Friend asked dh for 2 year loan

Honestly, I would lose my shit with my husband over this.

"Friend" has no intention of changing his lifestyle. It is easy to see from afar that this will be nothing more than a stopgap. They will be in deeper in a year.

That your husband doesn't care if they continue living beyond their means, as long as some (no doubt very low) monthly payment is made to him, is galling. And that he is OK with the wife being lied to is bad as well.

Wife needs to get a job and they need to downscale their lifestyle and live within their means. Cadging money off a friend is not a solution and as to the threats of self-harm, oh well. Anyone who uses that as a ploy to gouge money out of people is despicable.

In your shoes I'd be strongly tempted to call the wife and lay this all on the line for her. She can seek employment and cancel the upcoming holidays. They chose to have four kids and most people in that boat learn to be frugal. Why should they be an exception?

This with big brass knobs on, ^ OP.

Something smells dodgy (and it's not the egg mayo sarnies from a previous thread !)

Instead of lending £25k could your DH agree to go with his friend to a debt charity to get help with managing his finances? He could offer to pay for the friend to get some personal counselling or see a doctor about his depression.

None of this should be kept secret from the friends wife and I don’t understand why you haven’t already spoken to her.

He wont be suicidal it'll be a tactic to make the husband feel guilty.

Then he is a risk and this should be reported to the Financial Conduct Authority. I bet that's why he's borrowing from your DH instead of taking out a loan.

Why can't your DH tell the friend that he has had to tell you, his wife, because you are a team and he refuses to keep secrets from you.
And that you went apeshit and said no, and he has to respect that decision.

It means you are playing the bad guy but I wouldn't care if it meant he didn't lend the money

Can you afford to lose 25 grand because it will happen. They'll promise the world when they're after the money,then that'll be it. How much other debt does he have? Don't do it.

If he's feeling suicidal, he needs professional intervention ASAP. Handing him money won't change the fact he's a spendthrift living above his means, wildly in debt and Lord knows who to and they might be coming after his ass.

At least get him to speak to someone with knowledge of how this is going to affect the two of you with regards to using business money for personal use and the legal and tax implications here. He has a fiduciary duty. You guys could end up royally fucked and if your name is on it, you share responsibility.

This is one of the dumbest, most irresponsible things I've ever heard.

If he insists on doing this tell Mr Scrounger that he will ask a solicitor to draw up a loan agreement with certain terms and conditions. And he must pay for this contract. Make sure it says that if he defaults then the full amount becomes due.
He won't be so keen to go ahead I suspect.

Also - this guy could just take out a loan. 🤦🏼‍♀️
And if he can’t then god knows what else he has borrowed from official means. Don’t enable this behaviour.

I'm sorry but £25k is NOT enough money to end your life over, especially if you have a family.
There's all sorts of things he could do.
He could sell something.
He could cash in an investment.
He could remortgage
He could talk to a debt charity about interest relief.
He works in finance, so he must know his options.

But he's not doing that is he - he's leaning on your DH.

The whole thing about a friend lending it to him, agreeing to installments and then suddenly wanting the ENTIRE sum back in one go and immediately is sooooo dodgy. He could make the friend an offer to repay £5k now and borrow that from DH but £25K? He's a liar.

Also. If you and DH have any debt whatsoever - money on credit cards or overdraft - you should use that £25 k to repay some of that.. or invest it for your kids. Or in your own private pension since you are not currently working. Otherwise you are just throwing it away. If he cannot repay the other friend, he cannot repay you - however the loan is structure.

Please give his wife the gift of telling her what's going on. She needs to know.

He's apparently suicidal about it but he's still going on 3 holidays a year?

Come on, OP. This is such a crock of shit I cannot believe anyone thinks this is legit. If he were truly suicidal about it, he wouldnt be splashing his cash on holidays they dont really need would he?

If he could afford to do that he would have not needed to have borrowed money off the first friend… your partner is being taken for an absolute mug. I would have already messaged my friend (as I wouldn’t lie to them) and asked if they were aware their husband was asking for a 25k loan. Because that will be her debt too!
Why are you letting this guy walk all over you. Just because you don’t work doesn’t matter!!

Thought there was emotional manipulation involved hence why your poor DH feels compelled to help him. You have a duty to tell his DW. Doing so runs the risk of what he may do as a result. But he’s in way too deep to be able to conceal it from her for much longer & you’re now complicit in his addiction/risky behaviour. How will she feel if she learns (too late) that his best friend enabled him to get in even more debt when they could have told her & given her an opportunity to get him help. Really awful he’s put you in this position. Debt is a big driver for suicidality esp in men who get in too deep & are more likely than women to conceal it & to act on impulse. His wife needs to be informed & given time to process it, speak to debt charities & get support to then be able to approach her DH & help him get the help he needs & appropriate action taken.

@ParsnipPuree I typed my 15.21 reply before seeing your last update.

You should point out to DH that if his friend's mental health is so affected that he contemplates taking his own life, then he really should ensure, via his wife, that the friend gets appropriate support and help.

You should also point out the logic regarding placing a charge over his house 'he wouldn't see the children out on the street' would only be a concern if he didn't think the money was going to be paid back. I know it was you saying that here, but it's a valid point.

...and your DH needs to ask him for a copy of his credit report and get a formal loan agreement drawn up...

However my final thought is this - as it is coming out of a business it will have to be accounted for at year end and he will have to either pay the money to himself and it will be taxed (so he will be down £25k+tax) or will have to have be a formal loan and I assume he is not regulated to do this?

You need to ask him (your DH) what happens if it is not paid back by his business's year end.

Best thing when talking to DH is to ask him what he would do if he needed some money - the obvious answers are "get a credit card" "get a loan" and this guy clearly can't do that or he would. This means he has no spare money to pay them back as has too many already, so how is he going to pay DH back. (This is why you need credit check)

Next answer is "get a secured loan" or "re-mortgage" - again this guy clearly can't do this either, so he must be maxed out.

Next you sell what you can, cars, watches, stereos etc etc - is he driving a fancy car? If so he needs to get rid of this first.

Maybe you will get through to him by saying "It this guy is £25k short, his wife needs to work. You will feel incredibly resentful if he is having fancy holidays and she is not working and they can't pay you back"

This all sounds very, very dodgy. Starting with wondering what kind of mess the friend has gotten himself into where he has to pay all of this money back at once. I've never heard of a business that wouldn't accept payments when trying to recoup money owed to them. That makes it sound like something illegal, first of all.

Second, when this guy is insisting on lying to both spouses, you and his wife, both of their supposedly nearest and dearest people, well, that makes him a serious liar, doesn't it? He's also making both of you complicit in his lies. Your husband isn't supposed to tell you and now you're keeping critical information from his wife, who is your friend. Very shabby treatment by someone who's going around begging. Also then, why should anyone believe the rest of his story?

Third, his lies prevent a fair and reasonable solution, like maybe his wife go to work and help out her own family, rather than continuing to enjoy a life of leisure and vacations, unaware, while you and your husband pick up the slack and cause damage in your relationship? His wife has a right to know what's going on with her own marital finances.

Fourth, combined with the sketchy dubiousness of this whole deal and having no problem lying and asking your husband to lie (which also smacks of misogyny, by the way), the suicide threat is extremely manipulative. Maybe your husband should call for a mental health check on him instead, if he's so suicidal.

None of the above describes someone who is taking any responsibility for his mistakes. Instead, he lies and uses emotional blackmail to try to get your husband to stupidly put himself at risk instead and cause problems in your marriage, while his remains blissful, due to his lying.

However, those are all HIS problems. YOU have a "husband problem." He is not looking out for you or putting you first as he should. Instead, he rolls over like a sap, preferring to play the hero to his stupid friend, based on a sob story. All to the detriment of his own family, in more than one way.

Since he rolls over so easily, I would put your foot down. After all, YOU have the right to, unlike his irresponsible friend. I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that since you are a marital unit, business or not, it's NOT his right to do this without your consent, which you have not given.

Insist on marriage counseling before you'll even consider allowing him to drag your family into his sneaky, stupid friend's mess. He needs a strong reminder of his priorities and duties here, and "people pleasing" is not on the list.

Your husband is being emotionally blackmailed.
The BEST thing he could do as a friend is tell his mate to:

1. tell his wife
2. sort out their lives together. Giving him 25k (because it’s not a loan) is ridiculous. You are a family and that money is needed. His wife needs to know and you need to tell her. It wouldn’t give a shit about the fallout. Because you are being blackmailed with the suicide bid. This man needs to sort his life out and getting a payout from DH is delaying that. There is reason he is in so much debt. Whatever it is, he needs to sort it otherwise he’s going to get in deeper.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be...

I’d also worry that friend may actually have embezzled funds and is trying to repay them discretely - which could implicate OP and her DH after the fact?

25k, doesn’t want to tell his wife, his friend suddenly needs all of it?

… yes, I’m sure it has nothing to do with gambling and/or drugs.

Hang on.....your husband has got a business with a spare 25k floating around in it?