I’ve become ugly and it’s affecting my life

I think it’s just having a toddler. Are you breastfeeding too? I look back at those years in pics and I look older than I do now 5+ years later. Profhilo and Botox are game changers, teeth whitening strips and maybe look into a keratin treatment at the hairdressers.

Retinol - works wonders for the skin and signs of ageing

Maybe try a multivitamin to help your hair etc? Colour wow raise the root is great for some volume.

You aren't ugly OP you're just feeling low about yourself

Just to add, my changes happened when I was 34+. Most noticeable late 30s. My children were definitely not toddlers then. I don’t think it’s the toddler thing really, just the fact your age is when these things happen naturally and happen to coincide with having your baby. I popped back into shape after having both children (pre 30) but I struggle to shift weight now. What used to fall off if I ate an apple and ate slightly less chocolate now requires a 3 week fast and spinning in a tinfoil blanket twice a day (slight exaggeration but who knows, because the weight just doesn’t shift the way it used to…maybe I should try the fasting/tinfoil/spinning….). I’ve just learned to care less, it is what it is. My horse is dead, I’ve given up flogging it.

Instead I just focus on good hydration, decent (but not obsessive) skincare and lots of fresh meals with fruit and veg in plentiful supply. I look far better - but I’ve accepted I’ll never look like the old me (who will forever in my head be the real me).

I could have written this. Since my dd was born 2 years ago i have become really haggard and awful looking and aged dramatically.

I dont think having children makes you look old. I think having a toddler makes you feel old, and gives you less time to concentrate on yourself because you are exhausted all the time from trying to prevent your little darling from baking the cat in a pie. (true story). Doesnt exactly get less stressful as they get older, the stresses are just different, but definitely gets less sleep deprived and less physically demanding meaning you have more time for yourself.

Women go through major body changes around their 40th birthday.

I was most attractive at around 30.

It has been very weird to me the change in how I have been treated. I’m basically invisible now. Which is not so bad as I hate when people look at me. I was basically a recluse in my early 20’s because of this.

Now I look in the mirror and go “eww” 😱

It's not a question of looking ugly.

The reality is that a lot of women look more tired when they have toddlers also depending on their age and lifestyle.
And hair not always as naturally healthy looking around that stage depending on the mother's age. Which can easily be helped with more intensive hair care but some mothers simply don't have the time or energy to deal with this.
It depends on the baseline, some may not look as tired as others but, perhaps, they look more tired than what they looked like 2 years before.
My observation is based on women I personally know where I noticed the difference. I can't say I've seen random monthers of toddlers and noticed they look tired.
It's the comparison between before and after when it's noticeable on some women. It doesn't in the least make them look ugly. But honestly they all got back yo their usual looks reasonably quickly as child care became less demanding. It's just a stage.

Did you watch the Friends reunion, OP? I remember watching it and feeling sad about what most of them had done to their faces in an attempt to turn back the tide of ageing. But none of them were fooling anyone, they didn't look like the 25 year olds in the old clips, not even close. I remember thinking that the actress who played Phoebe, the only one out of the three women who had visible wrinkles, was now the most beautiful. Yes, she has very clearly aged but she looked lovely.

It made me think twice about starting down the road of Botox and fillers. I'm absolutely not judging people who have this done btw, I just worry that for me personally it could become a slippery slope to having more invasive stuff. Because even when I was 20 and people used to say I was beautiful, I didn't really feel it. I still looked in the mirror and focused in on my flaws, things I wanted to change. So if I get a bit of botox and some filler I might feel better about myself but for how long? I might stop worrying about wrinkles but start worrying about some other perceived 'flaw' instead so feel I need to get that 'fixed' and so on, and so on. I'm never going to be someone who doesn't care how they look, and I'm fine with that, but I do want to work on accepting the fact that getting older is a privilege and does not diminish my worth just because the media and the beauty industry make me feel like it does sometimes.

If you have a little money you should invest a bit in yourself. Some people think it’s selfish but if you feel better and are more confident you will have better outcomes. Teeth whitening was a game changer for me personally. Got it done as a quitting smoking treat when I was 21 and people couldn’t put their finger on it but I got loads of compliments. Also getting my eyebrows done professionally was a good one and also quite cheap. Once you’ve had it done a few times you can keep the shape yourself. I also dye mine at home which makes me feel much more confident no make up - but this is an acquired skill and the first time I did fuck it up.

I put this reply on a similar thread, but it applies here too.

So sorry, OP, and huge hugs 🫂 I'm sure you are beautiful, both inside and out.
Time and tide wait for no (wo)man unfortunately, so we have just got to gleefully accept haggard bodies, as a PP said.

My body's let me down hugely over the years. A decade ago, I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured permanently by an off label antipsychotic prescribed for severe insomnia and anxiety. It made me very unwell and gave me a neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia, which is a bit like Tourette's and Parkinson's disease combined 😳

Good grief, some of the involuntary movements of my movement disorder are absolutely horrid anf truly do make me look ugly. I've got involuntary movements of my face, tongue,and mouth sometimes which involves my mouth opening wide and my tongue moving on its own in my mouth. It's very bizarre and rather hideous, and I feel awful and self conscious when it happens.

I'd literally give anything to have good health again 😔 Even though I'm fairly attractive still, I was pretty gorgeous when younger, yet I'd literally rather be unattractive than have my movement disorder. Be kind to yourself, OP. We've got to love ourselves, warts, wrinkles snd weird involuntary movements altogether. I'm sure you're very lovely ♥️

Thread lifts are terrible, cause scar tissue, don't always dissolve and can compromise further cosmetic/plastic surgery.

This. I was 39 when my son was born. He’s ruined me. I can’t for love or money shift my weight. I have a pair of jeans that used to be too big for me. Can’t even get them over my hips now. I used to look a lot younger than my age. Can’t say that now! Guess it’s nice not being IDed for wine now 🤣

Are you able to run? If so, take up running. It makes the blood rush and your skin and eyes will sparkle more.
Even though your blood tests have come back in range, you may well still be deficient. I looked like crud when my iron was low. Try floradix.
Drink buckets of water.
Do some yoga.
Other than that, much of this is in the eye if the beholder. Read some inspiring materials until you feel beautiful on the inside at least.
There's a wonderful documentary on Netflix called 'happy' from 2012. Worth a watch when you want to remind yourself of what matters most.

Kids really does a number on you, I know it has for me. I was fresh faced in photos of me pre-toddler and now I look tired and old like I’ve really been through it. And I guess we have. Huge hormonal shifts, bodies expanding and contracting with pregnancy and post partum, long periods of sleeplessness where are bodies aren’t able to keep up without the energy we need. I also had the problem of
not having time to feed myself properly through the first two years of my daughters life.

I look worse for wear. I’d say go for cosmetic surgery if you think
itll help but otherwise maybe some kind of therapy maybe? To come to terms with it all? I know I’ve really struggled with my self image since child birth.

Be kind to yourself.

Love this

Start by realising you’re a Warrior Queen raising a toddler . Then please ensure you’re treating yourself and your body really well & with great love . Lots of good ideas on this thread re hydration, facial yoga , nutrition etc so that you feel happy & healthy and know your self worth . Enjoy the process of looking after yourself . xx

I bet you are not at all ugly OP, just looking slightly older, which is age appropriate around 40. As long as you think you look hideous you will be staring mournfully into the mirror with a droopy face. Get some advice on makeup that suits you, drink lots of water and take some gentle exercise every day, and smile into the mirror! 39 is very young, make the most of it.

The Ordinary lactic acid is great for dull skin

I do microneedling and I think it’s great, I bought an electronic microneedle ( DrPen brand) and do it myself, If you do it every month until you have done six-eight sessions you will start to see a difference, then do it every six months after that, do it on your face and neck

You are still quite young and a busy mum so I think some of it must just be tiredness and when you start to get better sleep you won’t look as bad as you think

@Olddd

Your face is just changing. This happens to everyone at every stage.

I very much doubt that you are ugly but rather that you are fixating on things which naturally change-sometimes even for the better. Don't keep looking in the glass for faults-it's no different to staring at the ceiling and imagining a tiny line in the plaster is subsidence!

If you are constantly looking at yourself and comparing yourself to past pictures, you will make a rod for your back. No-one looks at your face so intently as the owner of it.

My friend is 62 and she looks a lot better than she did in pictures depicting her in her twenties. She looks glossier, healthier and just better looking although she doesn't look as if she is 30 and doesn't want to!

What does your mum look like? Do you think she has got uglier as she has aged.

I don't want to say it is all in your mind because faces do change but I think what is in your mind that you've turned into a hag at 39!

When you are 79, you'll look at pictures of yourself and think,'I wish I had appreciated how I looked back then.'

The only practical thing I would suggest-and that sounds as if might be a phyiscal problem-is your teeth and a trip to the dentist (or trips) will rectify that.

I bought some whitening strips online. Tricky things that actually were very uncomfortable and not that pleasant to try , but they did work ( a bit)
whitening powder is also good ( Amazon )

This is definitely something nobody tells you about. I was really attractive when I was in my early 20s, objectively.

I would still objectively be described as pretty, I think, but I honestly don’t look like the same person. I looked nothing like my mum, and then 5 ish years ago I morphed into her double. Her actual double. And I never bore any resemblance to her until I hit mid 30s.
I really do not even resemble what I used to look like, and it’s so strange. It’s not what you’d expect ageing to look like (although that has happened too). My face is an entirely different shape (and not linked to weight gain).

I find the whole thing utterly bizarre, and am amazed my husband even recognises me any more! I thought it was due to weight gain, but I lost all the weight and still looked nothing like my old self.

Having just hit 50, I wouldn’t say I’m shocked at how I’m aging, but I have noticed a marked difference. The fact is, I can no longer assume that everything will fall into place naturally every day with minimal effort. I now have to work harder for the same result, if that makes sense?

In reality that means a good skincare routine, possibly injectables in the next 5 years. Hair now needs a cut and colour more frequently, clothes need to be planned properly rather than just pulled on. Exercise is no longer for toning and general health - it’s now also about maintaining posture and flexibility and has had to be adapted for this (more weights, less running).

You can’t turn back time but, with effort, you can slow it down.

Sorry to see you’re feeling down about your appearance. 💐 I’m at a similar age and stage to you and it’s had an impact on my self-esteem too, so you’re not alone. It feels so shallow to say this, but people are simply kinder and more gracious to good-looking people. I’ve noticed a massive difference if I tip over a certain weight/dress size.
Some things that I’ve changed to help me look and feel better are:
Getting hair cut and coloured more regularly, changed hair cut to add more layers.
Better skincare routine, esp. micro needling thing from Trinny London.
Changed supplements, I added a magnesium, omega 3 and collagen.
Intermittent fasting to reduce bloat (esp. in face and neck)
Updated my wardrobe to feel more polished and like myself and less tired.
More frequent trips to the hygienist to keep my smile looking brighter.
They're all fairly superficial things but they might help you feel a little better about yourself too.

Hope you find some things that work, you’re not alone! 🤗

I just wanted to throw my hat in insofar as make up is concerned. Us middle-age ish women are sometimes guilty of sticking with what we know, which as we age can end up making us look older rather than younger.
I don’t wear much make up anymore but I found the advice of make up artists who focus solely on mature complexions genuinely game changing! Erica Taylor is one worth checking out - simple tutorials that can totally change the shape of your face without slapping loads of makeup on.

I was a prettyish girl.. now I’m in my 50’s you wouldn’t recognise me. I just try and focus on other aspects of my life i’m happy with and be grateful for what i have, which is a considerable amount more in terms of happiness than I had in my 30’s.