Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

It is not a flaw in you that you are ND/ADHD.

It doesn’t make your responses to him incorrect or mean you are misinterpreting him.

The problem is with him—he is pretending to be unaware of your desires/temperament/style and he imposes his own preferences on you.

He prefers sex on tap. You may choose not to have sex. He sulks.

He is jealous and controlling and tries to interfere with your work relationships in your male dominated field. When you push back he sulks or complains.

He packs you an inappropriate lunch despite your stating your preference for the canteen meals. This is domineering behavior meant to isolate you.

When you call him on his controlling behavior he pretends innocence, ignorance, and then hurt feelings.

These are all tools of control. He us gaslighting you by pretending not to know what he is doing.

Please have confidence in yourself! Trust thst you have the right to decide for yourself what you eat, who you talk to, and when you have sex without pressure or manipulation by your spouse.

You both sound completely pissed off. It appears he is either walking on egg shells around you and your explosive temper or he is an incredibly devious narc who's been chipping away at you and provoking you in a sly way so he can say 'whoa look at your reaction. You're crazy!' Only you know which it is. Maybe it's neither and you're both petty.

Also, probably best not to have arguments over text. A lot gets lost in translation.

He’s possessive and controlling. The things he does is not out of a pure love it’s to keep you controlled. I’d be thinking of bailing out.

He doesn’t see his role as your husband, it’s as your keeper.

Maybe you could watch Sleeping With The Enemy this weekend and then talk about how you both found it.

I think he sounds massively controlling and I’m surprised more posters couldn’t see past the “my DH makes me lunch everyday” part. Idk why you would be querying him about leaving without saying goodbye or tripping over yourself with apologies: you’re just playing into his game. I think you’re also playing into it with the goady “remember you have a husband” thing. Start ignoring things like that: he probably can’t stand being ignored. He sounds massively needy and I think you should seek professional help with establishing your boundaries. You know it isn’t right but you’re letting him and others here (who don’t know the full story) tell you you are the problem. Be clear that you won’t be taking the lunch anymore and then stop taking the lunch. That’s your first step but there’s clearly a lot more going on here and you may need help to deal with it. Good luck!

I have ADHD. My husband is likely autistic.

Neither of us would behave like this.

EDIT: missed a bunch of updates from OP as I had the post open for a while so my post isn't relevant.

How would he react if you said you want to socialise at lunchtime with your colleagues?

I’m not ND but my ex would say similar stuff. I did not take it well. I would have reacted like you.

You are not the problem. Being nd night account for not noticing the red flags sooner but don't blame yourself for "not understanding him" or "getting it wrong".

Reread the posts where pp are saying you are not wrong, his message was off.

I am amazed that people (women?) can’t see the red flags in ‘remember you have a husband’. That would have wound me up if I got that message, it would not have made me feel fluffy and warm.

agree
everyone is jumping on OP to tell her how mean she's being, but when you take the info in context

• he stomped out yesterday without saying goodbye at all because he thought he was being refused sex
• makes her food she doesn't want, including lots of unhealthy snacks despite knowing she's trying to diet, and guilt trips her to eat it
• messages her all day when she's trying to work, starting literally the moment he leaves the house

... turns what could be a sweet jokey message into a possibly passive aggressive/controlling one
(e.g. don't for a second forget you have a husband, you should be thinking of me and how lucky you are to have such a nice husband who does everything for you every second of the day)

as @Pleaseshutthefuckup has explained, this is why so many women stay so long with abusive husbands and when they split up everyone looks shocked and says "but he seemed so lovely". Often women try to outline tiny niggles of things that don't feel right - and then if they are told they are being ridiculous they won't tell people about the bigger things.

Please, if a friend in real life tries to talk about things like this, even if you think she's over-exaggerating or just having a moan, don't shut her down with things like people have said on this thread.

Only read a few of your posts op but they were enough. He sounds like a bit of a suffocating prick tbh and that would fuck me off royally. Yanbu at all.

He's extremely manipulative op and now the comment about remembering you have a husband makes more sense. He's telling you to remember that he controls you.

His comment is actually sinister now and can almost be taken as a threat.

See how subtle it was though, most pp on this thread who haven't dealt with a narcissist thought he was being loving and you were the one being ungrateful.

Then he dialed it down and acted all innocent, so obviously you must be the one who needs to calm down 🙃 This is classic narcissistic behaviour.

Trust your instincts op.

" he will only ever look at things in isolation and not the bigger picture of how all these little things pile up."
He knows what he's doing and he's intentionally acting as if he only sees each thing in isolation.
Again, he goads you then gaslights you when you react.

⬆️⬆️ THIS
With bells on.

You are spot on. My ex used the ‘it’s a jokkkkke’ so much it has actually become a trope in my house now, even year’s after we split. Our grown up kids say it (ironically) whenever someone is being an arsehole.

This is exactly how his tone struck me from the very beginning. Very oiff.

Absolutely. The wording and tone definitely struck me as off, and I've been really surprised by many of these responses.

Btw, I’m not sure why you are still accepting this behaviour.

You need to tell him you are NOT going to take a packed lunch. Because you’re trying to loose weight and whatever there is in there doesn’t work for you. Tell him. Don’t take the lunch with you. Doing something for someone is only nice if the person wants it. You don’t.

Go and have lunch with whoever you want.

Just answer with ??? To the messages like the one from this am. That’s it. No fuss. Just as PA as his remark. He’ll get it.

Dint answer his messages during the day. Tell him ‘I’m at work. I got remarks already on how often I’m checking my messages. I’m going to put my phone on ‘do not disturb’ during work hours and check only at lunch.’. If there is an emergency, I’m sure he’ll still be able to ring your work landline.

You need to put boundaries up again.
He won’t like it. But, in itself, will tell you a lot about him and how he sees you.

Having read the whole thread I think I agree with those who see flapping flags of horror.

I think the OP and her current partner are not well matched temperamentally and he seeks to be very enmeshed with her, to a point that is controlling, while she passively resists (taking the lunch but not eating it) and occasionally erupts with irritation when he persistently violates her boundaries.

This could just be an ND/NT relationship with the OP being the ND person. Or it could be a relationship with a covert narcissist who comes on loving and focused of his partner and “taking care” of her but who really is simply satisfying a raging narcissistic need for control and admiration from his partner.

Whatever: this dh gives me the creeps. You ought to be able to refuse the packed lunch—the dark side of “help” is control