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Original poster

Think our relationship is over. TW sexual assault

161 replies

Costacosta220 · 25/04/2025 07:59

I posted about this when I fist found out but 4 weeks ago my DS aged 19 disclosed to me he had been sexually assaulted by my partners brother. I have been with partner 7 years. He lives with us. I have younger children who are early teens. I have known the brother a couple of years longer as we had a shared hobby.

My son doesn't want to report it to the police. No evidence and his word against the brothers being the reasons. PP on that thread said to be led by my son and respect his wishes. He's doing OK with everything that's happened. He simply said he doesn't wish to be on his own at any time going forward with the brother. That's a given and won't happen. The man won't ever set foot in my house again.

I told my partner who was shocked. Upset. In denial. Trying to come up with a logical explanation. Angry. Suggests perhaps his brother is gay and attracted to younger men and has 'mis read' the signs. His other two brothers and their father have been told about it. I went with him to tell one brother. And they told the other brother and father a few days ago due to logistics of getting people together in the same place. No one wanted it done over the phone . I respected this timeframe. I haven't spoken to the man who assaulted my son. I haven't contacted him or approached him.

My partner and family say the brother will be spoken to... then what ???

It's caused so many rows in my house between us. He seems massively in denial and to be honest it's pissing me off. My son has been assaulted and he's trying to come up with reasons why it's all a misunderstanding. I am angry. Absolutely boiling with furious rage.

I feel I have let My son down by not going round there and beating this c**t into next week. I want now to tell the brother I know and to tell him he either admits it to the family (so they can stop their denial and delusion) or I am going to the police and will tell everyone. I am looking to shake him up basically.

He's got away with what he's done. Scott free.

My partner won't cut his brother off..he's said that. I haven't actually asked him to. I simply said it leaves a bad taste in my mouth that he would want to speak to him and associate with him any more than is humanly necessary. Eg at family gatherings when it can't be avoided. I don't like him trotting off to their hobby together or meeting up for finner etc. Its complicated by the fact they own a property together. Which the brother lives in and My partner stays at from time to time. He lives with us 95% of the time.

My partner has his family to speak to and he sees a Counsellor every few weeks (long before this happened ) so he has a safe space to discuss. I don't.. no one knows and I cannot tell my family. All hell will break lose. My family would 100 per cent cut off someone who did something like this if it was in our family. They have done before. Also my son doesn't want people knowing. Sadly there is a stigma about this kind of thing and he doesn't want it getting out.

I am just turning on my partner. I know its not his fault the blame lies with one person. But having a chat with the brother. Then what ? Nothings going to change. It will just be swept under the carpet won't it.

I am fucking angry and feel it's incredibly fucking disloyal to me and my son.

Any advice and sorry for the swearing but I am so so angry

OP posts:
CiscoTS · 25/04/2025 09:15

heldinadream · 25/04/2025 08:16

@Costacosta220 I have no idea why pp are coming down hard on you. I think you are in an appalling situation and you and your son are both still reeling and trying to work out what to do. It seems to me that your bottom line is that you have your son's back. That's right, that's the correct baseline. You are doing great.
If your partner doesn't come round sooner rather than later to seeing your pov, then the relationship will, indeed be over. You seem to know this.
The best practical advice I can give you is to get some emergency support for you, counselling, therapy, whatever you can find. You need to be as strong as you can be for your poor son.
Wishing you both well. Take care of yourself please. 💐

Because those who have not lived it cannot possibly say they would do XYZ in a situation. They can THINK they know, but they really don’t, just like the posters who say they would leave their OH if they cheated etc., then when it happens they come back and say “oh, I always thought I’d leave but…”

It’s pure ignorance, that’s all.

Original poster
Costacosta220 · 25/04/2025 09:14

TaylorSwish · 25/04/2025 09:08

It’s been said that he will be there but not alone with them.

Show quote history

It hasn't at all.
I was told I needed to find out if he's done this to my other kids. I said there's no chance as he has never ever been alone with them. And he won't be in future . He won't ever see them full stop. He had the alone time with older son due to a hobby and the fact they are both adults and my son Met up with him one day .

Would be helpful if people actually read properly and stopped making things up

OP posts:
Totallytoti · 25/04/2025 09:13

The entire post is my son is so important but but but, and yet you haven’t ended your relationship? What do you need time to think and dither about? Get rid of your partner and your kids will never have to be in their presence again. But no, typical woman places man first. No excuses whatsoever why you haven’t left or kicked him out already.

TaylorSwish · 25/04/2025 09:12

Are any of your children your partners? Would it be different for them if it happened to one of them?

Original poster
Costacosta220 · 25/04/2025 09:10

Endofyear · 25/04/2025 09:02

Your partner's brother sexually assaulted your son and your partner isn't willing to cut his brother off? I'm afraid that I would not be able to continue the relationship. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who puts his relationship with his brother before his relationship with your son.

You are not unreasonable to be furious and wanting to lash out at the man who assaulted your son. That is a completely natural reaction. I don't see how your relationship can survive this if your partner is wanting to continue to have his brother in his life.

Yes got it in one.

My exact words wereyour more worried about tip toeing around a 40 year old nonce than my son who's only just out of childhood who you have known since he was 12 years old . Fuck your brother he's lucky he's still breathing air.

It's disgraceful .

I am trying to be mindful of others involved

I also wish people would read what I have written.

My partner is not my sons father.

I haven't asked my son what I should do regards my relatinship. At all. I haven't and never would. I asked my son if he had thought anymore on going to the police. Pp on my other thread very clearly said I should he led by him not influence him and not pressure him. So I haven't. If It were down to me it would have been reported the same day I was told.

I simply said to my son I personally think that C**t should be cut off dead by (partners name) brother or not. I wouldn't even want to breathe the same air as him. And thats when my son said your being completely unfair its his brother. I don't know if I could cut one of my siblings off. He's an adult with his own thoughts feelings and opinions. We don't always agree that's for sure.

OP posts:
TaylorSwish · 25/04/2025 09:08

Simplynotsimple · 25/04/2025 09:06

I haven’t seen any mention that the brother has been allowed near the OP’s children since this has come out? Happy to be pointed out where I’m wrong. Or are you accusing her husband/other family members of grooming as well?

Show quote history

It’s been said that he will be there but not alone with them.

Simplynotsimple · 25/04/2025 09:06

TaylorSwish · 25/04/2025 08:58

But he’s not cut off from the family. They don’t want to cut him off. That’s the whole issue.

Also the OP is aware her family has been groomed and is letting it continue.

Edited
Show quote history

I haven’t seen any mention that the brother has been allowed near the OP’s children since this has come out? Happy to be pointed out where I’m wrong. Or are you accusing her husband/other family members of grooming as well?

GeorgianaM · 25/04/2025 09:05

@Curioushoney

'The brother was able to sexually abuse a very young boy

and now the OP tells her partner and her partner doesn’t cut links and the Op is still with him??!

this entire family would be out of my children’s lives forever from within an hour of my DS confiding in me'

19 isn't a very young boy. He's an adult male. At that age my son was travelling all over the world. You can't blame the op over the young man being assaulted.

However, I do agree with you that the op should finish it with her partner and cut all ties to him and his family in order to support her son.

I do think though that she should be pushing him to go to the police so that even if nothing is done through lack of evidence, it has been recorded as a complaint which may be taken into account if others report the man for assault.

Endofyear · 25/04/2025 09:02

Your partner's brother sexually assaulted your son and your partner isn't willing to cut his brother off? I'm afraid that I would not be able to continue the relationship. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who puts his relationship with his brother before his relationship with your son.

You are not unreasonable to be furious and wanting to lash out at the man who assaulted your son. That is a completely natural reaction. I don't see how your relationship can survive this if your partner is wanting to continue to have his brother in his life.

dontforgetme · 25/04/2025 09:01

So you’re still willing to be in the same room as this sick bastard at family gatherings because ‘it can’t be avoided’ ? It absolutely can be avoided. 100% avoided. Sorry your son had to go through this op, time to leave your partner, bags packed and off he fucks. Today.

CrazyCatMam · 25/04/2025 09:00

I think you’re probably in shock and it’ll take you a while to process this fully. Then you will realise that you have no choice but to end your relationship. I’ve no doubt that if you don’t end it now, you will at some point. Things will never be the same between you and your partner again.

lanadelgrey · 25/04/2025 08:59

You need time and space to work out what to do, and that means what you want to do and the possible repercussions for your life. Contact rape crisis services and they should be able to point you in the direction of some support for you.
Are the younger DCs from this or an earlier relationship?
At v least, ask your partner to give you space by moving out for a bit.
It sounds as if it at base it is either your partner cuts all contact with the brother or the relationship ends. You need to think through what either of those would look like for you

SunnySideDeepDown · 25/04/2025 08:59

Nothing other than cutting him off is acceptable.

Bad taste in your mouth? Your child has been abused! Your partner should be out the door if he wants to maintain a relationship with an abuser/paedophile.

Original poster
Costacosta220 · 25/04/2025 08:58

Yes none of us. Me my son my other kids wouldnt go to anything he was at. It disgusts me my partner would even want to be in the same room as him. I am appalled by it and to be honest hoping reality sinks in the scales fall from his eyes and he comes to the same conclusion himself. He seems to be in a massive state of shock denial and not able to cope with what he's been told. Because the entire family have made excuses for brothers shit manipulative behaviour his whole life I guess they are all deeply entrenched in those roles now. I think he's scared his brother might try taking his own life and he will feel guilty. As I say it's all a fucked up awful nightmare .

I have been very clear brushing this under the carpet helps no one and will come back to haunt them all. He doesn't seem to be able to accept what I am saying.

As I say he's not seen his brother or been around him at all. But long term I have no idea what happens. His brother in my eyes should be locked up and shunned by everyone everywhere . That's my view

OP posts:
TaylorSwish · 25/04/2025 08:58

Simplynotsimple · 25/04/2025 08:56

@Costacosta220 Id ask to get your thread moved, AIBU only leads to completely misreading and misinterpreting your words, or like @Curioushoney coming out with their own vile comments because it’s a fun drama to them and not a real situation that you’re dealing with as best you can. You’re obviously trying to follow your son’s lead, but also trying to hold on to your own normality. Absolutely no one knows how they’d react to SA happening in their family until it happens. It’s all well and good these posters saying they’d be on a warpath, cutting off every last person associated with the accused. The complications of reality are so much different. As long as the brother is cut off from your family, at the moment supporting your son is the only thing to focus on.

But he’s not cut off from the family. They don’t want to cut him off. That’s the whole issue.

Also the OP is aware her family has been groomed and is letting it continue.

Roseshavethorns · 25/04/2025 08:58

OP you are in an awful position.
You are doing the right thing by your son. You believed him (the most important thing) and are giving him his power back letting him decide whether it is reported or not. Believe me he will never ever forget you were there for him.
For a 19 year old to have told his mum that this has happened means that it has had a profound effect on him. The way he has described it to you (as a result of horseplay) may be his way of making it less awful to himself.
The relationship with your partner is a different thing. Your partner has let you down in the worst way. He isn't there supporting you as you go through one of the worst situations a parent can go through. His reaction should have been to give you everything you needed and more, no matter what the personal cost. He failed. He has failed you and your child.
Will you ever trust him to stand by you?

Balloonhearts · 25/04/2025 08:58

Costacosta220 · 25/04/2025 08:48

I haven't bloody said that. Have you actually read anything i have written

Show quote history

Yes I have. This part here specifically.

My partner won't cut his brother off..he's said that. I haven't actually asked him to. I simply said it leaves a bad taste in my mouth that he would want to speak to him and associate with him any more than is humanly necessary.

I honestly can't believe you haven't told him to cut the brother off or to get out and don't come back. What a pathetic excuse for a father. He sexually abused his son fgs!

ComeAsYouAreAsAFriend · 25/04/2025 08:58

I am so sorry op it is an extremely confusing and emotive time for you all. Your first priority is to protect your son which I believe you are doing. Your partner is still processing the enormity of what his brother has done and I would say is not quite there yet. My cousin was arrested, convicted and imprisoned for having child abuse images on his pc. It completely blindsided the entire family we all dealt with it completely differently, we only found out when it got to court because he was named so his immediate family had to let us all know. Each of us dealt with it very differently and some do still maintain contact despite the horrific crime. Your son was sexually assaulted at an event which seems to have nothing to do with your home, you didn't invite him in to our home he was at a hobby, he is an adult and he has explained how he wants to deal with this. I would try and separate who did it and try and explore how you would react and what you would do if this person was not known to you. Go with that, try not to get caught up with the link between the abuser and your partner that is confusing you and muddying the waters.
Set the boundaries for your partner what is your red line? You can't force him to go no contact that is his decision but you need to decide what it would mean to your son if this person is still hanging around in the background. I am so sorry that this has brought immense trauma to you, your family and your poor son. I think some of the responses are unfair it is clear you want to do the best by your son but still unsure what that is. I would encourage your son to seek help from a sexual assault charity for therapeutic and professional support on what his options are.

MargotB · 25/04/2025 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I agree @Curioushoney

The partner would be out of my life in these circumstances. The partner's denial of sexual assault and maintaining a relationship with the perpetrator is dreadful. I wouldn't be able to look at him again, let alone sleep with him!

Simplynotsimple · 25/04/2025 08:56

@Costacosta220 Id ask to get your thread moved, AIBU only leads to completely misreading and misinterpreting your words, or like @Curioushoney coming out with their own vile comments because it’s a fun drama to them and not a real situation that you’re dealing with as best you can. You’re obviously trying to follow your son’s lead, but also trying to hold on to your own normality. Absolutely no one knows how they’d react to SA happening in their family until it happens. It’s all well and good these posters saying they’d be on a warpath, cutting off every last person associated with the accused. The complications of reality are so much different. As long as the brother is cut off from your family, at the moment supporting your son is the only thing to focus on.

Greenartywitch · 25/04/2025 08:53

Why are you still with your partner OP?

His first reaction for to try to deny or minimise his brother's action and to question your son's version of the events and he is still enabling his brother to get away with it.

Never put a man above the welfare of your kids.

Personally I would have stopped all contact with him and his family straight away.

You are also being unfair by seemingly putting the burden on your son to tell you to do this.

''@SaladSandwichesForTea ·
Your son will be reminded of the assault everytime he looks at or hears about your partner. It will, at best, extend the time and pain he is experiencing. Your son comes first.''

Exactly!

OP you are also teaching your son with your behaviour that his boundaries can be violated without any consequences for the perpetrator. That's not a message you want him to take on into adulthood...

Motherofdragons24 · 25/04/2025 08:50

You absolutely need to end the relationship OP. Your son should never ever have to be in a room (alone or not!) with that man again and if your partner isn’t 100% on board with that and willing to cut him out of his life then he needs to go as well. And that’s it really, there’s nothing else to say or do. He doesn’t want to go to the police that’s fine and completely his valid choice to make but no he shouldn’t have to see the man again, even in family gatherings.

Showerflowers · 25/04/2025 08:49

Costacosta220 · 25/04/2025 08:48

I haven't bloody said that. Have you actually read anything i have written

Show quote history

Op you said you’ve not even asked your partner to cut him off. That’s shocking to me

SaladSandwichesForTea · 25/04/2025 08:48

Your relationship has to end, not just because of your partners reaction but because your partner is related to a perpetrator of sexual abuse to your son.

Your son will be reminded of the assault everytime he looks at or hears about your partner. It will, at best, extend the time and pain he is experiencing. Your son comes first.

Showerflowers · 25/04/2025 08:48

partygate · 25/04/2025 08:17

How you respond now is critical to how your son heals from this. Your son hasn’t gone to the police because he fears he won’t be believed. And your partner is showing he doesn’t believe him. By staying with him you are also showing part of you doesn’t believe it or is minimising it. All your son sees is you staying with someone who is still keen to have the abuser in your life.

This sums it up perfectly.

im so sorry this has happened to your son. When this happened in our family, every single one of us supported the victim. No minimising, no excuses. And they felt safe and protected. And that’s how it should be. If any of my family had tried to minimise or excuse any of it they too would have been cut out!.

in fact I’d go so far as to say that any person who can effectively forgive or minimise sexual assault and still have a relationship with the perpetrator would in fact become a worry to me. It’d say a lot to me about their view on s/a and I’d be very wary of them .