Think our relationship is over. TW sexual assault

You do need to break up with him because it is very difficult for some people to take the steps that absolutely need to be taken. But you are getting a very hard time here from posters who are so unequivocally SURE they know what they would do. You are reeling from this grenade that has been detonated in your life. You need to process…you are processing what has happened. It’s very complex and hard to navigate.

My brother sexually assaulted me when I was 24. I told my divorced parents and the general line to this day, 20 years later, is he was drunk, he didn’t know what he was doing, he was very messed up in those days. I cut contact with my brother completely but my parents didn’t and they didn’t tell anyone else in the family. I slowly watched myself disappear from the family because it was me that refused to be in the same room as him so it was me that didn’t go to family events or meet ups. I didn’t see him for ten years until I had to choose between not going to my Nan’s funeral or seeing him.

It wasn’t that they closed ranks against me. They just didn’t want to have to deal with it so it was never mentioned, never addressed and never brought up in relation to whether he would be included.

I think it will be very hard for your partner’s family to take any action. And I would imagine it would become harder and harder for your partner to have any conviction to draw any lines. My own parents couldn’t. They were horrified at first, they did check on my welfare and expressed upset at what he did to me. They talked a lot about ensuring space from him, and supporting me. But within a few months, the first few sounds of excuses on his behalf began.

Now it’s been completely re-branded as an accident.

It won’t work, it just can’t work. He will turn to denial and the assault will be turned into something else. So yes you need to leave him, it was over as soon as the assault happened, really. I’m sorry this is happening to you and your son. You deserve grace at this time, you are handling a lot.

Leave your partner. Report brother to the police instantly.
Sorry, but not doing so leaves potential for him to do this again to somebody else. I understand your son is reluctant. But he is witnessing you staying with the brother of this low life who has done the worst possible thing to him. It would be different if DP was supportive and making the right gestures (confronting brother, cutting him off). Sorry but him not doing those things suggests that ultimately he doesn’t believe brother is in the wrong. So you need rid of him instantly.

I agree with this

You really aren’t reading what I said are you?

I’ve said the OP needs to end the relationship if he won’t change his mind about his brother and cut him off.

but her children are not in immediate danger because their step dad’s brother has sexually assaulted an adult. He is banned from the home.

but the number of judgemental arseholes on this thread is unbelievable. I’d be interested to see how many of you would immediately split up with your DH in the same situation. ( lots of you I suspect are the ‘not my Nigel’ brigade- but its exactly people like your Nigel who condone abusers)

To not acknowledge that this is a painful (while also inevitable) decision for OP shows a lack of empathy and compassion for OP.

what I’m saying is that the OP isn’t letting down her kids because her partner continues to live with her at the moment

you’re pretty much on your own with that view @Emptybookshelves3 (thank goodness)

Are you saying the children are at risk from a person because they are related to an abuser?
that is nonsense.

hands up! I do

Why? Shows a level of selfishness and poor judgement that would indicate this person is NOT someone I want around my child let alone living with my child

you are talking as if the partner is the attacker. he isn’t. Not letting the abuser anywhere near her kids is the instinctual response. that is what OP is doing.

the DP is an idiot and is in denial. But it’s common for people to disbelieve that a loved one is capable of being an abuser. But if he can’t cut off his brother then can’t see how OP can have a relationship with him.

And you are wilfully disregarding my wider point.

Are you saying the children are at risk from a person because they are related to an abuser?

that is nonsense.

what I’m saying is that the OP isn’t letting down her kids because her partner continues to live with her at the moment.

going forward, the relationship is doomed because the DP won’t accept what his brother has done and cut him off.

long term, staying with DP would damage OP’s relationship with her adult son and set a bad example for her kids.

as I said, it’s complex and horrible situation.

making out the OP is letting paedophiles hang out with her kids is ridiculous and this type of reaction is exactly why victims of sa in families often keep quiet. ( I say that as someone who experienced sexual abuse as a child and I have zero tolerance for condoning abusers.)

The OP started this thread because she feels the relationship is over but is reeling over what happened. You don’t have to slag her off.

Have you told your partner that because of their (non) reaction you are going to have to leave (or him, don't know who owns the house)?

What did he say?

She is asking for support to navigate a complex issue. Half the posters on here don’t seem grasp that.

we grasp it

we find it utterly unfathomable it’s not an instinctual reaction to get this partner out of the home of her children

however, it’s not a safeguarding issue.

the op has younger children

no fucking way would I the share the home of my children with someone who has a relationship with a sexual abuser. It shows catastrophic poor judgement and I’d argue a safeguarding risk. One you don’t seem to think exists, which is concerning to say the least

ultimately, if he decodes not to cut off his brother, he is condoning what his brother did.

I understand the sentiment, but I disagree with this. I think you can continue to love a flawed person without condoning what they did. The mothers of murderers often still visit them in prison, hating what they did, but still loving their child.

The issue isn’t the DP’s moral compass per se, it’s what the OP can live with. Sounds like she can’t live with a partner who has any contact with the man who assaulted her son (completely understandably).

So, unless her partner feels as strongly about it as she does, then relationship seems likely to be over. Given DP has only known OPs son for 7 years, whereas his relationship with his brother is lifelong, my guess is that will be the case.

I can't understand why the brother has not been spoken to. Unless I missed something in the thread. He is accused of something terrible but not to his face. Surely it would be logical to confront him? He may even admit it and your partner would possibly accept it and deal with it.

It seems that what is happening here is that you are telling your partner to make a choice between his relationship with his brother, and his relationship with you.

That is a huge decision for him to wrap his head around, so you may wish to give him a little more time to really process it and make his choice. But, be prepared to find that ‘blood is thicker than water’.

You need to be quite clear to your partner. 'The choices you make now about your brother may end our relationship.'

You can't demand he cut his brother off. He shouldn't be doing it because you've told him to. He should be doing it because it's the right thing to do.

I think in your head, you need to have a timeframe. Either he comes round to doing this within a month, or you ask him to leave. But give him the space to make the right decision.

Ultimately, if he decides to not cut off his brother, he is condoning what his brother did. He is condoning sexual abuse. And therefore his moral compass is so out of whack, that he's someone you can't have a relationship with. Which is what you tell him when you ask him to leave.

But he's got to see that and get there on his own. I don't know what you do in that decision making time. Move into another bedroom? Ask him to move out while he thinks it all through (OBVIOUSLY not into the house he owns with his brother!).

Yes the relationship is over. You cannot force your partner to cut his brother off- he is absolutely allowed to set his own boundaries and make his own decisions about relationships with his own close family. Equally your feelings that he must cut him off completely are completely valid. Your perspectives and needs are totally incompatible at this point- the relationship is over.

Im so sorry for what happened to your son xx

This is awful, and I’m so very sorry for your son and you.

the relationship has got to be over however. You know this, stop stalling.

does your partner look like his brother? How on earth could you ever have your partner touch you ever again, knowing he’s minimised what his brother did to your boy?

absolutely also tell the group leader. Not fair that your son should stop his hobby enabling that abusive bastard to continue.

This!

What your son wants to do is his business with that side of it, but how the hexk can you continue this relationship yourself is a whole other thing

I was your son but slightly younger at 14. Told my mum about my Dad’s brother - again not rape but sexual assault. Initially my approach (not that it was offered as it wasn’t that serious 🙄) was not to report but never wanted to see him again. That was generally respected for a few years even though dad kept contact and kept talking about him (I cannot describe how destroying that was to me everytime he was mentioned by those people who knew and those who didn’t). Then bit by bit - one day when I was 19 he just “popped in” for a few minutes (hence why would I make a big deal of it as it was suggested to me!!) then my wedding he had to be invited as how else would you explain to everyone else why he wasn’t there!!! Needless to say don’t have good memories of that day. Then once I was at dad’s house with my child who was about 2. The brother came to the door and didn’t come in but that day was my line in the sand - told dad if he ever was in the presence of my children it would be the last day my dad would ever see me or them! It took the “mama bear” in me protecting my children to be able to properly protect myself!
OP your child can’t protect themselves adequately under the circumstances but unless a line is drawn now things will slip and it will impact your child forever how this is dealt with. Ultimately now my father has passed away and other brother still alive and still gets spoken about as other family members see him I know he didn’t have my back. I know it took me being a parent myself (and a few years of counselling) to realise this is a black and white issue. There are no grey areas. Sides have to be taken and it is your job to ensure your son knows your side is unequivocal. At the moment it just isn’t.
I’m sorry don’t mean to be harsh but I am telling you as someone who is 30 years on from where your son is now and it still impacts me to this day and always impacted my relationship with my parents.

I think, given your son’s wish not to report it, you’re respecting him by not doing.

Hopefully in time this wish might change then you can both go and report it, knowing it probably wouldn’t lead to a conviction but would be on his record should anything happen in future and can be linked to this man..

Your partner knows what his brother has done and is keeping in touch with him.

So the only thing left that you can control in this situation, is cutting out the whole family including your partner, so your son has no contact with the brother ever again.

Your partner has his head in the sand, unacceptable. So you have to leave him, he’s not got your child’s best interest as a priority - but his own / his brothers.

Im sorry, it’s a shit situation. x 💐

Well no- if you read my post (which you quoted) you’ll see that’s my view too.

however, it’s not a safeguarding issue. Son is an adult, and not in immediate danger. So it’s unfair and unhelpful to pile on OP.

I don’t think the OP should be attacked here- she isn’t shielding an abuser, or allowing the abuse to continue.

She is asking for support to navigate a complex issue. Half the posters on here don’t seem grasp that.

it sounds like OP is coming to terms with this betrayal by her DP and her main focus in her post is to protect and support her son.

I think we should do that rather than criticise

Your DS has told you that your partner's brother assaulted him but there is no evidence. You believe your DS but your partner has some doubts. Is that right?

Has anyone told the brother that it is believed he assaulted your DS? Did he deny it? Did he try to minimise it?

Can understand DS not wanting to go to police but is he ok with you challenging the brother?

I’m not talking about what the DS is “asking for”

I simply cannot fathom sharing my life with someone who is in contact with the person who sexually assaulted my son

you can?

her son isn’t asking for this. Posters seem to be forgetting that it’s about his wishes.

OP’s situation is a good example of how devastating abuse where victims and perpetrator are related can be.

DS is an adult. He feels safe in his home. DPs presence in the home isn’t an immediate danger to OP’s family.

But if I were OP, I couldn’t get over DP’s view or disloyalty to my family.

on the sexual assault, the OP can only support her son’s choices. And showing him unwavering support. That’s why I think she should split up. But I don’t think the OP is putting her adult son in danger by having the perpetrators relative in the same house.