I’ve become ugly and it’s affecting my life

I think I looked awful after my DS was born in my late 30's - but it gradually improved without much effort.

For me it was mostly discolouring of my facial skin, I guess caused by hormones. I'm a fair Celtic type and no kidding my face seemed to have orangey patches. I used to cover it with make up and kept meaning to get around to seeing a dermatologist but it gradually lightened and went back to normal.

I would get your blood test results printed out and really go through them. You could be sub optimal in one or more levels.
I realised my ferritin was pretty low after my last DC and it massively affected my hair quality, with thinning and more wiriness around the hairline, and I often looked very sallow and pale (and felt rough) - but the NHS range for ferritin is massive and I was very low but within 'normal' so not advised to do anything.
If I had just accepted the 'Your bloods are all fine' statement from the GP's receptionist I never would have known.
I've had issues with vitamin D too, as many people have!

Also you have a young child, it does take it out of you!

How is your diet OP? Do you get plenty of fresh fruit, veg, nuts, seeds? The latter are particularly good for your skin and hair.

You’re going through something a lot of women go through around this age. And it can be difficult.

Your child is very small which means you probably aren’t focussed on how you look very much, other than to be disappointed by it. It’s tough to notice wrinkles and loss of collagen knowing that you are going to continue to age. Aging is confronting.

But I am pretty sure that you will go on to feel better about how you look than you do now. Maybe in a year’s time when lo is sleeping better, some new make up and a good haircut are likely to make all the difference.
Just know you aren’t alone in how you feel and you probably won’t feel like it forever.

I'm nearly 37 with a 11 week old and I have to say the last two months I am looking older, not just because of the baby but just little things like you say- lines deeper, skin not glowing, hair brittle not shiny.
I'm trying to up my nutrition, stress management and vitamin d intake (both time outdoors and tablets). Also trying to be more 'hormone healthy' before I go down the cosmetic route. I'm a week in and perhaps it's in my head but the deep breathing, lots more water etc may be making a difference already!
Sad though when I look at photos from the past and look in the mirror I don't know who I am anymore!!

I'm 38 and I feel like i've really aged in the last year- partly due to lack of motivation and a bit of weight gain. It's not having kids because mine aren't that young now and I actually looked better when they were small. Drinking lots of water is one thing I can see makes a difference quickly but I always slip on it.

I said "not unreasonable".

I've always very average looking and didn't think I'd be at all bothered by growing older but it's still a shock to see the changing face in the mirror.

But accepting it and finding products that suit you better will do a lot to help - I use the Panteme Menopause Shamppo and Conditioner which has really improved how my hair looks, exercise has reduced some of the aches and pains and the middle aged spread.

It also really helps to focus on looking like the best version of whatever age you are rather than trying to look "younger".

🙄 I'd imagine it's more likely that she's saying the OP might be losing the superficial attractiveness of youth but that your character shines more through your face as you age. The OP is focusing on what she perceives as the negatives and isn't seeing herself as others will.

If

Think about Botox and filler as they can make a big difference - go to a professional, preferably on recommendation.
Smile all the time, force yourself if necessary, it really does make a massive difference to our faces.
Plus you’ll be your own worse critic so don’t be so hard on yourself, it won’t be as bad as you think.

Are you saying OP isn't a nice person?

So despite my scrotum neck one thing I have stopped doing is having my hair dyed blond. It ruined my hair. Now it's all grown out and is thick and healthy and framed in the front with white which looks good like I did it on purpose. I don't think I'll ever dye it again. Maybe a wash out tint for special occasions.
It no longer looks or feels like straw.

I tried Skin & Me and Dermatica when in the UK and I far prefer Skin & Me.

I live in Thailand now, where you can get Tretinoin really cheaply in every pharmacy, so I am quite lucky with that.
(If you know anyone going to a Italy, Spain or Greece on holiday then get them to grab you a few tubes. It's over the counter there too.)

It's really important to protect your skin barrier and start slow.

I started on 0.025% Tretinoin and built up to .1%

I still am cautious as my skin can get irritated, so my routine is this now.

Day 1: Tret
Day 2: Just cleanse, Laneige mist & moisterise
Day 3: Peel pad
Day 4: Just cleanse, Laneige mist & moisterise
Day 5: Tret
Day 6: Just cleanse, Laneige mist & moisterise
Day 7: Peel pad
Day 8: Just cleanse, Laneige mist & moisterise

(You can see the theme. The in-between days are the usual routine + the tret or peel pad.)

The big tubs of Vanicream moisteriser on Amazon are amazing. It has zero irritants in it, so is perfect when using a lot of actives (acids in the peel pads and tret).

The Laneige Cream Skin Cerapeptide Mist is fabulous between cleansing and moisterising (or after the actives) I use it every day.

I double cleanse (oil and then foaming). I'm not fussy about those really, I just make sure there's no irritants or actives in them.

Re cutting the pads in half, I just fold over the top and secure them with a bobby pin.

If you find that you are getting any peeling when you first start tret, this is totally normal, but putting a thin layer of vaseline on after your moisteriser can help lock in hydration. It's called the "slugging method".

Agree with this, look at your health and wellness as a whole, are you eating properly? Exercising? Spending time outdoors? Sleeping well? Drinking enough water? A lot can be attributed to diet and lifestyle, especially brittle hair & nails. Try increasing healthy fats like avocado, salmon, walnuts, and adding antioxidant foods like blueberries into your diet.

I look better than ever, but it’s hard work and it’s expensive.

I get Botox, use Tretinoin, get my nails done every 3 weeks, Elemis skincare, microblade my eyebrows, keep a size 8 figure, have, 6 weekly hair and all over body waxing appointments. I use Philip Kingsley and Pureology hair stuff and spent a ridiculous amount of money on a Dyson Airwrap.

When I was in my 20s I just got in and out of the shower and was just lovely. 🤷🏽‍♀️

We are our own harshest critics when it comes to looks, achievements and ourselves in general. Others tend to view us more positively.

As PPs have said, early years parenting can leave you feeling drained and a shadow of yourself pre-DC. It's important to recognise that this is a phase and there will be change ahead.

Look after yourself as well as others. If getting "tweakments" is something to look at then fine. Otherwise, hair, skin care and make up can be great mood boosters. Changing and updating your look may be the key.

We all age. I'm now early 50s and trying to accept the changes I see in the mirror. Some days it's ok, other days it really isn't. But I'm glad I'm healthy and alive with a working body and brain.

I'm surprised no one has posted that godawful Roald Dahl quote that always gets trotted out on threads like this but YANBU, OP. The baby and toddler years can be brutal for lots of reasons, you lose yourself in different ways but not feeling you look like you anymore is one of the hardest parts IMO and you're allowed to feel down about it. My DS didn't sleep for more than 2 hours at a time for the first 4 years of his life and Christ on a bike, it aged me! Now he's a bit older (and sleeps!) I have more time and energy for me and have started to take pride in myself again.

I've thought about botox and fillers but honestly, my friends who have them don't actually look younger, they just look like they've had botox and fillers. Each to their own but it's not for me.

I've found that foundation ages me now so I've ditched it in favour of a good illuminating primer (I like the Estee Lauder one) followed by a tinted moisturiser (I like Bare Minerals Complexion Rescue but the Charlotte Tillbury one is also good) which gives a nice glow without looking cakey and doesn't settle into fine lines. Ditching powders for creams also helps with a more youthful look so cream/liquid blush not powder, creamy eyeshadow, tinted lip balm rather than matte lipstick etc. I also swear by Glossier Futuredew for giving a healthy glow, the texture puts some people off as it can look greasy on applying initially but my dry skin loves it, it makes my make up go on better and I get compliments on my skin since I started using it.

I prioritise getting my hair coloured every 5-6 weeks and my nails done every 4 weeks. It's frivolous, but it makes me feel good. Nice perfume (although obviously you can't see it!) also makes me feel good so I wear it every day.

I've also simplified my wardrobe, I know what colours suit me and I stick to these so most of my clothes 'go'. I also invested in a few subtle pieces of jewellery that are on trend but simple enough that they go with most outfits and make me feel more 'put together'.

Oh OP this is a hard one.
Purely from an observational point of view, I have noticed a lot of women looking 'tired' after having a baby after the age of 35 but a lot more obvious in women from mid 40s.
I think it's a combination of hormones which and sheer tiredness for 2 years solid.
The good news is that you will bounce back but you need to look after yourself with proper rest, sleep, healthy diet.
I don't think your hair would go back to how it was but it comes a time in life when you need to start looking after it differently with hair masks, oils, a different hair brush, less heating tools. Also there are a lot of foods that actually improve hair quality but you need to consume them for the rest of your life.
Skin condition probably a lot todo with hormones so it will fluctuate but you can absolutely improve it with a consistent skincare regimen.
No idea what's going on with your teeth but are you absolutely sure you are seeing what is truly there? Only because you are clearly upset about your looks and you might be concentrating too much on certain things. I'd ask a dentist about this.
In fact, looks aside, maintaining and improving teeth and gums health is one of the most important thing people should do regardless of age or sex. But particularly for women.
39 is not old but it would be the time when looks can start changing. Combine with hormones and tiredness not the beat scenario.
Accept you are starting a new chapter and you need to adapt and put a different energy into looking after yourself.
You will bounce back!

@Olddd tinted moisturiser instead of foundation .
A good moisturiser.
A facial does wonders too.
take vitamin d daily , I bet your hair will
be back good again.
Spend on a good shampoo and conditioner too.

If all else fails and you fancy a little
botox or something more then do what makes you happy and helps you feel good about yourself .

The camera is a terrible liar. I now won't have any pictures taken of myself as I look so awful. However when looking in the mirror I don't look as bad (although as I'm old I hardly look like I did in my 20s, but still). I do think that a static photo which is 2 dimensional is a very poor representation of oneself and as others have said, your animated face really makes a huge difference. I wouldn't get overly hung up about it.

The amount of time and effort women are expected to put into making ourselves beautiful and worthy of love, ffs. I used to take 3 hours every morning just getting ready for work, while my partner would get up about half an hour before he was due in. It took me years to see the light. And then the trees, listen to birdsong, focus on the world around me rather than my freshly straightened hair.

Poor op probably needed a nap after just reading all that … !

@FeministUnderTheCatriarchythabks for that helpful post. Which tretinion do you use? Good tip re: cutting pads in half 👍

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable @Olddd I remember feeling the same when I had my first DC at 36- having children really accelerated the aging process for me and I had half a head of white hair by the time I’d finished BF only to then start again with another baby! I looked terrible for a few years afterwards but slowly got my groove back. A good nights sleep for a week worked wonders for me as did a good haircut and makeup. I also streamlined my wardrobe and bought things I felt good in and not just focusing on clothes that looked good or were on trend. I basically made peace with my new body.

I yhink it is the toddler effect. These little balsof cuteness are hard hard work, on top of a wrecked exagausted body that has looked after a baby.
It gets better when you go back to sleep a decent amount of hours.
Aging is difficult, but it is tiredness what makes us look half death, not age per se. With aging, you still have the energy and spark, only a few interesting wrinkles here and there.

There's loads of things you can do before even considering plastic surgery to make yourself feel better. Start taking supplements, do face yoga, I have an app called faceyogi and 10 minutes a day for the last three months has made a massive difference. I don't believe skin care is the be all and end all but I use skin and me for a prescription cream and then use bog standard stuff for everything else. I don't understand why people jump straight to thinking they need surgery or Botox without trying some basic self care