Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wish people wouldn't judge/grill people who don't drive

309 replies

Ceriane · 25/04/2025 16:41

I don't drive. I avoid telling people unless I have to as I feel embarrassed and I have had people judge me, give me the wry smile "still not driving I see" and fire 20 questions at me about why, and I never know what to say to them as it takes too long to explain and I don't have a clear reason.

At 17 I couldn't wait to start driving and I had several lessons, but had to give up because of a family crisis, my dad was made redundant and I was only working part time as I was at college, so not earning much and the family needed my income, so I just couldn't afford it anymore. I moved away to go to University at 19 and again, it's expensive, it was a new area, and it was in a city, so people just got public transport everywhere. I always told myself that when I graduate and have a full time job, I will go back to driving again.

At 22/23 I was working full time and at 24 I finally got around to booking lessons again, and began driving, however I then had a debilitating physical illness that caused me a lot of problems that meant it really wasn't the right time to continue learning to drive, so I stopped for a few years while I dealt with health issues.

In my early 30's I went back to it and was doing really well, and thought, this is it I am finally going to be able to drive. My health could still be up and down, and then my instructor had to take a break from his job for a while, and I just never got around to picking the phone up and re-booking the lessons (when you leave it for a while, it just becomes something on the to do list that you don't get around to).

I then got a job in the city, and living and working in the city, people just get public transport so it seemed pointless to learn to drive. In my late thirties we went into lockdown, and after that I was hearing a lot about how they were trying to cut down the amount of cars on the roads, due to the environment etc, and at work, they seemed to be promoting this message really strongly so I didn't bother.

I turned 40 and I was dealing with debilitating anxiety and panic attacks so again, really not in the right head space to learn to drive.

At 41 I still have health issues that are complicated and difficult to explain to people, and I just think, why now? I've gone my whole life not driving? Every time I tell myself I should learn to drive I think health wise I never know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next and that would affect driving, and it feels wrong as it's just like a "why now?" kind of feeling. I work from home, I take public transport when needed, I never ask for lifts (there is maybe the odd occasion).

I have had a few comments as though people assume I'm lazy or must be thick or whatever and it really gets me down. One person used to ask me "well how do you get to work?" in a judge mental sounding way....I have always got to work using public transport, it's never been a problem, plus it's quicker to get the train than it is to sit in traffic (and I work from home now anyway). He made a comment that he assumed a family member must have to take me (how embarrassing) and then one job I had a few years ago, my sister did occasionally drop me off as my house was on the way and my job was right on the way to her job, if she hadn't have offered to do this (I don't expect it) I would have happily got the bus, and when he knew this he said "bloomin eck" as though he thought I couldn't get to work without having a lift, but that wasn't the case. He seems to think I must be having to have lifts all the while.

I do get embarrassed in recent years if I'm waiting for a bus, not the train so much, that seems more acceptable....I don't know. Should people be judged if they don't drive for whatever reason?

OP posts:
Greenfields20 · 26/04/2025 16:09

HellDorado · 26/04/2025 16:05

Well I haven’t said “People should uproot their entire lives and move rather than learning to drive”, have I? I’m not trying to advocate against driving.

All I’m saying is that people plan - or at least they should - for their lives they have, not the lives others have. It would be a massive waste of money for me to learn to drive when I don’t need to, and when I don’t have anywhere to store a car, and pretty stupid of me to choose to live somewhere where I couldn’t get on without driving.

No but you said you made a 'sensible decision'. It's not a case of sensible or not. It depends on whether that's an option for someone or not.

HellDorado · 26/04/2025 16:05

Well I haven’t said “People should uproot their entire lives and move rather than learning to drive”, have I? I’m not trying to advocate against driving.

All I’m saying is that people plan - or at least they should - for their lives they have, not the lives others have. It would be a massive waste of money for me to learn to drive when I don’t need to, and when I don’t have anywhere to store a car, and pretty stupid of me to choose to live somewhere where I couldn’t get on without driving.

Greenfields20 · 26/04/2025 15:50

HellDorado · 26/04/2025 13:07

Re privilege - posters being smug about not driving probably live somewhere with good public transport. It is irritating that city dwellers seem to be unaware of just how unreliable public transport is outside of towns and cities.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but there’s certainly no “smugness” from my side, or lack of awareness. A PP put it perfectly when she said she wasn’t allocated her house in a lottery.

I'm perfectly well aware that public transport can vary wildly in frequency and reliability from area to area. That’s why I chose to live somewhere where it IS frequent and reliable. I didn’t get lucky - I made a sensible decision.

Plenty of people are not in a position to just pick and choose where they live. They may have family or a job in a certain town and an easier less complicated option is to get a car and drive, rather than upheave their whole life to move to a bigger town or city.

Ineedcoffee2021 · 26/04/2025 15:08

Driving is something that to me is a privilege and not a right as you can end your own life or the life of someone else doing it.

Correct
I dont drive
I have anxiety/flashbaks from when a truck almost killed me at 16, in the driver side while we were broken down on the side of the road
I would be unsafe on the road
I have no business being there - for my own and others safety
So many shouldnt be on the road

DH supports my choice as he is medically retired with PTSD from truck driving - safety related. He would much prefer to drive me than have another unsafe driver on the road

intrepidpanda · 26/04/2025 14:24

GeorgianaM · 25/04/2025 16:47

Never too late to learn and is an important life skill.

This is exactly the attitude OP is talking about.
It is tantamount to bullying. I know you don't see it as that but when you already feel bad and anxious then there is a pile on if you should, you should, you should. It is soul destroying.

taxguru · 26/04/2025 14:22

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 26/04/2025 14:11

Unsurprisingly, Then people who cannot drive will take this into account when they choose where to live.

Did someone just throw you in a random house and you had to get on with life? You do know people make choices on stuff like this right?

Show quote history

Some of us have to chose where to live based on family commitments, location of workplaces, both for self and partner, wages when young being too low to pay for accommodation, so "trapped" living at home at the start of working life, etc.

Anyway, if everyone moved to London, there'd be no jobs, the public transport would collapse and house prices would soar.

There has to be balance and that's what lacking after decades of London Centricity re public transport, employment, etc.

NPET · 26/04/2025 14:12

Afaic the more people who DON'T drive the better cos there's more room on the roads for me!
Seriously, using public transport is in theory great (I do but then I'm on the outskirts of London with loads of trains in the rush hour).
In practice the problem is empty buses or trains with horrible men on or (worse) having to walk to/from bus stops or stations at night.
Fortunately for me that seldom comes up (late night trains here are busy) but I know it does for a friend who lives in Epsom.
Personally I think there should cheaper lessons for women because we NEED to learn (men are safer on pt), and because if there were only women on the road the world would be a safer place!
But yes I know I'm being sexist.👏

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 26/04/2025 14:11

taxguru · 26/04/2025 14:04

As lots of people have said, some places are where public transport is more of a viable option, but the reality is that most people don't have a train station, two tube lines and six bus routes close to where they live.

Show quote history

Unsurprisingly, Then people who cannot drive will take this into account when they choose where to live.

Did someone just throw you in a random house and you had to get on with life? You do know people make choices on stuff like this right?

taxguru · 26/04/2025 14:11

Bryonyberries · 26/04/2025 14:08

I learned and passed when I was 17 but didn’t actually need a car until I moved to my current property which is rural with a poor bus service. Now I have one I can’t imagine not having one and it wouldn’t be practical but I don’t think I’d bother if I moved somewhere like London which as decent public transport options.

Due to my location I’d expect anyone I now dated to be able to drive as I wouldn’t want to be the one doing all the travelling to meet or drive everywhere while they never had to.

I ditched my first serious boyfriend because he didn't drive and had no intention of learning. I got fed up of constantly being the one who had to drive us for dates, days out, etc., not being able to drink on nights out, etc. I finally ditched him when he started expecting me to drive to pick him up in the morning from his parent's house to take him to work, it was a long detour I'd have to make every day and he seemed really put out that I refused to do it. That was the moment I saw his true colours and ditched him!

HellDorado · 26/04/2025 14:09

taxguru · 26/04/2025 14:04

As lots of people have said, some places are where public transport is more of a viable option, but the reality is that most people don't have a train station, two tube lines and six bus routes close to where they live.

Show quote history

For heaven’s sake - I haven’t said they do! I’m saying that most people who don’t drive take this into account when choosing where to live.

Bryonyberries · 26/04/2025 14:08

I learned and passed when I was 17 but didn’t actually need a car until I moved to my current property which is rural with a poor bus service. Now I have one I can’t imagine not having one and it wouldn’t be practical but I don’t think I’d bother if I moved somewhere like London which as decent public transport options.

Due to my location I’d expect anyone I now dated to be able to drive as I wouldn’t want to be the one doing all the travelling to meet or drive everywhere while they never had to.

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 26/04/2025 14:06

RampantIvy · 26/04/2025 12:06

There is smuggery on both sides isn't there?

The non drivers with great public transport and those who can afford to run a car.

Show quote history

Where's the smuggery?Annoyance and thinking non drives live in a 4x4 bubble and beg for lifts on the daily, sure. But smuggery? Not so much

taxguru · 26/04/2025 14:04

HellDorado · 26/04/2025 13:59

That’s one bus service though. I’m in walking distance of a mainline train into London, plus two Tube lines (a third is accessible by bus). Six different bus services go down the main road.

Show quote history

As lots of people have said, some places are where public transport is more of a viable option, but the reality is that most people don't have a train station, two tube lines and six bus routes close to where they live.

HellDorado · 26/04/2025 13:59

LakieLady · 26/04/2025 13:43

I'm perfectly well aware that public transport can vary wildly in frequency and reliability from area to area. That’s why I chose to live somewhere where it IS frequent and reliable. I didn’t get lucky - I made a sensible decision.

I hope it stays that way! I made a similar decision many years ago and bought a house on the edge of a small town, but with a bus service 7 days a week. If I had to go to London for a meeting, I could get a bus to the station and be in London by 9 or soon after, and get a bus back up to 8.30 pm.

Now, there's no service at all on a Sunday, the first bus isn't until 8.45 and the last one is 5.45, which is no use at all to commuters, as the train takes an hour or more.

That’s one bus service though. I’m in walking distance of a mainline train into London, plus two Tube lines (a third is accessible by bus). Six different bus services go down the main road.

taxguru · 26/04/2025 13:49

LakieLady · 26/04/2025 13:43

I'm perfectly well aware that public transport can vary wildly in frequency and reliability from area to area. That’s why I chose to live somewhere where it IS frequent and reliable. I didn’t get lucky - I made a sensible decision.

I hope it stays that way! I made a similar decision many years ago and bought a house on the edge of a small town, but with a bus service 7 days a week. If I had to go to London for a meeting, I could get a bus to the station and be in London by 9 or soon after, and get a bus back up to 8.30 pm.

Now, there's no service at all on a Sunday, the first bus isn't until 8.45 and the last one is 5.45, which is no use at all to commuters, as the train takes an hour or more.

Same happened to the bus service through the centre of our village in the noughties. First it was down graded to just twice a day, and then the route was cancelled altogether. Now people have to walk to the by pass to catch a bus, which isn't much fun for the elderly trying to walk either on a public footpath through farmers fields or along a country road with no pavements from certain parts of the village.

LakieLady · 26/04/2025 13:43

I'm perfectly well aware that public transport can vary wildly in frequency and reliability from area to area. That’s why I chose to live somewhere where it IS frequent and reliable. I didn’t get lucky - I made a sensible decision.

I hope it stays that way! I made a similar decision many years ago and bought a house on the edge of a small town, but with a bus service 7 days a week. If I had to go to London for a meeting, I could get a bus to the station and be in London by 9 or soon after, and get a bus back up to 8.30 pm.

Now, there's no service at all on a Sunday, the first bus isn't until 8.45 and the last one is 5.45, which is no use at all to commuters, as the train takes an hour or more.

TokyoKyoto · 26/04/2025 13:40

I know 3 non-drivers. 2 are epileptic (how would you know??). One doesn't have a car for eco reasons and in any case lives in a city. These are my friends. They don't ask for lifts but will accept is someone offers and it's convenient. Mostly they make their way to things by themselves. One of them, the city-dweller, will take taxis rurally rather than put people out (and doesn't worry about the cost as she doesn't run a car).

Why on earth would anyone judge them as lesser people? It's bizarre.

MakeYourOwnMusicStartYourOwnDance · 26/04/2025 13:20

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 26/04/2025 13:15

Well it’s a fundamental life skill, so while it’s no one else’s business what you do, people are going to be a bit surprised.

I would learn, it’s incredibly useful when you get older and public transport is difficult - it can extent independence for many years.

People can get older and find it more difficult to drive (and safely!) as well though, so what's the difference?

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 26/04/2025 13:15

Well it’s a fundamental life skill, so while it’s no one else’s business what you do, people are going to be a bit surprised.

I would learn, it’s incredibly useful when you get older and public transport is difficult - it can extent independence for many years.

Crikeyalmighty · 26/04/2025 13:12

@IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece yep me too - recently had to get back from somewhere about 8 miles away late at night. H was away and no buses and not on train route - so got a £21 uber - given that I don’t drive and I’m not paying on a car for myself for fuel, car loans, servicing, AA, tyres , insurance etc - the odd£21 taxi seems a bargain

HellDorado · 26/04/2025 13:11

taxguru · 26/04/2025 11:23

The fact that you had options of bus, train and onstreet car rental says that you live in a city with good public transport options. Most people don't.

To get to our nearest Ikea, it's an hour by car or 2.5 hours by public transport. Thats 3 different buses, one train journey and 35 minutes of walking!

Show quote history

Not having to go to the hell on earth that is IKEA is one of the best reasons I can think of not to drive!

Thismomlikesknitting · 26/04/2025 13:09

I dont care who judges me for not driving. I don't ask for lifts and find it easy enough getting around without the need to drive.
I couldn't drive if I wanted too it's safer for everyone that I don't drive.

HellDorado · 26/04/2025 13:07

Re privilege - posters being smug about not driving probably live somewhere with good public transport. It is irritating that city dwellers seem to be unaware of just how unreliable public transport is outside of towns and cities.

I can’t speak for anyone else, but there’s certainly no “smugness” from my side, or lack of awareness. A PP put it perfectly when she said she wasn’t allocated her house in a lottery.

I'm perfectly well aware that public transport can vary wildly in frequency and reliability from area to area. That’s why I chose to live somewhere where it IS frequent and reliable. I didn’t get lucky - I made a sensible decision.

MrsSkylerWhite · 26/04/2025 13:04

Agree, as long as people don’t expect others to drive them around.

LakieLady · 26/04/2025 13:01

The biggest lift cadgers I have known are those whose cars are in for repair and they can't cope.

My garage always give me a loan car if mine has to go in for any reason.

Swipe left for the next trending thread