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Original poster

Is it impolite to be referred to as "the wife"?

39 replies

gollyimholly · 25/04/2025 09:30

I feel like it's a bit rude to be referred to as "the wife" but can't articulate why. If others agree, would you mind sharing why?

For context DH messaged an acquaintance to say he can't make X because he "needs to relieve the wife from babysitting duties......"

This person, I don't think, knows my name but I feel like DH could have at least referred to me as "my wife". And I don't know what all the ellipses are about either but maybe I'm being pedantic there too.

OP posts:
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Cynic17 · 26/04/2025 08:47

Yes, it's rude. I would expect "my wife" or just "Jane" (or whatever your name is).

ErrolTheDragon · 26/04/2025 08:41

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 26/04/2025 07:19

Using "the" is objectifying you and treating you as a possession. That is rude.

Exactly so. Like a household appliance or suchlike.
I’m not sure I’ve ever heard a woman refer to ‘the husband’.

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/04/2025 08:35

I'd feel very disrespected by 'the wife'. My wife is fine.

DilemmaDelilah · 26/04/2025 08:33

My XH once insisted I go with him to a do at his rugby club. He didn't introduce me to anybody, even as 'the wife' and he didn't introduce anyone to me. That is even worse than being called 'the wife' I think!

LlynTegid · 26/04/2025 07:31

I think referring by name is the best, or 'my wife'. 'The wife' or 'the missus' seems dated at best.

Cynicalaboutall · 26/04/2025 07:22

When I worked in a factory years ago all the men talk d about “the wife” . It sounded like there was only one and they shared her.
Not heard it for years though, quite nostalgic.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 26/04/2025 07:19

Using "the" is objectifying you and treating you as a possession. That is rude.

battairzeedurgzome · 26/04/2025 07:16

For example, I bet Nigel Farage says 'the wife'.

Well, he might, if he could actually keep one.

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 26/04/2025 06:50

Oh my EXH did that too… usually just within earshot. I hadn’t thought about it being akin to ‘the car’ ‘the dog’ but it’s true.

MixedBananas · 26/04/2025 06:41

purplecorkheart · 25/04/2025 09:56

This exactly

Show quote history

It will soon be a crime to say that about any pet or animal next. You watch.

WaryHiker · 26/04/2025 06:39

You lost me at babysitting! I'd have taken his head off for that alone.

sweetpickle2 · 26/04/2025 05:17

Honestly I’d expect the type of man who calls his partner “the wife” to go exactly hand in hand with the type of man who describes parenting his own children as “babysitting duties”.

Original poster
gollyimholly · 26/04/2025 05:13

I told him that I didn't like it and how it made me feel - he immediately apologised and said he didn't mean to be rude/reductive towards me and that wasn't his intention and won't refer to me like that again. He also did say it wasn't at all intended how I took it and felt it was the same as saying "my wife", he quickly got the gist of why it felt off when I used "the husband" in an example sentence. He won't often understand why some words or phrases or tone can be taken in a particular way until I explain why though.

OP posts:
unsync · 25/04/2025 20:50

My, thankfully now ex, H referred to me as "the current wife". He thought it hilarious and if I protested and said it wasn't funny, he just told me I didn’t understand northern humour. I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions.

Clearinguptheclutter · 25/04/2025 20:09

It’s totally rude and uncalled for. Makes you sound like some commodity. My wife or of course your name is fine.

however how is he babysitting if it’s his own kid? That’s worse! You don’t babysit your own kid, you parent!

SatanicAngel · 25/04/2025 20:02

DH will use the term "The Wife" occasionally, like I'll use "him indoors". It's a jokey way of referring to each other. If it was ever done disrespectfully, I'd hit the roof.

MoistVonL · 25/04/2025 19:24

“The wife” is ridiculously rude and reductive. He’s being very dismissive and disrespectful.

Thanks to a Finding Nemo fixation with Crush the Sea Turtle, we have Offspring and Parental Units - which can be misunderstood by people not in the family. So “The Missus” or similar could be an affectionate in joke, but otherwise it’s damned rude.

Timeforanotheraliasnow · 25/04/2025 19:19

The wife, the dog, the car, all possessions without personalities. I totally hate this. Attitude readjustment time…🤬🤬

Devilsmommy · 25/04/2025 19:04

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 25/04/2025 18:18

I’d have more of an issue with the babysitting duties. Is this for your own children? Surely it’s parenting?
I actually didn’t mind being called the missus or the wife when I wasn’t actually either as it was said in a way that conveyed care as well as a relationship and commitment. In a scenario which ended because there wasn’t actually any of it.
Men use these phrases between themselves so I wouldn’t personally be bothered about that but I’d draw the line at him thinking looking after his own kids is babysitting.

This is exactly what I'm like. My DH calls me the wife or her indoors in a jokey way but he knows if he ever referred to parenting our DS as babysitting I'd rip him a new one 😂

daisychain01 · 25/04/2025 18:59

The Wife = my possession, an object.

OP your DH may not be in the least bit misogynistic but using The Wife to describe you (probably his friendship group speak?) is quite insulting, yes.

Have a word and tell him the MN posse have given him a very hard time about it, and he needs to stop saying it 😊

Lookingtomakechanges · 25/04/2025 18:53

It’s typical lad talk, demeaning to women. You are not ‘the’ anything. Babysitting duties indeed! Do you get paid?

SwanOfThoseThings · 25/04/2025 18:52

Just start calling him 'the husband'.

tsmainsqueeze · 25/04/2025 18:47

Annialisting · 25/04/2025 09:45

It’s a demeaning term. It puts a wife in the same category as a dog.

yes , or a car !

Tooty78 · 25/04/2025 18:45

purplecorkheart · 25/04/2025 09:56

This exactly

Show quote history

'Our lass' is commonly used for wives and girlfriends in Yorkshire. Now that does sound like a dog !

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 25/04/2025 18:18

I’d have more of an issue with the babysitting duties. Is this for your own children? Surely it’s parenting?
I actually didn’t mind being called the missus or the wife when I wasn’t actually either as it was said in a way that conveyed care as well as a relationship and commitment. In a scenario which ended because there wasn’t actually any of it.
Men use these phrases between themselves so I wouldn’t personally be bothered about that but I’d draw the line at him thinking looking after his own kids is babysitting.

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