I’ve become ugly and it’s affecting my life

I’m 53, good diet, slim, loads of sleep, tret, vitamins, collagen decent skin care. My face though is haggard and in addition collapsing on one side, had Botox for eye wrinkles and she asked me if I did a lot of driving ie sun exposure. Nope. Went to enquire about an upper blephroplasty and the surgeon remarked on it and asked if I’d lost weight nope been this weight for 30 years. So it’s not in my head, I look like shit!

I’ve stopped looking in the mirror as much.

I suppose I’m saying you can do all the right stuff but if it’s in your genetics to have a face that’s melting like a candle then what can you do.

i also think that reading threads on here people are convinced that celebs have had no work done when it’s glaringly obvious they’ve had a face or brow lift. Pam Anderson a case in point, she’s lauded for not wearing make up but she’s going make up free with a smooth brow, taut jawline and no wrinkles , congratulating her is like congratulating a 20 year old for going au naturell.

It's different post-kids. I used to be able to use any old moisturiser and light-medium coverage makeup slapped on on the bus and look fine. If I did a face mask it was just for fun.

The exact same products I used to use don't sit as well as they used to. I now absolutely have to have a proper cleanser, a day and a night cream, if I don't do a sheet mask once a week I notice it, I've had to get a special panthenol cream for this weird rough rash I get on my cheeks, I need a dewy serum foundation which I have to set with a powder, and it has to be an expensive one....I could go on. Basically, every single step matters more, costs more, and takes longer. But if I do take those steps I look...well, I still look older -- but I look more like my old self. And I think I'm fairly low maintenance (do own nails, shave legs in the shower, no Botox).

I was in a similar big Boots over Bluewater at Christmas as they do my ‘un perfumed ‘ deodorant ( not many sell it in shops anymore ) and it was hard to track down.
I was also walking amongst a sea of different products and hair care and just ‘stuff ‘ really and it also struck me just how much there is! I know it’s always been like this , but many are just the same thing in different packaging, ‘new and improved ‘ ( why is the old one not any good any longer ?) just so much choice all designed really to make us think we are not good enough and to spend money on things that may not work. I’ve bought into it all myself, but it did make me think. I know men’s products are just as full on too, but we all know it’s women they aim the majority of it to.
bit depressing really. Sorry to derail.

@OP is 39! hardly as old as you, so some empathy won't go amiss.

I have voted YABU but that’s because of the cosmetic surgery comment. I’m going to be real with you here, you either grow old accepting what you see in the mirror. You can obviously work out, use nice creams and present as “taken care of” but if you don’t start down at least the “aesthetics” route (things like injectable skin care/botox) then there’s only so much you can stop the clock aging you. Maybe a new hair cut will help, maybe a new wardrobe but the fact is if you’re already feeling this way then that likely won’t be enough. There’s a big difference between surgery and aesthetics, why not go to someone reputable for a consultation?

Yes that’s obviously what she was saying. Good grief, have a word with yourself.

Completely agree with all this. Some good advice here @Olddd

If I’d just went with the defeatist attitude of “I’m old in my 30s”, I believe i’d have continued to decline in appearance. Maybe it’s because my social circle all look fairly youthful it wasn’t easy for me to settle into looking old in my 30s and I’m glad I didn’t.

At least try lifestyle changes and if it still doesn’t work, okay you may just have naturally aged earlier than some others - we are all different and genetics /skin type/melanin play a part - but at least you’ll have tried and will feel and be better for having improving your diet and exercise.

There is a massive Boots where I live and practically the whole of the ground floor is like a temple to make up, hair care, skin care and fragrance. I often think that if all this stuff lived up to all its promises then we would all be strutting round like ageless supermodels Women's (and increasingly men's insecurity) about their appearance is a huge money spinner.

Some photos of me three years ago came up on my memories this morning. I looked dreadful - haggard with terrible skin. At that point I had a three year old and wasn't sleeping well or looking after myself.

I now have a six year old, and I honestly look so much better. My skin is clear, much less lumpy looking face, generally happier and more me again. Toddlers are hard. Give yourself some grace and try to look after yourself better.

My usually very attractive sister had a couple of kids in her late thirties. It took five years for her to look herself again - her skin was terrible, she just looked destroyed by lack of sleep, not having enough time to herself, too much eating standing up etc. I think you just have to ride it out, you'll feel like yourself again eventually.

I didn't have kids and my decline has been slower and more manageable, but there is still a decline. I do look in the mirror and wonder what happened to my lovely skin, why does it now feel like a lizard's and no make up will sit on it. But it's been easier to handle because there wasn't a massive shift change like having a child. You need to give yourself time and credit for what you're managing to do - which is care for another demanding human who has no interest in your self care regime!

Depends what your definition of ugly is maybe. Some people are way older than Op and look great. Many people 40+ looks amazing to me. Lots of my friends in their early 40s don’t look necessarily much different from my friends in their mid 30s.

Or my aunty for example who is 70 looks great for her age, slim figure, slim face, tight skin…still reasonably active (but tbf she was
Remarkably stunning and looked very young wel into her 50s.)

But yes those of us who are fortunate not to die prematurely all do get old. I don’t think it means we look “ugly” though.

There's a degree of acceptance about ageing that's required, honestly. I am really struggling too, but have lost a lot of weight and things are a bit saggy too which does not help. It's also the horrible meno impact - sleep etc.

So the things that genuinely made a difference to me have been
exercise - walk 1 hr to 90 mins daily
water
less alcohol (not no alcohol, let's be real)
less carbs and a well-planned diet - I have calorie restricted to lose weight but its the quality of the nutrients that have had the most impact, i feel really bad if I don't eat properly
supplement - skin, hair nails - biotin has helped my hair grow back, collagen did nothing.
HRT - so I don't want to kill everyone else/can manage the rage etc
skincare - I used to spend on this, now I spend on SPF for day use, glycolic for cleansing and retinol.

In a year, I've lost a lot of weight and recently saw a male friend who hasn't seen me for a year. He told me I look incredible and at least 10 years younger than last year, despite me thinking I look old and haggard. He (sadly) doesn't want to get in my pants so genuinely meant it.

That is just how I feel, I have to brace myself to look in the mirror and then I sometimes want to cry when I do! I feel like me but look like one of my long gone aunties! Old photos have the same effect. People would always comment on my looks when I was young and I was often described as beautiful though I could not see it myself. I try to reframe it by being glad that I am at least healthy and have good skin with few wrinkles but oh I miss my pretty face from years ago. As for "tweakments" they are totally unaffordable. I do think kids age you too, all the work, the worry, the lack of sleep, and often the lack of money to spend on yourself.

No, we all get old and society (and poster like you) tells us we are ugly.

We’re not. PPs like you make us feel like we are, though.

We all get old and ugly
It is part of life sadly

I don’t agree it’s as simple as age. I had a similar thing a few years ago in my mid 30s and I was alarmed and thought I’d aged early. but in my case it was due to a diet of takeaways, having extremely poor sleep (2-5 hours a night) and zero exercise/movement during the pandemic. This led to me putting on weight which affected my whole appearance but also my skin looked very tired and dull. I was also very stressed and it was showing in my face.

I worked on myself and changed various things and I’ve now shifted most of the weight and look much better generally now in my late 30s than I did in my mid 30s. Not saying it’s the same for everyone but lifestyle can play a role.

Fully feel the same OP although a couple of years younger.

I expected the wrinkles but i have other things happen -
My white teeth are now yellowish, despite same dental routine.
My skin- after having my last baby , i got skin pigmentation on my face and it looks awful- I have to wear foundation as I have a moustache from the pigments .
Above my eye lids the skin below my eyebrows has literally just dropped , so if i wear mascara my eyes don’t look wide and open.
My overall skin is dry and rough.
My pores on my face skin have got larger and noticeable.

That felt good getting it all out 😂 it’s just been quite quick and noticeable.

I agree with all of this. I’m late thirties and I think I look better now than when my kids were young in my early thirties. Having a toddler is hard on your appearance 😂

I’d go shopping for make up that works for your skin - ask advice. Friends say Charlotte Tilbury is very good. If you have a friend with hair you admire, ask where she gets it done and book an appointment. Can you have your teeth straightened or whitened? Buy a top or dress in a colour that lifts your complexion? Experiment with brighter make up? Your post makes me think you mean drab instead of ugly (I’m certain you’re not ugly). I’d practice smiling at yourself and using positive affirmations. Try and see yourself through your toddler’s eyes 😍.

Sorry - thought i was replying to the other post about feeling ugly!! That was a menopausal woman like me. [Yes, there seem to be far too many ‘I feel ugly’ threads today.]

OP, I DO remember feeling shattered when at 39 I have a toddler and a newborn. It was mainly lack of sleep, wandering around in practical/comfy clothes that I didn’t care were covered in ready brek … and I never made time to get my hair done.

It’s just a phase. See if your DP/DM/MiL could come and help by having them for an afternoon and take yourself off to have your hair done and/or a manicure. Everyone told me to do it, but I martyred myself a bit. Really, you need to prioritise yourself once in a while.

I went through something similar after having my first baby! I was 27 but became v stressed/depressed after the birth and wasn’t sleeping or eating well and I looked honestly terrible. I lost all the volume in my face, skin was terrible, lips constantly dry, hair thin and greasy etc etc. only now after 3.5 years have I started to look like myself again. Not sure if you’ve also been suffering with a lack of sleep/nutrition or stress but even just pregnancy/post partum/breastfeeding/broken sleep etc takes a huge toll on the body. For me what helped is to prioritise good, unbroken sleep! (Very difficult, I know) and to eat enough calories but with a focus on whole food and higher protein. I started to take fulvic acid which I feel has helped me with nutrient absorption and made a huge difference to my looks. I also take vit d and k3 supplements, omega 3, turmeric and Spatone iron sachets. Even if blood work shows ‘normal’, it’s often helpful to focus on these nutrients. Life with kids is tough and unfortunately it does affect our looks but I’ve found with a focus on rest, nutrition and less stress it can repair itself - the focus should be on what you can add to your diet/rest rather than take away! Also, walking my daughter to nursery with no sunscreen/baseball as I used to always wear outside has helped too! Short bouts of sunshine are good for us!

I think you have two choices.
1.Accept ageing, see wrinkles etc as beautiful and focus on things other than your looks.
2.Fight it- Botox, facials / peels , shorter hair ?, colour analysis, tooth whitening etc etc

What collagen do you take please?

I live close to a few schools and used to work in one ( not a teacher ) and the people dropping off there and at nursery are a mixed bunch. Some are off to the gym or a class , some look fine , some look a bit tired or run down , some more done up than others , some off to work so doing the breakfast club run. Some are child minders so have a few children ! All different.
The men usually look the most stressed out though ! Especially with more than one child in tow.
All too busy to notice much or anyone else’s wrinkles I bet!

So many of you are agreeing with her children make you old next time you go out walk around the street and look at all the good looking women with children. It’s all in your head you’re no uglier now than you were 10 years ago. But what to do about it?

There’s two ways change the outside or change the inside. Or actually do both simultaneously good luck.