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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He effectively said he’d lie to me

38 replies

POPUpSt · 24/04/2025 20:34

AIBU please?

My DP was talking today about how one of his friends had a cleaner. The cleaner arrived early and DP’s friend was just getting out of the shower: long story short, the woman offered DP’s friend a ‘massage’. He declined and told my DP - who said that his friend shouldn’t tell his wife.

When I asked why my DP had said not to tell his wife, he replied that the cleaner didn’t deserve to lose her job because of ‘a mistake’ and that the wife would probably ‘overreact’ and sack the cleaner.

I think it’s pretty fundamental in a relationship to communicate about things like this and asked if he’d do the same to me - he said he’d have to think ‘carefully’ about this.

We have gone around in circles and now I am starting to doubt my sanity - this is something that shouldn’t be withheld from your partner isn’t it? Like if someone in your home has acted in a way incompatible with your relationship, then this should be discussed?

However, I would appreciate other perspectives please. Thank you so much in advance.

OP posts:
POPUpSt · 24/04/2025 20:45

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 24/04/2025 20:42

Do you have a cleaner? If you do I'd start to worry what the "friend" actually did......

No - we don’t, so this is purely hypothetical. I was just really shocked by his thinking that the cleaner just made a mistake and that the wife didn’t need to be made aware. It isn’t what I would have expected from him.

OP posts:
Curioushoney · 24/04/2025 20:44

Bloody hell you and your DP are gullible op

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 24/04/2025 20:42

Maybe point out to your dp that trying to seduce another woman’s husband in her own home is not 'a mistake' and yes she does deserve to lose her job (if she really was the instigator...).

neverknowinglyunreasonable · 24/04/2025 20:42

Do you have a cleaner? If you do I'd start to worry what the "friend" actually did......

coxesorangepippin · 24/04/2025 20:42

outerspacepotato · 24/04/2025 20:39

I would want to know if the cleaner was making sexual advances to my husband or anyone in the household.

That your partner called firing an employee for that overreacting makes me wonder if the husband was the one making the sexual advances.

I too think you're not getting the full story.

Believe me, she's not.. she's just cleaning

coxesorangepippin · 24/04/2025 20:41

As if

She had one of those black and white maid outfits on too

IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 24/04/2025 20:40

outerspacepotato · 24/04/2025 20:39

I would want to know if the cleaner was making sexual advances to my husband or anyone in the household.

That your partner called firing an employee for that overreacting makes me wonder if the husband was the one making the sexual advances.

I too think you're not getting the full story.

There is this too. It does have a whiff of minimising to it.

HugelyExpensiveCrystalDuck · 24/04/2025 20:39

My perspective is that he is using this ludicrously unlikely scenario to see if you say that it would be great if someone would proposition your boyfriend for sex and you would find it a big old turn on and should you slip into your French maid outfit right now.

outerspacepotato · 24/04/2025 20:39

I would want to know if the cleaner was making sexual advances to my husband or anyone in the household.

That your partner called firing an employee for that overreacting makes me wonder if the husband was the one making the sexual advances.

I too think you're not getting the full story.

POPUpSt · 24/04/2025 20:39

Dinosweetpea · 24/04/2025 20:36

Your DPs friend is full of shit.

Sorry, I’m not trying to be dense but I’m not sure what you mean by this? 🙂

OP posts:
IThoughtHeWasWithYou · 24/04/2025 20:39

I’m firmly in your camp, and when DP had something along those lines discussed with a friend he said “tell her mate, secrets come out eventually and look worse for it” so I know he’s on the same wavelength as me.

However, I do know people who would keep their mouth shut to avoid stress and conflict especially if they thought it would cause problems, and while I don’t agree I understand. If you trust that he wouldn’t tell you to avoid worrying you, that’s a different thing to wondering if he wouldn’t tell you because he’s tempted to get up to no good.

Dinosweetpea · 24/04/2025 20:36

Your DPs friend is full of shit.

promotionwannabe · 24/04/2025 20:36

Tbf i suspect the "friend" hasn't told the full story 😂 or he did to your DP and your dp isn't giving you the full story