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I’ve become ugly and it’s affecting my life

163 replies

Olddd · 25/04/2025 07:37

I’m 39 and have one toddler. In the last two years I’ve become really unattractive. I was never the most beautiful woman in the room but I was attractive enough to find it easy to date, I had nice skin and my make up would work well and my hair would look shiny.

I am now… old. My face is haggard. My skin looks dull. Make up often makes it all worse not better!

My hair never shines like it used to. It’s dull, thin, brittle. Even though I’ve done nothing differently to how I used to style it and I rarely use heat.

My mouth is a mess. My teeth used to be exactly straight and very white, now they look smaller! That’s the only way I can describe it. My whole mouth area seems small and the skin around it sagging.

I know looks aren’t everything but I honestly feel like I will never look or feel attractive again. I feel a million mile away from being a good looking woman.

I’ve had all blood tests done and there’s nothing in them to suggest there’s a medical reason for this. Am I just going to get uglier as I age and what can I do?! I used to feel strongly about not having cosmetic surgery but I feel really low whenever I catch myself in the mirror.

OP posts:
IsItBeesThoughLooshkin · 25/04/2025 11:04

When I look back at pictures of myself from the toddler years, I look terrible. Just pale, haggard, thin hair, bad skin. I didn’t bother with makeup as it just made me feel worse. Since my youngest turned 4, I’ve regained my looks. I’m older but I look better. (I also fixed my teeth and had Botox, but those are not the main reasons I look better.) The toddler years are brutal. You will recover!

BellesAndGraces · 25/04/2025 11:04

You’re not old and ugly. You have a toddler so my guess is that you are or were not getting enough sleep, are carrying more weight and are probably more stressed than you were pre-baby, which all affects our appearance.

I hate to admit it but weight gain is incredibly aging so if that’s a factor it’s worth looking at. It might explain why your teeth look smaller.

As for skincare, my guess is that your change in lifestyle since having a baby means that you’re skincare needs to work a lot harder than it used to. It might be time to look into tretinoin if you do not already use it.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 25/04/2025 11:03

First OP, I'm sure you look absolutely lovely and you're feeling more run down than anything else. There are a few things I do that I do believe help. I'm 33 fwiw.
I use nutrition geeks collagen powder and I find it really good. 2 tablespoons in coffee or water every day. It's given me a glow back. I think it's helped under my eyes a little bit too.
I also use maca and chlorella. I get from organic burst.
I have thick hair and if I don't deep condition once a week it looks like a wind bush. One of my favorite things I do every week is lie in a hot bath with a podcast on while letting my conditioner soak in. In terms of aging I had my hair bleached but it was definitely starting to age me as my hair looked knackered. I went for a copper brown instead and it definitely looks and feels a lot healthier.
I also run. I don't think there's one exercise better than the other its more about finding what you like and sticking with it. Weights bore the life out of me but I love a run, but whatever exercise you do choose will help you feel better about yourself. It's about consistency.
In terms of diet I do enjoy a glass of wine or two here and there but I eat an absolute minimum of processed foods. I batch cook once a week so I'm not tempted to eat crap after work. It saves time too.

Skethylita · 25/04/2025 10:59

I completely understand what you say, OP, the first few signs of visibly ageing can be a bit of a shock to the system. But there are things, practical and mental, that you can do to improve things to the point you no longer consider yourself "ugly" (which is such an ugly term - we wouldn't speak to strangers the way we speak to ourselves sometimes).

For your skin and hair, nutrition is key. Leafy greens, nuts and seeds are usually your best bet, and for your skin, also animal fat and collagen, which you can get from homemade broth by boiling animal bones (or just by eating cartillage, but some people are funny about its texture).

Keep your skincare simple and don't use lots of complicated products. I use the blue Nivea once a day, after showering, and it makes an amazing difference long-term. Light make-up, not the tonnes of chemicals people often smear on their faces in Youtube tutorials now. And a face mask once every 2-3 weeks, depending on where you are in your cycle, that can be cleansing or hydrating. Play around with those a bit and see what feels best. And many people don't want to hear it, but for older skin, a layer of fat underneath helps to keep it looking younger. So consider putting on a small amount of weight, just to plump it up a bit.

No alcohol. Whenever I don't drink, my skin and hair look a thousand times better.

Your hair will also need different products; it sounds like it's lacking moisture and here, it is useful to spend some money. What products to recommend would be best discussed with a hairdresser; my hair is curly, so I use products which seal in high amounts of moisture, and condition daily with a commercial leave-in hair mask once a week and an olive oil one once every 2-3 months.

Your teeth need looking at by a dentist - just to test their density. But things you can do otherwise is use an enamel-protecting toothpaste and a good look at your diet - if it's high in carbonated drinks or fruit, that will wear your teeth down considerably over time. Eat calcium-rich foods like cheeses, milk and unsweetened yoghurts to help keep your teeth strong.

As for the rest, protect yourself from the sun - long sleeves, covered chest and back, a wide-brimmed hat and seek the shade where you can. Go shopping if you can, to find a style that suits your shape, and buy only variations of that style. Find some great shoes, jewellery and sunglasses - it's amazing what a difference in confidence a few accessories can make.

And if all else fails, remember that the crone is the most highly respected of the three stages of womanhood; she is wise, confident in herself and her place in the world, so own the crone when you meet her.

BlakeCarrington · 25/04/2025 10:56

Dolamroth · 25/04/2025 08:01

Why are there so many threads about "ugly people" today?

I was thinking the same thing, I think there are 3 in active, odd.

Aimtodobetter · 25/04/2025 10:54

Olddd · 25/04/2025 07:37

I’m 39 and have one toddler. In the last two years I’ve become really unattractive. I was never the most beautiful woman in the room but I was attractive enough to find it easy to date, I had nice skin and my make up would work well and my hair would look shiny.

I am now… old. My face is haggard. My skin looks dull. Make up often makes it all worse not better!

My hair never shines like it used to. It’s dull, thin, brittle. Even though I’ve done nothing differently to how I used to style it and I rarely use heat.

My mouth is a mess. My teeth used to be exactly straight and very white, now they look smaller! That’s the only way I can describe it. My whole mouth area seems small and the skin around it sagging.

I know looks aren’t everything but I honestly feel like I will never look or feel attractive again. I feel a million mile away from being a good looking woman.

I’ve had all blood tests done and there’s nothing in them to suggest there’s a medical reason for this. Am I just going to get uglier as I age and what can I do?! I used to feel strongly about not having cosmetic surgery but I feel really low whenever I catch myself in the mirror.

I do think having kids and the rapid hormone changes are brutal to hair and skin as well. I’ve just had 2 kids rapidly and I am 40 and I feel like I really look it - however, I’m mostly ok with it because to an extent having had kids I just feel like I am in a different stage of my life from the stage where I was so overwhelmingly judged on my looks. The kids don’t care what I look like. I actually find that very freeing. However, a few things I have done - a friend of mine told me to take biotin to help with my hair, i went and replaced my decades old lipstick and blusher choices with colours that probably suit my colouring now much more, and I always have dyed my grey hairs with semi permanent hair dye.

CautiousLurker01 · 25/04/2025 10:54

I share your distress - same age, 2-3 years post menopause and significant weight loss and I seem to have aged 12 years in 3. Am seriously exploring facelifts, but also looking at polynucleotide and profhilo injections, a chemical peel, a bit of botox and maybe (it’s a very big maybe) some fillers from a dermatology clinic. Am terrified of ending up looking like Meg Ryan and Nicole Kidman - or Mickey Rourke - but am thinking it might not look as bad as the resting bitch face I’ve woken up with…

Also started bHRT recently, as lower oestrogen levels have a thinning/aging effect for women’s skin. Worth exploring?

Undethetree · 25/04/2025 10:49

Definitely the toddler effect. Plus hormones perhaps. I could have written your post a few years ago but I'm older than you and I look and feel much better now.

Things that helped:

  1. not having a toddler anymore

  2. plenty of sleep

  3. exercise

  4. drinking 2L water a day and eating really well - honestly, this has made the most difference out of everything, particularly with skin and hair

  5. daily vitamins

  6. hair cut and colour

  7. skin care routine

  8. different make-up - hardly wear any now because the above has improved my skin and hair and I feel good about that

  9. Being OK with the fact that I'm not 21 anymore and I don't need to look 21 anymore. Basically, just not giving a shit tbh.

It's a different stage of life now - and it's great if you let it be!

Kbroughton · 25/04/2025 10:47

You're only 39. I bet you don't look as bad as what you think you do! There is some good advice on here, but also, you have a toddler. When my child was a toddler I was 40 and felt haggered, overworked and hideous a lot of the time! I am 48 now now and feel much better now she is 11 and I dont have to watch that she is licking a lampost. Try to get some time to yourself if you can.

the80sweregreat · 25/04/2025 10:45

The only winners with all the insecurities we have is the beauty industry! I admit I have some things done to make myself feel better about myself , but it’s society that does it to us and the internet hasn’t helped either.

DoNoTakeNo · 25/04/2025 10:40

I’m so sorry you feel this way about yourself @Olddd
If it is any reassurance at all, I feel the same about myself - and many others do about themselves.
Really, we probably have no (ok, very little!) reason to at all, but we just feel this way.
So many factors in play here -
Bloody social media & accompanying false expectations
Availability of “cures” for what’s only natural after all.
Lack of societal memory - look at the photos of people from just a few decades ago, they looked so much older than we do now, and from what I gathered from my own grandparents, weren’t too troubled by it.

Personally, I dearly wish I was younger, but it ain’t gonna happen, so I guess I just have to come to terms with the negatives that accompany aging.

Meanwhile - stay hydrated, eat good stuff, avoid alcohol in excess, sleep well & obviously exercise are the way forward. Plus buckets of moisturiser!
Best wishes, OP

Ladamesansmerci · 25/04/2025 10:39

You're not ugly. You're aging. And you also have a toddler, and it's hard to invest loads of time in your appearance.

Modern society is obsessed with youth and cosmetic surgery, and we have forgotten what a normally aging woman looks like imo.

okydokethen · 25/04/2025 10:37

Toddlers suck the life out of you, you’ll come back!

Devilsmommy · 25/04/2025 10:35

I completely empathise. Having a toddler in your late 30's just ages you. I'm a 38 year old haggard vampire already. I'm learning to accept it. I've got no more fucks to give about what anyone thinks🤣

aylis · 25/04/2025 10:33

the80sweregreat · 25/04/2025 10:23

My nose has grown , I’m sure of it ! I always thought it was only your ears that grew larger.
it’s surprising how faces change.

Mine too! I hate it 🤣

notacooldad · 25/04/2025 10:30

@ Dunnowotot Yes it does.
Or have you personally grown a human insise you?*
Thats why pregnant mums have free dental care. Pregnancy literally weakens your teeth because everything goes to the baby

Yes, I've ' grown' two and had multiple miscarriages and a ' born sleeping' as everyone around me called him., but as I said in my post you have to look after yourself. ( no issues with my teeth though)
Many mums i know put themselves at the bottom of the pile with self care and then feel like trap.
Wellbeing shouldn't be an afterthought.

However I'm sure most of us have had a wobble about our looks, i know i have, and posters have given a lot of solutions to help with the physical appearance which will help.

What helped me at toddler stage was having time to myself to go to the gym, sleep go for a walk, ride my bike( or whatever i wanted to do for a few hours) while dh did the kid work.

Looks wise,easy fixes were a nutritious diet and lots of water.
Bigger fixes were regular hair appointments, pedicures, manicures eyebrows shape and tinted and dental appointments snd botox which is wonderful for a lift.
I like to keep make make up look up to date. Youtube/ instagram have some great make up artists
These are still things I do 30 years after my first born.( I did have a slide a few years ago when I went to depression, but I've come through that now.

I'm not gorgeous and I've never been attractive but I feel good in how I present.

Op I'm sure you are having a bit of a panic but make sure you take time to look after yourself.

Bollindger · 25/04/2025 10:28

Stop doing this to yourself.
An unhappy person can look for floors in their appearance and see them.
People may see your attractiveness for 30 seconds but after that who you are becomes so much more important.
I got a taxi the other day and look far far worse than you, the bloke was chatty and it was a 25 min journey, I kid you not at the end of the trip he asked me out to dinner as he said I was so much fun to be with...
Count your blessings, buty some nice clothing and jewellery and smile, enjoy life....

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 25/04/2025 10:28

I bet sleep deprivation or just general lack of good sleep patterns has a lot to do with it. I had five kids who never slept and spent most of my thirties and forties looking like a zombie. Now they've all grown up and left home and I'm in my sixties so good old anno domini has come calling in a big way, but I do try to get plenty of sleep. Having more energy, which getting enough sleep gives you, makes you look better without having to do anything else to the face.

Acommonreader · 25/04/2025 10:27

I stopped drinking ( couple of bottles of wine a week ) 10 years ago. Also after having dc and I feel I look loads better. My skin and hair is better and I look less dull and grey than I did. I feel better even with less makeup on. Not suggesting you drink too much but it really makes a difference to me!

pimplebum · 25/04/2025 10:26

Rather than give you diet and beauty tips my suggestion is to do nothing

avoid looking at yourself in mirrors especially close up or for prolonged times ( I knew someone who removed mirrors from her house )

i work hard on my mindset around aging , rather than seeing it as something I need to fix and battle , I lean into it and embrace the positive side of not having to keep my looks

i exercise and eat for my long term health maintenance and disease avoidance not to look good in a bikini , I follow body and aging positive people on social media

it’s hard and of course I have days I look in the mirror or have a bad photo and wish I looked different but I do think it’s a feminist issue we need to address and I want to be part of the positive cultural change and that starts with every woman and man accepting aging as a part of life

not sure if that’s helpful ?

Buttercupmoon · 25/04/2025 10:23

I had this feeling when I started getting grey hair. Now I quite enjoy seeing new greys. They're my trophies for surviving all the struggles and stresses life give you.

the80sweregreat · 25/04/2025 10:23

My nose has grown , I’m sure of it ! I always thought it was only your ears that grew larger.
it’s surprising how faces change.

hardhatready · 25/04/2025 10:22

aw op it’s tough. Having little kids can really run you down. I went through this phase but as others have said, diet, excercise and skin care really make a difference. My face looks much better now than it did 5 years ago when I was in the depths of the sleep deprived baby and toddler years and had no time to look after myself.

aylis · 25/04/2025 10:16

My daughter is almost 10 and unfortunately I've never gone back to how I was before I had her. Ageing can be really difficult and distressing when you don't recognise the person in the mirror.

But it doesn't mean you're ugly - just different.

Solongtoshort · 25/04/2025 10:16

Don’t be so hard on yourself, you’re 39 with a toddler. I imagine you have lost time to spend on yourself that you once did. I know l did and at 39 l had a baby and a toddler.

10 years on and peri menopausal l make sure l sleep 7-8 hours a night (this has only been since Christmas and l feel l look much better) and have a Sunday evening spa and a Wednesday night meditation.

No one in the world is ugly, we just compare ourselves to others and some just aren’t natural sadly.