Weird and offensive or I am overreacting?

In the situation of your last paragraph, I do this.
Before you let your mouth open to react, stop and think. Is this going to turn into a fight? Is this worth the stress and shit feeling? Is it worth the fight?
And then you have to work out how to word it so you take control of the conversation with a closed sentence and deliver as calmly as possible.

I actually do this with my kids more than DP because you have to consciously think about if the issue is that bigger deal to be having this confrontation with them. I sometimes just say, ok. Obviously it's different because I'm dealing with kids and you're dealing with an adult who seems a bit narcy sadly

See this is the big no no no.
Controlling what you wear because he doesn't want other men appreciating the view.
My DP tried telling me what I could do once (nose piercing, tattoo, short short hair).
He got used to the new look eventually.

Of course it makes all the difference @RememberThatGuy
We're not wired the same as NT.
Now that I've got to this part (apologies for not reading further just yet but I had to jump in when I read this) it makes total sense to me.

My DP of 15 years sometimes makes a comment where I think he's being funny but he's not. It's just how my brain has interpreted it because that's how I'm wired. I've always had situations where I think other people might be meaning xyz (because that's how I took it to be) when they meant it ABC way, if that makes sense?

So whatever you do he manipulates it so you go back to doing what he wants?

Please see it for what it is.

It will only get worse

I can't remember if you've said - do you have friends outside of him?

RTFT!!!!

For the love of god...

Tell him to put any extra in the freezer so he can have it now that you are going to eat more in the canteen.

I really hope you are starting to plan your exit.

Let us know how accurate your predictions were OP. Keep doing that. Look for patterns.

Your husband sounds scary actually. No way could I be with someone that has me walking on egg shells every day. He is a toxic covert narcissistic and is gradually wearing you down to be utterly under his control. Everyone saying you have massively overreacted must be used to dominating behaviour because before I even read the whole thread, his text was passively aggressive. It's classic toxic Narcissism behaviour to accuse you of over reacting. Gaslighting you and making you doubt yourself. Your husband does not have your best interests at heart. You know to read between the lines of his seemingly innocent texts. Sounds like you spend your entire marriage conforming to his demands. You need to leave him for your own emotional well being. I bet with him out of your life you will find you no longer need a therapist. Trust your gut. You know he's the problem.

Hmmm. Having read all your posts there are many red flags waving for me. He is controlling and definitely gas lighting you. All this questioning about men and making a fuss about the clothes you wear! Nope ...not acceptable and a slippery road!

Thank you @SealHouse ❤, I'm glad too! My life is very different now and I'm so much happier and content.

You deserve peace and happiness too @RememberThatGuy

I hope reading through everyone's posts helps you to decide what steps you need to take to find your own happiness.

Keep talking here if it helps.
Wishing you the very best as well ❤

Have read any more of the OP’s comments because I have changed my mind about this man!

Read ALL of the OP's replies on this thread, @LoafofSellotape . There is so much more to it. Her husband makes her lunch because he doesn't want her buying lunch and sitting with men in the cafeteria. He gets upset if men speak to her or smile at her when out, and has rules about what clothing she can wear to the gym.

I agree. He's saying remember you have a husband who loves you. You've answered like you're ready for a fight!

All the people saying that you at over-reacting, and even saying that you sound like a nightmare, have obviously not RTFT! If they had, they would have seen your later comments which make your DH sound like a passive-aggressive control freak. There are so many red flags in his behaviour, you could open a flag shop.

@AppleBlossomMay sorry you also had the misfortune of crossing paths with a similar dickhead and glad you escaped! I agree with you though, being "normal" with him may not produce the best outcome and could make life more difficult for OP. I suppose she really needs to figure out whether accommodating him and his jealous controlling nature is worth whatever it is she gets from the relationship on a positive front (if anything). I wish her the best.

I agree with you @SealHouse that a person should be able to talk openly about their work friends and their life in general with their spouse/partner. In a loving, respectful relationship it's natural to want to share all these details with your OH. You're right that I only suggested what I did in this case because of his behaviour. I had the misfortune of knowing someone like him many years ago and the more information you gave him the more insecure and controlling he became. Might not necessarily be the case with OP's dh though, hopefully not.

Your last sentence is so true, it must be so horrible for the OP to feel so stressed in her own home and unable to have a normal conversation.

Been lurking on your thread OP and I agree with pp's that your DH seems quite controlling. I don't really agree with AppleBlossom's tack on telling him who you had lunch with, although I understand the sentiment behind her advice (presumably not to give him the opportunity to argue/sulk) but I would actually talk about lunch, i.e. "yes I sat with Dave, John and Eric, we talked about what we did at the weekend, Dave went to a gig, Eric's wife's car broke down on the motorway blah blah ..." because this is an entirely normal conversation to have with a husband/wife. I've only briefly met one or two of my husband's work colleagues but I know the names of most of his team and bits about them, and the same for him with my colleagues because lots of people talk about work over dinner in the evening with their husband/wife. If he has a problem and accuses you of "fancying" anyone or whatever, call him out on it, ask him "wtf are you actually accusing me of!?". Not feeling able to have a perfectly normal discussion with him for fear of setting him off must be so stressful, no-one needs to be walking on eggshells like that.

You are in a toxic, abusive relationship. Start planning to find a way out safely.

https://refuge.org.uk/i-need-help-now/how-to-identify-abuse/

''Emotional loan sharking'' is doing a favour or giving a gift unasked for; then using that to make you feel guilty and compliant.

and I guarantee he will make so much that it would be silly not to take left overs to work tomorrow.

Do you have a freezer?

Any reason he can't have the leftovers?

Tell your dh you don't want to be questioned about who you had lunch with, you had lunch with work colleagues, that's all you need to say. You do not have to continue answering questions, you're an adult, not his child.

Eat what you like and when you like- again, you're a grown up, not a child.

When the leftovers cool down, you can put them in the freezer for lunch some day when you're home. You have to take back control of your life. Find a good therapist to talk to about your dh. Sending you a hug.

Don't take the leftovers to work tomorrow, have the lunch you want. If its something like onions you fancy, just have it, he'll have to get over it.
I think you are trying too hard to appease him. This isn't healthy. You should be choosing stuff for yourself. Wear what you like to the gym.
And ignore his stupid texts. Enjoy your job. He thinks he's the boss of you. He isn't. 💐

I would read it as you seem to ignore him or he wants some of your busy time given to him. I think you're response is perfectly reasonable.

“I am doing really well in my career, earn more than him by quite a bit with a big payrise on the horizon and work in a very male dominated environment.”

Anyone decent would be cheering you on and praising your achievements. Your husband sounds like he has a million small ways to cut you down to size and keep you under control.

He gets on your case and has you walking on eggshells for socialising at work, going to the gym, what you wear, any interaction with a man, what you eat and that’s just what you have mentioned here. This does not sound like a healthy supportive relationship.

Check out The Freedom Program.

There’s so much passivity in this comment. You have agency.

I can predict tonight’s conversation already; did you eat in the canteen or take it back to your office, who was in there, who did you sit with.

You don’t have to have that conversation. He cannot compel you to do so. It’s weird and intrusive, say so.

Then absolute zero affection because I smell funny. I am preempting this though and will skip the onion in my salad. (He says he can smell raw onion/garlic/spices for a couple of days after on my breath) just going to eat inoffensive non smelly food.

This is ridiculous. Eat what you want. If he doesn’t want to hug/kiss/shag because of it, I’m confident you’ll survive.

Tonight he is cooking dinner (we take turns) and I guarantee he will make so much that it would be silly not to take left overs to work tomorrow.

Doesn’t matter. If you don’t want it, don’t take it. He’ll learn to make less, next time.