well for him.

Honestly I think teachers are so overworked and underpaid that they’re probably not trained on how to give feedback. They probably only have time to raise in the moment when they have concerns.

it would be lovely if they capacity to talk about what went well or lovely moments, but from what I hear from teacher friends and colleagues they’re mostly “firefighting” and only raising things when they think it’ll be a concern if they don’t.

You need to push for a diagnosis and work with the school and the teachers and senco.
List what he struggles with in school. In the meeting with both of them work at a plan for what could be done to support him.
Funding for a TA won't come without specific needs and even then it could be for a limited time or even shared with other children.
The Flexi schooling sounds like it was your choice, what did the senco think? Again time out of school does mean they are not around for evidence to be collected to support that they find school difficult. The more evidence there is from school then referrals can be made, ed psych can come and observe and then more support provided.

Also try not to overthink the only being told negative things and comparing it to a work situation. Remember there are 30 (or more) children in a class. If the teacher spoke to every parent when dismissing them to say whether they had a good day or not then they would be there all night. They are only going to focus on anything that didn't go well that day, which might be sad to hear but it is meant to help keep you informed.

I strongly suggest you put in a parental request. When (because they probably will) they turn you down for a needs assessment, challenge it straight away!