Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Unflip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

Original poster

Think our relationship is over. TW sexual assault

161 replies

Costacosta220 · 25/04/2025 07:59

I posted about this when I fist found out but 4 weeks ago my DS aged 19 disclosed to me he had been sexually assaulted by my partners brother. I have been with partner 7 years. He lives with us. I have younger children who are early teens. I have known the brother a couple of years longer as we had a shared hobby.

My son doesn't want to report it to the police. No evidence and his word against the brothers being the reasons. PP on that thread said to be led by my son and respect his wishes. He's doing OK with everything that's happened. He simply said he doesn't wish to be on his own at any time going forward with the brother. That's a given and won't happen. The man won't ever set foot in my house again.

I told my partner who was shocked. Upset. In denial. Trying to come up with a logical explanation. Angry. Suggests perhaps his brother is gay and attracted to younger men and has 'mis read' the signs. His other two brothers and their father have been told about it. I went with him to tell one brother. And they told the other brother and father a few days ago due to logistics of getting people together in the same place. No one wanted it done over the phone . I respected this timeframe. I haven't spoken to the man who assaulted my son. I haven't contacted him or approached him.

My partner and family say the brother will be spoken to... then what ???

It's caused so many rows in my house between us. He seems massively in denial and to be honest it's pissing me off. My son has been assaulted and he's trying to come up with reasons why it's all a misunderstanding. I am angry. Absolutely boiling with furious rage.

I feel I have let My son down by not going round there and beating this c**t into next week. I want now to tell the brother I know and to tell him he either admits it to the family (so they can stop their denial and delusion) or I am going to the police and will tell everyone. I am looking to shake him up basically.

He's got away with what he's done. Scott free.

My partner won't cut his brother off..he's said that. I haven't actually asked him to. I simply said it leaves a bad taste in my mouth that he would want to speak to him and associate with him any more than is humanly necessary. Eg at family gatherings when it can't be avoided. I don't like him trotting off to their hobby together or meeting up for finner etc. Its complicated by the fact they own a property together. Which the brother lives in and My partner stays at from time to time. He lives with us 95% of the time.

My partner has his family to speak to and he sees a Counsellor every few weeks (long before this happened ) so he has a safe space to discuss. I don't.. no one knows and I cannot tell my family. All hell will break lose. My family would 100 per cent cut off someone who did something like this if it was in our family. They have done before. Also my son doesn't want people knowing. Sadly there is a stigma about this kind of thing and he doesn't want it getting out.

I am just turning on my partner. I know its not his fault the blame lies with one person. But having a chat with the brother. Then what ? Nothings going to change. It will just be swept under the carpet won't it.

I am fucking angry and feel it's incredibly fucking disloyal to me and my son.

Any advice and sorry for the swearing but I am so so angry

OP posts:

Original poster

Costacosta220 · 25/04/2025 08:48

Balloonhearts · 25/04/2025 08:44

Jesus. Wtf are you still with your partner? I would fucking murder someone who sexually assaulted my kids. Not go ah well it's his brother, he can't cut him off. Yes, the fuck he can! If he doesn't, you should be cutting HIM off.

I haven't bloody said that. Have you actually read anything i have written

OP posts:

CrazyCatMam · 25/04/2025 08:47

He won’t admit it. You’re deluded if you think this.

He groomed your son, he likely has groomed many others. He’s manipulative and plays the victim, you’ve said as much. Why would he admit it? Sex offenders deny, deny, deny. They shift the blame and twist reality.

Didshejustsaythatoutloud · 25/04/2025 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

😲

Balloonhearts · 25/04/2025 08:44

Original poster

Costacosta220 · 25/04/2025 08:44

Maxi77 · 25/04/2025 08:35

I'm very sorry this has happened to you and your son OP. It's a horrible situation and very difficult to navigate.

I agree that you need to respect your sons wishes atm. You could suggest he speaks to a professional support person (counsellor etc). He may also see things differently at some point and decide to report it, but it's his decision to make.

Apologies if this has already been asked, but what is your son and partners relationship like? Have they spoken together about this issue? Your partner is also in a very difficult situation and it may take him a while to process it and realise what he needs to do. Denying what happened (or at least the intent behind it) may be his initial reaction. Could it perhaps be useful for you to jointly discuss with a counsellor?

My son and partner get on great and always have done. My partner has spoken to him about what happened. I was there.

I have explained why he should report it and the importance it could have in future. He said he wanted some time to think but wanted the other brothers and father told .

My son so far simply has said he doesn't want to be on his own with the brother. As I say he won't be . The man won't ever come in the house again. He didn't come round loads anyway . Last may was the last time.

My son also said I was put of order expecting him to cut his brother off . He seems to think my anger is OTT and I am being unfair to my partner.

It's making me doubt myself.

My partner spoke to his Counsellor last week and the feeling was they see my stance but I don't have the right to ask or expect he cuts him off. It's all a total head fuck and mess . If the brother admits what he's done the blinkers will fall from the families eyes. They will have to accept what he is.

I don't know whether to approach the brother.. my safety won't be in jeopardy or anything. But I want that dirty bustard to face me for what he's done

OP posts:

CrazyCatMam · 25/04/2025 08:43

You need to end it with your partner, and in no way should you put this on your son. Don’t ask what he thinks. Of course he will want to keep things as they are. He won’t want to rock the boat.

But you need to end things with your partner. It’s non negotiable. You cannot continue a relationship with him. Your son will thank you for this in the future.

Also, if this hobby gives the brother access to young men then I think you should tell the leader - at least they’ll know. They don’t have to do anything with the information, nor do they have to believe it, but even just hearing it might be enough for them to keep an eye out and step in if they see something inappropriate.

GBooArt · 25/04/2025 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Another first post to try to stir this up and stress the poor OP out. So predictable on MN. How can this possibly be their fault?!

Ladamesansmerci · 25/04/2025 08:41

You can't stay with him, OP. He's an enabler, and doesn't believe your son.

One day your son might have children, then it will click with him how truly awful it is that his mum didn't leave his abuser.

Conistonhawks · 25/04/2025 08:38

of course your son has said he does not want your partner to break off contact with his brother- he has said this for your sake.

Right I am done with this thread. Even though you now say you are going to leave him it’s obvious you are looking for validation to stay with him. Please get your son some therapy so he might get the strength in the future to start his life over without the people who have betrayed him.

Addictedtohotbaths · 25/04/2025 08:38

This will stay with your son forever.

if you don’t leave you partner your son will remember how you didn’t protect and stick up for him, it will damage your relationship and there will be no going back.

Speaking from experience.

Original poster

Costacosta220 · 25/04/2025 08:36

Pikablue · 25/04/2025 08:30

Sadly lots of women are.

Show quote history

My son wasn't raped. I did not say that.

His brother was play fighting / horse play with my son and touched him inappropriately which is sexual assault. All day long it is. I believe the hugging / play fighting was a way of getting close to him and hiding in plain sight. I have said this quite clearly to my partner. But this is what seems to have confused him. He's said are you sure he wasn't mucking about and touched him by accident .

Abusers are very clever and will groom and find a way to get close to someone. Which is what I believe happened. But someone play fighting is a very covert under the radar way of committing an assault.

OP posts:

Maxi77 · 25/04/2025 08:35

I'm very sorry this has happened to you and your son OP. It's a horrible situation and very difficult to navigate.

Viviennemary · 25/04/2025 08:33

They are all complicit in this. You need to get thr lot if them out if your lives. End of.

Choccy11 · 25/04/2025 08:32

I can't imagine how your son feels knowing his mother's partner is socialising with his abuser. It would be the end of the relationship for me as this tells you a lot about your partner. I would sever all connections with his family.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 25/04/2025 08:31

SO LEAVE HIM.

Lovelysummerdays · 25/04/2025 08:31

Ithink I would be encouraging DS to report to the police. Perhaps with the understanding it’s unlikely to go anywhere but Ido think it builds up a picture of predatory males.

I also think I’d be considering ending the relationship,I wouldn’t be willing to have DS encounter his abuser at family gatherings whilst the whole thing is minimised and repainted as a bit of an overreaction.

Ido wonder if he’d feel more free to report to authorities if he knew he’d never have to see his abuser/ abusers family again.

Original poster

Costacosta220 · 25/04/2025 08:30

I think people need to understand we have all been plunged into a nightmare not of our making.

For what it's worth my son actually thinks I am unreasonable expecting my partner to cut his brother off. He says its his brother and he doesn't know if he could cut off one of his siblings.

I actually came here because the relationship needs to end. Because I am furious and disgusted at them all. Because his brother should be locked up or in a wheelchair right now. Yes the hobby leader should be told but there's a very fine line spreading allegations like that around to get him kicked out of a hobby when there's no proof and the police aren't involved. He's not been convicted of any crime. I know he did it. I believe my son but the fact is you can't go around making claims and having people kicked off of things with nothing to back it up. My son won't be going back to take part . That's the only way it can he managed. As I say if I had my way everyone everywhere would know trust me.

I came here to ask about this as people seem to think I am unreasonable for wanting him to fuck his brother off to the far side of fuck and if he won't for me to end it. I am not here as I am fighting for My relationship.

I cannot express in words how absolutely full of fage hate and anger I am..and alot of it is aimed to my partner.

OP posts:

Pikablue · 25/04/2025 08:30

LifeExperience · 25/04/2025 08:28

Are you so desperate for a man that you would stay with one, who, in his heart, really doesn't care that his brother raped your son?

Sadly lots of women are.

Conistonhawks · 25/04/2025 08:30

It will leave a bad taste in your mouth if he speaks to his brother again!!!! WTF.

sorry op if you stay with his man you are are fucking disgrace. He has said he won’t cut out his brother. So how the hell is your soon meant to deal with that.

and to the posters accusing people of laying into the op she bloody deserves it.

as someone who was sexual assaulted by a family member and is still feeling the effects today I honestly think I may have done myself a harm if members of my own family had seen fit to stay in touch with him (he was my cousin) but he was cut off completely straight away as were a few members of the family who defended him. He was good mates with my brother who cut him off without a moments hesitation.

LifeExperience · 25/04/2025 08:28

Are you so desperate for a man that you would stay with one, who, in his heart, really doesn't care that his brother raped your son?

Hoppinggreen · 25/04/2025 08:26

I have explained to my son in my opinion it should be logged with the police in case he's done it before. Or does it again. I truly believe that and that is what I will do if my son when he gets home today repeats again he doesn't want to report it.

I don't think you can actually just log things with the Police. if you report a crime they will decide whether to proceed not you

TaylorSwish · 25/04/2025 08:26

Costacosta220 · 25/04/2025 08:22

As it stands he hasn't met up with his brother or socialised with him in the last 4 weeks. He's spoken to him on the phone after the brother called him. But in the future I am saying it will leave a had taste in my mouth if he does. He has said he can't just completely cut his brother off.

My partner hasn't said he doesn't believe my son. Neither have his brothers or father. All of them have expressed their disgust. They have had alot of issues with this brother over the years in various ways and are at the end of their tether with his behaviour (nothing criminal but think attention seeking, playing the Victim. Playing the mental health card saying he will kill himself when called out on his crap ) Do I think they are worried fearful.

My partners mother passed away a few years ago and he keeps saying what would my mum want me to do? They all seem blinded by FOG. I don't think it's a malicious thing they simply don't want to believe he would be capable.

I work in a criminal justice field and this could be important later as a chat off the family isnt going to do anything to stop someone with these behaviours.

They can’t be that disgusted or they would stop lunches and days out with him. They clearly want to carry on. They will be sat at the pub laughing and joking with the man who hurt your son.

I wonder if he’s done it before and they know!

Hoppinggreen · 25/04/2025 08:25

Your poor son, SA is horrific no matter how old the victim is and 19 is still quite young.
I can see why this Abusers family would try and deny and/or minimise it, they would prefer to believe it was a misunderstanding BUT you need to leave this relationship and have nothing to do with any of them now.
Apart from anything can you imagine how awful it must be for your son to be in the same room as your partner, knowing what his brother did?
You also need to make sure your son feels no guilt for the end of your relationship, of course it will NOT be his fault but guilt can be complicated.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 25/04/2025 08:24

@Costacosta220 He has said he can't just completely cut his brother off.

What a disgusting POS he is. Why the hell are you making excuses for him? As a mother, I'm completely gobsmacked by your behaviour.

Curioushoney · 25/04/2025 08:24

But in the future I am saying it will leave a had taste in my mouth if he does.

anyone else just thought WTF when they read this?

Unflip

1 2 3 4 5 6 7