Think our relationship is over. TW sexual assault

Lots of posters seem to be missing the point that your son is an adult and doesn’t want anyone to know.

I would encourage him to report it OP. It may be difficult to prove- many sexual assaults are- they often happen in private.

but it could help someone else who reports something similar. It won’t become public knowledge as your DS’s identity will be protected.

i think your partners behaviour is a depressingly common reaction. No one wants to think that their loved one is capable of this.

as a victim of child SA, I have little sympathy for your DP, but it may be that he’s in denial and will come round.

i think you need to go to counselling. So does your son.

I think the key thing is whether you want your relationship to continue. Your DP isn’t the person you thought he was, so you need to have a conversation about it.

Personally I think my relationship would be over.

Yet he hasn't, has he? With joint ownership, he does not need to just leave the brother living there without taking action. A normal person faced with an abuser of their step child would sever joint tenancy into tenants in common, request sale or buy-out, and if that fails apply to court under section 14 the Trusts of Land and Appointment of Trustees Act 1996 (TOLATA).

A man who thinks it's fine for his step son to be abused, on the other hand, lets the abuser keep the benefit of the shared property. That's your bloke. Well done.

So you don’t think that the OP is failing her son by carrying on having her boyfriend reside in her son’s home, the boyfriend who has no intention of stopping seeing his brother. The brother who sexually assaulted her son?

Nah. I was on the previous thread about this under another name.

It's a grim thing to have happened but he wasn't actually hurt,

I had to read this a few times

W. T. A. F

i hope to heaven you don’t have any children

Another perspective OP - I was groped by my grandad, over clothing, a few times when I was 16, in a slightly ambiguous / could-be-explained-away way. I never told anyone, and if me telling the family resulted in my mum cutting him off I think I would have felt huge guilt over the end of their relationship. I know lots of people here are telling you to end your relationship with your partner but I wouldn't rush into anything. You are all in shock. I think you probably need counselling of your own and you all need some time to process this.

It's a grim thing to have happened but he wasn't actually hurt, and I think being believed by you and never having the brother in your house again is enough for him to feel like you're on his side. Whereas seeing you end an otherwise happy relationship because of this could be a lot for him to carry.

I'm not saying you should ignore your anger or ignore the way your partner is minimising this because that is quite rubbish of him, but just not to rush into anything so that your son sees the sequence of events as him telling you what happened and you ending your relationship as a result. That would be a lot for him to carry and you don't want him to blame himself and wish he had never told you. Hopefully, your partner will come round over time and cut his brother off. And if he doesn't you may not want to continue to be with him, but I would try and make the end of the relationship, if that is the ultimate outcome, seem like it's unconnected, as far as your kids are concerned.

Your partner doesn't want to break the relationship with the monster OP so leave. Your angry about not going around and beating the brother up but you need to be more angry at yourself for not leaving dp when he refused to break all ties with someone who assaulted YOUR son. For God's sake, give your head a wobble

And, yet, you're still with your partner.

Her son is 19yrs old. The assault happened recently.

What was your reaction? Horror at a poster saying the op had failed her son?

anything else to add?

Think this is the only way to show commitment to your son

Nope. Because your reaction was unhelpful, and I stand by mine.

You mention your partner's having counselling.
Have you considered counselling for yourself to help you get your head round this?
Your title says you think your relationship is over but in your comments you don't seem minded to leave.

@GarlicSmile but it's very rare to cut contact.

these disagreements you’ve had with family members… anything even remotely close to this horrific situation?

I don't know what I'd do if I heard one of my brothers had sexually assaulted a young person. In my family it's normal to make disapproval clear, and we argue, but it's very rare to cut contact. I'm sympathetic to your partner in that regard.

If I had personal responsibilities to the young person, I'd obviously ensure my brother had no further access to them. You've done this and your partner supports it. I really sympathise with your predicament - and, yes, it may mean the end of your relationship. I feel you're right to wait a while until the shock settles, you've been able to talk more and you've decided whether you want to make him choose between his sex-pest brother and you.

I agree it would be better for DS to report the incident, not necessarily in the expectation of action but so that it's marked against the perpetrator's name. As you know, information permits patterns to be formed and sexual offenders tend to escalate.

You sound like a great mum. Wishing you and DS all the appropriate support you may need.

Sometimes I was a thread and the OP’s response to a situation is so unfathomable to me that I’m left scratching my head in horrified disbelief

this is one of those

You are a great dm. You believed your ds immediately.

I only have experience with a small dc being assaulted but I was told (via dc's therapist) that it being dealt with ASAP was vital for long term recovery.. Having the family still in your ds's life won't be helpful in this. Given they are happy to have it brushed under the carpet means you need to take action.. If ds won't report it to the police you can aid his recovery by removing the lot of them. Imo.

Your son is a young adult still navigating the world so he needs you to take control. The only thing you can do is ask your partner to leave. Plus encourage your son to make a police statement as the brother will only go on to abuse further. It must be really hard situation for you but if you don’t do something now then your son is potentially in line for severe mental health consequences. I wish him well and wish you strength x

This is EXACTLY what happens and it’s very easy to see why when you read some of the replies on here.

He’s ok with it as he’s treated his brother like it didn’t happen.

He is wanting to still see the brother, he allows the brother to continue living in the shared property, he has begun minimising events, and he has been talking about misunderstandings. Each of these individually show that he is FINE with the behaviour. Collectively it's conclusive.

If you stay this is what I’m picturing..
A couple more years of.. My brothers on his own this Christmas, he didn’t really mean it you know.. Excuse after excuse to down play that his brother likes to sexually assault people.
Few years down the line.. You get called into work unexpectedly and your partner is left alone with your younger children. He was meant to meet his brother that day for lunch but can’t make it now because your not at home.. A phone call later.. Just come round to mine bruv, she won’t be back for hours and she’s over dramatic anyway.
Hey presto, Another one of your children having to deal with this creep.
He doesn’t give a shit about your son or his disgust would match your own.
His family have shown you who they are, believe them.

At what point has it been said the partner was ok with it?

This is a really difficult situation, and whilst I understand the whole LTB being screamed here, we have to remember there is an entire family here who will be affected by this. The young teen children who have had this guy in their lives from a young age will presumably be upset if the family breaks up too. OP’s partner is in an impossible situation too. Cutting off his brother could lead to him losing his entire family, that’s not an easy decision to make, even with the abhorrent things his brother has done. We’d all like to think we’d walk away from family for something like this but unless we are in that situation it is impossible to say we would.

That said, ultimately the relationship is doomed unless he turns his back on his brother, and OP is clear about that, so let’s leave off suggesting she is a terrible mother for not having packed her bags and leaving immediately.

@Costacosta220I know this is really tough, you want the guy to pay for what he has done. You are doing the right thing by supporting your son in his decisions. Reporting an assault can be a traumatic thing to do. If he is comfortable with not taking it further and reporting it to the police, you need to re-frame your anger and focus your energies on moving on. Maybe, in time, your son will decide to report it, but for now that’s not what is important. Ranting here should have been the cathartic thing you needed but the MN vipers have decided to blame you for the actions of two men. You are not to blame for any of this.