I’ve become ugly and it’s affecting my life

Look at your toddler and see how amazing your body is for creating another human.
Use suncream.
Accept ageing.
Smile.
It can be very freeing to look in the mirror as few times as possible.
Thank your lucky stars that this is all you have to be worried about and you haven’t got any serious health worries.

Bad skin, hair and teeth at 39 suggests poor diet or you are smoking or drinking too much.

Oh bless you. I feel for you. I know a little what you mean. I have a big nose and thin hair so sometimes feel like I look like a witch! I'm late 40s and wrinkles are beginning to appear.

However, I have noticed that when I exercise I feel better about myself! Not just because it keeps my body feeling toned, slim and looking good. But also because it really helps my mood and my confidence! I feel fit and healthy so focus less on the odd wrinkle or big nose I can do nothing about! When you are running or swimming or whatever, the people around you, assuming they are putting effort in, all look a bit red faced or sweaty or whatever too! And at the pool you see all sorts of body shapes and wrinkles and bits and bobs that mist people usually try to cover up! It's very normalising :) So you are around normal looking people sharing a goal to be fit, rather than heavily made up people doing their best to look good. That helps with confidence!

This morning I came out of the pool feeling great! I had swum when much of the world was sleeping. I noticed my stomach was looking flatter than it has in a while and I was developing tone in my arms. That's what I noticed, not my flushed red face and wrinkles!

I'd suggest you build more exercise into your life and start mixing with hot, red, sweaty people that care more about getting fit and healthy than about the odd wrinkle or saggy tits!!

💛

Teeth can be fixed. You can get composite bonds to even out the colour, shape and size. My teeth were horribly eroded so the front ones were too small and thin.

Dentist built them up loads and now they look great and still very natural. He gave me a whitening kit for free but it hurts so I didn't use it much! That changed the shape of my lower face, my jaw looked more snatched and mouth looks nicer and 'fuller'.

I find I don't bother with much makeup now, as the foundation sits in my pores and wrinkles. Lipstick never really suited me, not bright coloured ones anyway. I have a good mascara now but that's about it.

Please don't worry. Everyone changes as they age but there are things you can do to minimise it. Plus I'm sure your friends and family love you for your personality and don't care about looks.

It is horrible to feel like this, I'm much older than you and I still feel like me and then I look in a mirror and it isn't me, I look at photographs and it is even worse. I understand but don't know what the answer is.

I’m much older , but I found doing 10 minutes exercise ( following one on u tube )really helped a bit. there are loads on there and it does improve mood too and you can do it at home etc.
Hair masks are good and can be picked up fairly reasonably.
a few friends I know have saved up for Botox and they did look great.

I feel the same.
I actually hate looking in the mirror , when I used to love sitting doing my make up and hair now I hate it as it means I have to look at myself.
My Jowels sag , my skin texture is horrible now no matter what make up I try
Even when I style and curl my hair , it’s limp and dull
Its just the last year this has really hit me to the point I’m embarrassed with myself
I do always make an effort with my appearance , hair / make up / waxing / colouring everything is kept up to date and neat but everything still looks old and dull and that’s how it’s making me feel inside too sadly.

If it helps, I went through similar at 39 and 40. I have no idea why it’s improved but it has. I think I started with perimenopause and it made everything go nuts. Like a huge hormone imbalance. I nearly cried when my hair dresser commented my hair was different. I told her I felt awful and look awful.
Two years on and my hair is soft and shiny again and my skin has cleared. I have brain fog and anxiety and reflux instead!

So I’m saying hormones.

I’ve physically fallen apart in the last couple of years. Take my vitamins, drink water, lost weight, a fortune on creams and shampoos, all of that. My hair hasn’t grown back and my face seemed to be getting more lax. So I cracked and got a bit of filler/botox. The difference in a month has been absolutely amazing. No I don’t look 20 again, but it’s taken a good 5 years off me and the confidence boost does make me feel 20 years younger. I never thought I’d crack with a bit of plastic help but for me, has been worth every penny.

@notacooldad Yes it does.
Or have you personally grown a human insise you?
Thats why pregnant mums have free dental care. Pregnancy literally weakens your teeth because everything goes to the baby.

When I got to about 30 I realised I had passed my peak - everything was only going to deteriorate. So now however bad I think I may look I tell myself to appreciate it because this time next year I will look worse😂

It's up to you and of course you're going to get some people saying embrace how you look, and others saying go for all the 'tweaks.' Something similar happened to me in my early 40s - I noticed wrinkles, my hair thinned, I started to get a double chin! But I've gradually gone down the Botox, teeth whitening, diet, exercise, refusal to accept the inevitability of aging route. And actually I think I look better at 50 than I did in my mid-40s. The thinning hair is a PITA still though, it's not awful but I can't work out what to do to it to stop it from being so brittle.

For turkey neck, I've seen older people swear by doing a short but daily neck exercises, consistently,

I also saw a lady doing a face exercise on Insta that I have recently adopted and do daily:

you put a pencil between your lips and smile broadly up into your cheeks and release.
I do it 10-15 times a day for four sets and try to remember to do this at least once a day. You can feel it work your neck, lower face and cheeks.

I can definitely see some plumping out under my eyes already 😀

Yep growing babies sucks the good stuff out!
No it doesn't, not if you look after yourself.
What nonsense.

I’m sure you aren’t ugly at all but I believe we all go through periods of feeling ugly.

@Olddd You are a mum to a toddler! I looked tired and dull in the years post-baby, but now that dc are school-aged i look and feel so much better.
Forget about make-up, botox etc.
Focus on nurturing yourself. Sleep enough. Eat nutritious foods. Drink water. Go for walks if you don't have time to exercise. Laugh and connect with 'you ' again.
I promise it will get better soon!

Oh and I keep getting face yoga videos pop up on fb. I don't know if it works but it might be worth looking into that. The videos are on YouTube.

It's supposed to help with keeping skin where it should be!

I found that trying a keto diet did wonders for my skin ( Dh too)
I do feel that woman are too harsh on ourselves sometimes and not everyone has the money or time for tweakments or facials etc , especially with young children around. Once they are at school you may have a bit more time for yourself then , but I’m sure you do look fine and just concentrating too much on the negative things others don’t notice at all. Mostly because they are too worried about their own health or problems tbh.
lots of good advice here too.

I'm not saying that at all.

OP, like a lot of women, is focusing on the purely physical effects of the natural process of ageing.
That is what we are conditioned to do.
Any why so many women resort to invasive treatments and why so many use makeup to create a mask to present to the world.

I think there is real beauty in individuality and the personality in people's faces.

I'm sure OP is a " nice " person. I'm equally sure she isn't ugly at all.
I just think she is not seeing her own worth and value and beauty in her own face because she is noticing the natural physical ageing process which happens to us all but which is a crime in our society.

It’s the toddler!! I have looked old, depleted, haggard… all of it! for two and a half years. Fat, frumpy, thin hair, creasy eyes, dull skin, aged to about 45 while in my early 30s. And then my LO turned 3 and all of a sudden… I looked like me again and even got ID’d in the pub! It takes much longer to recover from birth than you might expect so keep an open mind that it may not be permanent!

Light Botox makes a real difference, even if you can only afford it every 6 months.

The other thing is weight related though - I think any extra weight can be really aging generally, so it might be worth starting there and then having a good look at yourself afterwards.

Re: skin, again, if you have Botox your skin will look better straight away, but you add also add products with a bit of glow (Beauty Pie have some brilliant foundations, primers etc. and are not too pricey)

Some of your skin and hair issues could be related to perimenopause too. I started HRT at 42 and my skin and hair improved extremely quickly.

OP. I'm 51. At a glance, I don't think I look any different to I did at 30...

But, of course, I do! 😉

And when I scrutinise my face in the mirror, I can see it. Of course I can. So I don't scrutinise it too much. And hope others don't either!

This is what helped me -

Changing to a lower carb diet and cutting out UPFs, which resulted in reduced redness, puffiness and a 1.5 stone weightloss without even trying.

Yoga - for strength, flexibility and well being.

Drinking 2L water daily - skin!

Oil cleansing method and ordinary Nivea moisturiser - game changer!

Supplements - vit D, magnesium, iron, B vitamins - I sleep better, have more energy, my skin is better.

I've recently started taking collagen. I wasn't sure what to expect but, within a month my ankles and wrists no long click painfully and my hair and nails are better.

Life is hard with a toddler and you are bottom of the pile! Take a bit of time to prioritise yourself and don't be so hard on yourself.

Really good makeup hides a multitude of sins OP.

I voted that you are not being unreasonable because if you feel miserable, you feel miserable.

I had a realisation a couple of years ago that I was looking rough. I've always been lucky and had good skin and hair, but both became really dry. Wrinkles don't really bother me but my skin looked vile because it was so DRY and dull and wrinkly. Eyes looked sunken and crepey. Lips thinning. I stopped wearing make up every day quite a few years ago - I'm 46 - but all of a sudden I looked like death barefaced. Or maybe not all of a sudden. I just stopped looking at my face as much.

I started using The Ordinary retinal serum at night, with a layer of Cerave hyaluronic acid on top then a ROC retinol night cream. This has definitively made a difference and the products aren't wildly expensive. I also use a layer of the Cerave hyaluronic acid on my lips and seal it in with vaseline, to make an overnight lip mask, and I haven't needed to use lipbalm since I started.

What is expensive is the collagen capsules I have also started taking - a brand called Ingenious. They're expensive because they have some sort of coating that means they pass through my stomach and into the intestine, where they are released and absorbed. Most collagen tablets just get destroyed in your stomach. Since I've been taking them, my nails grow longer and stronger, the baby hair wispy shit around my hairline grows stronger, my eyelashes are as thick as they were when I was younger and my lips feel plumper. They are no doubt doing something for my skin too, which is why I bought them in the first place, but I can't separate that out from the new skincare.

That and drinking more water has made a world of difference to the condition of my skin and hair.

Make up - it's a real marmite product but I ADORE Jones Road Miracle Balm. Not for all over my face - applied as a blusher. It brings back the glow I had when I was young, and it doesn't sit on my skin like other make up. Tub is massive, it will last me until I die if I don't think of the number of times I've put my germy fingers in it...

Sagging skin - I've seen people get great results with Gua Sha stones but I don't have the time or patience and I suspect you don't either.

I think we all get to an age where we have to actively think about and look after our skin and hair if we want to continue to look healthy and well. Not pretty or young - but just alive! I have no problems with ageing, I don't mind my wrinkles at all - but the dullness really was a shitter.

I second the PP who said its tough when you have young children. My DS is 12 and I am 44 and I look better than I did 10 years ago. I have time to exercise, I run or row twice a week and lots of strength training and try to walk as much as I can. I eat healthy. I still have treats and alcohol at the weekend, life is too short not to!
I have started using the Fenty cookies and cream face mask a couple of times a week, this has helped with my dull skin.
Look at your make up, what suited you a couple of years ago won't suit you now. I realised powder blusher and bronzer are my enemy, I now use cream versions and they look much better on me.
I use Vit C face serum on a night which makes my skin look brighter.
I have quite fine hair which I had cut a few months back from straggly shoulder length to an italian bob and its a game changer. I can wash it, put anti frizz serum in and leave it to dry naturally and it looks nice. I can wear it straight or wave it if I want to put some effort in. My hair looks much thicker and healthier.
We are all getting older and aging but this is a luxury and I promise you won't look anywhere near as bad as you think.
I look at pics of celebrities aging gracefully, Sarah Jessica Parker and Helen Mirren and yes they look older than they did, they have lines and grey hair but they work with what they have and look amazing.