Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

It was a PA move. The type my dh would pull because it’s so easy to say the other person is over reacting if they do pull you up.
The fact it’s in the background of you pulling him up on leaving wo saying goodbye (another PA move to tell you he was unhappy but you weren’t supposed to complain. Just know) just reinforce that.

Its a really shitty thing to do imo because it stops any communication and leaves both people reeling.

The fact so many people dint see the point also shows how common it is to use PA move to make a point in the U.K. btw.

Id have a word with him. But not about his comment. But about the way he communicates his displeasure.

When I read your initial post I thought ahh nice DH. Now he sounds controlling and weird! Doesn’t want you eating food at work despite you telling him this! Plus gets jealous if you talk to men in meetings? Hmm he sounds like a twat and you need to get rid!

Ugh, this. Suffocating at best. I'd hate that.

Nope.

I ended a relationship because he "brought me breakfast in bed". Sounds insane, but it's true.

It was a passive aggressive symptom of his weird controlling behaviour. I don't like eating in bed. He did it to wake me up at the weekend (I was out of the house over 14 hours a day on week days and I'm not a morning person, he wfh and got up about ten on week days) because he wanted sex, he always brought things I didn't like (peanut butter on toast, yuck!), it was invariably cold because he made it then forgot about it and I like green tea in the morning because milk makes me gag first thing but he refused to make me green tea and brought (cold) normal tea. No matter how many times I asked him not to, he still did it (and got all butt hurt when I didn't eat it).

That's just one example. But he did these seemingly innocuous things your DH is doing there and it drove me mad. It made me not myself. He gaslit (as you'd DH is doing) by simply lying about stuff but also refusing to accept I did or didn't like something/feel a certain way. I would also get oblique texts referring to things in a strange way. He once texted me at 10am on a work day, when I was staying overnight that night, that he had seen me pack "sexy underwear" (I hadn't, I didn't own any) so was obviously having an affair, "especially" as I had "refused intimacy" that weekend (we'd had sex twice).

Your husband is acting very similarly.

I felt soooooo much better after I'd got rid of him!

I later found out he had been cheating regularly.

Wow - a lot of warning signs here. He seems to be deeply insecure, having issues with your male colleagues and guilting you into taking a lunch he’s made when you’ve made it clear you’re happy to eat at work. Passive aggressive is right - ‘how could you complain about something as nice as having lunch made for you’ doesn’t wash as it’s taking away your agency to decide how to spend your lunch time (in the canteen). ‘Remember you have a husband’ - WTF! I’d have been inclined to phone him and ask in a neutral/friendly tone, ‘What do you mean by saying that?’. Curiously. To let him know you think it’s weird.

You could talk to him about how his behaviour around you feels a bit stifling (that’s how I’d feel, maybe you feel differently) and/or let him know, directly, that he’s the centre of your universe and he has nothing to worry about?

I’d look out for situations where you think he might misread something (eg cold sore/no sex). And pull him up on it every time he says something which on the surface sounds reasonable but hits wrong when you hear it - talk about how it makes you feel and ask if he can word things differently.

It’s exhausting not being able to be yourself around someone. It might be nowhere near as bad as I’m making it out to be - I hope it isn’t!

So he’s controlling, suffocating, possessive and passive aggressive? YANBU at all OP! I couldn’t live like this. Congrats on doing so well for yourself with your career, I hope your “D”H doesn’t manage to stop you enjoying it.

With the context of your later posts though… the red flag bunting is out today! His behaviour is weird, paranoid and controlling, I wouldn’t find it acceptable.

He is very controlling and you are not being unreasonable at all. Do you come from a culture which disapproves of women talking to men who are not their husbands? Because that is what he sounds like. “Remember you have a husband”. Very much a red flag in my opinion.

I would have taken offence at that too OP. It sounds like he’s saying you're ‘neglecting’ him. If you haven’t been then it is weird but if you have been then maybe have a chat with each other.

The OP has been clear that she doesn’t want this level of communication during the day. She wants to get on with doing her job.

In the minority here but I don't think yabu. I would also be a bit hmm if my dh wrote that to me. It felt like a dig about something, and you say he wrote it twice? It would be different if he wrote remember you have a husband who loves you very much, as to me that would say he knew you were having/going to have a tough day and saying he has your back, but that's not what I got from his message you posted.
It sounds like there are other things going on that you are not sure about ie your job and work hours and not being in contact.

Were I the husband it would be the last message I'd send after I've left home if everything is to be forensically examined! I find it amazing at how much contact during the working day couples expect to have, I doubt we ever did this unless there was a good reason, eg illness, accident. Mobiles seem to cause problems for so many people, maybe use them less and stop using them as a means of control.

I completely agree with this. I am flabbergasted by the replies telling you you’re overreacting, hard work etc. To me it’s very obvious that he’s a jealous control freak who resents the fact that you have a life that doesn’t involve him, and especially doesn’t want you interacting with other men. I think you should stop taking the lunches. Tell him firmly that you prefer to eat in the canteen with your colleagues.

Aside from it being bizarre to message someone you live with from the car when you’ve just left for work, I think you sound very difficult and have over reacted hugely.

Hmm… I didn’t like his “Wow, calm down” response. Has any woman ever calmed down in response to being told to by a man?? 😃

I wonder if he’s just wanting more validation for making your lunch. But if you’d rather eat in the canteen then he’d be better spending his time elsewhere. Does he work hard in his career and around the house?

My initial reaction was " you are a drama queen looking for an argument" however the more you post, the more red flags are screaming

dieting - making you lunch with crisps and chocolate
Teams - getting annoyed you are talking to male work colleagues
Texting all day when getting annoyed because you are busy in work

I bet there are loads of these small little thing what make up a big picture that you are being controlled and abused.

Get this book and read it in work - leave it in work
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Abusive and Controlling Men: Bancroft, Lundy: 9780399148446: Amazon.com: Books

OP I have been with you from the first post. It was a weird and accusatory message to send. Very passive aggressive and it would get my back up too.
Your follow up posts totally cement my first thoughts. He sounds controlling and jealous.
How would he react to a totally honest, cards on the table conversation about it?

Hmmmmm, its one of two things, on the basis of that text on its own you over reacted. However I get a vibe that your husband is controlling so if the text is part of a bigger issue then, no you are not x

Is there a possibility you are being unfaithful, emotionally perhaps, OP?

I think if a woman had posted her DH had reacted like you did, people would be saying he's got a guilty conscience.

I think he was reminding you he does nice things for you and fishing for a compliment/thank you

I don’t think you’re overreacting. I’m of a totally different opinion to the others and see your husband as quite needy, insecure and controlling. That’s from reading all your posts re getting sulky if sex denied, messaging you all day long, making your lunch (which could be argued as a nice gesture but I think possible ulterior motive to prevent you from eating in canteen with male colleagues). Probably also jealousy/insecurity from your career success and climbing the ladder.
I think that message was more on the passive aggressive side.

I can't believe people on this are saying your weird and even controlling. Other way round I think. He's reminding you that he's sooooo amazing by making your dinner. The dinner he makes so u don't sit in the canteen in case u might speak to another man. That's beyond controlling.

Context and history are everything. You probably have a different type of dynamic. From some people, that message might be endearing. From another, it's anything but.

OP is writing a post on MN for a reason.

There will be a pattern of communication here that relies on passive aggression I suspect.

I read that an imagined you were both in your early 20's. I could never be bothered with these kinds of text exchanges with my OH. Better to ignore it and get on with your day and talk in person if his message bothered you.

I voted you were unreasonable but I’m doubting that now since your further posts about him.

He makes you lunch (lovely) but then puts crisps and bars in that he knows you don’t want at the moment. I’d be wondering if that’s so you don’t need to go into the canteen with the men.

Also, sulking because he knew sex wasn’t on the cards? Very unattractive.

Texting you constantly throughout the day and getting arsey when you don’t relply straight away because you’re working? Hmmm.

Oh and why couldn’t he communicate to your face re your lunch is in your bag, instead of waiting until he was in the car?

I’m not so sure you were unreasonable now.

He sounds controlling.
Making you lunch with foods you won't eat as on a diet.
Texting as soon as leaving the house.
And texting odd stuff like remember you have a husband?? I would be wtf about that.
Far to much for first thing in the morning.
Sounds like a dig about something or other.
Being off with you first thing in the morning because you had a coldsore and thought it meant no sex that night(this would put me off sex with him completely) .
It just sounds like such hard work especially as you sound 40 plus? So things should get easier in a relationship. Not feel like you are playing a game you don't know the rules too.